Can't Sleep

[chip]

Here I am, at 5am. Staying up all night was an old habit of mine, which I engaged in often, when I drank. Here I am, sober, but I can't sleep. I've been reading some of the message boards, and thought it might soothe my racing mind if I wrote some stuff.

My mind is racing tonight. I had a hard time sleeping last night, took a long afternoon nap, and probably had too many coffees. This is a recipe for insomnia if I've ever heard of one. It doesn't help that my wife is a chronic insomniac, and is going through a rough spot. I would fall into fitful sleep, only to be awakened by her tossing and turning. She took some medication, and is snoring at the moment. I, on the other hand, am now fully awake. I stay away from any kind of sleeping pills.

I've been dry for 9 months, but didn't kick my marijuanna habit untill January. I've been clean and sober for 6 months. I started my recovery with SR, and have always found use for it since. This site helped me gather up the guts to quit drinking. This site helped me get the smarts to join AA. This site helped me peel away the layers of denial I enshrouded my spirit in. This site helped me kick my weed habit.

I wish this site could help me go to sleep?!!??!

In my past, a bottle of whiskey and a joint were my tools of choice for achieving sleep.

Here I am, looking for something external as a solution to my problems.

My wife really hurt my feelings today. She called me a loser. I lie in bed and think about my past, and all the times I've been disapointed. I feel guilty sometimes. It's a general guilt, with no real reason. Sometimes I feel guilty,and I try and find a reason to justify my feelings.

At least I am clean and sober. Things were always worse when I used. Although I was able to surpress my thoughts and bad feelings, my behaviour made things much worse. Things would be worse for me now if I were to drink or use. I imagine the guilt I would feel tommorow. I don't like being called a loser, and I'm not about to behave like a real loser would.

My wife calls me a loser, but she can't sleep without her expensive perscription which my health insurance pays for. My wife calls me a loser, but she cannot function without smoking 3-6 joints a day. She makes fun of my career, but struggles with her own....drifting from four month contract to four month contract. I know I shouldn't judge her, or try and do her moral inventory for her. It's just difficult to take her abuse when she is screwed up herself. I liked her alot better when I drank and smoked pot. I'm sure she liked me better then as well. Apparently, these days, I'm a "buzz killer" or a "downer".

It's good to get this stuff off my chest. I'm not sure if this is really appropriate for this message board, but it sure feels good to get it out in the open in some way or another.

The online thing works for me because I build up barriours around myself, and am very cautious with opening up to *real* people f2f. I can sit here in my dark basement, and none of you know who I am. You can't hurt me. I'm so afraid of being hurt, I've built a shell around myself.

In AA, I'm able to share. I try and share with my sponsor, but things don't seem to be jiving the way they should. I don't really call many people. I don't give out my phone number. I actually don't want the inconvience of calling people and getting phone calls. Sounds selfish eh? I suffer from chronic selfishness, near fatal uniquness and catastrophic denial.

It's a true miracle that I'm clean and sober right now.

What did I get from this little rant? Well, I got some stuff off my chest. I admitted some things about myself which might be hindering my recovery. I've reminded myself of my progress, and that I am clean and sober. I think I'm *tired* enough now to try the sleep thing again. Mabee someone else here can relate?

Thanks for reading. I wish everyone a good, sober 24 hours.
chip

[wishful]

Hope you got to sleep! You sound like a winner to me - you're sober, improving your life, and staying away from the sleeping pills - insomnia aside you've accomplished a lot of great things today! Hope tomorrow finds you rested and recharged!

[Arura]

Hi, chip Hopefully your sound asleep n all our best wishes are coming your way, while you dream. Be strong sweetie, you an't no Loser...!

Sleep Well n hope you wake up to another clean n sober...

Shhhh....x

[CarolD]

See if this helps

http://www.well.com/user/mick/insomnia/

I hate to sleep Chip so I have not used it!

Let me remind you of PAWS..

http://www.tlctx.com/ar_pages/paw_part1.htm

Loser? Consider the source.
Active users lash out at successful winners!...

