biminiblue

oh, oops, you're in Europe. Maybe a cab instead of uber? Uber is a Hire-A-Ride company/App.

kevlarsjal

Well it's his birthday so I guess he can meet up with his friends and they're old school friends who he doesn't see often so it's okay that he got carried away while talking to them. He offered me to joint but I said no cause I don't feel like it with my cold and also thought maybe it'd be nicer for the guys if it's just them. So I don't know if I can blame him for that. Still I find it annoying that I wouldn't have done that if I were him. I would've put him first and went home after an hour or two. But maybe that's my problem that I always put my relationship first.

He's home now but I am still hiding in the bathroom. I took some anti anxiety meds that I got prescribed during detox to help me with withdrawal and anxiety. I took them cause they numb me out a bit, not sure if that's betraying my sobriety cause it's just another way of not dealing with life but at least it's not drinking.

It's also true with the cold meds, I had lots of them and they have similar effects on me like alcohol in the way that they make me more angry and my thinking a bit less clear.

Don't know what to say to my boyfriend if I should tell him how I feel or not.

biminiblue

I think you should always just be kind to people if you love them.

and honest.

So I would say, "Ugh, this cold is kicking my butt, and I think I'm going to bed - I'm glad you're home, I was worried. Are you coming?"

Or whatever honesty you can muster!

I'm glad you made it through another day. It doesn't have to be graceful.

kevlarsjal

Thanks bimini! Especially that last sentence helped, now I at least don't feel like I should beat up myself for taking the anxiety meds. They helped me to stay calm.

My boyfriend was nice when he came home and felt like i was irgnoring him cause I was grumpy. I told him I was just in a bad mood cause I felt like I was an idiot waiting for him to come home but that I also understand he wanted to spend time with his friends.
We had a bit of an argument but he remained calm this time, no voice raising, yelling, insulting or sarcasm.

Makes me think he means it when he says he wants to work on his anger issues.

I explained why I felt angry and that I was mostly angry with myself because I expected him to come home earlier and that that was the main reason I stayed at his today. But yes we had no agreement on an exact time or anything. I also told him that I am worried about what this relationship means to me, if my and also his approach to it are healthy.
He agreed that it could be that we're both too focused on it.

And I even told him that I nearly drank and how thin the ice is for me at the moment. He was concerned but very understanding. He said it's important that I stay sober for myself and not cause I don't want to be confronted about my drinking by him and he liked my plan of attending AA meetings more regularly. (Although he's worried that I'll get hit on by other guys there.)

I'm pleased I was honest with him and that we both remained calm and made an effort to really listen to each other.

Oh and yes, he doesn't drink but his friends do. That's why they went to a bar, he just has non alcoholic drinks though.

I'll go to bed now, I'm emotionally exhausted. Thanks for the support everyone, it really helped me.

Dee74

One of the major factors in my addiction was FOMO fear of missing out.

It predated my drinking by a long way actually - I remember Friday nights and weekends sitting at home and then hearing about the great time others had on the weekend.

Ironically I ended up doing most of my drinking not going out...but thats another thread,

Now, from this side of the fence I see that I'm not missing out as a non drinker - I was missing out back then.

My social life is never better, and I'm genuinely happy. I could never say that as a drinker, let alone hope to achieve this level of happiness and serenity back then.

I don't have many regrets but the things I regret not doing aren't things like more party time...

it's the simple quiet things like having a family, building a career, taking different more substantial paths than I did.

kenton

Hope you feel better today Kev. I'll echo what others have said and wish I'd had your insight and emotional maturity at 27. Concentrate on getting physically well; everything seems worse when you're ill. Thinking of you and sending you strength xx

kenton

Been thinking about this thread since I read it. I'm at the same stage of recovery as you Kev but I'm 10 years older. If I'm honest, a decade ago I would have struggled more with the idea of never drinking again. But with the benefit of a decade of hindsight, do I wish I'd made the decision to stop drinking 10 years ago? Hell yes. I'm working hard on rebuilding the stuff I allowed alcohol to destroy and I'm optimistic for the future. But if I'd stopped drinking 10 years ago there would be a lot less stuff to rebuild. Like Tnek said, you can still travel the world and have amazing experiences without alcohol. Knowing what I know now, I'd tell my 27 year old self to stop drinking. Just wanted to share that with you xxx

kevlarsjal

Dee, I think it's a lot of FOMO (ugh, how silly that sounds, 'fomo'!) too. Somehow I still connect fun with drinking. It's easy for me as my drinking years were mostly fun. The small parts where it was no fun anymore now sometimes just seem like a phase to me. My drinking was mainly bad after I was raped when I began to drink 24/7 for the first time, drinking before and during and after school. But it didn't go downhill from there. I managed to go back to a more normal drinking approach again. Well, normal for someone at university, getting drunk 2-3 nights per week, sometimes until I pass out.

Then I had phases of rarely drinking anything (while I was in relationships) but whenever I was single I drank often and a lot. I felt like I didn't have to be the good girl for anyone and had the freedom of drinking whenever and how much I wanted.

