My Story *Very Long*

[ProudMama]

Hi everyone. I am not new to recovery,but I have not been active in AA in 7 years. I got sober in 1992 at age 15. I was active in AA until I got married in 1998. I met my husband in AA in 1996. After we got married I moved from the home in NJ that I lived in my whole life to Fl. We moved here because my family was moving down 2 years later. I became so wrapped up in being newly married and buying my first home that I felt no desire for AA. My husband stopped going also. I did attend a few meetings,but they just didn't feel the same. I didn't make connections like I did up north,the meetings were different...So I just went on with my happy life.
In 2000 I became pregnant with my first child after 2 years of trying. I was thrilled! I always wanted to be a mother. I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. She became my world. I became a stay at home mom. My husband changed after my daughter was born. He seemed detached from us. When she was 3 months old he shared with me that he was only in AA because of a DWI when he was going through a rough patch after a break up. He said he only went because of that and then he met me and stayed because of me. He said he only "pretended" to be a Alcoholic because of fear that he would loose me if he didn't tell me the truth. He started drinking,"sucessfully" and I started thinking,"am I really a Alcoholic myself?" I started telling myself that I was only 15 when I got sober after only a few years of drinking and it was a normal teenage thing....I started drinking again only on special occasions,"successfully".
I later found out that my husband really was a Alcoholic. He became a daily drunk,spending all of our money on alcohol. He also became physically abusive when confronted. At this time I swore off alcohol. I hated it and what it did to people. But I switched to a new addiction. I became Bulimic. My family and his family had a intervention for him and he almost divorced me. He stopped drinking just to prove to us that he didn't have a problem. After a few months he did start getting better and things were going good. I became pregnant with my second child. I stopped my Bulimia and became wrapped up in my pregnancy and gave birth to my son. My husband had started drinking again during my pregnancy. After a while I fell into my Bulimia again. Let me tell you that I hated being Bulimic and every binge/purge was my last,but i always failed...I became depressed. I wanted to leave my husband,but I didn't. I understood the disease of Alcoholism and I knew the real him that was inside...
This past year has been really hard. My husband lost his dad in Jan. 2005. He fell deep into his disease. All the while I was hiding in my Bulimia. Then the pain started. I stared getting pins and needles in my hands and feet sometime all the way to my hips and elbows. Then the pins and needles turned into pure pain. I thought it could be from my Bulimia,so I stopped immediatly. I went to the Dr. and told everyone about my problem. All of my tests came back fine. It has been a year now and sometimes I can barely walk. I spent hundreds with Dr's. I have not relapsed in my Bulimia,but I have been overeating. Food has been my comfort. My crutch. I have never been overweight,but I now need to loose about 40lbs. to get to my normal average weight. It depresses me because I can't exercize with the pain I am in. I am angry and depressed because I am only 29 years old. It has been a year that I have been in this pain. Also through this year my husband lost his job. He didn't find another one for 7 months. We depleted our savings. Around Christmas I packed my bags and I was leaving. I couldn't watch him continue to not work and drink his life away. He decided to go to AA. He has not drank since,although he has only been to about 5 meetings since then. He got a job that he is working 13hrs a day and basically he just comes home,eats and goes to sleep. Then stupid me,after 6 years decided 2 weeks ago to steal a cigarette! So now I have been sneaking out back after everyone is asleep and smoking a few,every time beating myself up and saying it would be my last...It is like no matter what,I am looking for a vice. I just switch addictions. I have been known in the past to be a health freak too! I even went through a religious thing too. Always something!
So now I am here talking to you guys. I don't know where to go! I know I am a addict,but where do I belong? I know I need help,but where? That is why I came here because it covers all the bases. Should I go back to AA? Am I a Alcoholic? I went to a meeting a few months back and I felt so strange. I haven't drank years. I do know that this all stems back to my need to kill the pain in my life. Thank you so much for listening to my long,long story. I am so glad I found this place!

[CAPTAINZING2000]

Can I make a suggestion?

Copy and paste this and put it on the recovery stories!!

It might get buried and won't get read on this site here


chris

[CarolD]

Welcome to SR...

Why not take a look around...and post wherever you feel is of interest?

I use several different forums.

