I'm Lost - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Madonna Fan · 11-22-2005, 07:31 AM

I'm new to this forum. My name is Jennifer. I came here because I need to reach out to someone.
I started drinking when I was 13. I'm now 31.When I was 21 I was drunk and got into a car accident that landed me in the hospital for 10 days. I had a fractured vertabrae in my neck. I had to have surgery. There are countless other shameful things I've done, but that one sticks out in my mind the most.
I've done the AA thing, but it didn't to help. I feel like I'm just one of those people who can't be helped. In order for AA to work you have to want to stop drinking. Of course a part of me does, but I guess a bigger part of me doesn't. I've been drinking for 18 years and feel like I'm never going to be able to stop.
I have Social Anxiety Disorder and before I got on medication I used alcohol as my medicine to overcome my anxiety. I still do, because the medication I'm taking can't replace the powerful effect of alcohol. I'm not saying the pills are useless, but just aren't effective as alcohol.
I stopped drinking on my own for about a year. That was 2 years ago. I just had enough. I wish that I could feel that way again.
My problem is that I've started drinking during the day about once or twice a week. My husband is fed up and keeps saying that he can't live like this and wants to get a divorce if I don't stop. I swear to myself that I'll stop, but I don't. When I know that I can't drink it just makes me want to even more.
I don't know what to do anymore. If my husband leaves me I think I'll commit suicide.

BSPGirl · 11-22-2005, 08:06 AM

Welcome to SR, Madonna_Fan. I didn't find NA/AA too helpful either so I searched a bit further and looked at a thread somewhere on this board providing alternatives to 12 step programs and I checked out www.smartrecovery.org and I really like that site and their tools, but that's me. Sounds like you're going thru a rough time, be safe.

EscoBlak · 11-22-2005, 08:24 AM

you've got to ask yourself is it worth it? I dont know your background but its my opinion that you should prepare yourself for a COMPLETELY diffrent lifestyle. I know what it eels like when the more you tell yourself not to , the more you want to deep down. but you just have to make a consious effort to ignore those feelings. You have to be willing to put up a good fight , even if your fighting yourself. its hard when you cant trust yourself but God knows you. And im pretty sure YOU know YOU too. And your old enough to know right from wrong , black from white and yin from yang. Life isnt supposed to be fair. Life isnt supposed to be easy. Just be strong and hang in there. Never lose your faith. even if you dont believe in God , believe in the power of GOOD. Put yourself in a position to help others. I dont know you but I know you ARE capable of beating this. remember this: --No Excuses , Just Results--

Paulie · 11-22-2005, 08:41 AM

Hi and welcome to SR I am glad you found us.

You say you tried the AA thing and it didnt work, maybe it didnt work cause you were not ready. I can only share with you what works for me, and that is AA/NA and the 12 steps.

Others will share with you what works for them. I know that AA is not the only way to get sober and change your life.

I also know that nothing will work until you are READY to make that change.

We are here, and we want to help.

**51anna** · 11-22-2005, 09:03 AM

Welcome!

You're right, you have to be absolutely ready to stop drinking and really, really want it because it's hard. You need a lot of motivation to make it work because it's something you have to work on every day. I hope that you stop before things in your life get worse. There's lots of support here so why don't you join us.

Madonna Fan · 11-22-2005, 09:53 AM

Thank you all for your thoughts, support and encouragement. I intend on returning here often.
BSPgirl, Thanks for the link. I'll definitely look into it.

passedout · 11-22-2005, 10:10 AM

HI

Iam in similar position having only just joined here. I too have experienced the things you have gone through, the car crashes and the the thoughts.

I also have social phoabia/anxiety and this was the main cause of my drinking to start with. I just could not relax in groups without drinking, of course you then get drunk and regret it in the morning, next time you meet you drink faster to overcome the embarresment!

What is giving me strentgh is the thought of where all this will lead and what type of life I wish to live. Better to be shy than p*ss*d!!!!

Good luck. Think of the life you could have.

**CarolD** · 11-22-2005, 10:10 AM

Hi and Welcome!

I often wonder how the medical professionals get an accurate diagnoses when one is still drinking?

How did you feel the year you were sober?

My long term depression fled when I was sober 2/3 months and never returned.

I so hope you find your answers, Blessings...

Madonna Fan · 11-22-2005, 01:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by passedout

HI

Iam in similar position having only just joined here. I too have experienced the things you have gone through, the car crashes and the the thoughts.

I also have social phoabia/anxiety and this was the main cause of my drinking to start with. I just could not relax in groups without drinking, of course you then get drunk and regret it in the morning, next time you meet you drink faster to overcome the embarresment!

What is giving me strentgh is the thought of where all this will lead and what type of life I wish to live. Better to be shy than p*ss*d!!!!

Good luck. Think of the life you could have.

Thanks for your post

Madonna Fan · 11-22-2005, 01:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CarolD

Hi and Welcome!

I often wonder how the medical professionals get an accurate diagnoses when one is still drinking?

How did you feel the year you were sober?

My long term depression fled when I was sober 2/3 months and never returned.

I so hope you find your answers, Blessings...

