Venting

[Bobbybanned]

The cigarettes seem to own me. I want to take control. But I feel weak. I don't want to experience the anxiety that comes with this choice. A cigarette sits in the ashtray as I write this, burning away, patiently waiting for me to pick it up and suck the poison from it.
I hate smoking, I love smoking, I hate loving to smoke. I need to love hating it more. I must stop. Smoking goes against everything I have worked so hard for.
I cannot stand the contradiction that my actions represent. I gave up all mood and mind altering drugs to save my life and to have a life worth living. For self respect, dignity and all of those wonderful things that come with abstinence from those drugs. I am compromising myself by smoking these cigarettes.
They're killing me. There is no question. I want to fight back. I feel so ill equppied to fight. I feel weak.

My posting this is an attempt to expose myself. It seems it is all I have. I don't want to kid myself. I don't want to hide behind the reasoning and the excuses, the manufactured justification that permits me to smoke just one more day. I want to rid myself of the shame that comes as a result of what I just mentioned, just as much as I want to rid myself of the cigarettes themselves.
I do want to win this battle. I want to relish in the accomplishment of going through the torture of quitting and coming out a winner. If I only add a day to my life it would be worth it. I want to show my daughters that their father can act on what he believes, thoroughly, not only where and when it is convenient. It is so difficult for them to understand why I would choose to myslef in jeopardy. They never smoked, they do not understand. They know it's addicting and it's hard to quit, but only because thats what is said, not because they experienced it. I want to show them that I believe life is worth living no matter how hard the fight. I have showed them, time and time again, that I want to smoke, just one more day.
I owe this to myself. I so truly do. Just like before, 27 and a half months ago I went through a similar fights. Theoretically, it is so similar. I saved my life once, I can do it again.

Yeah, well, we will see.

That cigarette is no longer burner. It has been extinguished. I have 9 left.
This really sucks!

I appreciate the opportunity to vent here. This is simply an attempt for me to put everything on the table.
Thanks

[best]

I can do it again.

Yeah, well, we will see.

Yes we will. You can do it. We both know how hard it can be but we both know it can be done.

[Bobbybanned]

Thanks Best!
Just a little support makes a huge difference. I am grateful!

Bobby

[margo]

(((((Bobby))))) My journal entries prior to quitting were very similar to what you'v'e written above. I was a 33-year smoker, two packs a day at my heaviest. I often despaired of ever being able to quit, but just passed the five-month-quit mark on Wednesday. It's been really hard at times, and there have been periods when I have missed my smokes so much I cried, but it's worth the fight. I used the patch and it really helped. You can do this Bobby - believe in yourself, and we will believe in you too.

[Bobbybanned]

I appreciate the support Margo.
I've smoked 2 since writing that post. I keep trying to put that next one off as long as I can in hopes I won't pick it up at all.

Thanks again.
Bobby

[historyteach]

Bobby;

I'm sorry I missed this earlier. But, I too smoked for 36 years. I'm now quit for almost nine months.
Here's things I did that helped me reach this milestone:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-my-quit.html (Tips from my Quit)
I hope they can help you too. It's one step at a time, Bobby. You CAN do this. We're here to help you when you're ready.

Shalom!

[Bobbybanned]

Thanks historyteach