I'm not going to make it like this

[still_me]

I don't know why i even come here to type it but here i am. I can't quit, i hate myself and starting to hate the people around me. I fight most days with thoughts of ending it all and may find myself later the same day enjoying something and then back to the struggle to not just end it. I feel like i need everyone right now but I hate them all at the same time. I am going thru so many moods through out one day i can't think straight. I go from crying, to an instant rage, to thinking it will all be ok, back to crying and on and on. I have these fits of rage over nothing. I've talked to my dr about the taper but have also found a way to get cheap Rx. I just can't think straight anymore. I come here i guess hoping something will help but you khow it just never does. I just don't know what to do. I'm afraid to quit but i'm afraid i'm making myself insane and i will die one way or another. I just want to go back to how it was. Please someone just tell me what to do to stop this.

[4health]

Hi. I think you keep coming back because you really want to quit. Yes you're afraid to quit and you know what? I think that is pretty normal. Are you afraid of changes? That might be the thing that you're afraid of the most.

Have you tried a rehab? It sounds like this would be of great benefit to you. they could help you with the mood swings and counseling.

In my personal experience, once I quit using and after the first week of sobriety, I lost all my depression and anxiety.

I wish you the best. I hope maybe someone else will come along with more advice for you.

[bikewench]

I could never make it on my own unsteady willpower...

I needed others like me to help me see what my using was doing... and I needed to see that others were going without and still living in spite of it...

rehab might be necessary...
and you might want to try meetings... NA...

if nothing else... stay close till you get your feet under you...
talk to us.. tell us what's on your mind..
it'll help.. for sure...

[Change4life]

Still me , you have described what I have been going through for a long time.
I am at a complete loss. Everyone recommends rehab, but I am not in the position to do that right now. I will lose what little I have left, and whether it is right or wrong I would rather be drinking than homeless in the middle of the winter. If you have the opportunity maybe you should try rehab. you should at least try to go to some type of meeting. They do seem to help. I hope you find a way to end your suffering. All I can say is keep comong back to SR, and don't give up.
Bfree

[nutz]

Go back to how it was. Now, that's funni.lmaf

When I first stopped using....that's all I could think about
was getting high.lol

1 one at a time....holy schmoly, what... are you insane???
mmm....half , or 1 hour, or 5 mins.
You can start your day over anytime you want.
What......you have casper looking over your shoulder or sum'im????

If you're serious about.lol
Throw or the pipes, lighters , dope and what not
You have on you away,now.
Hurry up.... before you change your mind.lmaf

Getting clean and sober aint going to kill ya
mmm...do drugs might thou. t...t...t.

Think for a minute.
If you feels like crap using and not using.
You might as will not use.....and get better.

[ARIES]

I think a lot of us 've been through the stage you're in now...(they're clean now and I'm almost sure you can do it too).. wish you all the sthrenght you need ...And hope to see you around...Love from Stefanie

[hopealwayz]

Don't give up on yourself and we won't give up on you either!

Check out an NA or AA meeting if you haven't already done so......there is so much hope.... it takes work but it can be yours if you do the work.

[still_me]

I wake up in the mornings and I can barely move most days. I wake up nauseas, every muscle in pain and even the joints in my fingers, elbows, knees are killing me. It doesn't go away til i use something. I went 2 days not to long ago and it was hell. On the third day I had a moment were I thought ok now I could use something and did. SICK. Rehad is not an option for me right now although i am not against. I have been in rehad before. Last time I went was a 6 month stay in a place that also allowed my children. That was about 10 yrs ago. I haven't thought of that place in a long time. I had been to so many treatment centers before that and I never stayed clean for long. This one was different. I think the difference was my children were with me and they did NOT coodle you there. Yes there was therapy and what not but basically it was, yes, you had it rough but get over it and take care of yourself and children. That's when I racked up more than 5 yrs clean/sober. Honestly I have been out so long again i can't even remeber right now how long I was clean but i know it was well over 5 years. Wow, just thinking about that place makes me wish I was there right now. I'm sick guys and most the times I feel like I'm not the one in control. I'm being led around by my sick mind and a body that just doesn't want to be sick. I am trying to hard not to use right now. The nausea comes in waves and is back, the pain and trembling are pretty constant though. I've been thru this before. Why can't i do it now?

[51anna]

Hi Still Me,

You've gotten lots of good advice, so I just want to add that I think you can do this. You need to take care of yourself. Is rehab not an option because of your children?
If so, maybe someone in your family could look after them while you were in rehab. You also said you've talked to your dr about tapering off. He is there to help you, if you let him.

I wish you well.

[Dan]

Originally Posted by still_me

I'm being led around by my sick mind and a body that just doesn't want to be sick.

