Help for Spouse

[sandyr]

:yell: I am the wife of an alcoholic, who is currently in ICU from pancreatitis.
He has been in for 4 days and is now experiencing withdrawal. I have told the children, friends and family that he has food poisoning but they are starting to get suspicious. i don't know how much longer I can hide his problem and preserve his reputation in our small community. There is a twist to this problem. He is a physician and his patients are asking questions. I love him very much and want him to get well.

[booboo39]

I wish you good luck with this. My fiance was having a lot of problems and had to go to the emergency room frequently and I had to try and hide it from co-workers, family and friends. In the end it came out anyways. He was upset and embarrassed that others know, but they were able to help and support not only him, but myself. It turned out to be better for us.

[Lorelai]

Welcome to SR sandyr -

I'm sorry to hear about your husband. Please visit the Family & Friends forum. There are many great people there who can relate to what you are going through.

Please remember to take care of yourself through all of this. I think that being honest with your loved ones could help you a lot. Trying to live a lie (for whatever reason) can only add to the problems you are having. I don't know how old your children are but I think that they deserve to know the truth about their father. You may be surprised at how many people already know.
Hugs - L

[sandyr]

Thanks. I am so worried that his reputation will be forever scarred if this got out. He is a very proud man and cares greatly about what the community thinks of him, especially his patients and fellow colleagues. I know he needs to attend a support group, but how does he do this living in such a small community? Can he get better on his own? Has this ever successfully happened with anyone?

[Lorelai]

The only way your husband will ever be successful in recovery is if he wants it. Many alcoholics have to suffer severe consequences of their drinking in order to get to the point where they feel they have to stop.

If we continue to save our husbands from facing the consequences of their drinking, they may never get to that point.

Do you think you are also worried about your reputation? I just ask because I know that would be a factor for me in that situation.
L

[sandyr]

Hi L,
I never thought about my reputation until you brought it up. I guess I do care about me, too. I feel embarrassed and ashamed of his behavior not as much for me as much as for the children (ages 9 and 11). Also, his 85 and 87 year old parents live in our little town and before he retired, his father was a very important figure in the community. I guess I trying to save face for them, too. They don't even know that he is in the hospital (out of town) because his mother has a very bad heart. It might kill her if she knew. I am going crazy.

[Ann]

Ditto to what Lorelai said. He is sick and needs help. Anyone who cannot feel or show compassion for that, isn't worth worrying about. You might be surprised how many people already know or suspect, and it just isn't necessary to cover for him. Doesn't mean you have to give any kind of long explanation to anyone, but it does mean that you don't have to lie.

Hugs
Ann

[Lorelai]

sandy -
I always worried about everybody else's feelings and needs. Your children, your husband, his parents. You are going through a very hard time right now. The best thing you can do is to concentrate on you.

Coming here, going to Alanon, talking to people about what you are dealing with - those are all good things. Keeping everything bottled up and trying to control the situation is not going to help.

Keep posting and reading. There are a lot of people here who know how you feel and have a lot of experience and wisdom to share.
Hugs - L

[laurie6781]

Sandy:

Pancretitis is an infection in the pancreas. This can be caused by other than alcoholism.

Since your husband is a Doctor he is in contact with more infections than the average public.

It is not uncommon for non alcoholics to get bouts of pancreatitis.

Are you afraid to say what is really wrong because others in town already suspect he has a drinking problem????

If not sweetie, you cannot "cover up" for him. This will cause more resentments to build within you.

The others have given you great advice. Go to alanon, find a support system for you. You have to take care of you, or you will be of no use to your children.

As for your children, it is easy to explain that daddy has an infection in his pancreas. Just like sometimes we get an infection in our lungs.

My prayers are with you and your family.

[BubbaBob]

Sandy, you ask if anyone has gotten over "this" on their own...probably, but very rarely.

Just because your husband is a doctor does NOT mean he knows much of anything about alcoholism. At his request I am teaching my doctor about alcoholism...he said it was covered for about 5 minutes in med school.

As for shame and embarassment, while I am ashamed of my actions while active in my alcoholism, I am not ashamed of being an alcoholic...quite the contrary. Being alcoholic has given me the opportunity to tighten up some loose screws I have in my head...an opportunity I wouldn't have had if I had not been alcoholic.

We alcoholics are not bad people trying to be good, we are sick people trying to get better...nothing to be ashamed of there, any more than shame at pneumonia or cancer or diabetes.

Your husband needs help, but must want it himself, and for himself...not you, the kids, his parents, his patients, or anyone else. Alcoholics Anonymous is a great place to start. Given your location, I would also suggest the Ridgeview Institute in Smyrna, GA, a suburb of Atlanta. Their Impared Professional Program there is excellent. Ridgeview, along with AA and God, saved my life.

BubbaBob

[sandyr]

Thanks to all of you who have responded. I really appreciate your input.
I am truly hoping an outpatient support group will do the job vs. inpatient rehab.
There are several reasons why.....Financial devastation caused by shutting down his solo practice, malpractice insurance company's refusal to renew if they find out that he has "entered a treatment program for drug or alcohol abuse", and most importantly the disruption of the childrens' daily routine. He was hospitalized 3 times from 01/07/02 to 04/05/02 and our children suffered tremendously in school. It took a very long time to get them back on track. I will not put them through that again. They did not make these lifestyle choices and should not have to pay the price. Please tell me if I'm being reasonable here. Can anyone understand where the spouse of an alcoholic/drug abuser is coming from? Thanks again to all of you for your caring...S

[sandyr]

Laurie,

I am afraid of giving the diagnosis of pancreatitis because his office staff knows he drinks and his receptionist has a big mouth. She wouldn't think twice about stabbing him in the back by exposing him to the community and possibly the state medical board. I'm using "severe gastroenteritis with complications" as the reason why he is still in the hospital.

Making matters worse is the fact that the hospital staff found pills in his suitcase. They became suspicious when he was obsessed with trying to get into it. I did not know that he had stashed drugs in it and I told the nurse to tell him that I took it home. Right now it is locked up in the pharmacy at the hospital...He is prolonging his stay by being uncooperative with the nurses by refusing antibiotics and blood pressure medicine. He is not being reasonable right now and he is second guessing everything that is ordered.

I'm sorry for rambling...I'm just venting!! Thanks, S