Cody11

Hi. I have been in a relationship with a heroin addict for two years. I myself don't use. I didn't realise the extent of the problem at first but soon realised that it's not just heroin, it's also crack, Valium and I think pretty much anything he can get. About 4 weeks ago he just cut me dead. Two weeks ago a new number comes up on my screen which I didn't answer in time. I eventually called it back as I had a suspicion it was him, which it was. I had hidden my number and didn't speak but this week I texted asking why he'd phoned and he replied saying he was sorry, he's just plodding on and it was a mistake.

We have gone through this not talking, talking, not talking for two years. I'm not understanding why he'd stop talking but then phone - letting me have his new number - then say it was a mistake. Can anyone please help me? Thank you - I'm really struggling.

tekink

I never shot heroin but I was addicted to opiates. It's really hard to ever trust a junkie. We'll tell you anything.

Two years is not a long time in the case of a relationship, it's right about the time where you start to see if you actually fit with that person or not.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Cody!!

Unfortunately only an addict can make the decision to make the necessary changes in their life, they need to have a certain commitment to turning things around and put the work in to make it happen.

Does he have any willingness to turn things around? Looking in on someone else's addiction can be a very lonely and frustrating place, and at some point you have to make a decision about what you want and deserve to have in life, as it's not all about him, you also have a choice about the life you want.

You'll find loads of support and advice here on SR, great to have you here!!

least

I think you deserve a partner better than this. What are you getting out of this relationship? I'd let him sink or swim on his own. You don't need the drama and the distrust.

AnvilheadII

it's not just heroin, it's also crack, Valium and I think pretty much anything he can get.

anyone on that mix of drugs is not in their right mind. so trying to figure out why they do what they do is an exercise in futility. and trying to have a "relationship" with an active addict is the same.

asixstringnut

I think he was on a fishing expedition to see if he could hook you back into his problems.
Do you deserve better than having an addict in your life that walks out the door on you for 2 weeks without a word?
Only you can answer that question.

Best of luck to you....

Cody11

Hi,

Thank you all so much for your replies.

He constantly stops speaking and I'm always the one to go running after him and this is the very first time I didn't. I think he was punishing me for not giving him the money to get heroin so he was ok to have his daughters for tea. He knows I get (or at least used to) very upset when he stopped speaking. I think when he didn't hear from me for two weeks, he's realised he's gone too far this time so came crawling back but I've managed not to reply to his text and I've not done my usual of texting him to see if he's ok. Being on here is really helping me, although I think I might be on the wrong section! However, thank you for taking the time to reply to me.

D122y

Cody,

Imo...Until he decides to get clean, you are dealing w a crazy person.

We all have issues. When we are clean, we can deal w issues normally.

While in the depths of addiction we are not sane. We are in a fantasy world.

Folks that care about us are brought along for the ride. We care, but not as much as getting high.

It is sad.

Until he gets clean...stay away. If he gets clean he always have the potential of relapse.

I'm 2 years clean and i still crave a bit. But, i am a stubborn person and i now know better. Mywife is a compassionate girl which partly kept her w me. I also bring home good money and pay many bills so this likely contributed to her view of the addicted me.

Based on the feeling i get from your post...move on. Meet someone new...and clean.

Don't look back.

Purplrks3647

I got tired of the whole "catch and release" crap too.....it's a game to some people....sounds like he's just dragging you down..... take this opportunity to focus on you!!!

surferdoc

I'm an addict/alcoholic in recovery, and also a doctor and psychotherapist. I would suggest a little tough love, and you make his sobriety a condition. Having barriers to allowing someone to wreck our life is a smart thing, but not easy. When someone is in active addiction, they are very sick and can make us sick as well. I'm talking mentally and socially. Addicts are not bad ppl, they are good ppl driven to behaviors that are highly typical of the addiction. They are expert liars and users of ppl when they are using and trying to support their habit. There are many among us who have proven we can beat it. Anyone can, regardless of their life situation. Best of luck!

Cody11

Hi. Sorry - I've not checked my post for ages. I thought I wouldn't get any more replies.

