thomas11

I'm just thinking out loud here, but to support my own sobriety, I wanted to share these thoughts.
When I first started sobriety I had a natural curiosity as to whether or not I would ever drink again (never is a long time). About a year and half ago I did what some do and tested it, and as I've mentioned before the magic was gone. I mean completely. So, I made it through the holidays around a fair amount of drinking, and then last night I was at our company party which they had an open bar and I'll be honest, over the holidays and last night I thought about having a couple drinks. I see how it works as a social lubricant for people and they get a little buzz going, no harm no foul. But I couldn't bring myself to do it because it the two times I "tested it" I felt like someone lobotomized me. There was no social lubricant or buzz. I felt dumb, empty, kind of hard to explain. Today there was an all day inauguration party at a mansion I was invited to with some very good friends. Couldn't do it. I just know for a fact that there is nothing there for me with alcohol.

And I share all this to see if anyone else feels this way? I guess maybe in the back of my mind I thought at some point much later in my life I would enjoy alcohol again, but at this point, I don't see that happening. What's going to change? Nothing, right? Its certainly not a bad thing, but I admit I am a bit surprised by this.

ps. I sometimes wonder if the 14 months I was on all that oxycodone, that it changed my mind or body somehow in which I don't react (positively) to alcohol.

NewRomanMan

Why worry about never having another drink again? Just worry about today. That's all we've really got anyway. If we're lucky enough to have a tomorrow, worry about it then. Combating alcoholism is much easier to do in 24 hour chuncks, IMO.

aasharon90

Ive heard folks with large amounts of
recovery time to go out for no real reason.
They just couldn't explain it and now they
either are still drinking, miserable and some
regret it, that it hasn't changed.

To me that's al I need to hear as a
reminder of how alcohol never
did me any real good in my life,
and where I am in my life today
with 26 yrs sobriety, I have everything
I need to keep me happy, healthy,
honest and alcohol isn't and never
will be a part of that equation.

I'm an alcoholic living in recovery.

August252015

Never again. Totally off the table for me, forever. No way would I lose the life I have now for anything a drink might seem to offer, and lose it would be exactly what one drink would do.

2ndhandrose

I am an "all in" or "all out" kind of gal and the "all in" gal ain't very pretty

Stay sober, my friend

Dee74

Someone asked me this the other day (in real life not on SR) and I said like I know I'm not going to do crack cocaine or start up shooting heroin, or become a serial killer, I'm not going to drink again.

Not beating you up, but this is your inner addict trying its hardest to keep the door open a crack.

It dies hard.

I firmly believe that if we build a sober life we love then there's no need for unpleasant memories or reactions to keep us sober Jeff - we stay sober because we prefer it that way.

It took me a little time to get there but I hope you'll join me there

D

thomas11

But you did have a natural curiosity early on correct? Did you think your quitting was forever from the first day? Probably not, right?

I"m safe, this thought popped up last night and today a little and thought I'd try to get some input.

D122y

All the drunks at work got sick this year...not me.

I get singing happy now...just listening to the radio.

I can go 20+ hours w no sleep...after getting up at 230 am w only 5 hours of sleep.

I get several minutes of euphoria periodically everyday...just doing my thing.

I can go on and on about the physical and mental healing and growth I have experienced.

My normal self is like a super mutant compared to my drunkard self.

I still crave...everyday...but I will never touch booze again. 1DAAT. So help me God.

It is poison to me.

Stay clean team!

Dee74

No, that why I said it took time to get to the point where I am now

I did 24 hour commitments for a while until I got used to the idea of forever

The point I was trying to get at was I'm always wary of any fear based or aversion based recovery tho because, in my experience, fear and aversion do not always last.

In other words don't always count on being disgusted by the idea of drinking.

D

thomas11

This will keep me thinking for awhile. Makes a lot of sense.

soberandhonest

Last week, I had to leave my house at around 6 a.m. for a business trip that would last several days. As I was going to bed the night before, I realized that my hummingbird feeder had just run out. I got up at 4 a.m. so that I would have time to make new food for my little hummingbirds that had stuck around in this northern town for the winter. In a thousand years, my drunk self would have never done that. And that is reason enough for me to stay sober. Forever.

