Short jokes - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

***Doug*** · 03-23-2007, 02:06 AM

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.

*************************************** ***********

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* **

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* **

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* **

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* **

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.
You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt.

USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?

You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* **

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.

That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.

That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap

The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

**Ann** · 03-23-2007, 03:26 AM

I like them all.

velvet42 · 03-23-2007, 04:39 AM

A man goes into a Blacksmiths and says

"Have you ever shoo'd a horse?"

"No" he replied, "but I once told a donkey to bu**er off"!!

2stop · 03-23-2007, 05:17 AM

Those were great!!

03-23-2007, 02:06 AM	#1 (permalink)
*Doug* Administrator Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: S.E. Mich. Posts: 1,438	Short jokes One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing. ************************************* ******* A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out." ******** ***** ***** ***** ***** Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband. ********** ***** ***** ***** ***** A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z' "Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy." ********** ***** ***** ***** ***** Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay." ********** ***** ***** ***** ***** A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving." ********** ***** ***** ***** ***** Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

03-23-2007, 03:26 AM	#2 (permalink)
Ann Sharing Our Light Glop 2:Glops Revenge Champion! Ray Ray Shuffle Champion! Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: By The Lake Posts: 18,170	I like them all. __________________ Somewhere between the gator swamp and the Taj Mahal there is a path, it may be hidden, overgrown or may blend in with the other surroundings, but it is there, it's your path and it is calling you.~Frankly~

03-23-2007, 05:17 AM	#4 (permalink)
2stop ~Author of My Life~ Join Date: May 2003 Location: Doing what I thought I couldn't.... Posts: 4,669	Those were great!! __________________ Many Hugs and Hope too, Tammie "Think of all the beauty still left around you and BE HAPPY." ~Anne Frank~ "Things do not change, WE change." ~Henry David Thoreau~

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03-23-2007, 04:39 AM	#3 (permalink)
velvet42 Member Join Date: May 2006 Location: UK Posts: 95	A man goes into a Blacksmiths and says "Have you ever shoo'd a horse?" "No" he replied, "but I once told a donkey to bu**er off"!!

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