Help? Trusting someone with your problem and "control" issues?

[bruised ego]

Haven't been back in a while.....while I can't say I'm sober, I've been pretty good of late. Not drinking half as much as I used to and I'm trying to slowing cut down and replace this bad behavior with good ones (dieting, exercise, finding new job, etc..).

I told my dh a few months ago I knew I had started getting too dependent on wine as a pain killer (physical pain where rx pills doc gave me didn't help). I knew it was bad......so I admitted it to him. He said he noticed and he was glad I knew I had to take action on this. All's well.

On Wednesday night, I had a little too much and when he called me on the phone, he said he knew I had been drinking, as I was slurring a bit. I said, yes, I had, it was a bad day at work and it was a mistake for me to try to soften the night with wine. All's well I thought.

We went for dinner tonight, and I ordered a glass of wine. We're talking and having a pleasant time...until the waitress came over and asked if we needed anything else? He put his hand on my wine glass and looked at me and said, "no more".

I was about to ask the waitress for a glass of water w/lime and this floored me. Told him after she left that was a mistake. If I was going to have another, I would. He said, "he wouldn't let me". ?????

It hit me ......a lot of the reason I do drink is for control and I was looking at someone who thought they could control me or my actions.

Quite an ephiphany for me. Hit me like a ton of bricks. I should explain further....in the one hour we were having dinner, he told me that I was old enough to be a grandmother *you're no spring chicken, was out of shape and needed more exercise and that I wasn't an important enough player in my career to be asked to go to a business meeting by my executives who were planning the trip. ?????????

I think I have some real thinking to do. I feel so negative about myself and can't allow someone else to destroy any self-esteem I have.

First thing I did when I got home was to pour a glass of wine. I'm sure it's my anger spilling out. I'm sorry for that.

I need to really think about where to go from here in my personal life.

[hector]

(((bruisedego)))

He loves you lots. He's doing the best he can to help. He's trying to help you help yourself.

You need all the help you can get.

Running away is easy. It's time to take a stand.

You need AA. He needs Al-Anon. You both need each other. He cares about you or he would have left already.

You have enough self-esteem to post here. That's good. Build on that.

I've been sober in AA over 16 years.

Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.

[sickk&tired]

bruised-

I am keeping you in my thoughts :-). I know this is a rough time for you; it sounds like he is really trying to help (as far as the stopping you thing, i'm sure he didn't realize how awful it would make you feel. For me, hearing someone tell me i should "slow down", or "call it a night" would set off a wave of resentment, shame, etc etc). Take care of yourself, and do what you need to do to help yourself. Try an AA meeting, ask him to try an al-anon meeting. It couldn't hurt, right?

hugs to you,

bea

[bruised ego]

Thanks for giving me a new perspective on my anger. You are right of course, he was trying to help.......just the way he did it annoyed me.

On another note.......I made an reverse miracle last night. I took the full bottle of wine I had and dumped it. Then I filled it with water. LOL So I turned the wine into water.

It's back in my fridge as a reminder that I don't need to drink alcohol, but instead I will drink water, then go and exercise if I see that bottle. It's a visual reminder for me to stay healtlhy and off the wine.

Thanks again.

[LADYANGOLA]

Do You Realize How Lucky You Are Someone Cares...i Am Sick Of People Passing The Blame Onto The Other Person...no One...and I Mean No One Makes You Drink...it Is A Choice ...and You Should Be Glad He Cares My Ex...never Even Bothered To Bring It Up Years Passed By He Was In Denial..and I Was To Drunk To See Myself Or Care...how I Wish Just Once He Would Have Told Me To Stop...you Are Luckier Than You Know...and By The Way.. Why We Are Being Honest You Might Try Some Honesty Yourself...you Are A Drunk No Other Way To Put It That Means You Should Not Drink At All Never...that Party Is Over....stop Kidding Yourself"i Had 1 Drink W/dinner"..but Then Go Home Pick A Fight W/him Just So You Can Feel Ok...w/drinking More ..who Do You Think You Are Kidding..we All Have Been There Done That ..believe Me I Have Lied To Myself So Much In The Past..i Almost Started To Believe I Could Have That 1 Glass Of Wine....face It.. You Can Not..the Sooner You Realize That The Better..how Long Do You Think He Will Stay..???haven't You Got The Picture Yet..you Need To Stop Drinking Period....i Am Sorry If This Sounds Harsh...but It Is Time You Face Facts And Stop Living In That Fantasy..that You Are A Victum...you Aren't...and I Think Deep Down You Know It...i Will Keep You In My Prayers And I Hope This ...helps You Sit Down And Count Your Blessings...that Someone Loves You Enough To Say No To You....v

[Chy]

I'm glad you had him around that night to help you recognize your wake up call. Those closest to us most annoy us the most. But they to have their limits. So stick with the quitting and day by day you'll gain that self esteem back and see just how good it can get.