I'll just give a quick update. The last time I had any contact was 29th June. I texted him just to ask what was going on with the ignoring then phoning etc. His response was "listen it's over yeah." I replied that I knew it was but couldn't believe there was no remorse or guilt over the things he'd done. I also said I was writing to his parents, although I haven't. His reply was "please don't contact me again or I'll speak to the police, leave me alone." He then texted "bye" so I replied "bye" then I get another text saying "no contact, I mean it."

I got a message last year out the blue saying don't contact me again, which I hadn't been doing. He then texted me 5 days later asking how I was and when we began speaking again, he said he hadn't meant no contact and wondered why I hadn't been in touch. Crazy.

I did have about a week and a half of no Caller ID calls about 4 weeks ago. I never answered so who knows if it was him. I've not tried contacting him but it really does get to me that he turned so nasty when I've only ever been there for him.

Thanks again for your replies.

Berrybean

Does it matter WHY he did it?

You don't need to concern yourself with what he's thinking or what his motivation is. He's bad news and you know it. Please don't give him any head space. The fact is, you deserve better. Why not just accept his 'mistake' and delete, delete, delete.

Are you getting any support for codependency?

BB

Berrybean

Sorry - cross posted x

Cody11

Hi BB,

Thanks for replying. I know I shouldn't give him any head space and I know he's bad news but with all that's happened it just really bothers me that he did what he did.

It's only being on here that I've learned about enabling and co-dependency. I very much have my own issues that I have to deal with but here (Scotland) isn't the same as America/Canada with the help available but I have asked my doctor to refer me for counselling as this is taking up too much of my life.

I think I'm maybe still in denial about drug addiction too. In all the time I've spent with him he's seemed 'normal' to me. We could have proper conversations etc. I'm confusing myself because I really don't know what I'm trying to say here. I do know however, that in the 9 months since he left here and went back to his own town, I could see him getting worse.

I just couldn't understand why he turned so nasty. Thanks again.

AnvilheadII

and you will probably never know, Cody. this is part of learning to DETACH and fully separate from the other person. no longer thinking we can climb in their heads and know their thoughts. we can't. his motives, however messed up, are his.

deal with what's real.

Cody11

Thanks Anvilhead,

I'm just finding this all very difficult and hard to deal with.

Berrybean

Don't know how close you are to Glasgow or Edinburgh but both those cities have regular CoDa meetings. The CoDa handbook was very helpful to me, but I can't get to regular meetings. As I do my 12-step work with my AA sponsor I keep an awareness of those issues in mind and work on it that way as they're bothe 12-step recovery programs and help figure these issues out.

BB

AnvilheadII

i get that, but keep your eye on the prize.....you might still be in the ocean, but you have a life jacket on AND you can see shore. so just keeping going that way! kick 2-3-4, rest 2-3-4.....

block him, if you haven't done so already. delete his contact info - everywhere. that includes cousins, parents and his 3rd grade teacher. be glad all this nonsense is now behind you.

WHEW!

Cody11

BB,

Thanks for that. It's always Glasgow/Edinburgh that have the resources. I'm 50/60 miles away but I will get help/support somehow.

Anvilhead- thank you, you've made me smile. He's blocked, and that's why I never answered the No ID calls - just in case.

I know what it is he's done - he's made me feel worthless, but I'll get through it. Somehow.

Thank you guys.

Berrybean

You know - you could choose not to base your feelings on his actions.

Are you going to decide you're worthless every time an idiot addict behaves like an idiot addict? You know - he's just doing what HEdoes. He's doing that regardless of you, because that's HIS behavior. Not because of you, and your inherent worth.

You may not be able to get to CoDa meetings but there are other options. AA would help work through a lot of this stuff as we go through the same steps, and also look at how we tend to react to various situations and look at our own part in things and think how we can change so that we can deal more effectively with life and relationships. It's all part of the recovery process, but we have to be willing to engage with it if we don't want these things to drive us insane

Plus that CoDa handbook is available to anyone to read - that gives a good start in recognising our behaviours and nipping them in the bud.

Thing can get better, and will do given time. Just hang in there.

BB