Disatisfied

[Andy F]

I haven't had a cigarette for 2 around two years. Last few months I have begun to intellectually crave one. This is what happened to me last time. I quit for a few years and then mentally slid back.

It is odd. To pack it in because I hated it, to win, and then to want it back.

What the problem is doesn't matter. I know the solution is mental. I have forgotten and am no longer grateful. Time to get the pen and paper out again.

[Dan]

Time to get the pen and paper out again.

[historyteach]

What is the pen and paper used for in this instance, Andy?
I hope you regain your resolve. You and other "quitters" are the real winners here. And you are an inspiration to me....
Keep up your good work!
Shalom!

...

Andy!
Wow.. you have stayed quit for 2 years!
I am only on day 6...Good for you.

Like historyteach says.. you are an inspiration. Thank you for the post. It seems more real than "it will be all sunshine and roses after the cravings go away"

Fight the good fight!

[Andy F]

Originally Posted by historyteach

What is the pen and paper used for in this instance, Andy?
Shalom!

To write and get back to remembring why I quit. To get back to a positive frame of mind where I am happy and contented, grateful to be a non-smoker. Similar to stopping drinking really.

e.g.

the smell on my clothes.

self-consciousness around kissing my non-smoking wife.

self-consciousness around clients.

self-consciousness of having to leave public buildings like a leper at every break to find a corner to smoke

not having to sit in meetings desperate to smoke

if I get arrested for any reason the police can't play power games over letting me smoke.

that wheeze on my chest

that sense that excercise is a bit pointless

The whole thing that society is generally geared up for non-smokers now

Knowing that one day I either took the bull by the horns and quit or I would smoke to the day I died - and that there was no middle solution.

That fear that at what point would I smoke the cigarette too far

The erosion of my self-esteem because I would not quit

But, I smoked for the reasons I wanted to smoke, not for the reasons I didn't want to. I think I am full of romantic B.S. from the days when I was a crook and we stayed up till 3am planning stuff and smoking. I think that unconsciously I am feeling uncomfortable and I believe, like ripping a plaster off, taking a cigarette will soothe that. And temporarily will be acceptable if I don't get my thinking right.

Have I made a commitment to stop? Unconditional? Did I mean it? Bollocks, I nailed myself. Now how I feel about it is up to me.

I am going to go and write out my smoking tape now. My blow by blow, moment by moment account of what happens leading up to and taking the first cigarette. No good unless I write down the feelings and thoughts with it. I already know there will be no satisfaction but plenty of guilt, but I can experience the emotional response on paper.

That's kind of how my writing starts. lol.

[Dan]

if I get arrested for any reason the police can't play power games over letting me smoke.

I'm adding that one to my list.

[CarolD]

Andy...like you..my mental obsession gets me around 3 months smoke free and I have relapsed 4 times previously.


Geeze! I was in AA 5 years before I earned a 1 year medallion..

This time I will follow your lead and write. Thanks so much for the tip!

"if I get arrested for any reason the police can't play power games over letting me smoke."

(chuckle)

..been there

[bookie12]

"if I get arrested for any reason the police can't play power games over letting me smoke."

Well, I guess any reason is as good as any other. (hee hee)!!!!!!!!!!