Well...THIS IS RECOVERY???

[Michelle37]

I am out of the hospital now, after my husband sprung me last night at the urging of my sponser. When I got home, I im'd her and she was being really funny, giving me one word responses to everything. I'd say something, and all I'd get back was "k" over and over again. Finally she told me that she had decided that she was not able to spend more than 1/2 hour a day with me. I got upset, and just went to my room. So my husband got online with her, because he wanted to know what the hell had happened. She apparently told him that she was tired of being my "dumping ground". So Kurt said, "Fine. Don't worry about it then, I'll take care of her." And she was great with that.
So, basically, the way I read it, I'm bringing her down in her recovery and I'm a lot more trouble than I'm worth. My husband, who was stupid enough to marry me and stick by me, should be the only one that has to be subjected to my sick thinking.
Fine. Obviously, I'm not going to trouble her again with my problems. I feel very alone and unloved today. Thank God for my Kurt, who is still here...

I don't think that AA is going to work for me...I used to. BUT I'm not reaching out like that again. Apparently when I do that, I only bring people down.

Michelle.

[1_day@_a_time]

Michelle, Your old sponsor is just one person. What she does, or does not do, has nothing to do with others.

Most sponsors work the program like they were shown. We are all different.

Do you want to be like that? Does she have anything you want?

LOL, hopefully not. Then, it's really a blessing. Move on. Find someone new. Sounds like the best thing that could happen.

It has been my experience, I grow the most from the difficult times, not the easy times.

Go ahead, do it, reach out!

Oh, lol, and GLAD your are out and back!!!!!

Tom

[noplacetosail]

Your more important than you know, your husband is a testament to that !! Ther is a book called "you cant afford the luxury of a negative thought" you can probably pick it up used on amazon for 3-5 dollars. It's a great read. It taught me that negatives in our lives compound each other.

Good luck, keep your head up !!!!!!!!

[Paulie]

She is one person, say a prayer for her. And if you don't want to use AA then don't. but find some kind of support to help you.

Remember we are all human beings and we make mistakes, we do things that hurt others, what your sponsor did hurt you and I am sorry for that. But do not let it affect your sobriety, do not take what someone else did for their own reasons personal.

Remember - WHAT SOMEONE THINKS OF ME IS NONE OF MY BUSINESS!!!

One more thing...it is not AA that didn't work for you, it is that one person. But there are many other ways to stay sober other than AA. Just find what works for you....cause the most important thing is for you to stay sober.

[Millwallj]

talk to a friend. dont worry to much.

dont drink no matter what and you'll learn something.

[Millwallj]

not all sponsers are like that.

[Jhana]

Hi Michelle,

Sounds like you have a terrific husband! As for your sponsor, and AA: AA is made up of millions of people, very few of whom are professionals at helping others. Being a sponsor is a substantial undertaking that can be overwhelming, so it is a good thing to have many people to rely on and that is what going to lots of meetings are about.

When I first went to AA, I spent a fair amount of time being pi$$ed off that no one came over to talk to me. It didn't occur to me for the longest time that they had no way of knowing the deep trouble I was in unless I talked about it. You MUST be selfish about this and seek as much help as possible, wherever possible. I would suggest as many AA meetings as you can attend, letting people get to know you; in a short while you will have an amazing community of help, not just one or two people.

And there are other recovery groups. SMARTRecovery.org is one, and right here on SR is where I have gotten some of the most important support.

You are worth it,
Gianna

[Millwallj]

sos does not require sponsership either. people will help if you ask them.

[BigSis]

Hi Michelle, glad to hear you are home and doing better.

I would hate to be "responsible" for someone elses success or failure at recovery. Whether it was my sponsee or my spouse, thinking that I might responsible for someone using or dying or living would make me really insane.

My sponsor never TELLS me what to do... she suggests readings that might be helpful... she shares her own experience in a particular area and sometimes has suggested that I contact another member (who she has permission from) who may have specific experience that she can share with me... and she often shares about prayer and 'giving up' to her Higher Power and what it looks like in her life when she believes her HP is working. She is not available 24/7 and made that clear from the beginning. She will always answer my calls and emails - when she can. She works hard at keeping balance in HER life, which is a good example for me.

People fire sponsors and sponsors "fire" sponsees.... sometimes it is mutual. I don't believe it is a bad reflection on the 12-step program - the idea that you can 'outgrow' a sponsor sounds sort of "flexible" to me. If you are ready for a new sponsor, then now may be the time. I presume you can't get to many meetings - especially since you have been in the hospital, but perhaps you can increase the number of online meetings you attend and find another sponsor.

I wish you the best.

[Millwallj]

there are plenty of good, supportive, interesting people in AA.

With my sponser who hardly ever talked about recovery - more literature, politics, had a laugh, music. we became friends.

we done the steps together, but I cant ever remember him saying: get to a meeting, read the book etc.

also, chosing someone with not just "AA experience" but life experience. someone who can differenterate between the two. Someone who is wise because they are a human being is what I looked for. Other wise, for me, I might as well just read the big book.

[Millwallj]

Dont let this little upset put your off what you deserve; that being a happy and sober life.

[nocellphone]

Originally Posted by Michelle37

So, basically, the way I read it, I'm bringing her down in her recovery and I'm a lot more trouble than I'm worth.

