8year addict cant get over the last "hump"
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: SaraLand, Al
Posts: 8
8year addict cant get over the last "hump"
I Humbly beseech you all for an answer, and welcome your responses,
START:
I essentially had to accept the surgery by the VA, where blood vessels were removed from my leg instead of the nerves, which quickly onset Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy…a condition I can’t begin to describe…considerably worse than the original injuries.
For the first few years, the pain medication and neurological drugs worked well, but found, as many of you have, that you build a tolerance, so the doses went up. Eventually, not even the level of narcotics was working the way it was, and I found myself for the last several years, staving off withdraw symptoms at least as much as treating the pain, which were so severe when I tried to stop, that it literally brought me to the edge of death on the bathroom floor in an empty house.
EXCUSES
2010 brought on my divorce, the death of my father, the death of my grandfather, and as the youngest surviving son, a 40-year old patriarch of the family. Showing ‘weakness’ was not an option, and there wasn’t a ‘good time’ to even think of trying to quit…though think I did.
CATALYST: My 7-year old daughter woke me up while I was driving down the street with her in the back. I didn’t need another catalyst.
PROBLEM CURRENTLY
My doses:Oxy 30mg, X 5/day; Dilauded 8mg X5/day. 1600mcg/Fentynal lozenges/as needed, 48/month. (as well as a few years ago Cymbalta and Lyrica, which have long been removed from the regimen) Prescribed from one/same doc the entire time.
I’ll leave the road to today out, but there has been several times I have tried to quit, and I have literally HAD to get back on it in order to function every other week when I have my daughter. After 3 days, the worst of the withdrawals tend to subside…sometimes worse than others, which I cannot explain, however, the persisting symptom is that my LEFT eye WILL NOT FOCUS (dilation/constriction problems with pupil in left eye only). If I take the oxy, within 8 hours, its back to normal…
At this very moment, I am on day 8 of being off everything, and the issue with vision persists (as well as fatigue, listlessness, lethargy…the normal, where by the time you get dressed you’re so damn exhausted you have to lay back down…even though sleep is something you think about, not participate in).
I feel that if I can remove the issue with my vision, I can operate without fear (driving, etc… I have to close that eye in order to see a single image). Yesterday, I placed a patch over my good eye, in hope that perhaps the left was simply weaker from having it closed all the time, but that had no effect. If ANYONE has an experience with this, please let me know. I have tried vitamin supplements, chicken soup all day for a week, even tried Clonazapam/valium thinking the optic nerve might adjust some with aid of barbiturate, but no dice.
Thank you all, BD.
START:
I essentially had to accept the surgery by the VA, where blood vessels were removed from my leg instead of the nerves, which quickly onset Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy…a condition I can’t begin to describe…considerably worse than the original injuries.
For the first few years, the pain medication and neurological drugs worked well, but found, as many of you have, that you build a tolerance, so the doses went up. Eventually, not even the level of narcotics was working the way it was, and I found myself for the last several years, staving off withdraw symptoms at least as much as treating the pain, which were so severe when I tried to stop, that it literally brought me to the edge of death on the bathroom floor in an empty house.
EXCUSES
2010 brought on my divorce, the death of my father, the death of my grandfather, and as the youngest surviving son, a 40-year old patriarch of the family. Showing ‘weakness’ was not an option, and there wasn’t a ‘good time’ to even think of trying to quit…though think I did.
CATALYST: My 7-year old daughter woke me up while I was driving down the street with her in the back. I didn’t need another catalyst.
PROBLEM CURRENTLY
My doses:Oxy 30mg, X 5/day; Dilauded 8mg X5/day. 1600mcg/Fentynal lozenges/as needed, 48/month. (as well as a few years ago Cymbalta and Lyrica, which have long been removed from the regimen) Prescribed from one/same doc the entire time.
I’ll leave the road to today out, but there has been several times I have tried to quit, and I have literally HAD to get back on it in order to function every other week when I have my daughter. After 3 days, the worst of the withdrawals tend to subside…sometimes worse than others, which I cannot explain, however, the persisting symptom is that my LEFT eye WILL NOT FOCUS (dilation/constriction problems with pupil in left eye only). If I take the oxy, within 8 hours, its back to normal…
At this very moment, I am on day 8 of being off everything, and the issue with vision persists (as well as fatigue, listlessness, lethargy…the normal, where by the time you get dressed you’re so damn exhausted you have to lay back down…even though sleep is something you think about, not participate in).