Hugs to you and your family

[miss communicat]

Dear Proud mama

We welcome you here. Stick around, read, share, read, share....eventually your Higher Power will direct you to the perfect place for recovery. Remain open.

Hugs and prayers to you and the family

[Sugasnaps]

Welcome Proud Mama

I can feel the confusion and "lostness" you are feeling from your post. Have you thought of finding a therapist? Print out what you just typed out and take it with you and use it as a blueprint for recovery. You have covered a lot of poignant recurring issues you deal with and it might help you sort things out. In the mean while, going to AA sure won't harm you, in my opinion, especially if you are dealing with alcohol issues. Also Al-anon would be a good place for you too as you ARE dealing with an alcoholic in your life as a family member. I agree with Miss Communicat - if you are open to receiving help then you will find it if you look for it.

Hang in there and so glad you are here,

Suga

[ProudMama]

Thank you all very much for the support! It felt so much better just to type that all out. Chris,I wasn't sure if I should post that on the recovery stories,since I thought it was for people to post stories who have been currently active in the program for the last year. Suga,I totally agree with you on seeing a therapist. Since my husband was out of work for a while we are playing catch up with bills,so we don't have the money. I am going to look into it though. There may be a community place that is cheaper. Thanks again for the welcome and the support!
~Elizabeth

[CAPTAINZING2000]

I went to AA for back problems. Everyone was on my back. Coming into AA, I thought it was the alcohol. Turns out it was the guy drinking the alcohol. We drink because we don't like who we are, where we are or the people and places around us.417 in the 4th printing of the Big Book we have to learn to accept our present state.

Sounds like you have a dry drunk syndrome. I stopped drinking but, I have to change who Iwas to be a healthy person

I'd go to a few meetings try several meetings open meetings and women only meetings.

[ahagain]

My husband and I were sober for 11 years and then thought I could drink successfully. I was actually the one who suggested to my husband that we were probably ok to drink. We never went to meetings so we were doing the dry drunk think. Like you, I was fairly young when I quit the first time. So when I started up again, I thought I might not really be sick because I was too young to have decided that. I had two children right about this time, and my husband started doing the get a job/lose a job thing. He started to become violent and I had to finally divorce him. Fast forward--I'm 41 years old TODAY, I'm single with two kids, and I'm starting sobriety again. You are 29, believe me when I say you don't want to be living in your current pattern for another 12 years!

[Linda C.]

HI Proud mama.. That was a very moving story..

No matter what program you may choose --- nearly all of them are a take of of AA.. (meaning Overeaters Anonymous ect) Not meaning other alcohol type programs.

You said you have been to AA but you never said anything about working the program. So many go to meetings and expect to get this thing by osmosis.. ( smile ).. The meetings are good - we need the fellowship but the program is outlined in the first 164 pages of the book are what we need to do if anything much is to change -- and a sponsor is most valuable.

You could go back and try it a whole new way. What have you got to loose?

Linda C.

[ProudMama]

Thank you all so much for your responses and motiviation! You are all so right. Actually Linda,I was very active in AA before I moved to Florida. I was a sponsor,chairperson,AA was my life. It was my entire social life for 6 years. Then when I moved here and the meetings were small,few and very cliquish. I tried to talk to people afterwards,maybe hang out and get a coffee or something,but nobody was into that. Everyone just packed up and left. I was depressed because I missed my home meetings and that is why I stopped going. I went to a meeting again last month and AA has grown here in the last few years! This area is growing quickly. This time I just felt embarrassed like I didn't belong. I felt like people were looking at me weird,like they were wondering why I was there if I hadn't drank in years and had no desire to drink either. I know,those things were probrobly all in my head. I do remember way back when,people sharing at several speaker meetings that they stopped going to AA,went for years without drinking,then they had a tragedy in their lives and they became a active alcoholic again. I do agree Chris,that this is dry drunk syndrome. I know that I am sober now for my children. If there was any horrible tragedy in my life I would go back to self medicating with alcohol and drugs. Food wouldn't cut it then. I know this in my heart. That is why I am going to go back to AA and get over my silly feelings that everyone thinks I am a weirdo and don't belong. I got a meeting list and it is huge now compared to the few meetings they had 7 years ago when I moved here. I am sure I will find some that I like! Thanks again everyone!
~Elizabeth
Oh and Happy Birthday ahagain!