When I was sober that year I felt ok. I think I substituted food for drinking and put on weight, which I don't want to happen again. That was before I got on medication. I don't really take the meds for depression. It's for my anxiety around people.
Right now I feel like I'll never drink again but I know that sooner or later, when I'm feeling better, I'll talk myself into beleiving it's ok to drink.

Paulie · 11-22-2005, 01:39 PM

If I may make a suggestion. Stop right there, dont tell yourself you will never drink again. I never say never to myself, that is just setting this addict up for failure. Just stay in the moment, stay in today, just for today I will not drink or use.

I wonder the same thing as Carol, when you go see a dr and you are in the middle of your disease how to they really know what is going on?

give yourself a gift for this holiday season, just for today, dont drink.

Clarissa74 · 11-22-2005, 01:58 PM

Madonna Fan - I just wanted you to know that I completely understand how you feel. I also am 31 and for me the drinking started at age 18 and from then on I loved it for many reasons. I am painfully shy and anxious in social situations and with alcohol it was as though I found a magical cure and could be "normal". Well of course it escalated until it was out of control and I was addicted. Anyways, just know you're not alone in this and many of us know EXACTLY how you feel! Stick around here and I'm sure you'll see that many will offer you tons of support.

nogard · 11-22-2005, 02:38 PM

Hi MF welcome to SR. Your in the right place, keep looking around and talking.

hopealwayz · 11-22-2005, 08:46 PM

Welcome to SR!!
Keep reaching out!

BubbaBob · 11-23-2005, 04:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Madonna Fan

In order for AA to work you have to want to stop drinking. Of course a part of me does, but I guess a bigger part of me doesn't.

That says it all. Not just for AA, but for ANY program you try to use to quit, NONE will work unless and until you want to quit drinking. REALLY want to quit.

BubbaBob

lulu70 · 11-23-2005, 05:22 AM

Hey there, MF--Welcome to SR. I wanted to add my support and encouragement and also echo other's advice to just take it one day at a time. All any of us has is today. No one knows what will happen tomorrow, where we will be, what will be happening--but we know what is going on right now, and for right now, I will not pick up that drink or drug. I'll deal with tomorrow when it comes.

Quitting drinking isn't too hard. Especially when you are having lots of negative consequences. Staying quit is much harder. For me, it was a matter of completely changing my lifestyle, finding a new way to cope. I haven't had too much trouble with anxiety, but I know many who have and for most, giving up alcohol all but eliminated any anxiety problems.

Try to give yourself a chance. You deserve a happy, healthy life....

Hugs--

11-22-2005, 07:31 AM	#1 (permalink)
Madonna Fan Member Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: New Jersey Posts: 5	I'm Lost I'm new to this forum. My name is Jennifer. I came here because I need to reach out to someone. I started drinking when I was 13. I'm now 31.When I was 21 I was drunk and got into a car accident that landed me in the hospital for 10 days. I had a fractured vertabrae in my neck. I had to have surgery. There are countless other shameful things I've done, but that one sticks out in my mind the most. I've done the AA thing, but it didn't to help. I feel like I'm just one of those people who can't be helped. In order for AA to work you have to want to stop drinking. Of course a part of me does, but I guess a bigger part of me doesn't. I've been drinking for 18 years and feel like I'm never going to be able to stop. I have Social Anxiety Disorder and before I got on medication I used alcohol as my medicine to overcome my anxiety. I still do, because the medication I'm taking can't replace the powerful effect of alcohol. I'm not saying the pills are useless, but just aren't effective as alcohol. I stopped drinking on my own for about a year. That was 2 years ago. I just had enough. I wish that I could feel that way again. My problem is that I've started drinking during the day about once or twice a week. My husband is fed up and keeps saying that he can't live like this and wants to get a divorce if I don't stop. I swear to myself that I'll stop, but I don't. When I know that I can't drink it just makes me want to even more. I don't know what to do anymore. If my husband leaves me I think I'll commit suicide.

11-22-2005, 08:41 AM	#4 (permalink)
Paulie It is what it is!!! Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Sobriety Posts: 5,525	Hi and welcome to SR I am glad you found us. You say you tried the AA thing and it didnt work, maybe it didnt work cause you were not ready. I can only share with you what works for me, and that is AA/NA and the 12 steps. Others will share with you what works for them. I know that AA is not the only way to get sober and change your life. I also know that nothing will work until you are READY to make that change. We are here, and we want to help. __________________ I know more about how to live than I did yesterday, but not as much as I'll know tomorrow. Today, Ill learn something new~JFT, 1/27/06 The difference between a good day and a bad day, is about 2 days~Ann of SR

11-22-2005, 09:03 AM	#5 (permalink)
51anna Forum Leader Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Dancing in the Light Posts: 11,165	Welcome! You're right, you have to be absolutely ready to stop drinking and really, really want it because it's hard. You need a lot of motivation to make it work because it's something you have to work on every day. I hope that you stop before things in your life get worse. There's lots of support here so why don't you join us. __________________ Anna "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Maya Angelou

11-22-2005, 09:53 AM	#6 (permalink)
Madonna Fan Member Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: New Jersey Posts: 5	Thank You Thank you all for your thoughts, support and encouragement. I intend on returning here often. BSPgirl, Thanks for the link. I'll definitely look into it.

