I am addicted to painkillers

[exxcentrix]

I am a 33 year old mother of three. I am a nurse. My husband is in rehab right now. He will get out on tuesday. He went there about 6 weeks ago and only stayed 2 days. So our insurance will only pay for him to detox. 5-7 days. He told me before he left that if I was still using when he got back that I would have to leave our house. I just talked to him on the phone and told him that I have had some pills. My mom has stayed with me the past few days. On friday I had some what of a "comeapart" at work and she has been trying to see me through it. We are in so much debt right now. My husband was paying our utilities with credit cards and getting cash off of them for pills. I got my pills a different way which I wont go into, but i'm sure anyone can figure that out. I have the best job in the world. The best bosses, the best co-workers. My biggest fear is losing my job. I have always been somewhat of a depressed person, and right now I am just drowning in it. I'm not one to talk about my feelings at all, but now that I want to, I can't find anyone to talk to! Go figure! I just want my husband back and for things to get back to normal. If there can ever be another normal. We are going to file for bankruptcy. We had such big plans and now we have flushed them down the drain. I feel better already just typing this. I am the person who listens to everyone else's problems and fixes all the hurts. It's funny that I can hide my problems so well. My husband says I need to go to rehab, but I really really don't want to. I feel I can kick it myself.

The other day I had a teleconference with my husband and his conselor at rehab. She kept asking me what I was going to do about myself and I told her that I can handle myself and she would say to my husband "see, she isn't going to do anything" and that just really pissed me off. I started having an anxiety attack at work and my mother had to come and get me. I just told them at work I was really tired and getting sick, because my co-worker had been sick all week and I had to work for her doctor too. They didn't even offer me any help because they know that I am the one to count on to get the job done. I am going to take a few days or so off of work and try to sort things out. Thanks for letting me vent.
EX

[chixt]

Hi Mother of Three,

My name is Constance and I am also addicted to pain killers. I'm sure that I probably get mine the same way you do but I am not a nurse. I have five days clean today :8a: I have gone into detox three times and came out using as soon as I got out. The only way for me has been to go to AA and NA meeting to get clean. I don't know what you are taking exactly or how many a day, but if you would like to e-mail me back and tell me I might be able to help. This has been the hardest addictions I have ever had to kick. Not fun. I hated AA at first but now I love it. Don't worry about filing for bankrupcty either. It is not the end of the world. You will come through it. I did. So don't worry okay. You need to just worry about what is best for your kids and husband. I was clean for eight years before I went out on pain killers and those clean years were the best years of my life. You just need to get a program and go into detox depending on what and how many you are taking a day. I hope this helps some

[Dawn10]

Mother of 3,
I know your story, lived it, and suffered the consequences.
I am also a nurse, ( not practicing) and I know the fear and dread that goes along with this disease of addiction.
I can't post a lot right now as I have to leave for work. Please PM me and we can talk more. There is hope. I am proof of that. I have been clean for a little over 6 years. It takes work, and you have to want to get well.
Please PM me. I probably won't respond until late tonight as I have a meeting after work, but I care. :lumpy
Dawn

[51anna]

Hi EX,

Welcome! I'm an alcoholic but I do relate to the desparation you feel. I was on the verge of losing my family too but managed to stop drinking and put my life back together. You can do this. Just take small steps and take care of yourself.

Anna

[Chy]

Hi and welcome! Sounds like it's really all starting to unravel huh? Question is are you ready to quit? Do you really want to? I know how annoying it can be when people call us on our sh!t, as hubby did with you. But he's on the road to recovery, and it could be a great thing you doing it together if your ready. It's only going to get worse you know. As a nurse I know in our area they have great programs within the hospital to help those with substance abuse problems. I also know you'll eventually get caught on a UA if they do that to you all. Best to come clean before they find out, if your ready that is. It's tough, real tough, but going nowhere fast isn't easy either is it? *hugs*

[exxcentrix]

I very much so am ready to quit! I have spent all day cleaning. Although I have had 5 pills today, it's better than the 30 a day I have been taking. I feel somewhat better about things today. I have read alot of the posts on this board and finally feel like I will have people to talk to. I hope that my husband will find it as helpful as me. I look forward to having you all there for me as I want to be there for anyone who needs help and prayers.

Ex

[nodope]

Hey Ex, You've already got some good advice, and excellent support.

