What's the best way for your family/friends to support you?

[tkdjunkie]

My fiance REALLY wants to stop smoking. He's been alcohol and drug-free for almost 20 years, but he feels very ashamed that he can't stop smoking.

He stopped smoking for two months last summer, but the Chantix didn't do well for him (depression). He always apologizes for lighting up in front of me. I tell him I love him and admire him - whether he smokes or not. He talks about quitting all the time, but he does nothing. He simply keeps "apologetically" lighting up. I'm sad to see him so ashamed of himself.

I want to support him, but I'm afraid that I might accidentally make things worse.

What is the best way that your friends and family can support you?

Since good intentions can backfire ... what kinds of "supportive" things have your friends and families done for you that made things worse?

[historyteach]

To keep talking about it.
That kept bringing it up.
Let your fiance bring it up if he wants to when he quits.
Otherwise, let it go.
And, maybe, give a weekly treat, "just because."

On another note, though, if the depression came to the forefront when he quit,
he should get some help for that.
It's quite common that smokers have an underlying mental health issue. And also, when we quit smoking, we are loosing a very dear friend, who's been with us for years, through thick and thin. So, depression can *start* as a result of that quit.

If he decides to quit again, he should ask his doctor about the depression. There are medications that can help him over the hump. Especially if it's just the situational depression resulting from quitting.

I hope he can find his way.
Perhaps you can send him here for support when he's ready.
There's lots of wisdom to be gained by sharing our collective ESH.

Shalom!

[tkdjunkie]

Thank you for your help!

[historyteach]

tkdjunkie,
I just found this from the American Cancer Society:

Helping A Smoker Quit: Do's and Don'ts

General Hints for Friends and Family
Do respect that the quitter is in charge. This is their lifestyle change and their challenge, not yours.

Do ask the person whether he or she wants you to call or visit regularly to see how he or she is doing. Let the person know that it's okay to call you whenever he or she needs to hear encouraging words.

Do help the quitter get what she or he needs, such as hard candy to suck on, straws to chew on, and fresh veggies cut up and kept cold in the refrigerator.

Do spend time doing things with the quitter to keep his or her mind off smoking -- go to the movies, take a walk to get past a craving (what many call a "nicotine fit"), or take a bike ride together.

Do help the quitter with a few chores, some child care, cooking -- whatever will help lighten the stress of quitting.

Do celebrate along the way. Quitting smoking is a BIG DEAL!

Don't take the quitter's grumpiness personally during his or her nicotine withdrawal. The symptoms usually pass in about 2 weeks.

Don't offer advice. Just ask how you can help with the plan or program they are using.

If Your Smoker "Slips"

Don't assume that he or she will start back smoking like before. A "slip" (taking a puff or smoking a cigarette or two) is pretty common when a person is quitting.

Do remind the quitter how long he or she went without a cigarette before the slip.

Do help the quitter remember all the reasons he or she wanted to quit, and forget about the slip as soon as possible.

Don't scold, nag, or make the quitter feel guilty. Be sure the quitter knows that you care about him or her whether or not he or she smokes.

If Your Smoker Relapses

Research shows that most people try to quit smoking 5 to 7 times before they succeed. If a relapse happens, think of it as practice for the time he or she will succeed. Don't give up your efforts to encourage and support your loved one. If the person you care about fails to quit:

Do praise him or her for trying to quit, and for whatever length of time (days, weeks, or months) of not smoking.

Do encourage him or her to try again. Don't say, "If you try again..." Say, "When you try again..." Studies show that most people who don't succeed in quitting are ready to try again in the near future.

Do encourage him or her to learn from the attempt. Things a person learns from a failed attempt to quit may help him or her be successful in a future attempt. It takes time and skills to learn to be a non-smoker.

Do say, "It's normal to not succeed the first time you try to quit. Most people understand this, and know that they have to try to quit again. You didn't smoke for two whole weeks this time. You got through the worst part. Now you know you can do that much. Now that you know you can get through the worst part, you can get even further next time."

If You Are a Smoker

Do smoke outside and always away from the quitter.

Do keep your cigarettes and matches out of sight. They might be triggers for your loved one to smoke.

Don't ever offer the quitter a smoke, even as a joke!

Do join your friend in his or her effort to quit. It's better for your health and might be easier to do with someone else that is trying to quit!

Call the American Cancer Society at 1-800-ACS-2345 to find out what resources might be available to you for your quit attempt.

Hope it helps you some!

Shalom!

[cess101]

Hi TKDJunkie,

Speaking as a former smoker, and nicotine addict (once & always, which is why I say "NOPE-Not One Puff Ever!)....... "Lead and keep leading, gently, because you really can't make anyone do anything that they are not ready or adequately equipped to do." I'm thinking that a lot of what your fiance is saying to you is really all in preparation of something he is longing for deep down inside. Quitting is in the back of his mind. First comes the yearning desire and then comes the actual action of quitting.

It's all a process so think of it in phases and let him work at it at his own pace, knowing all along the way that you are one of his greatest supporters, if he so decides to quit. He sounds like he will. If he asks ever, write down a motivating sentence or two for him. I know that helped me. I asked several of my relatives and friends to jot down their feelings about my smoking and/or my quitting and received the most unbelievable feedback. You/he will be surprised, (if he only asks), what he will discover out there. It's harder to do it alone.

By gentle leading, I mean leading him to articles and perhaps websites like this where he can get helpful information on various methods (tapering down, cold turkey, NRT's, etc.) and support from other quitters. Or next time he starts apologizing, suggest something else that he enjoys. If he agrees, dine and go to places that prohibit smoking more often and spend more time with people who don't smoke or who may be quitting themselves.

Hope that helps. Keep us posted :<)

cess101

[historyteach]

Great info, as always, Cess!

Shalom!