Hugs

[Lollipop]

Hi Chip,

Loser?! I think NOT! As was already stated, consider the source, Im no doctor or anything but just from personal experience, sounds to me like she is trying to either drag you back into using or is having a hard time adjusting to the strength you have found in not using. (this could either be consciously or subconsciously)
Ahhhhh......the buzz killer............a saying that comes to mind here, maybe you can relate...." Hey man, quit stepping on my buzz!!!"
My new found response to this is a simple....."Dude! If I can step on your buzz 'cuz Im sober, then you need to rethink your buzz!!!" This always leaves 'em lookin at ya kinda funny and trying to figure out the depth of these words while in their "buzzed" state of mind!!!
As for the walls. shield, and not wanting the trouble of making/recieving the phone calls etc, Im pretty much the same way..........Thank you Goddess for caller ID!!!!
Im glad you found SR and that it has helped, I love it here LOL I am around a min. 4-6 times a day. Stay strong, I hope you get some sleep!!!!!
Liss

[carolm]

Hey Chip,

Loser? Hardly. It is very difficult to quit when your spouse is still using, but just remember that what you're doing is ever so much harder. Perhaps through your example, eventually, your wife will also seek recovery.

I did the AA thing when I was released from rehab and have been clean and sober for 14 years. But SR is really great. I'm not a phone person at all, and I'm not great about going out at night. There are so many wonderful people here.

Take care. Remember, you are being the strong one.

Carol

[Sugasnaps]

Aww Chip,

You're right about none of us knowing you in-real-life... and yet I feel like I know you. I have been where you have been and I agree it is a pretty crappy place to be (in addiction). It is one of the most difficult life-situations to find yourself an insider - living it is pure hell.

Yet, inspite of your own addictions and living with an addict as well you have managed to pull yourself out of that desperate place. You did that... You... Noone else did it for you. That speaks of an inner strength that can shake the universe. The threads that tie you to your addictions grow weaker with every passing day that you resist the old ways and I have seen in you a quiet yet powerful man emerge. One that in his own way is truly a hero.

Your wife may not see that hero inside of you but most likely it is her own insecurity seeing your strength that drives her to call you a loser in order to make herself feel better about her own issues. You started to grow when you left your addictions behind. She's not growing with you. I hope she does but you know you can't force it - it has to be her choice.

You are not a loser. Not by a longshot.

Hang in there and cut down on the coffee in the evening. Try drinking a hot mug of cocoa before you go to bed. Also, when I find I have sleeping issues I have taken Benedryl - an allergy medication - it always makes me super sleepy.

Be good to yourself.

Suga

[chip]

Thanks for the support. I got a bit of sleep, and my body has adjusted. I'll be fine today, and I'm sure I'll sleep well tonight. Wishful, Arura, CarolD, Lollipop, Carolm, and Sugasnaps Thank you so much for making me feel better. When I read what you wrote, it pulled me out of my slump.

Things are much better when I give it to my HP. Last night, I surrendered my entire life to my HP. I figure I don't need to worry about my past or my future when I put these things into the hands of my HP. I was happy when I went to sleep, and although it was only 3 hours or so, I feel refreshed.

Thank you again for *listening* and affirming me as a human being. I'm not really a "phone person", but I feel like I got the same fellowship and help I would have gotten if I picked up the phone and started calling fellow AA'ers at 5am.
chip

[michski]

((( chip ))))

You gotta cut way back on the coffee!! I found exercise to be irreplaceable when it came to managing my stress and sleeping well at night.

It's so difficult when it's time to get clean and only one person does it... it kind of points out the disease in the other person. She's probably pissed off at your sobriety because it makes her consumption stick out like a sore thumb.

It's so admirable that you are grounded in your intentions and know that a drink or a joint won't make anything better.... You Rock!

[Arura]

Im glad you feel better today honi, its nearly bed time for me...!

Enjoy your day...x

[splendra]

As a recovering A living with an active A it is difficult for me sometimes too. My H says I judge him well maybe I do. I am tired of his stuff. He spends all of his pay on dope while I spend all my pay on bills and grocries.

I have invited him to leave anytime he is really fed up with my judgemental bill paying grocriey buying ways. OOOPs that might mean he would have to clear something up first cause he spends so much on dope he doesn't have anything left over. Maybe I will get sick enough of him and buy his way out of my space... do I sound sarcastic well it's good to get it out here rather than risk hurting his feelings I guess... thanx for letting me vent.

[chip]

Arura- I'm going to bed early tonight. Thanks for the well wishes. I wish you a wonderful day too.