I feel that if I can remove the issue with my vision, I can operate without fear (driving, etc… I have to close that eye in order to see a single image). Yesterday, I placed a patch over my good eye, in hope that perhaps the left was simply weaker from having it closed all the time, but that had no effect. If ANYONE has an experience with this, please let me know. I have tried vitamin supplements, chicken soup all day for a week, even tried Clonazapam/valium thinking the optic nerve might adjust some with aid of barbiturate, but no dice.
Thank you all, BD.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
Hi and Welcome,
We cannot give any kind of medical advice here, but I would definitely talk to your dr about the eye issue. It could many things and you need a proper diagnosis. Good for you for working to get off the drugs and live a sober life. I know how hard it is to make the decision.
We cannot give any kind of medical advice here, but I would definitely talk to your dr about the eye issue. It could many things and you need a proper diagnosis. Good for you for working to get off the drugs and live a sober life. I know how hard it is to make the decision.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: SaraLand, Al
Posts: 8
"We cannot give any kind of medical advice here, but I would definitely talk to your dr about the eye issue. It could many things and you need a proper diagnosis. "
That, I suppose is the crux of the extended problem...a veteran that has been diagnosed with a drug dependency issue doesn't stand a chance entering Civil Service, or anything...anything. Even here. I simply do not trust the doctors any more. I cannot offord it.
I'd rather be in pain in this life than numb in Hell forever.
That, I suppose is the crux of the extended problem...a veteran that has been diagnosed with a drug dependency issue doesn't stand a chance entering Civil Service, or anything...anything. Even here. I simply do not trust the doctors any more. I cannot offord it.
I'd rather be in pain in this life than numb in Hell forever.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,372
Hi BamaDam and welcome
I'm sorry for your troubles. I did not trust Drs for many years either...I'd had mistakes made too
but I learned that self medicating got me into even more trouble than the Drs had.
I think sometimes we need that outside perspective...and we need the experience and expert opinion that a qualified medical professional can provide.
Things like sight are simply to important to leave to an internet message board, I think.
Even if someone elsde here has had this trouble, noone here is qualified to assess whether the causes are the same in both cases, or what they did is suitable for you.
There are a lot of free or low cost clinics around - if there's one in your local area you might get some medical advice there?
2-1-1 Call Center Search
Free/Low-Cost/Sliding-Scale Clinics
D
I'm sorry for your troubles. I did not trust Drs for many years either...I'd had mistakes made too
but I learned that self medicating got me into even more trouble than the Drs had.
I think sometimes we need that outside perspective...and we need the experience and expert opinion that a qualified medical professional can provide.
Things like sight are simply to important to leave to an internet message board, I think.
Even if someone elsde here has had this trouble, noone here is qualified to assess whether the causes are the same in both cases, or what they did is suitable for you.
There are a lot of free or low cost clinics around - if there's one in your local area you might get some medical advice there?
2-1-1 Call Center Search
2-1-1 provides free and confidential information and referral. Call 2-1-1 for help with food, housing, employment, health care, counseling and more. Learn more about your local 2-1-1 by looking it up here.
The 10816 clinics in this database are free, low cost, low cost with a sliding scale based on income, or offer some type of financial assistance.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: SaraLand, Al
Posts: 8
Pardon the delay, but this is well in to week number two without anything, and generally, things are getting better.
Dee74; thanks for the links... I actually found a center and talked to an RN regarding the issue, and though he was unfamiliar with that side effect specifically, said that people can suffer common and unique side effects, pending medication that was used, and the duration in which it was used for.
He suggested, two likely scenarios; 1) The Oxy was hiding an underlying issue while using, and/or 2) The time in use and withdrawal has created a severe vitimin defeciancy, specifically with b-complex (Niacin in particular) as well as magnesium. He recommended taking a multi-vitimin, and supplement the others individually on top
Dee74; thanks for the links... I actually found a center and talked to an RN regarding the issue, and though he was unfamiliar with that side effect specifically, said that people can suffer common and unique side effects, pending medication that was used, and the duration in which it was used for.