OK... no. Whatever your sponsor's (ok, former sponsor's) reasons are for not being available to you, she does not represent the fellowship of AA. I was told that a sponsorship isn't a marriage and doesn't have to be a lifelong relationship. I'm sure there is someone in the rooms who can and will be available to you in your times of need, perhaps an entire supportive network of caring people. And you don't have the power to "bring down" anyone's recovery but your own...

Originally Posted by Michelle37

My husband, who was stupid enough to marry me and stick by me

Maybe he loves you and believes that the person he fell in love with is still in there, no matter what the addiction may try to prove to the contrary.

Originally Posted by Michelle37

I feel very alone and unloved today.

Remember that feelings aren't facts, Michelle. We're all here for you, as I suspect your Higher Power is, too.

Originally Posted by Michelle37

I don't think that AA is going to work for me...I used to. BUT I'm not reaching out like that again. Apparently when I do that, I only bring people down.

I truly hope that one negative experience with a member of AA will not turn you away from the rest of what the fellowship has to offer. Try to keep in mind that some are sicker than others. Maybe you simply ran into someone who fits that description...?

[Mandybabes]

I am sorry for your poor experience. We are here for you though, and you have your wonderful Kurt. Think about how much better you feel now. I am so happy for you, don't let this person derail you. Enjoy your sober life.

[Chy]

Honestly I think 1/2 hour a day is quite generous. I didn't spend every day with my sponosor never have as I couldn't see placing such a burden on an individual for being made to feel they were responsible for me. Sponsors are there to listen when yo need to vent or are hurting for a drink and help you through the steps.. I think anything more is unfair and we all know where expectations leads. Despite the experience it's not the program see if someone else would work...and keep in mind we're imperfect beings.

[CarolD]

Ditto Chy...

I spomsor using the free AA pamplet...
"Questions and Answers on Spomsorship"

I am a mentor for Step work...Period.

I suggest you use a support circle of friends to
share feelings with.
I found mine in AA.

[Jupiter2]

Hi Michelle37,

Don't let a bad experience with a sponsor sour you on AA. I think that the program can be very helpful as long as we take the bitter with the better and don't let one or two bad experiences obscure the overall good. I had a bad experience myself with my first sponsor and had to let him go. I am currently looking for a new one. I think it is pretty easy for us to expect too much from a sponsor and in the future I will be looking for help with the steps and not expecting anything other than that. I'll look to friends in the program for the rest of the support that I need.

Hang in there. It is tough, but oh so worth it.

Jup.

[Greenbug]

I dont get it, You did ask this person to be your sponsor right? So obviously you thought enough about her to ask right? How much time does she have. The only time I have ever heard anything like this is when the sponsee is not being honest with themselves. Now before you get heated, your thread is "Well ...THIS IS RECOVERY" Drinking is but a symtom, its our stinking thinking that needs to be checked.
AA has worked for millions of people, so say you think its not for you says something in itself.
I dont get this board at all, all warm and fuzzy. Life is not warm and fuzzy MOST of the time we choose to see things differently after we are humbled at something we have no control over. Personal opinion.
Michelle37, Remember the AA mantra Honesty, openmindedness (SP?), and willingness.
Sponsors can only "Suggest" thing that have worked for them, but when a suggestion is made and you dont take it. Something happens in that decision I as a sponsor can only say learn from that, and mose forward. But I will not spend time on explaining why it happened. Some people just are'nt ready to get clean, honest, willing etc..
Recovery has to be extremely appealing to want it as bad you would like to drink or drug. Sh*t happens move forward in the solution not the problem. AA sounds like just the place you need to be. Some days are better then others but dont give up 5 minutes before the miracle. Get another sponsor, if the same thing happens get another one. AA is there to help. Just dont drink and you wont get drunk.
10 out of 10 people die! don't take life so seriously. Tomorrow is another day!
OK, off my soap box now....
ciao4now
GB

[Jhana]

Well, lots of replies but no Michelle37. Are you OK? Maybe we are talking to ourselves here...

Michelle, let us know how you are doing,
Gianna

[Michelle37]

Michelle is doing fine. She had a long talk with someone with 24yrs sobriety, and that seems to have done well in screwing her head back on. Unfortunately, she is stuck talking in the third person at the moment.
But honestly, guys...yesterday was a stinky day. And thank God, because that's how I know today is a better day!
As far as AA goes...well...my old sponser wasn't AA in it's entiriety. She was a member of this group...there are others. Many others...and I have been fortunate enough to find one willing to help me in my recovery, that I am comfortable with. I was on la pity pot yesterday...today, I am grateful and tired.
So, I'm going to lay down for a nap and rest me bones now! I'll still be grateful when I wake up.

Thanks All!
Michelle.

[Jhana]

Way to go!! It is great to know you are doing better and keep posting here; many many people care,

Gianna

[liveweyerd]

Michelle,

Did you check out against medical advice??????

I don't think that is an appropriate call for a sponsor to make.

There is no substitute for professional care.
You are probably tired of me saying this.
I would rather you get the care that you need and be annoyed with me.
I had my own husband committed under the Baker Act against his will, because I love him very much and he needed it and was not in the position to act in his own best interest.
He isn't mad at me. He is glad I loved him enough to do that.
He had a bad reaction to prescribed medications and was harming himself.
And because I love him and plan to spend the rest of my life loving him, it was most important to me to see that he was protected and treated.

hugs,
live