Help!!

[equus]

I don't know where to start, excuses? I started smoking 'tab ends' from about the age of 6 maybe 7 - I don't really blame myself for decisions then - it was like chewing bubble gum, something I wasn't allowed but did. I don't remember it tasting or feeling bad but I grew up in smoke so perhaps it didn't. I do remember my mother's cigerettes making me throw up in the car as a kid.

I was tall for my age, I started working weekends at 12 or 13 and with that came buying ciggies. I gave up for two years when I was 16 - dead easy, I had to be a non-smoker for my first live in horse job. I started on another live in job at 18 - largely because everyone else smoked. I've succeeded in stopping for a few months a few times in between then and now - failed so many times I can't count.

I've lost the belief in myself I can do it, I doubt my motivation because if I had it apparently I should have already succeeded - so regardless of how I THINK I feel, I must be BS'ing!! AND DON'T GET ME ONTO GUILT!!

The most important thing in my life is trying to mean what I say - ARGHHHHHHH!!!! No matter how hard I try in any other area - there it is hanging over me, I smoke, I'm addicted, I fail to give up, I say I love you to my hubby then light a friggin' cigerette and I don't want him to go through grief!! I say I care for myself and no matter how many areas I try to, eating well, sleeping well - I smoke, it hangs over me making everything BS!

Whenever I hear 'You can do it' I want to crawl somewhere to have a good cry - I know I CAN and that makes it even worse, obviously I don't want to so everything I think or say I believe in is BS!

It doesn't feel like BS, I try and work hard at me, but I smoke.

I want to stop - scratch that - I want to have stopped, meanwhile I'm off for a fag!

[bahookie]

Wow.

That was a bit harsh. Would you have said that to me, about me?

Maybe it's just not your time yet. Be nice to yourself woman!

Go on, tell me, was the fag good?


Jane
xxx

[equus]

It's exactly how I feel about it - if anything toned down. Having watched D struggle with addiction just makes me feel even worse because so many of the things I'd say to him I ignored to light another ciggy!

I'm beyond angry at myself for it. No I probably wouldn't say the same to someone else but I feel MORE guilty, I know the harm it does, I know what me smoking will do - all my grandparents died of cancer, 3 before I was born. I feel it in my lungs, I cough, I wheeze and it reminds me that I'm not doing as I say - BLAH!!

[bahookie]

All my maternal relatives died of lung cancer, my mum being the last in 1996.
I'd stopped and when she died I insanely started again.
I look at my kids and think what it will be like for them when i'm not there to see their kids grow up, all because I smoked.
Guilt. I know all about it.
Thing is, I can either let it consume me or I can kick it in the arse and try some damage limitation.

Beating yourself up is a waste of energy!

You're worth more anyway
Jane
xxx

[bahookie]

Originally Posted by Equus

Please have some faith in yourself - you should, mistakes aren't a shooting offence - we all make them and it doesn't mean we're incapable.

Wonder who said that?

[historyteach]

(((Eqqus)))
Kicking an addiction is hard; let no one fool you.
And the single most important thing I've learned from the smoke cessation counselor is this.
Smoking is 10% addiction; 90% behavior.
Think of it like an iceburg. The top that can be seen is the addiction; the majority of the iceburg is underneath the water -- and it's HUGE.
Will power will not beat this addiction. We need to work on our behaviors. We need to substitute our negative smoking behaviors for positive ones.
We need to plan for times we know we will want one.
We need to identify our triggers.
We need to identify the underlying emotions attached to our cravings and triggers.
But, more than anything else, we have to exchange our behaviors.
If we replace those negative behaviors of smoking with positive ones, we can get over our addiction. It takes @6 weeks to incorporate a new behaviro into our lifestyles. And Lonnie says it's best if we replace smoking with a behavior that will be effected if we smoke again -- ie aroebic exercise, the gym, singing....That gives us an incentive to stay quit when we get an urge, and G*D forbid we have a slip, we feel the results immediately. Therefore we can assess the decision to smoke immediately. That can insure it's only a slip -- not a relapse.

Eqqus, don't beat yourself up. This is NOT easy. And I totally identify with you relating to your hubby. I felt the same way with Trevor. But, kicking ourselves doesn't help us kick the nicodemon to the ground. And that's the most important thing right now!

Shalom!

[CAPTAINZING2000]

Nope Dying A Slow Painful Death From Cancer Is Hard


Wanting To Be Good To Youself And All That Loves You By Not Smoking Is Easy

[historyteach]

Good point, Capt;
I watched my father in law die from emphazima. I cannot imagine a more horrible death than to struggle for oxygen.
I have the start of COPD. That's my motivation to quit. It's been Two months, two weeks, four days, 16 hours, 10 minutes and 53 seconds without cigarettes. That's 3186 cigarettes not smoked, saving $876.41. Life saved: 1 week, 4 days, 1 hour, 30 minutes.

Take it one day at a time, Equus...yes, you CAN do this, and we are here to support your behavioral changes one day at a time.

Shalom!

[equus]

The last time I tried to quit I thought frightening myself into it would help, it sort of did - after what I found I'd be happy to die from lack of oxygen because ciggies can do a lot worse!

The thing is when I failed that came back to haunt me. I'm not in denial about the harm I'm doing or what it'll cost, I don't think I'll have to pay the cost in years to come - it COULD be tomorrow or in years to come, either way the debt will have to be settled. I think part of the problem is the scale of my emotions about it is all way up there somewhere and I feel daunted.

