off my chest,what is up with me.

[lost puppy]

Hello,
Not sure how to do this so here goes.
I got diagnosed about a year and a half ago with lifetime depression, looking back it started about age 12, also started doing drugs and drinking to medicate said problem.
so since then I have pretty well systematically hurt all those around me, have ruined a fifteen year career, am on the verge of loosing my wife and three kids.
As I seem to somehow not get the view of the exit of this cycle that i am stuck in, for me history repeates itself over and over again, going great, screw up, recover, improve,going great,screw up,and then recover,etc.etc.
But unfortunatly for me the people in my life that love and care about me don't get enough recover time or water under the bridge, so at this point my wife loves and hates me in the same breath.
at this point i am going to make another appointment with my shrink, start over again, but I cannot help thinking he veiws me as a lost cause,some self asteem huh?
Any help will be appreciated,
lost puppy.

[mountaingirl]

Welcome - I am lucky enough to be the first one to tell you that you are going to be so glad you came here. Just posting was a big thing - you must really want to get on with your life! Read around on different threads and soak up all the good stuff.

[lost puppy]

Thank you mountaingirl,
It is not so much a matter of want as it is need to.
Stop the ride! I want off!!

[mountaingirl]

So what got you here, specifically? Why now?

[1Marty]

Lostpupy, I also strugle with depression anxiety, self esteem issues and alcoholism. I know the cycle you describe. My therapist has recently reduced my sessions with him because he sees me progressing. But lately I have been going through some struggles, which have added to my depression. So I may have to call him this week and tell him what is going on. The thought did also cross my mind that my therapist might think I am just overreacting, or might think I am pathetic. But I have to realize that He is a professional who probably sees this all the time. So don't worry about being a lost cause. Yout not. If you get that feeling from your shrink, time to find somebody new. It doesn't matter if we try and fail again and again. We gain experience, knowledge and wisdom from that process. What matters is that we keep focused at geting up each day, stand up to life's challanges and do the best we can.

[lost puppy]

Well, tough question, here goes,
Two months ago I got drunk and stopped at a factory where i had done work for years with a previous company, use the bathroom and drop a card, seemed a good move,NO!!!,
The next day at work my wife told me she wanted a divorce by 10:00, at 2:30 I got fired from my dream job as the factory viewed this as a breach of their security,and unlawful solicitation.
As you can imagine i finally hit bottom, so I thought, unemployed for allmost two months now, doing side work to feed the fam., the first and only job that i found is about $11.00 cut in pay and is residential(15 yrs of Industrial) then they tell me I am going to be on call for about thirty days or more, this is a death sentance of sorts as you cannot make any plans, slave to the pager.
I would not do this for big pay let alone a cut in pay but a job is better than no job.
Let me back up, i stopped drinking as a stipulation to save my marrage, and was doing ok, until this week, not sure if its the job, foolish pride, or just plain stupidity but i got drunk and could not drive home not once but twice this week!
I think maybe I own stock in the bottom as I just foolishly throw my life away for just a few hours not having to think about my situation, next day fallout, here I am.
Wife wants out, understandably, I think she will stay if I can truly find a way to completely change my aproach to stress as the temporary exit is a cliff.

[lost puppy]

Thanks Marty,
True, True.

[Phinneas]

There is a place for us "hopless causes" and that is in a meeting with others who suffer from the same disease as we do. If you are really there, I urge you to seek out others like yourself for help. A meeting is a great first step. Please, reach out. Your marriage is worth it, and you are definately worth it.

jojo

[lost puppy]

I am trying, thank you jojoZ

[lulu70]

Yes--like Jojo said, get to some AA meetings. I could not have done this thing if it were not for the fellowship of AA and the program it offers. Give it a try. It sounds to me like you have nothing to lose!

Hugs--

[lost puppy]

thank you Lulu,
I am looking into AA, have tons O' questions,
I will keep looking for the answers.

[lonlion]

Hi Lost Puppy...I can understand how you are feeling. Please try not to be too hard on yourself. My family and friends had to learn to believe in me again, and that was something I had to show them with clean time only.
At this point that is all you can do as well. I think it is amazing that you are here sharing with us. I think it is a miracle no matter what kind of bottom brings us here, the fact that we are here is the miracle.
I know you don't see it now, but eventually you will see that all these things are the best things that could happen to you, as it brought you the sight you needed to see your situation and disease, and total lack of conrol it has over you/us.
It took me a while to stop kicking my a$$ for the jobs lost, relationships lost, lost respect from family and friends etc. I am grateful to have that all back now, plus an ever better job than I have ever had.
Trying to give you hope here because there is so much hope for you and all of us. So many of us here are living proof of that.

You were a lost puppy, but now you are found.
Welcome aboard
Diana

[1Marty]

Feel Free to Post away any questions that may come up. AA has been very helpfull to me. Also check out the Alcoholics Anonmymous Board.