He suggested, two likely scenarios; 1) The Oxy was hiding an underlying issue while using, and/or 2) The time in use and withdrawal has created a severe vitimin defeciancy, specifically with b-complex (Niacin in particular) as well as magnesium. He recommended taking a multi-vitimin, and supplement the others individually on top
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: SaraLand, Al
Posts: 8
wouldn't let me edit because of time, pardon the correction;
He recommended taking a multi-vitimin, and supplement the others individually on top <EDIT> didnt mean to send unfinished MSG! oops
In the last few days since, things are going better, but I'm not about to say it was the vitamins vs. the time or a combination. I honestly don't know, other than today is a percent better than yesterday. As long as that is the trend, it restores some balance.
Regarding not trusting a doc... I understand your point above, and appreciate it, but everything I ever took came from a legitimate source, and there was no mistaking the errors. That confidence will take more time to repair than my body I'm affraid. But thank you all the same.
He recommended taking a multi-vitimin, and supplement the others individually on top <EDIT> didnt mean to send unfinished MSG! oops
In the last few days since, things are going better, but I'm not about to say it was the vitamins vs. the time or a combination. I honestly don't know, other than today is a percent better than yesterday. As long as that is the trend, it restores some balance.
Regarding not trusting a doc... I understand your point above, and appreciate it, but everything I ever took came from a legitimate source, and there was no mistaking the errors. That confidence will take more time to repair than my body I'm affraid. But thank you all the same.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: SaraLand, Al
Posts: 8
You know, I hadne't thought about it until that last post...
I had never purchased drugs 'off the street" or from others who had the prescriptions. That is probobly my only saving grace, because I am all but certain, through the severity of the withdrawls I had in the begining, particularly the first three days, I would have reached out for relief from any source.
I suppose my "moment of clarity" was when I cancelled the relationship with the doctor definatively. I pray those of you who have multiple sources can cancel your relationships without looking back on it.
I had never purchased drugs 'off the street" or from others who had the prescriptions. That is probobly my only saving grace, because I am all but certain, through the severity of the withdrawls I had in the begining, particularly the first three days, I would have reached out for relief from any source.
I suppose my "moment of clarity" was when I cancelled the relationship with the doctor definatively. I pray those of you who have multiple sources can cancel your relationships without looking back on it.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Sorry for your current troubles, BamaDan. I've a long complicated medical history, and doctors have made serious "mistakes" with me too both in prognosis and treatments. When I was drinking all this continued to be an unending source for resentful ideations and feelings against the entire medical system. I did myself no favors with my resentments, even though they were justified in my mind.
Good to hear your quitting using and went for some help with your eyes. I hope things work out well with all that.
Living with chronic pain is its own kind of misery for sure, and of course, no amount of pain-killer meds will ever be enough when an addiction is in full control. After years of drinking and using I quit everything too and found inside ways to deal with my pains both physical and otherwise. It was not always easy of course, and I paid a price in my own way for that too, because dealing with the pain was a huge distraction for me over the years, even though I was not taking pain meds, it still took its toll on me. There is always freight to be paid. There are no free rides to happiness.
In anycase, I'm a stronger person today for not self-medicating my pains and woes. I'm all for pain meds being taken by whom ever, but for me, this addict knows that long term use for me would and will always lead to abuse, so for me those options are off the table.
I recently had complex surgery, and for 15 days or so I was using dilaudid, a powerful morphine derivative. I'm glad I did, because the surgical pain was totally in my face. As the days went on my pains lessened and so did my use of the meds. Finally, as soon as I could, I dealt with my physical pains from my resources within, and successfully discontinued my use of the dilaudid, no problemo. There were still doses left when I stopped. Now I'm pain free enough to be totally satisfied with my outcomes. I'm not sweating it.
For me, it is difficult to distinguish my physical from my other pains, its all just mixed in together for me, and so my addictional abuse of pain meds is a sure thing, and the writing is forever on the wall.
I'm glad I trusted my doctors and surgeons this time around. My elective surgery worked out, and had I not dealt with my mistrust, I would be worse off. Life is funny. Its ironic how I recently ended up medically speaking, thanking my doctors with a huge smile, when so many of my original medical troubles can be sourced back to their folly and misfortune in their long past treatments of me.
