Need some cheerleading
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 129
Need some cheerleading
Today I have 80 days sober.
The next two weeks have the biggest tests, beginning tonight.
I am attending a big party and as it is in honor of my friend who has a terminal illness, I would not miss it for anything. There will be tons of alcohol plus the emotional turmoil of the occasion. There will be lots of nonalcoholic options there. I just need to name that I feel challenged, but I will not drink.
In a few days, I will then go to spend time with my family of origin. We all drink together. They are unaware that I am now sober but I will tell them as soon as I arrive.
Cocktail hour is early and we drink together because we don't have much more than that in common. I also have always drunk with them to mask the sadness I have that we are so different, and so disappointing to one another in lots of ways both practical and existential. We love one another but we are so so so different.
As I write all this out I am aware that it is an old, dramatic story that does't have to have the weight I have always given it. I may have just solved all this for myself in writing it.
It doesn't have to be how it has always been.
Thanks for listening.
The next two weeks have the biggest tests, beginning tonight.
I am attending a big party and as it is in honor of my friend who has a terminal illness, I would not miss it for anything. There will be tons of alcohol plus the emotional turmoil of the occasion. There will be lots of nonalcoholic options there. I just need to name that I feel challenged, but I will not drink.
In a few days, I will then go to spend time with my family of origin. We all drink together. They are unaware that I am now sober but I will tell them as soon as I arrive.
Cocktail hour is early and we drink together because we don't have much more than that in common. I also have always drunk with them to mask the sadness I have that we are so different, and so disappointing to one another in lots of ways both practical and existential. We love one another but we are so so so different.
As I write all this out I am aware that it is an old, dramatic story that does't have to have the weight I have always given it. I may have just solved all this for myself in writing it.
It doesn't have to be how it has always been.
Thanks for listening.
I'm sure you'll get thru the holidays sober. Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,526
Beeme, I do hope talking about it helps relieve the anxiety somewhat. I love what you said - it doesn't have to be how it has always been. I have a similar relationship with my family - I think it's quite common, but most people aren't able to acknowledge it. I'm very glad you posted - please let us know how your evening goes. I'm so sorry to hear of your friend's illness. 
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,574
Hi beeme -- you can do this, and you're quite right, the old story doesn't have to have the weight given it in the past.
I went through the holidays last year at about 3 months sober, and had many similar challenges as yours. My siblings and I always drank together. While we love each other, we are very different and not that open with each other emotionally. It was always kind of sad and bittersweet to me when we were together ... never felt quite like I wanted it to ... and alcohol was my go-to solution for that.
My only suggestion is just to take good care of yourself ... it helped me to take little breaks, walk around the block, deep breathing. I tried to limit my participation a bit, and I just explained to my siblings I needed some distance from the booze for now. It also helped me to try to love and accept my siblings for exactly who they are, not who I want them to be. Now going through my second year of holidays, it's much easier.
You got this, and we have your back!
I went through the holidays last year at about 3 months sober, and had many similar challenges as yours. My siblings and I always drank together. While we love each other, we are very different and not that open with each other emotionally. It was always kind of sad and bittersweet to me when we were together ... never felt quite like I wanted it to ... and alcohol was my go-to solution for that.
My only suggestion is just to take good care of yourself ... it helped me to take little breaks, walk around the block, deep breathing. I tried to limit my participation a bit, and I just explained to my siblings I needed some distance from the booze for now. It also helped me to try to love and accept my siblings for exactly who they are, not who I want them to be. Now going through my second year of holidays, it's much easier.
You got this, and we have your back!
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Australia
Posts: 323
Congrats on 80 days that's huge 
You can surely get through this testing time and come out even stronger at the end.
"It doesn't have to be how it has always been."
Love it. Love it Love it!!
Good luck and stay strong
You can surely get through this testing time and come out even stronger at the end.
"It doesn't have to be how it has always been."
Love it. Love it Love it!!
Good luck and stay strong
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,372
Hi Beeme
I'd like to offer you an alternative choice - don't go to the party but make a special time to be with your friend and do something else special instead.
If that's simply not possible, and you feel you have to go to the party, remember you're there for your friend.
Drinking would be an incredibly selfish thing for you to do.
Think through some scenarios - people offering you a drink, askjing why you're not drinking - and have a escape plan organised for if/when you feel at risk.
D
I'd like to offer you an alternative choice - don't go to the party but make a special time to be with your friend and do something else special instead.
If that's simply not possible, and you feel you have to go to the party, remember you're there for your friend.
Drinking would be an incredibly selfish thing for you to do.
Think through some scenarios - people offering you a drink, askjing why you're not drinking - and have a escape plan organised for if/when you feel at risk.
