Just need a place to "talk"

[still_me]

Hey guys,

I haven't been here for a while. I do remember the last time I was here. I wanted help to get clean/sober and someone here offered to talk to me and maybe had even found a detox program for me. I THOUGHT I was ready til they posted that. That terrified me and I didn't come back. Yes, Very sick thinking.

So, here I am today. I ended up at the end of this april in ICU with pancreatitis. So now I'm at the point of weaning off the oxycontin. That is the only thing I need to get off of now. I'm tapering and really thought I was doing well and then today has been a bit rough. Off and on today I feel on the verge of a panic attack. That is the best way to describe it. I also am looking to eat something sweet! I went to a movie last night and I NEVER buy any sweets but bought and ate 2 big boxes of candi by MYSELF!! My sons birthday was yesterday and today I got up and ate 2 HUGE pieces of cake! Am I remembering correctly in that coming off narcotics makes you crave sweets? anyway the problem with that is I'm diabetic now.

I just need somewhere to type all this. I am committed to getting off this stuff and I don't feel like I want to take more than I'm suppose too to wean off but just need to come type here when that panicing feeling comes back. Which it does off and on. I can't get out and go due much due to the pain and the feelings of weakness of the pancreatitis still. Even still on the meds. I have quite a bit of pain. I am HOPING when I'm off it will be tolerable. I'm the one that asked to start tapering off so wish me luck there.

At this point I will just be popping in and out on here.
thanks just for letting me do that.

[Lollipop]

WTG!!!!
Your on the right track!!!! As for craving the sweets, I dunno but since you are diabetic, try the sugar free candy and ice cream.....it is WONDERFUL!!!!
Best of luck!!!
Liss

[best]

Hold strong in your conviction and I am sure you will do well with tapering.
Deal with any urge a moment at a time if need be. You can get past a moment and the moment will get you past the day.

I am not diabetic but I do crave sweets. What I do is to have foods around that are healthy for me that I like and I will eat them if cravings come.

[PillPopper]

Hi still me. I don't have "words of wisdom" but I have tapered from 20+ vicodin a day to 1 a day for the last five days and I am going to nothing tomorrow. I have a lot of anxiety today. I look forward to hearing about your journey and wish you the best. It is tough - but nothing in life worth having is easy!

[still_me]

I'll make it. It's just hard feeling 2 steps away from a panic attack.

Good luck to you try2quit4good. You can do it.

[temlin3]

Hi Still_Me.

I completely understand what you are saying. I think it's probably how we all feel about sharing here. I know that I feel better in this community than alone, which is I was for a long time in this difficult time of getting rid of addictions.

This place is great. Regardless what people bring up, you should try your best not to get scared off. When it boils down to the basics, we can't and won't do anything until we are ready and want to be in it for the long haul.

I'm glad you are back. And letting out your thoughts and feelings is what we all come here for... To learn and grow in sobriety with each other. I hope you stay.

Take care, and good luck with getting off the drugs. I can't give too much advice, as I am quite new here, and I am still working on staying sober. I seem to always get to a bump in the road and I give in again. I think I just need to acquire the ability to stay sober regardless of the bumps and how big they are. I hope you aren't having trouble with any bumps in your road.

Jennifer

[Arura]

Welcome back, Still me,im glad you posted again.
im new to this site and ive been overwhelmed with how much
hope ive found in these post. Glad your back!

Mornin Temlin, hows you....good i hope.......

[temlin3]

Good morning Arura,

Glad to see I'm not the only night owl... well here in Florida anyway. What time is it in London?

I am doing pretty well... some stress and life crap... but I am dealing and moving onward.

How are you? Hopefully doing well.

Take care everyone. I'll be seeing you all here again... especially Still_Me!

Jennifer

[Arura]

Yer great thanks Jen,its 8.30 sunday morning.I dont sleep so
well either, always had a problem with sleep...?
My stomach is a mess.So im just hanging near the loo for
awhile, so thats enough info there....

WoW sunny Florida, you up late. Whats the time there .?

sorry to go off topic....still_me....

[temlin3]

Yes, Still_Me, So sorry to go off the topic.

But... maybe it helps to see that even though we don't know everyone very personally, we appreciate and support each other. And I can tell you this: Arura and I support you! (No matter what time it is.) And it is currently 3:51 a.m. in Florida. Cannot sleep and enjoy SR so much it's where I go at times like this.

I hope your stomach gets better Arura! Sending happy healthy-stomach wishes to you!

[still_me]

after just throwing the biggest fit of my life i think. The worst part is I blew up at one of my dogs I mean children and dogs are my life. All he did is not mind me to go lay down. It was like I wasn't even sane. Just yelling at him for no reason really. Big deal he didn't lay down. My son, almost 19 came in and looked at me like i'm crazy. But he does know what I am doing, weaning off this stuff. All it took was that look from him and I burst into tears. And who comes immediately to comfort me before my son can get to me??? Yep, my dog

So now I sit here with all 3 dogs sound asleep. I can't sleep right now cause I'm back in that panic feeling again. How can you cry and feel paniced at the same time? I don't really expect an answer. I know it can happen cause it's happening now.

Weird thing about weaning off these is I don't feel even tempted to take more than I'm suppose to right now. I know I can and will get off them. I really do. I am scared about the pain when i'm off but I am trying hard to not dwell on that right now. I"m just feeling like crap right now and made my dog feel bad and my sons are just concerned cause I'm kind of a basket case right now.

When I ended up in the hospital with the pancreatitis it was an eye opening time for me. I don't remember the first 5 days. I wasn't told until 2 days before I got out of the hospital that my folks, in their 60s, were told I might not make it and if I did they didn't know what kind of damage there would be. When I heard that something just clicked. I was devastated because I thought about how I could NEVER handle being told that about one of my boys. They are my pride and joy and all I could think of was how horrible it was that my parents were told that. (My family didn't tell my sons it was that bad. They just were told that pancreatitis does kill people but I was getting very good care) I thought about how selfish I am to get in the position I was in. My children are worth more than that. They deserve to have a mom there when they graduate college. When they get married. When they have children. How selfish I have been. Please don't say "don't beat yourself up" cause I'm not. I'm facing the truth. But I am REALLY facing it.

I am waiting for that day when I take my last dose. It will be 15 more days. I realize some won't agree with the taper but health doesn't allow for me to go cold turkey (at least that is what all 3 drs have said). So in 16 days I will be me.

Right now I just need to come and type and type and type at times. I read and read and read as well. After a while the panic feeling and racing heart and all that good stuff settles down to tolerable and I will be good til the next time. BUT I do know there is an end in the very near future. I know this is not forever and I know I am doing good right now about getting back to me.

Thank you to all that have replied and all that just read. I'm going to be bouncing in and out here but I consider that a good thing. It's great to come to a place where I can just "talk" and know that everyone gets it. YOu won't be mad if I don't stay and participate alot and you won't mind when I type 4 pages worth of thoughts either. So, Thank you.

[still_me]

I knew this place would make me feel better

[wishful]

Sounds like you have some good dogs there and a wonderful source of comfort! Hope today is better for you - sending hugs and best wishes. Keep in touch with us!