I'm not a nurse either, but work in a hospital. It is unbelievable the amount of people in trouble regarding painkiller's. Well, I guess you know that already. OR maybe not as many people are anonymous.

You can do this. No question about it. You surely know you have a problem. That's the start.

Wishing you everything good, and praying you will get the strength to do what you know has to be done. That's also great about your husband. All the more reason to want this.

[Emrom]

Hi I`m new here living in Zürich. I`M an alcoholic with 18 months sobriety. I was also addicted to opiate intravenous. It started with painkillers . I was in such crippling pain that I needed crutches at times. I had tears in my eyes just getting out of bed.I last took heroin on 10 may 1999. But because of pain I was prescribed painkiller 18 months ago which was I believe the wright decision at the time. (actually a blessing) the dosage remains the same . But I continue with counseling,AA and Na. I have bi-polar and post tram. stress. disorder.After a blood test on 19 okt we found out I had a massive free testosterone defficiency (pituatry globulin) I thank God that I didn`t give up.I need a testosterone injection every 21 days, I started to live again. I`m 42 y. man father of 19 y. son.We are treating it now and I`m pain free for the fist time since 1997, We are phasing out the prescribed pain killer but with great caution. I took the help which I needed (which sometimes takes great courage) and continue to make progress . thanks Emrom

[roxy1974]

Hi Exxcentrix,
I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone, I am also addicted to painkillers. I am a mother of 2 and have also hit rock bottom. I have been clean for about a month now and beleive me it has been the hardest thing I ever had to do. Giving birth to my 2 kids was like a walk in the park compared to getting off of these things. I had a botched surgury last year and have been in pain ever since. I went to so many doctors that could not give me any answers as to why I was in pain, so they kept on prescribing the painkillers. Each month it was a higher dose and before I knew it, I was running out of the roxycodone before it was time to get my script filled. I couldn't get out of bed without having a painkiller, so I got them from whom ever I could. I could not function without them. They did not get me high anymore, they just made me feel normal. I know that it seems like your whole world is falling apart right before your eyes and its never going to get better, but it will. You can do this! I tried to quit 3 times and never made it past the first week. That first week is complete hell, believe me, I know. This time, my doctor put me on suboxone. It is a miricale drug. It took away the painful withdrawls and the cravings. I am not sure if that is an option for you, but if you can, I would recommend it to anyone. It saved my life and my marriage!!! As for you bankrupcy, so what, it happens to the best of us. All you do is build from there. My husband is a mortgage broker and expert on credit ratings. These days bankrupcy is not a big deal. You can still get credit cards and loans and build your credit back up in about year. So don't even worry about that, you have a good job, so just worry about getting clean, you can do it!!!! I guanantee it that once you get clean, everything will fall into place. It will be hard, but is there anything in life worth having that is easy???? Good luck sweety!!!

[kelsh]

Hi,

I am not addicted to pain pills but am an alcoholic in recovery now for almost 20 years. I cannot take pain meds...was given morphine after back surgery due to osteoarthritis and quit breathing on them. I am lucky to be alive.

My husband has chronic pain from an old logging injury when he had to have a leg amputated...all the years of using a prothesis messed up his back and pelvis and then several years ago he had a bone infection in his stub and hip that went into his pelvis. He had to have part of his pelvis removed.

He just uses crutches to get around....he quit using the prothesis a while before he retired from his job. He was a Social Worker for DSHS for 24 years.

He is taking Oxycontin and I was so afraid he would get addicted and he did at first but now has leveled out. In the beginning he would fall apart waiting for his med to come from the mail order pharmacy with our medical insurance.

I learned I had to let him deal with it and just give him support. I was with him at one doctor's visit when he told his doc that he wouldn't be here if he hadn't got something to relieve some of his pain. He takes it three times a day and has been at the same level of mgs for a long time now.

I haven't had a problem with medications...take them as prescribed but I sure had a mess with my alcoholism. I would quit my antidepressants and anxiety meds so I could drink...thought I did better but of course we all know that wasn't so. I just had another problem besides depression to deal with.

I will be thinking of you....it is a very hard thing to do but when I decided to quit drinking I wanted to be sober worse than anything else in my life. I quit smoking almost 5 years ago and believe me that was really hard too.

Take Care,

kelsh