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 129
Thank you all so much! I can feel the love.
Dee, I love the perspective that drinking would be an incredibly selfish thing to do. That is SO SO SO true in this case. I am going to honor my friend, not booze it up.
I will, however, eat whatever the heck I want! And go home early and wake up without a hangover.
Dee, I love the perspective that drinking would be an incredibly selfish thing to do. That is SO SO SO true in this case. I am going to honor my friend, not booze it up.
I will, however, eat whatever the heck I want!
And go home early and wake up without a hangover.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Congrats on 80 days I found this the other day it backs up everything D has said which I too completely agree with
How to survive the office Christmas party, sober - The Sober School
How to survive the office Christmas party, sober - The Sober School
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: ohio
Posts: 3,615
Bee, congrats on well earned 80 days! Good job holding on to it tonight.
Sobriety is a precious gift. It is the precious gift of new life. I want to keep that for Christmas. I don't need stuff, just sobriety.
Regarding your family, I could have written your post years ago. I am so very different from my family. If I didn't have my fathers feet, I'd swear I was switched at birth with some other kid.
I realized over time though, that I connect much better with my family when I'm sober. Even if they aren't, which they aren't, but they don't drink like I did.
You might be pleasantly surprised. Maybe not his time, but I bet over time you star to see similarities and the differences won't take that away.
Sobriety is a precious gift. It is the precious gift of new life. I want to keep that for Christmas. I don't need stuff, just sobriety.
Regarding your family, I could have written your post years ago. I am so very different from my family. If I didn't have my fathers feet, I'd swear I was switched at birth with some other kid.
I realized over time though, that I connect much better with my family when I'm sober. Even if they aren't, which they aren't, but they don't drink like I did.
You might be pleasantly surprised. Maybe not his time, but I bet over time you star to see similarities and the differences won't take that away.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 129
That's so hopeful, wehav! Thanks for the perspective.
I am actually wondering if the drinking has KEPT me in the old ideas of "not belonging" or feeling "different." There is something so painfully adolescent about what happens to me when I go home.
Maybe without drinking I can be more of an adult instead of reverting back to my old ways of relating to them.
I am actually wondering if the drinking has KEPT me in the old ideas of "not belonging" or feeling "different." There is something so painfully adolescent about what happens to me when I go home.
Maybe without drinking I can be more of an adult instead of reverting back to my old ways of relating to them.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
Originally Posted by beeme 
As I write all this out I am aware that it is an old, dramatic story that does't have to have the weight I have always given it. I may have just solved all this for myself in writing it.
It doesn't have to be how it has always been.
It doesn't have to be how it has always been.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Coming on here and naming your concerns, naming your known challenges ahead, sharing the facts are the first in a series of steps that will see you through this in sober, happy success.
Other steps include;
Being fully willing to leave any of these events at a moment's notice the second you feel yourself being challenged or edging in the direction of a drink.
Having a firm, committed plan to execute on the above - a way to get home, a specific thing to say to anyone inquiring why you're going, etc.
Having a firm, committed, specific answer to questions like:
What can I get you to drink?
Can I get you a drink?
You're not drinking?
Aww... c'mon... have a drink!!!
Visualizing the events and likely situations that could arise - and visualizing yourself declining offers to drink, feeling OK about not drinking, LEAVING in the event you begin to feel NOT OK about not drinking.
Strongly considering alternatives to going to the events at all - questioning your beliefs that you "have" to or don't have a choice.
Reminding yourself daily of why you've committed to sobriety and embracing the sober time you have already as the foundation of your PREFERRED way of living.
You can do this.
Other steps include;
Being fully willing to leave any of these events at a moment's notice the second you feel yourself being challenged or edging in the direction of a drink.
Having a firm, committed plan to execute on the above - a way to get home, a specific thing to say to anyone inquiring why you're going, etc.
Having a firm, committed, specific answer to questions like:
What can I get you to drink?
Can I get you a drink?
You're not drinking?
Aww... c'mon... have a drink!!!
Visualizing the events and likely situations that could arise - and visualizing yourself declining offers to drink, feeling OK about not drinking, LEAVING in the event you begin to feel NOT OK about not drinking.
Strongly considering alternatives to going to the events at all - questioning your beliefs that you "have" to or don't have a choice.
Reminding yourself daily of why you've committed to sobriety and embracing the sober time you have already as the foundation of your PREFERRED way of living.
You can do this.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
What a beautiful, powerful outcome. Thank you so much for sharing Beeme. You did an amazing job by staying sober. I am so sorry to hear of your friend's illness, but as Dee said, drinking right now would be very selfish. You did great. thank you for the post.
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