11-22-2005, 10:10 AM	#8 (permalink)
CarolD Forum Leader Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Dallas, Ga. USA Posts: 15,403	Hi and Welcome! I often wonder how the medical professionals get an accurate diagnoses when one is still drinking? How did you feel the year you were sober? My long term depression fled when I was sober 2/3 months and never returned. I so hope you find your answers, Blessings... __________________ Each Day Sober Is A Victory!! Joy In AA Recovery!

11-22-2005, 08:06 AM	#2 (permalink)
BSPGirl Member Join Date: May 2005 Location: Nowhere Posts: 896	Welcome to SR, Madonna_Fan. I didn't find NA/AA too helpful either so I searched a bit further and looked at a thread somewhere on this board providing alternatives to 12 step programs and I checked out www.smartrecovery.org and I really like that site and their tools, but that's me. Sounds like you're going thru a rough time, be safe.

11-22-2005, 08:24 AM	#3 (permalink)
EscoBlak Member Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: TN Posts: 3	you've got to ask yourself is it worth it? I dont know your background but its my opinion that you should prepare yourself for a COMPLETELY diffrent lifestyle. I know what it eels like when the more you tell yourself not to , the more you want to deep down. but you just have to make a consious effort to ignore those feelings. You have to be willing to put up a good fight , even if your fighting yourself. its hard when you cant trust yourself but God knows you. And im pretty sure YOU know YOU too. And your old enough to know right from wrong , black from white and yin from yang. Life isnt supposed to be fair. Life isnt supposed to be easy. Just be strong and hang in there. Never lose your faith. even if you dont believe in God , believe in the power of GOOD. Put yourself in a position to help others. I dont know you but I know you ARE capable of beating this. remember this: --No Excuses , Just Results--

11-22-2005, 10:10 AM	#7 (permalink)
passedout Seeking Sobriety Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: leeds UK Posts: 1	HI Iam in similar position having only just joined here. I too have experienced the things you have gone through, the car crashes and the the thoughts. I also have social phoabia/anxiety and this was the main cause of my drinking to start with. I just could not relax in groups without drinking, of course you then get drunk and regret it in the morning, next time you meet you drink faster to overcome the embarresment! What is giving me strentgh is the thought of where all this will lead and what type of life I wish to live. Better to be shy than pssd!!!! Good luck. Think of the life you could have.

11-22-2005, 01:39 PM	#11 (permalink)
Paulie It is what it is!!! Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Sobriety Posts: 5,525	If I may make a suggestion. Stop right there, dont tell yourself you will never drink again. I never say never to myself, that is just setting this addict up for failure. Just stay in the moment, stay in today, just for today I will not drink or use. I wonder the same thing as Carol, when you go see a dr and you are in the middle of your disease how to they really know what is going on? give yourself a gift for this holiday season, just for today, dont drink. __________________ I know more about how to live than I did yesterday, but not as much as I'll know tomorrow. Today, Ill learn something new~JFT, 1/27/06 The difference between a good day and a bad day, is about 2 days~Ann of SR

11-22-2005, 01:58 PM	#12 (permalink)
Clarissa74 Member Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Orlando, FL Posts: 1	Madonna Fan - I just wanted you to know that I completely understand how you feel. I also am 31 and for me the drinking started at age 18 and from then on I loved it for many reasons. I am painfully shy and anxious in social situations and with alcohol it was as though I found a magical cure and could be "normal". Well of course it escalated until it was out of control and I was addicted. Anyways, just know you're not alone in this and many of us know EXACTLY how you feel! Stick around here and I'm sure you'll see that many will offer you tons of support.

11-22-2005, 02:38 PM	#13 (permalink)
nogard Connected at last Join Date: May 2005 Location: Melbourne Victoria Australia Posts: 11,631 Blog Entries: 3	Hi MF welcome to SR. Your in the right place, keep looking around and talking. __________________ ...And like a bird that's on the wing and is flying free He can hear the song of home endlessly

11-22-2005, 08:46 PM	#14 (permalink)
hopealwayz Member Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: somewhere Posts: 3,514	Welcome to SR!! Keep reaching out! __________________

11-23-2005, 05:22 AM	#16 (permalink)
lulu70 We all need each other. Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: The road of happy destiny. Posts: 2,223	Hey there, MF--Welcome to SR. I wanted to add my support and encouragement and also echo other's advice to just take it one day at a time. All any of us has is today. No one knows what will happen tomorrow, where we will be, what will be happening--but we know what is going on right now, and for right now, I will not pick up that drink or drug. I'll deal with tomorrow when it comes. Quitting drinking isn't too hard. Especially when you are having lots of negative consequences. Staying quit is much harder. For me, it was a matter of completely changing my lifestyle, finding a new way to cope. I haven't had too much trouble with anxiety, but I know many who have and for most, giving up alcohol all but eliminated any anxiety problems. Try to give yourself a chance. You deserve a happy, healthy life.... Hugs-- __________________ "You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.....do the thing you think you cannot do." ~Eleanor Roosevelt

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