Michski is right. I think my sobriety makes her using stick out like a sore thumb....or at least it seems that way to her. Splendra's situation is similar to mine. My W is a functional, and has good earning potential. She also has her PHD which puts me down a notch, probably in her mind. I realize I'm venting here, but my relationship is important to me and I want it to work out.

She appologized for calling me a loser.

We should start a club for people who are clean, while their partners still use. It's not a great situation. At least we arn't alone. It seems to be theme in many of our lives. In my case, it's complicated because my W was clean before she met me. I'm the one who turned her onto drugs, although she was a heavy binge drinker before we met. We actually met because we both were heavy drinkers.

I wish everyone a great 24 hours. I want to send out a special wish to anybody who's partner still uses.... I wish you peace, and strength in your recovery. I hope one day our partners will join us on the road to recovery.
chip

[Lollipop]

Chip,
Good Morning!
How did you sleep last night? Im hoping you had a good nite.


I am so glad that your wife apoligized for the things she said. Sometimes, people just dont realize how hurtful even an offhanded comment can be. Comunication is so important right now, I pray that you can be honest about your feelings and that she can support you. Have a great sober day!!!! Update us!!!!
Liss

[GeorgiaPeach]

When my AH is mean to me and says hateful things I know that it is the addiction(drugs) talking and not him so maybe that is the case for you. About the sleep. I don't know if you have any pain or not but my AH has a bad back (that is what started the pills in the first place). He has not been sleeping well at all. Sleep for two hours & wake up for an hour and sleep for two hours and wake up for an hour, etc. Anyway, I got him some tylenol PM and had been telling him to take it for his back & to sleep so last night he did and he slept all through the night. He woke up once to go to the bathroom and went right back to sleep. Maybe that will help. Ignoring your spouse's comments gets easier!

GP

[chip]

Hello-
Well, I slept great last night and attended a meeting today. So far, I'm having a great sober day. I admit I've said some very mean things to my W when we fight, and I didn't mention THAT in this forum. It's easy for me to be judgmental, and I need to watch that. My sober behaviour can be pretty bad, albiet not as bad as it could get when I was drinking. We seem to get along better when we don't talk about important things right after she has used. I get upset when she talks to me after using her drugs. Before I became sober, I thought I could come across as straight when I was stoned. I realize now that I was in denial. Perhaps I'm a bit sensitive, but I can tell when someone isn't "right". When I smell pot waffting off that person, it confirms my suspisions. It's hurtful when we can't be around someone without being stoned. I realize this about my own drinking and drug use. It must hurt the people around me when they realize I can't stand interacting with them without some substance in my system. Today, there are people I don't like talking too. However, today I am %100 sober when I talk to them. Today, I'll give others the dignity of dealing with someone who is %100 "there". I think one of the hardest things to accept is when one's spouse isn't all "there" at times. I feel pretty bad for all the times I've been that spouse, and I've done it to her more than she's done it to me.

I wish everyone a good, sober day.
chip

[mertyl]

Chip, thanks for the good post. glad your day is going well and i know what you mean on how it can be hurtful to deal with someone who is not being straight. i have been there and my boyfriend is still there and it is easy to say hurtful things when you are being attcked or feel like someone is not listening and you are doing your best to be straight.
This is a confusing time, i am sure for you and for many others and that is why it is important to keep talking and trying to get through because the more you do, the better off you will be. And if it means you are a step head at recovering, then maybe your skills will go further at home.
Good luck

[Lollipop]

Hiyas Chip!
I am SOOOOOOO glad to hear that you slept well last nite, I pray you do again tonite. Congrats on being sober and going to your meeting! These are huge steps and you are on your way!!!!!:wink2:
As for the hurtful things etc. I truely believe that in a way, a lot of us have to actually relearn how to live sober. So much of my life has been spent drunk or drugged that when I got sober, I found I handle things a lot differently then I did. I work on this still today. (Of course, I havent been sober for very long myself, but Im learning LOL) Hang in there!!! Stay strong, your doing GREAT!!!!!!
Liss

[carolm]

Chip,

So glad to hear you got some sleep. I enjoy reading your posts.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Carol

[notsleepingwell]

WTG ...Chip....congrats on your recovery, and yer welcome to rant here....we all do. Hope you are getting some sleep tonight