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Our Teenager

Old 09-20-2004, 09:44 AM
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Our Teenager

Hi folks,

I just signed up to this board today. What a great place. I looked for a long time before I found it, and after reading alot of the posts I'm getting a better understanding of both sides of the coin. I admire you all very much for sharing and caring.

Anyway, my wife and I are looking for advice or pointers as to how to handle drug problems with my 16 year old daughter. Here's the story so far.....

For about the past year or two her behaviour has changed in to what I can only describe now as totally out of control. She has left the house several times over that period and two weeks ago was away for a full week. Her behaviour is swinging from what we know as our lovely daughter to that of screaming, door banging brat. Last time she came home we had purchased a home test-kit and she was caught off-guard and agreed to use it. It tests using a urine sample. The test revealed she has been using hash, heroin and ecstacy. Previously, she had admitted to using cocaine.

She walked out last night and did not return home again, knowing we three had a meeting with her addiction counsellor today to set some rules. We've told her (over the weekend) that if she leaves again we will not go looking for her, that it is her choice but that there are actions and consequences for those actions. (She currently has a boyfriend whose parents do not mind her staying, so we know she is off the streets!)

Any advice on how we should proceed, the best way to handle this? We love her dearly and we would really appreciate your comments.

Thanks much,
S.

P.S. We have also had her with paid and volunteer psychologists and with a psychiatrist, all to no avail. Her current addiction councellor is very good but now she has stopped responding there as well.
:Flush: :Flush: :Flush:
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Old 09-20-2004, 10:37 AM
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Hi Dad!
Huge hugs, I think it's extremly difficult in dealing with addiction and teenagers, very difficult, because most don't have the capacity to believe they need help. Your fighting an uphill battle if she's not willing, going to just be blunt. You can keep making her go to the addictions counselor which I think is your best bet. Set some firm ground rules, and don't let her rule the roost! She may leave for longer periods of time, she may runaway completly, but it's not about you, and don't blame yourself okay?

Her brain is slugged with chemicals distorting her thinking, she has absolutly NO clue, she's harming herself, she's having fun as she see's it. It's tough, real tough, and she won't get it until she's either more mature, or ready to seek help. I know it's not what you wanted to hear, but it's pretty much the truth. I was her once.

You however can go to an Alanon or Naranon meeting to get some coping skills, visit our forums here on those topics.

I will pray for her and you and your family
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Old 09-20-2004, 10:39 AM
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Red face

Hello IrishDad--Welcome to SR. The sad, unfortunate thing is that there is little to nothing you can do to help your daughter until she wants to help herself. Not going after her when she runs away is a start. Setting boundaries with her is a good way to protect yourselves as well. You might try posting on the Friends and Family and Nar-anon boards and think about attending some Nar-anon or Al-anon meetings yourselves. You and your daughter are in my prayers.

Hugs--
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Old 09-20-2004, 10:50 AM
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Hey Irish Dad
I was your daughter once, but my drug of choice was alcohol. How I wish my parents cared enough to seek help for me, or to assure me of their love for me, no matter
what. You and your wife sound like loving and terrific parents. I echo the advice
given above. Do your best to get her to the addictions counsellor, but she may not
believe she needs help, and until she decides this, there's not much you can do.
Al Anon or Nar Anon will very likely be able to provide the support that you need.
God Bless all the best to you and your family.
Rowan
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Old 09-20-2004, 12:38 PM
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Irish Dad,

My prayers go out to you. I agree with what the others have said. It's very sad that there is nothing you can do for her until she is ready. If she sees the addiction counselor, the seed will at least be planted. When she decides she wants help, she'll know where she can go. Please visit the al anon and nar anon forums here. May God be with your family.

Sherry
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Old 09-20-2004, 01:19 PM
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Hey,

I'm no angel in this. I have been the cause of conflict, for whatever reason!!!!!

What we get from the replies, and thanks to chy, lulu, rowan and sherbear, is that what we wanted was some perspective. We had lost that, or forgotten about it, or not considered it, or ....!