Right now i want to have stopped but I don't want to stop because it means feeling all of that and then failing. I've pumped myself up with thinking I can succeed so many times just to fall flat on my face that when I try to do that now it just reminds me of more failure - I don't believe myself anymore when I say I will stop. And that comes right back to the guilt, the tons and flamin' tons of guilt. That's the circle I've been walking round and round.

Confidence feels like a lie, lack of confidence feels like I can't really want it, set a date, fail, feel worse, set another date.....

And you know what? Any scraps of non-forgiveness through D's lapses, any anger I hold still comes back at me as I do the same - but those leftovers are still so raw.

[historyteach]

I'm hearing you, Equus.
Frightening people only works temporarily. That's a fact.

What did you do about your BEHAVIORS during your last quits?

I've been EXACTLY where you are with multiple quits. And the fact is, many of us have been too. And I sincerely believe that with each attempt, we learn something about it that will help on our next quit.

Today, I take this one day at a time. I pray I will never have another cigarette, because I know I will be right back to square one. I KNOW this because I've been through it too many times. THat's why I haven't had that butt every time I wanted one; every time I've been depressed, anxious, angry, tired, lonely....whathaveyou. And I do not EVER want to go through quitting again. It's HARD!

When you are ready, you will quit. That's all there really is about it. You can continue to look at your "failures" or you can discover what it is you learned from those opportunities. You can ignore that learning opportunity, or you can put it to use. Whatever you decide to do, we are with you. But, it is all up to you. And you need to focus on the behaviors or you will not quit. Will power will NOT cut it. Behavioral change is what ends this addiction.

Hope you'll join us soon. But, get rid of the guilt. It doesn't work either. We've hurt ourselves enough already, Equus, haven't we?

Shalom!

[Jen26]

Hiya,
I know that feeling of guilt waay to well. But I've now quit smoking for 3wks, 6days, haven't smoked 548 ciggerettes and saved $248.

Am I confident that I won't fail yet again? no! Knowing me, I'll probably start again! I've done it every other time I've quit so why not this time???

BUT...
I'm proud of myself for trying again....

[equus]

THANKS - especially for saying you've been where I am HT!!

I read one of the stickies up top that had information on tapering off and cutting down and I've been trying it but not forcing myself - just following the different hints like not having the ciggies next to me and I'm leaving them behind when I'm not out for long, something I never did.

I think more than anything else I need my confidence to go up - even if it's just a fraction. I did change behaviours last time and even enjoyed the first couple of days smoke free - then work came around, I wish I had some big trigger excuse but I don't. On the way to work I bought a packet of 10.

[historyteach]

You know, Lonnie, the smoke cessation counselor told my sister to leave her cigarettes in the trunk of the car. That way, whereever she was, she would have to go out of her way to have a cig. If she were in the house, she'd have to get the keys and go outside. If she were driving, (a huge trigger for many of us), she'd have to pull over on the side of the road to get one out of the trunk. You get the point.
Wanna give it a try to help you cut down?
Shalom!

[equus]

I'd like to work my way up to that. At the moment I'm doing smaller stuff that's easy so I've got the best chance to really stick to it!!

But guess what?????

























I SMOKED LESS YESTERDAY!!!! Don't know how many less yet until the 24 hour mark but it's definately LESS - I THINK maybe about 5 ciggies LESS!! Which isn't bad because the stcky said to aim for one less ciggie a day!

I didn't do it by punishing myself either - at one point I'd just had one and wanted another - I really wanted another, so I had it but in the meantime and all through the day I altered little things, like this morning I only brought one ciggy down with me.

Maybe there's hope for me yet?

[historyteach]

Hey! CONGRATULATIONS!!!
Smoking less is always a good thing! And notice, it's the *behaviors* you changed in order to smoke less. YOu "altered little things."
There is ALWAYS hope! Keep it up, Equus. One day at a time; one less ciggie at a time.

Shalom!

[equus]

I'm thinking I'll taper down until I feel more confident then go for a quit!

I don't want to taper all the way because I think that would be torture for me but yesterday felt like the nearest thing I've had to success in a long while!

I feel a bit mean just staying on this thread - I don't feel like I have much to offer at the moment.

[historyteach]

Equus;
Every bit of information is helpful. Please don't leave. Remember just as it is on every other forum, when sharing our ESH, we never know what is going to be the key for someone. For example, you allowed me to reinforce my reasons for not lighting back up every time I want one, and that I need to focus on behaviors. ANd that IS a help.
Continue sharing.

Shalom!

[equus]

I'm glad it's of some use!! I willingly volunteer as a living warning when it comes to ciggies!!

I stayed ast the same number yesterday and I'm trying today but at work I find it harder.

This is going to sound really wierd, but thinking full pelt seems to be a real trigger for me to smoke. I'm somewhat restricted with what I can do at work but I solve the problems I get faced with very quickly by lateral thinking. Then in spare time SR makes me think just about as hard as I can and it's that 'floating' thinking - where you go scanning all things for relevent information, or usable info that starts to really make me crave a ciggy.

Do you know what I mean? Sort of where you let an issue float over everything you ever learned in order to pull on all resources. I use that at work lots and when posting on SR but it REALLY makes me want a ciggy.