confession time for me

[lonlion]

I must confess that I relapsed on the cigarettes. It amazes me how this brings up all the old addict behaviors in me. I was as defensive about starting smoking again and trying to keep it as I was about the drugs and alcohol years ago.

I have beaten myself up so much over this. Not just disappointing myself, but my fellow co-workers, and family and friends. I am experiencing major dejavous like when I relapsed on the drugs. Battling with the shame and guilt like I did relapse on alcohol and drugs.
Damn this is challenging! I feel like I had it beat, then wham!

I will get back on track, but I truly don't have the same motivation I had when I quit on February 13. How do I get that back? Do I want to get it back? Internal battles going on.

thanks for letting me vent
Diana

[margo]

((((((((((Diana)))))))))) I really, really feel for you. I remember the last time I gave quitting a serious try and relapsed and feeling all those things you describe - it is no fun. All I can say to you is to try not to beat yourself up. You had some clean time from cigarettes and you will have learned something in that time. It's no different from relapsing when in recovery from alcohol/drugs - we learn things during that period of recovery and that knowledge can be used in the future. Try starting a journal, Diana - write out your feelings - keeping them inside will do you no good. Write honestly about what was going on when you lit up again, about what was going on in your life, any stressors, how you were feeling, etc, etc. You can use this relapse to help you in the future.

I wish I knew how to tell you to get "it" back again. It took me a long time from my last relapse to try again and I am scared that if I relapse this time there won't be another chance. That's why I try to do it "just for today". We can do it just for a day. To tell you the truth, I've been really struggling for the past three days - I know how those cravings come on out of the blue and how intense they can be. Don't give up on yourself - you can do this again. Perhaps if you try again before too long has gone by you can pick up where you left off and it will just be a bump in the road instead of another long period of smoking.

Take a look through the "sticky threads" at the top of the forum and think about doing at least a Step 1, 2, and 3 for your cigarette addiction - we are as powerless over this as our other addictions and need to treat it accordingly.

Love and hugs to you!

[KelKel]

(((Diana)))
Please try to just observe the similarities and let the rest go.
This too shall pass my friend... stop beating yourself up, you have come so far and deserve only love.

[lonlion]

Thank you so much for your responses. Margo I stopped to think about what had been going on. I have surgery coming up. The surgeon is going to be taking the hardware out of my leg so that I can maybe walk without a cane. Also my daughter lost her job and will have to move in with me for a bit. She hates the smoking and it is a big issue for her. I just feel that I can't continue to use excuses, because if we look, we can ALL find them.

I will try not to be so hard on myself and see the positives. I have not returned to smoking while at work, I have not allowed myself to smoke in my car again. I don't want this to be so easy for me, and I also don't want to get back to all my old smoking habits. This is me trying to feel better about myself. The truth of the matter is, if you had told me last year that I would be battling with this like I was with my drinking and using I would have said, No way! But here I am.

To top things off, my sponsor told me that had I consulted with her before quitting she would have said, it was commendable to think of it, but she would not have suggested it in the first year of recovery! Such is life. If this is the only demon I have to battle right now (besides food) then I am not doing too badly.

Thanks again Margo and Kellie for your responses and encouragement
Diana

[margo]

You're welcome, Diana. Good to see you back so soon and feeling better about things. Keep doing those positive things like not smoking in your car, etc. Perhaps when you're daughter comes you can start to take your smoke breaks outside. One thing that really helped me get prepared was to only smoke outside and my consumption went way down because of that. I work from home and could light up anytime I wanted before that. I was amazed, even when still smoking, at how much nicer my home smelled with no one smoking inside. Just take it a step at a time and you will get there again - you've done it before, so the odds are with you. My sponsor told me the exact same thing, too - it makes sense, although I did start to use that as an excuse after a while.

Don't be a stranger - the door's open to smokers and nonsmokers alike!

[Lavender]

((((((((Diana)))))))))