ScottFromWI

My plan is to never drink again, and I set aside time each and every day to work on making sure that plan stays in place. Can I absolutely 100% guarantee that I will never drink again? Of course not, no one can. LIfe has too many variables to guarantee anything, but we can certainly stack the deck very highly in our favor.

entropy1964

Dee your posts are spot on. It's hard for me to respond to the OP because ....well I don't know how to. I've accepted that I have this addict in me that will take any opportunity to start chipping away at my commitment to recovery. It's a sneaky bastard. From experience I know it gets quieter and visits infrequently, but it's always there.

For me it seems willingness is a powerful word. If I'm willing to accept that alcohol is no longer an option, I can start the process of recovery. But likewise if I'm willing to ponder a future where alcohol is an option, I can start the process of relapse.

ABetterWay1

I've metaphorically played with fire enough times to know that if I do it again, I'm gonna get burned.

I've tested the waters after many sober periods. Some were a few weeks, a few months, even as many as six months. Every single time I went back out, it wound up the same way.

I've learned some excruciatingly hard lessons and now my curiosity is gone.

ABW1

Delilah1

I know that drinking is off the table for me. Moderation has never been something I was able to do, and God knows I tried enough times.

I am much happier sober, and having been on here with you for a while and you seem to be much happier sober as well.

MLD51

Dee, I loved what you said about being wary of fear or aversion based recovery. In the very beginning, my recovery was almost completely fear and aversion based. And most of my life before recently was very heavily influenced by fears of all kinds. But I do not want to live that way anymore. I'd rather choose to flip my thinking about ever drinking again from "I'm afraid to" to "why would I want to when life is so much better without it?" I see people at meetings who are newer than I am, struggling with so much fear, and I know exactly how they feel. I was there. But as time goes on, at least for me, I know that if I continue to stay sober only because I'm afraid to drink again, I'll never get to really feel the true freedom sobriety offers.

I hope that made sense.

As far as the OP - yeah, at the beginning I had it in my head I might be able to drink a little bit again someday when I'm a little old lady - a little glass of wine with dinner, that sort of thing. It helped me a little tiny bit in those early early days when I had no idea how to live without drinking. But now, if I think about that little old lady scenario and it just doesn't sound right - it doesn't "fit" anymore. It sounds really sad to me, actually. And that feels pretty amazing.

ccam1973

One day at a time Jeff. After two and a half sober years, i still treat my sobriety one day at a time. Thoughts of drinking still pop up, but i make sure when they do, i force thoughts of where that drink will take me.

I choose to be sober today because I prefer it that way. I know deep down that drinking will only bring total destruction back into my life.

Stay strong Jeff. Never forget why you are giving yourself the gift of being sober.

Algorithm

This is the "it doesn't feel good anymore" line of defense. You are abstaining only from the disadvantages of drinking, so all your AV has to do is to argue that it might feel good. Indeed, this is essentially what you are asking yourself, hence your unease.

You had a similar line of thinking way back, when you were prescribed Valium, which RobbyRobot caught at the time. This is simply a variation on a theme.

Drinking Without W/D Penalties -

Try meeting your addiction head on, and abstaining from the benefits of drinking. That is, recognize that drinking might feel very good indeed, and then decide that those good feelings are what you abstain from.

This may take care of the unease.

August252015

Interesting to read Dee's comments about fear or aversion based "strategies."

Several times in just the last two days, I have had this conversation in some form. My contributions to them were about SR- when I see people start threads or talk about things like "what's your worst hangover" or writing down some horrible situation or experience to pull out when tempted in the future, etc - I simply don't get it. Why in the world would I deliberately remind myself of such horrors? I know they happened- I can't ever (won't ever) shut the door on them. They also belong in a box and the door to it will open unbidden sometimes - but hope for the future and a building my best life pinkish strategy is where my focus is and heart lies. That's why I have tools to deal with things like guilt, regret, embarrassment etc and one is not a negative, possibly self-flagellating and certainly shudder-inducing manner of self-reminding.

To each their own, but the bad stuff was never enough to stop me from drinking again. Til I quit, and started working my program and putting all of that where it belongs so I can live....now.

myfdeserveit

I'm still new to sobriety, today is day 25 for me.

I can't and won't say that I will never have a drink again. I know I don't want to - I never ever want to touch the stuff again. I won't have a drink today though, I know that. Tomorrow I will worry about tomorrow.

I can't do moderation and like many folk say - its the first drink that gets me drunk. After that I have no control.

I can honestly say though that the last couple of weeks have been the happiest weeks in my life for as long as I remember. So I really, really hope I don't pick up a drink again because I do not want that misery back.