We've thought about what you have said and agree it's not our fault, we learned that some time ago, but maybe instead of saying "Don't come back till you're clean", we should welcome her back to clean herself up, get some food, whatever but not let her "come to stay" until she knocks on the door and asks for help!

How do we deal with her coming to the door when she has nowhere to stay though?
How do we deal with her coming to the door when she wants somewhere and will tell us anything?

Sometimes I can be too overbearing, talk without thinking, maybe frighten her away!
Maybe her mother would be much better suited to dealing with this!

Sorry for all this mumbo-jumbo, but what comes into my mind comes out of my mouth sometimes! (even when posting a reply)

Cheers,
S.
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Old 09-20-2004, 01:22 PM
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Hugs to all!
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Old 09-20-2004, 02:16 PM
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Originally Posted by IrishDad
Hey,
How do we deal with her coming to the door when she has nowhere to stay though?
How do we deal with her coming to the door when she wants somewhere and will tell us anything

Cheers,
S.
It's called tough love Irish Dad, it's called letting her hit her bottom, the sooner she does it, the more time away, the more suffering she goes through, the relization her lies don't work will get her closer to surrendering. You have to be willing to accept it's not going to be easy, it will probably break your heart, many times over, but enabling her is the worst thing you can do for her.
Hugs!
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Old 09-20-2004, 06:34 PM
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Hi Irish Dad,
Welcome to Sober Recovery.
I am the mother of 2 addict sons. One is 31, the other 26. The youngest is currently in court ordered rehab.
Mr. Moose and I tried, in the past, counselors, therapists, juvenile court, judges, police, hospitalizations, medications, you name it, we've tried it all. I gave it my best shot, anyway.
Unfortunately, it took ME a long time to realize that I was powerless.
That I could NOT fix my sons.

Now, I have the number of a rehab next to the phone, also an address of a shelter, and the salvation army number. IF my oldest should call asking for help, it is there.

The one thing I would do if I were in your shoes, is to create a united front. As her parents, you should be on the same page, and have the same plan, and the same boundaries.
And I would also encourage her to continue with her counselor, or therapist if she is open to that idea.

It's tough, my heart aches for you.
Please post and keep us up to date.
Alot of parents are also on the naranon forum.

Hugs and prayers coming your way.....

P.S. PLEASE remember, it was nothing you did as parents to have your child use drugs.
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Old 09-21-2004, 01:25 PM
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Hi all,

We purposley took some time out to make a reply here. We have digested what's been said and have had time to consider it all. Firstly, let me say that apart from any pain we have gone through or will go through, we realize what pain you all must be feeling when you have to print what you feel and the pain you must have gone through yourselves, whatever side you're on.

You are all remarkable , and individual, and we can only express gratitude and appreciation for what we have learned from reading your posts, reading between the lines, and being able to come to our own conclusions.

For us, the story so far....

We have a teenager with serious problems and searched the internet until we found a site that had the bottom-line support we needed.
While there we read many posts, from those with their own problems and from those trying to deal with other peoples problems. We placed a post and got many replies, none of them telling what to do, all of them offering a different perspective.
We never knew there was such a place as this.
Since posting here we have:
got more honest perspective on both sides
know that when you are dealing with "the beast", the love is still in there
have learned the emphisis is not on blame but on the ultimate goal
have been able to decide on a strategy that suits us, going forward.
I thought I was not judgemental, now I know what judgemental means
We can love her now, without the "blame" element
we are more considerate of eachother, (touchy, feely, makes me smile, though!)
we look for ways to do something like this ourselves (you're a wonderful community, maybe we could do this over here!)
we looked in our bathroom! It's full of things belonging to my wife, my son,
and me. Our daughter is in her haze, her mark is not felt in our family really, (reality bites)!

We hope we have'nt wasted you're time by telling what we got from you're ramblings, you're truthful exchanges, you're down to earth replies, and you're obvious consideration for other people. We got something from this, and God bless every one of you.

"Hugs" and "Thanks" are way under-rated.

So, "Thanks", you!
S.

PS. Can't help a bit of "Irish" humour!