There it is.
Might be the greatest definition of addiction I've read in a long, long time.
Where the spiritual loop of wellness, that maintains the balance between body and soul, is broken.

You say you've cleaned up before, so why can't you do it now?
Well, maybe the fact that you're not who you were then, and that addiction has progressed, as it always does.

You can get sober again.
But it has to be this time. You have to do something different this time.
Detox options are many. Are you in a circumstance where a medical detox could be an option?

[still_me]

I don't have insurance right now that will pay for any tx or detox. long ago I went to hooper detox. and then went back out. The last time I went to a 7 day in hospital detox and then straight to a 30 day adult program and from there went to the 6 month program with my children. I don't think there is any detox option except hooper at this point though. I am terrified of detox and even more terrified of going thru it and then coming back out on my own. Me alone with myself is proving to be pretty disasterous. but then i want to think that if i could just get a good week with nothing maybe i'd have a chance. All i know is i'm sitting here just feeling sick, in pain and now the "fever" and sweating. I'm just sick of it all. I'm going to try to go to bed for awhile cause i'm afraid to do anything else.

[nutz]

I relapsed after 11 years of being clean and sober.
I have just over a year.
My body ached more did ever before.

If you had five years, you have the tools, It just rusty
I went right back to the basics. It didn't happen over night.
There's a process. I learn to be paitent with myself.
I became an observer. It's something that I gain from doing
service work. I learnd how to get out of myself.

The 5 showers a day stage. will...you know CLEAN and sober .lol

Then I tried to Clean house. There was a process to that too.
Will... you know, I went home and cleaned my house the first
time I heard that. I didn't understand none of this spiritual stuff.lol
I looked in my closet and there was a bouch of junk in there
that I've carry around for years. It was a trip, I couldn't throw
any of that stuff out. I would look at it for hours but just couldn't
let go.....so nothing got thrown out at first.

Then I look at all the mess in my house, every room was a mess.
There was a process to that too. One room at a time...I figure.
Oki doki...hummm, one coner at a time.lol
I just moved one mess from one coner to the other at first.lmaf

Then there was the car.lol

But I got better...brick by brick

[amymarie]

Still_Me,

You come here for the same reasons I do... I want to be sober. I want to have what most of these people have. I am struggling with issues daily...just like everyone else. I cant stop drinking and drugging...but here's the difference...
since being on SR I have done MAJOR improvements...they may not seem that major to others, but to me they are grand. I used to sneak pills and sneak my drinking and then put myself into an almost comatose state of mind...now, if i pick up to use, I tell someone and that seems to take the power away from the DOC.... I also have not finished a beer in a long time...I threw out my painkillers without being 'told to' and I have stayed very close to this website. I have emptied over and over again, my problems on these threads until I have sufficiently been answered... And slowly but surely I am beginning to see that I dont HAVE to drink - I still WANT to, but I dont HAVE to...
the people here are so helpful to me... i take their advice to heart. I love them - each and every one of them- and i havent drank or drugged today because of that.
I hope you find the peace of mind you so deserve...
much love
amy

[phoenixn]

OK still_me, here are my questions and suggestions:

Since you mention Hooper Detox, are you living in Portland, OR. as I do? If so, I may be in a position to help more directly than via writing.

I generally try to avoid mentioning in this forum my article http://www.quietmindrecovery.org (scroll near the bottom of the page) on the subject of the mind-body connection with addiction, and the solution I found after being in a very similar state to the one you are in. I only mention it because you might find it useful in the long run.

However, regardless of the long-term solution, you need to take care of first things first. Please let me know if you are in Portland, and I'll see what I can do to help you with your immediate situation. There are other options than Hooper in this area that may not cost you any money.

I'll monitor this thread for a while to hear from you. There IS a solution. You CAN whip this thing. You WILL succeed!

[bikewench]

Hey STill...

I know your disease has got you beat down at the moment... feeling pretty hopeless in your battle against it....
I know what it feels like to keep trying... and trying...and to lose every time...
it gets so that the fear of even trying is to much.. cause I just couldnt' bear to fail yet again probably that very day...
lots of us have stood there panting.. shaking our heads... trying to make sense of our lives and what we do... and coming up with a blank... and no solutions either...

but...
I am here to tell you that there is ALWAYS a way out...

and sometimes it's just tiny changes that will bring about huge changes...

one change in your life is that you are now here on SR...
this is mainlining recovery for those who want it...

I know what it's like to feel hopeless...
but.. I've also experienced the life giving changes of recovery....

there is aways a way out...

just stay close with us ... share your journey to betterness... (for you already have one foot planted on the road... ;o)

12 step meetings saved my life Still...

praying for you.