I'm having a hard time.

[Galatea]

I'm having a really hard time lately. About a year ago, I started using very heavily- I don't think I even progressed into using heavily, that was just the way I started off. Eventually it got to the point that I was doing about a gram every day or two. My using only lasted for around 6 months, but, as you see it was a pretty bad habit. At the beginning of the summer, I entered an IOP group for recovering addicts, and was enrolled for about a month and a half. While I was enrolled, I also attended NA meetings. After I finished my IOP program, though, I was working full time and didn't have much free time, so I stopped going to meetings. I still read my books every once in awhile, though, and held my coin while saying the serenity prayer whenever I felt the urge to start using again. I was clean for 5 months. About two weeks ago, though, I broke my clean time and used for an entire weekend. It wasn't a lot- maybe 2 lines each day- but it still ruined my clean time, nonetheless. I decided that it wasn't worth it, and that I was going to quit again. But tonight (or rather last night, Tuesday night) I don't know what I was thinking, but for some reason I didn't think twice when I picked up that rolled dollar bill and bent my head down to the table. I did about half a gram tonight, and upon returning home, I feel utterly guilty and terrible. In my IOP group, they always told us that rehabilitation won't neccessarily make you stop using, but it will make you not be able to enjoy it so much anymore. Maybe it's somewhat true- because although I didn't feel bad when I was using tonight, coming back home and sitting here alone and having to face myself doesn't make me happy at all. I really do want to stop. I know how bad it is for me, and I know that even if I think I can control it now- I won't be able to in the long run. It's that little demon sitting on my shoulder, whispering into my ear- vice. I want to stop, I do. I just am having such a hard time right now, and I need some support. I'd really appreciate someone that I could talk to.

[cj.]

((( Galatea )))

If nothing else, NA and a taste of recovery will ruin your using!!

Don't worry too much about having a relapse. Just get back to your recovery meetings where you will find the people who understand and want to help you.

Peace to you today,
cj

[quercusalba]

Galatea -

Funny how a desire to stop using and a taste of recovery make using such a mieserable, guilt-ridden, un-fun experience, huh? The "joy" (and I use quotes because using doesn't give you *real* joy ) of using is gone, or much reduced. I'm beginning to think that once you've acknowledged that you have a problem and want to quit, you lose your capacity to enjoy using anymore. It's interesting, in a way. I've just begun my recovery and have relapsed for a day twice now in the past month and my guilt and discomfort far exceed what they would have in the "old days." Whatever I got out of it before - namely good feelings and escape from reality - is now tainted with such incredible feelings of self-disgust and disappointment. In a way, it becomes easier not to use if I want to have any good feelings at all. Negative reinforcement, I guess.

Anyhow, I'm rambling, thinking out loud. I think you've reached the point where you really are ready to stop; your desire to stop and the bad feelings you have from using have begun to outweigh the benefits you used to get from using. Does that make sense? It's a good thing, and I commend you for it. I also wish you strength and peace... and I think it's a very good idea to try to get back to meetings. We cannot do this alone.

Take care of yourself, and work towards recovery one moment at a time. So many of us are right there with you.

[Sherry Lassie]

Galatea's comments that "..rehabilitation won't necessarily make you stop using, but it will make you not able to enjoy it so much anymore," and cj's comment of "..recovering will ruin your using," and quercusalba's comments, "..it becomes easier not to use if you want to have any good fellings at all" really rang loud and true to me. Thanks to all of you for sharing that insight with us. I will recall these words next time my DOC tempts me.

Sherry Lassie

[Chy]

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