screwed up

[jeff8330]

well, i had over two weeks under my belt without drink, i was regularly attending meetings, and generally doing well. i landed myself a job in the landscaping business. That lasted all of three days. It was friday night. My boss asked me to go out with him. I was leary at first, but didnt want to refuse since i was only 3 days on the job. I also didnt want to tell him i am in recovery for the exact same reason. well, to skip ahead, and i am now jobless and i dont know why. I blacked out dont remember what happened at the bar. I was doing well at first, drinking soda's and water, then he kept pressuring me to do shots with him. I resisted for a while, but then i thought, well maybe if i just do one, ill be ok and he will shut up about it. Well, you know what the alcoholic mind thinks, repeating the same behaviors and expecting a different outcome. well, i got the same outcome, i am now jobless again. Im not even so much worried about that, im more dissapointed in myself than anything else. this totally sucks, for once i wish i was something other than a **** up

too bad there isnt a smiley that depicts me kicking my own ass

[The Guzler]

I feel your pain, I am going to tell everyone in the worl I am an alcoholic. And i am goin to stay out of bars. Being sober feels like beeing punished to me, like being in jail, or restrained, and the voices in my head get way louder.
god gives you choices

[jeff8330]

i hear you man. its like punishment. i dont enjoy any of the wholesome things i used to, i lost pretty much everything i worked my ass off for...... and all i can think about is not going out and spending time sober, but going out and getting ripped up. i hate how this **** rules my decision making

[CarolD]

Yes...I too hated AA for months!
Ugh! Who were these weirdo people?


However..
I was desparate to quit drinking
and they could teach me.

I even got a great job from an AA friend
and stayed at it for 6 years.

Most of us have false starts...just keep in focus

[NYCGirl]

Sorry I rambled, but I hope some of what I wrote helps. Check out the link at the bottom.

I from the JS too a little farther south. I wish I had listened too myself and not my demons when i was 23 and blacking out or 27 or 30 for that matter. Well i didn't. I guess I was kinda lucky I skated by always managing to get to work, to leave the party before anyone noticed how drunk I was.

Like having kids, I kinda sorta sobered up for a while, just a glass of wine two or three time a week while I was pregant I think the higher power made sure of that. My kids are healthy, but it seemed the older they got the more I got back into drinking, didn't have time to go out to bars any more, but it was worse, sneeking shots and covering up with a beer or two here, passing out on lawns, roaming the streets at 3:00 am after fighting with my husband and not remembering any of it. Well here I am 45 and I finally woke up and realized I more than just like to drink, I am an alcoholic and I needed to stop.

So here I am 44 days with a one day slip in there at about 1/2 way. I have not entirely change my life style and I hope it stays working for me, I still go to concerts, parties and do fun stuff, I would have to bury my head in the sand all summer not to, but I am really learning to like things better sober. I even rembered the Skynard concert I just went to.

I used to say why would you even go out in the boat with out beer, or why can't I drink on the beach... now I am starting to see that it's the things I like.

I hope you listen to your better self why you are still young, I think I mentioned this to you before you might want to try and get yourself into and Oxford house. it is not detox just a good clean place to live. there are a ton of ehm in Jersey. I have an ironic relationship with the orginization if you want PM and I''l tell you more.http://www.oxfordhouse.org/

[BSPGirl]

Hmm sounds that boss was a sucky one anyway...why would he pressure you like that? Seems like he wanted to see you stumble and fall.

Marte

[2dayzmuse]

I agree. Who needs a boss that would pressure you into drinking? Sounds like losing your job is a plus from the drinking aspect.

[hector]

(jeff), I'm sorry you lost your job. I'm just as sorry you wish you could kick yourself in the butt. Where has that ever got you?

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move on. Learn the lesson, feel the sorrow, and let it go. Program people will help you, some of us have been there. You did what you thought was right at the time with the knowledge and information you had. Now do what you know is right now with the knowledge and information you have. Recovery is a journey, not a destination.

I've been sober over 17 1/2 years. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.

[chip]

Hey Jeff-
Don't beat yourself up bro. You got 2 weeks in, and you can use that for a base for your next attempt. Try and learn from your mistake. That boss of yours sounds like a real jerk. You are better off not working for a guy who uses pressure tactics like that.

As far as your slip, it sounds to me like you should't go out to a bar if you want to stay sober. It's too hard not to drink when everyone is drinking in front of you, and you are at a bar. If you really want to quit, consider avoiding slippery people and places.

In response to what you said about it feeling like punishment not to drink....

I feel for you because I've been in the same spot as you. I've felt like I can't keep drinking, but I've gotta keep drinking. I've felt like there was no nice way out. I felt like I lost my best friend when I first quit drinking.

If sobriety "sucks", why quit drinking? I'm playing the devil's advocate here, and I don't recommend that you keep drinking. It's proven that some alcoholic's "bottoms" are underground...in the grave. Someone once told me that if I wasn't really into getting sober, I should just keep drinking untill I was really ready. Some people arn't ready to embrace sobriety because they havnt' been beaten down enough. I hope you don't let the booze beat you down any lower. I don't think you, or me, need to go any lower.

You know what sucks? Quitting drinking when you don't have any other way to cope. Sobriety is a wonderful gift. Being a "dry drunk" sucks. They say that contented sobriety is much more than just being dry.... I believe them. I hope one day I can say I've learned to cope without drinking. I'm working on it, but it's hard. I hope you can find answers which will help you.

I hope you can keep working at it. I hope you can feel better, and get back on track. You arn't alone, and lot's of us have relapses, falls and scrapes. Keep at it...it will get better.
chip