[Andy F]

Hi Bruised Ego

I was lucky I think. I had no one of any significance trying to stop me drinking.

One of my issues was/is authority. I hate being told what to do. So much so that many times in my life I haven't done things that would have been to my advantage because it also meant obliging someone else. So much so that I have often stubbornly refused to do things because it seems that I am doing it on orders from others and I have never even see that whatever it was would have been to my advantage. It is one cause of my procrastination.

I am not suggesting this will ring true for you. Only that's what it reminded me of in my own behaviour.

regards

Andy F

[greenmeadow]

Originally Posted by bruised ego

Haven't been back in a while.....while I can't say I'm sober, I've been pretty good of late. Not drinking half as much as I used to and I'm trying to slowing cut down and replace this bad behavior with good ones (dieting, exercise, finding new job, etc..).

I told my dh a few months ago I knew I had started getting too dependent on wine as a pain killer (physical pain where rx pills doc gave me didn't help). I knew it was bad......so I admitted it to him. He said he noticed and he was glad I knew I had to take action on this. All's well.

On Wednesday night, I had a little too much and when he called me on the phone, he said he knew I had been drinking, as I was slurring a bit. I said, yes, I had, it was a bad day at work and it was a mistake for me to try to soften the night with wine. All's well I thought.

We went for dinner tonight, and I ordered a glass of wine. We're talking and having a pleasant time...until the waitress came over and asked if we needed anything else? He put his hand on my wine glass and looked at me and said, "no more".

I was about to ask the waitress for a glass of water w/lime and this floored me. Told him after she left that was a mistake. If I was going to have another, I would. He said, "he wouldn't let me". ?????

It hit me ......a lot of the reason I do drink is for control and I was looking at someone who thought they could control me or my actions.

Quite an ephiphany for me. Hit me like a ton of bricks. I should explain further....in the one hour we were having dinner, he told me that I was old enough to be a grandmother *you're no spring chicken, was out of shape and needed more exercise and that I wasn't an important enough player in my career to be asked to go to a business meeting by my executives who were planning the trip. ?????????

I think I have some real thinking to do. I feel so negative about myself and can't allow someone else to destroy any self-esteem I have.

First thing I did when I got home was to pour a glass of wine. I'm sure it's my anger spilling out. I'm sorry for that.

I need to really think about where to go from here in my personal life.

Hey Bruised Ego,

I read your post with compassion and interest.

Seems there are two things going on here the way I see it.

One is knowing you drank to kill pain which meds did not help. (by the way that is wonderful that you have been taking the route of good diet, exercise and so on!)

Loved the fill the bottle with water and leave it in the fridge!

Second is I have to wonder why a dh during a one hr dinner would find it necessary to use words like "no spring chicken", (is he in shape by the way ?) and also the same age? plus comments about your importance at work etc......? of course that would make you feel more vulnerable at this early stage in your decision to better yourself and deal with the drinking.

My take is that no one else can be responsible for how much we drink or whether we drink and saying I wouldn't let you thus becomes quite superfluous. he may care a lot yes, but he can't control you only you can! and you seem to be on the right road here.

So I am sending you encouragement!!!!!

Ps..... I went out to go get some yummy healthy foods and a special dinner to make. Came home and found I wanted a glass of wine lol... had not bought any though. So while I chopped some veggies i thought of well why did I want one as I hadn't thought about it all day. Decided it was habit plus I like the look of wine in a crystal goblet. So what I did was get a glass out, fill it with yummy pomegranate juice (high in antioxidants etc and healthy!) and sipped that while I made dinner. And had the benefit of seeing that sparkle in the crystal lol.

Also as for the pain issue, have you thought of meditation, gentle tai chi or yoga or healing energy through qi gong? They can be very helpful!

Hugs,

Greenmeadow