bayliss

This morning I woke up sober...
I was really happy...
The last few days I thought to myself that I was going to wait at least 15 days to post anything about my sobriety. Say, YAY, Bayliss! 15 days! The longest that I would have ever gone...

I obviously didn't get there.

There were people around me...that said it was okay to drink. I never thought that this would happen to me. I thought I was stronger this time. Omg. How pathetic!
They kept saying "you're okay!" and I went into the bathroom...fought with myself back and forth, back and forth, back and forth....wtf was I doing? Fighting?? I cried...I didn't want to drink!

Ha, what a joke...

I was really wanting to get to day 15. That was going to be a big day. Tomorrow was going to be day 13.
I am so sad.


The fight that I had within myself was so intense...so back and forth. So much emotion.
There is a HUGE part of me saying not to come back here..because I was doing SO WELL and writing so many positive things and being positive myself! I WAS SO POSITIVE...

I scoff at myself now. :/

awuh1

Welcome back. Glad you decided to (re)join us. Still trying the old will power thing. I suggest you attempt another method. Only you can do it… but you can't do it alone. At least I could not.

holdfold

No need to beat yourself up ... it happens and has happened, it is in the past now .... live for today and it really is one day at a time. It took me many attempts to get this far, which is 10 weeks today ... the longest I have been sober since I was 18, I am now 45. I had many slips, but the real strength of this 'fellowship' is ..... no judgement. Remember it is you that got you that far and you can do it again... be well and let us know how you are getting on.

Dee74

I listened to people too...even when I knew they had no idea of what I was really going through.

You have to decide which side of the fence you're on bayliss - it's tough, I know, but in the end, we all have to make that choice. Don't waste 20 years umming and arring like I did...

You've done nothing none of us haven;t done...but it's time to take a stand, I think.
Some more sober friends and acquaintances might help?

D

Hevyn

Bayliss I did it dozens of times. I'm finally free, though. You will be too. Don't give up on yourself. You're not pathetic - you came back to talk about it. Let's try it again.

Zencat

Chronic relapsing is part of my history, yet every new day is an opportunity for change. Maybe it's time to change the people you hang with. I have lost interest in being around people that do not have my best interest in mind.

Learning how to detach from that tug of mind that an urge to use can is empowering. I hear it said that my problem is loss of power when it comes to drinking. Then the solution is to regain that power over my choices and not be a caught up in doing the things that are harmful to me.

Practicing new ways to live can take time, so please don't be to discouraged. Don't quit on recovery no matter what. You are worth a better life alcohol free.

Aha that it, alcohol free...freedom from the struggle...freedom to live a life beyond the influence of alcohol. It is in you, me and any one that cares to know that they can do it.

Sapling

Maybe it's time to try something different Bayliss...Hang around some sober people and see how they did it....I didn't have any luck doing this alone either.

Anna

Bayliss, one of the things I had to change in order to recover, was the people around me. The last thing I needed was people who would have told me it was okay to have a drink. It wasn't okay and I knew that. Be very careful who you have around you and be prepared to make some big changes in your life in order to recover.

Hang in there!

DisplacedGRITS

Remember not to wallow in self pity. It is a destructive state of mind and is no good to anyone. Day 15in is just another day. Take it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second. Even the minutest step forward is a step in the right direction. Concentrate on the road right in front of you, not the one way ahead.

Dispatches

I relapsed on the 5th of April, the day after I got out of rehab. I had 10 days clean, probably the most clean time I've had in 10 years. Now I have 23 days clean. When I relapsed I did not beat myself up, honestly I didn't really feel that bad about it. I obviously was not happy with myself but I recognized what happened. I had my drug of choice in my house, I fought like you did and I too lost. In early recovery I think its crucial for you to not be around alcohol right now, if that's possible. Having that temptation in front of you is just too much for us right now, we haven't developed the tools to handle those situations yet. I'd urge you to evaluate what situations you are putting yourself in, if drugs and alcohol aren't around you its 100 times easier not to use.

Good luck Bayliss! Forget the days, any day sober is a successful day.

Hollyanne

Don't feel ashamed.
You WILL get this.
Please stick with it.
All the advice above is spot on.
People, places, things.
Do you want this?
Got to make changes.
You are here.
That is good.
Many of us did the same.
Very best to you Bayliss.

Hollyanne

Remember, HALT.
Do not get Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired.:ghug3

Soberween

At least you came here and let everyone know what is going on. I'm sure lots of people would just go on a bender and then come here days later with their tail between their legs. Keep coming back. You can do this.

desertsong

Keep trying. The only real failure is in giving up. I know people in AA who tried for 10-20 years before they finally got it. You're only truly "done" when you're 6 feet under. And you're nowhere near that yet. You'll get it ... there are many of us here who were thought of as "lost causes." I was one of them. I'm still here and sober to boot. You can be too.

jberk65

Hi Bayliss, its like anything in life...peer pressure only gets you in trouble.
we had my "drinking buddy" and his wife over for dinner last night..but we told them from the start that I had stopped drinking and that we won't be serving any alcohol. They understood and we had the best night ever for once. No BS conversations clouded by booze. Like everyone has already posted ..time to evaluate your friends.

OCDDan

Sorry to hear you are feeling down, we all have slipped up, i went 5.5 months and slipped, learned from it, slipped again after 2 weeks and learned some more, you'll get it right, I'm glad your back, keep your head up

ReadyAndAble

Sorry to hear that, Bayliss. The good news is there's absolutely no reason you have to go through that again. Think of it: tomorrow can be your last Day 1 ever. Only two days matter to me: Day 1, and whatever day "now" happens to be passing through.

When I stopped viewing this as an internal struggle of me vs. myself, things got a lot easier. If I take a step back from an urge, and analyze it in a cool, objective light, it loses all sway. I don't get mad at it, I just acknowledge it. And I definitely don't debate it, because there's nothing to debate. There's no middle ground, no compromise, and no way I'm going to endure or inflict another day of active addiction. You don't have to, either, Bayliss. Hope you use this experience like a slingshot, and launch yourself out of it once and for all.

Chakaido

Its so huge that you decided to come back and post with honesty what happened. That's taking shame and hiding away and bringing it out from the shadows where it has less power over.

No judgement from me! We're all on our own personal journey. And step to learning more about ourselves, asking for help, and taking positive action is a step in the right direction. Its finding what will work for you. Yes, change of friends may help. Think of it as 'expanding your circle' of friends :-)

So its not like you have to 'start over' or the 13 days meant nothing. Understand what happened, refocus and get back on the horsey again. Its so key not to beat yourself up as negative motivation isn't effective.

Thanks for sharing! Stay connected.

Hevyn

Hoping you're feeling a bit more hopeful, Bayliss. Thinking of you today.

bayliss

Thank you everyone for taking the time to read my post and giving me advice.
I definitely didn't take this as an opportunity to continue "binging" even though there is still wine left here it doesn't bother me at all.
I am just relaxing today and making some tea.
Starting over again.

Thank you again everyone. It was really lovely reading all your responses, it is encouraging and gives me the strength to keep on keepin' on.

Hope everyone is doing well today.