So, I just wanted you to know, that mistrust of doctors and surgeons can be turned around, and things can eventually work out for the better! I have every hope you have many medical successes in your near future!
Congrats on getting clean n' sober.
Take it easy, BamaDan.
Good to hear your quitting using and went for some help with your eyes. I hope things work out well with all that.
Living with chronic pain is its own kind of misery for sure, and of course, no amount of pain-killer meds will ever be enough when an addiction is in full control. After years of drinking and using I quit everything too and found inside ways to deal with my pains both physical and otherwise. It was not always easy of course, and I paid a price in my own way for that too, because dealing with the pain was a huge distraction for me over the years, even though I was not taking pain meds, it still took its toll on me. There is always freight to be paid. There are no free rides to happiness.
In anycase, I'm a stronger person today for not self-medicating my pains and woes. I'm all for pain meds being taken by whom ever, but for me, this addict knows that long term use for me would and will always lead to abuse, so for me those options are off the table.
I recently had complex surgery, and for 15 days or so I was using dilaudid, a powerful morphine derivative. I'm glad I did, because the surgical pain was totally in my face. As the days went on my pains lessened and so did my use of the meds. Finally, as soon as I could, I dealt with my physical pains from my resources within, and successfully discontinued my use of the dilaudid, no problemo. There were still doses left when I stopped. Now I'm pain free enough to be totally satisfied with my outcomes. I'm not sweating it.
For me, it is difficult to distinguish my physical from my other pains, its all just mixed in together for me, and so my addictional abuse of pain meds is a sure thing, and the writing is forever on the wall.
I'm glad I trusted my doctors and surgeons this time around. My elective surgery worked out, and had I not dealt with my mistrust, I would be worse off. Life is funny. Its ironic how I recently ended up medically speaking, thanking my doctors with a huge smile, when so many of my original medical troubles can be sourced back to their folly and misfortune in their long past treatments of me.
So, I just wanted you to know, that mistrust of doctors and surgeons can be turned around, and things can eventually work out for the better! I have every hope you have many medical successes in your near future!
Congrats on getting clean n' sober.
Take it easy, BamaDan.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: SaraLand, Al
Posts: 8
You know... I honestly had not expected so much intelligent, forthright, or precise help from the boards, but had viewed it primarily as a selfish-type prosterity kind of thing...thinking I'd read somthing little more relavent in a thread than actually receiving it directly; I found both...or all.
I am greatful for those who have read, those who have responded, and those that simply let me know they are close, literally and...well, just in scenario.
Thank you. Again.
I am greatful for those who have read, those who have responded, and those that simply let me know they are close, literally and...well, just in scenario.
Thank you. Again.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: California
Posts: 104
Hi, BamaDan! My step father has been both addicted to alcohol and then pain medications and is a veteran.
His pain medication all came from his doctor. We had gone with him to his doctor and psychologist because his mental health was crazy while on so much medication. Neither of them would help. SO i understand your mistrust of doctors.
My mother and I eventually had to go to the local Veterans Advocate, who wasnt even supposed to see him without the veteran present but he did. He helped us get him set up into a treatment program.
I guess where I am going with this is, have you looked into support from the VA? Aside from doctors they have meetings that are held by and with veterans that are in recovery. I know having people who had been through the same things my step dad did has helped his recovery a ton.
If you are interested in that I could give you the information on how to find these meetings or your local advocate in your area
I wish you the best of luck with your journey!
His pain medication all came from his doctor. We had gone with him to his doctor and psychologist because his mental health was crazy while on so much medication. Neither of them would help. SO i understand your mistrust of doctors.
My mother and I eventually had to go to the local Veterans Advocate, who wasnt even supposed to see him without the veteran present but he did. He helped us get him set up into a treatment program.
I guess where I am going with this is, have you looked into support from the VA? Aside from doctors they have meetings that are held by and with veterans that are in recovery. I know having people who had been through the same things my step dad did has helped his recovery a ton.
If you are interested in that I could give you the information on how to find these meetings or your local advocate in your area
I wish you the best of luck with your journey!
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