Two Irishmen wake up in bed together. "Well that was one great wife-swapping party, was'nt it?"! one says to the other.
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Old 09-21-2004, 02:49 PM
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You keep coming back, we all do what we know will be best given our situation. Hope to see you often, and I'll be praying she finds her way "home".
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Old 10-21-2004, 01:56 PM
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The only thing I can suggest is that you and your wife try to take care of yourselves. As the first step says you are powerless over what your daughter is doing. I had the same daughter a few years ago. Alanon has helped me immensely and has taught me how to live amid the craziness. I can say now that my daughter is clean, sober, drugfree, in recovery and has given me two beautiful grandchildren. However, my husband and I went through hell with this child and my life has been saved/spared/blessed by alanon. It's a great program and you fit the criteria for membership. Hope you give it a try. Good luck.
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Old 10-21-2004, 02:14 PM
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"Her behaviour is swinging from what we know as our lovely daughter to that of screaming, door banging brat."

This is the crux of addiction. If there is one thing I have learned it's that addiction is almost like a split-personality syndrome. I know for myself there are two struggling people in me. The loving son, brother, uncle and then there is the selfish insane addicted part of me that tries to manifest itself by using mood-altering chemicals. It is only through NA and AA that I have been able to arrest the addicted personality and finally bring back my true personality. I think thats why so many addicts wonder what the heck happened after they become sober. They wonder to themselves how many people they hurt over the years and just what the hell they did, because they were not in control of their bodies.

IrishDad I was just like your daughter once and my parents ignored the problem rather than helping me. I don't hold this against them, but they failed to act when it would have been responsible to do so. They knew I was starting to slip, they caught me selling drugs, they saw me come in at all hours of the night higher than god himself, but they just distanced themselves rather than confronting me. They thought that I would come to my senses one day, and that never happened. It never happened because an addict has to hit rock bottom to come to their senses. Nothing short of an overdose or jail is enough to bring a teenager to rock bottom. But as a young adult I have rapidly hit rock bottom and hit it hard.

Chris
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Old 10-21-2004, 04:19 PM
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((((((((((Irish Dad and Mom))))))))))))

I wish that I could give you some great words of advice. I cannot. I am Ang, a 38 year old alcoholic that had wonderful parents. We don't set out to become alcoholics and addicts. We are not trying to hurt our parents. There is not much more that I can say, except that I FEEL the love and the pain in your posts and that I WILL remember you and your wife and your daughter in my prayers.

Love to you and yours,

Ang :rose :rose :rose
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Old 10-22-2004, 08:16 PM
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Unhappy Not easy

Well, this is my first time posting here. I have been where you are with all 3 of my kids. It is very hard, because at 16, your daughter is still a child. When you keep them out of the house at that age, there is terrible conflict in you (there was for me). I had guilt, helplessness, terrible fear. You feel like a failure as a parent. This is your flesh and blood, not some obnoxious drunk lover or spouse, and all her life you have been responsible for her well being. It really is horrible, I well know. Your efforts with her counselor are the right thing to do, because even if your efforts fail, she will know deep inside that you give a damn and are trying to help. This love means something; it is powerful. Try not to show anger; it gives her an excuse to use drugs. Be as calm and firm as possible; just reiterate your rules: for instance: "You can come and live at home if you agree to go to meetings (or the counselor) 3 times a week, and remain free from drug use. If you can't stop the drugs, you agree to go to a rehabilitation program (or whatever) If you are not willing to stay clean, you can't live here, it is too painful for your mother and myself. But remember, the door will always be open if you can agree to these rules." Something like that. Too bad there's no way to lock her up until she comes to her senses! I'll tell you what, I have thought many times that if I would have known the pain of having addicted children, I probably never would have had children. The good news is, while there's life, there's hope of recovery. I have 3 kids; at least 1 of them has a great recovery for 2 years now. The other 2 keep trying and haven't yet got it right, but keep coming around to it to try again. We, as parents, have to try very hard to allow ourselves happiness, and not to blame ourselves. It's hard but possible. With love,
P.
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