The second and most recent time when my drinking got bad was when I was stuck in a relationship that didn't work anymore but I lived with that guy, none of us could afford to move out. I felt very unhappy in general, had become extremely isolated (not because of the drinking) and then started to drink every evening to forget about how unhappy I was and then it quickly came to the point where I already picked up a glass after waking up. My sleeping pattern was a total mess too, so often I'd wake up in the evening having breakfast with wine which didn't seem so weird if it's 8pm. So part of me thinks maybe it's just that I was feeling so bad anyway and due to the lack of structure I drank throughout the day and then that led to physical dependence.

What I'm trying to say is, that it's hard to be scared of a sunburn if all you've ever seen of the sun are the first rays of sunlight right at dawn.

I remember that I didn't like feeling like I had to drink to get rid of shaky hands. And that I didn't like having to lie about it. But that phase was relatively short, maybe half a year or so with a phase of drinking less in between.

I never got in trouble because of my drinking, never had health issues connected to it and in the 2-3 weeks where I tried to cut down before I quit I had the most productive and best days on the days I drank.

Sobriety is hard and I think it's easier to fully commit to it, if you know that's your only option. I am relatively sure it's the better option for me personally, especially from a more rational point of view but I also think I could get away with drinking for a couple more years at least.

What I also thought about was, that maybe I'm projecting all my hopes and desires on drinking. I wish I could be free, live abroad, do this, do that, but I can't, cause I can't drink. That it's not really the drinking I miss but the feeling of freedom, adventure and fun that I connect with drinking.

Or maybe I just miss the old times where I was in my early twenties and going out lots with my friends.

Anyhow, I aim to go to another meeting tonight. BF now wants me to stay over for another night. He just came home during lunch break feeling very down and saying like he feels like everything he does, goes wrong and how he can't do anything right. He didn't want to explain what he meant. Dunno if it's about work or us. He said maybe everything was his fault last night. I told him I don't think so.

I know he's worrying about me getting hit on by other men in AA, so maybe that's why he wants me to come back to his after the meeting tonight.

He also said, he won't drink as long as I don't drink, which makes me worry, so I asked if that means he'd drink if I did and he said he hopes he won't drink then. Still a bit worried about that.


Kenton, thanks for saying. I know you're right. Future me really wants me to listen to you. But current me thinks, flirting with disaster is more fun. But I think you're also right about getting well first, when you're ill everything's much worse. So I slept for 10 hours and now am wrapped up in bed again with a hot tea and left over birthday cake.

And today I definitely don't regret that I didn't drink last night.

PhoenixJ

I have heard people say with 15 years sobriety- because they did not plan- retrain their brain to stop the thinking- the instant act of picking up that first relapse drink, it just happened. The thought process has to be reinforced every day for me. Over and over- do not drink- or you will die next time (I did- the time b4)..
Support to you.

KM0816

Hi hon. So, I just want to say something and Idk if it will scare you enough. But, an ex of mine who became a heavy drinker in his late twenties, died at 30 years old, from alcoholics hepatitis. This was just two years ago. His death ended up being quite a turning point for me; ironically, I started drinking more. But, I also realized I had a problem, and that I could no longer keep covering it up. Just because you are young, doesn't mean that you are invincible. Alcohol effects everyone differently, and you really don't know what kind of damage it is doing to your body until it's too late.
I am convinced that some of my physical ailments that i deal with now are a result of alcoholism that i wasn't facing. It makes our health poor, and in turn we are more susceptible to other illness.

Just my two cents. I have about 5 years on you. I really wish I had quit at 27.

Dee74

I understand it's hard to connect your next drink with sitting unwashed and drunk in a bus shelter and not being able to get it together enough to walk home.

It was hard for me too - which is precisely why I ended up that way....little by little increment by increment.

You have an advantage I didn't tho - the collected stories and experience of people who've been there

D

kevlarsjal

Thanks Phoenix, your story might be the best example how much damage drinking can do. Thanks for sharing it with us on here so openly. I hope this doesn't come across the wrong way but I don't want that to ever happen to me. Reinforcing that thinking process is a good piece of advice, thank you.

That's right Dee, I have that advantage and I am very grateful for that. I went to another AA meeting today and hearing what other people shared about their drinking past and many of them regretting they didn't stop drinking at a younger age helps. It doesn't cure me of feeling like I miss out on something but it is a good counterpart and helps me to not act on those feelings.

But then there's people like my dad who seems to be getting away with drinking 2 bottles of wine each night for decades. I guess I always hoped I could do the same and I tried very hard. But I am not him and that's what I have to accept.

Something that I took home from today's meeting that helped me to get my thoughts back on track was 'to never forget your last drink'. I also got my 6 months chip which is the first one I picked up. It feels good having that in my pocket instead of a small vodka bottle like I used to. And I hope it will be a reminder whenever I'm looking for change in my pocket cause I'm playing with the thought of buying a bottle.

Dee74

I really don't think anyone drinking 2 bottles a wine a night is 'getting away' with anything.

Obviously I don't know your dad, but I do know regular hard drinking.

Just as noone knew about my agony for a long time, we can't really know about others struggles either?

D