ZeldaFan's post-relapse recovery journal
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ZeldaFan's post-relapse recovery journal
Hello everyone! So, I wanted to start this thread for myself and for all those who are back to day 1 after a relapse. There have been a lot of day 1 again threads (myself included) lately so I thought by keeping a daily journal of my recovery from my recent relapse, it would hold me accountable and be a place for those in a similar situation to chime in with their comments and how their journey is going. We're all in this together after all!
For those newer to this site, I had a run of about 7 months of sobriety from late 2013 into mid 2014. It was a wonderful time and an experience I draw on daily as part of my motivation. Then, I made the mistake of turning my back on the beast / my AV and decided one drink of vodka would be fine. Months later, I was back where I started. After that long relapse, I was worse off than ever. I had one night where I really should have gone to the ER. I had the shakes so bad I cut my face with my fingernails by accident nearly hitting my eye and I couldn't function even at day 2. I finally went to my doctor and got proper medical attention. After that, more months went by sober and then, last week, I had about five days or so of heavy vodka consumption.
Now, when I'm sober I'm usually a night owl and full of energy. But by day 2/3 of the heavy drinking, I was asleep by 4 or 5 PM, up at 2 AM to throw up and then back up around 4 AM to start it all over again. This time, however, common sense finally kicked in and I grabbed my AVRT book and snapped out of it before days turned into months. So, by Sunday, I was back to day 1. Thus, the post-relapse journey for me began again.
Day 1 was hard but not as bad as before (probably due to my stopping myself early but who really knows how the body works) but still full of nausea, constant unpleasant bowel movements, shaky hands and empty eyes. Somehow, I managed to get myself to the office (alone since it was a Sunday) for a few hours to catch up from the days I missed and washed my bedding. That night, I had my sleepytime tea and slept best I could (which was not well).
Day 2 things were already getting better. Appetite was back, energy was returning and the fog was starting to clear out of my head. This is the danger zone in my opinion when coming out of a relapse because already the AV is telling you that you are getting better so you can drink some more. Stayed busy after work cleaning, read more in my AVRT book, had tea and stayed close to SR. I made sure I was in bed by 8 PM even though I didn't go to bed until around 1 AM. My bed is my safe place where my AV leaves me alone. I'm surrounded by my defense mechanisms so in early recovery I stay close to those.
Today, day 3, was a good day overall. I was much more focused at work, appetite back in full force and the feeling of my sober self was starting to come back to me. Again DANGER ZONE for AV return potential. So, after work, I stopped at the grocery store, got some healthy foods, did two loads of laundry, watched Netflix and then got into bed around 9:30 with my trusty tea and started writing this. Another thing, when I'm sober I quit smoking by switching to vaping very low nicotine ejuice. It's helped me a lot and has become a hobby of mine. However, rebuilding coils and doing the hobbyist parts of vaping require a steady hand. I did some work on that tonight but hands still aren't totally steady yet so it was a struggle. When I'm drinking, I will take down two packs a day so it's always a process to get off the cigarettes and back to vaping after a relapse for me. Today, I only had 3 cigarettes and tomorrow I plan to have none.
So, that's where I am at the end of the third day. I'm hoping for a fairly good night of sleep tonight and I'm so thankful to be past the dreaded 72 hour mark. I'm keeping my tools close, getting my routine back in order and making sure I follow my plan closely. This life sober is so much better than with the drink - no matter what that nasty AV tries to tell me. Again, this is really an accountability exercise for me but I hope it's helpful for those in early recovery as well. Everyone is different so this is just my experience and me sharing with all of you. If you read all of this, I'm impressed!
Here's to day 4!
For those newer to this site, I had a run of about 7 months of sobriety from late 2013 into mid 2014. It was a wonderful time and an experience I draw on daily as part of my motivation. Then, I made the mistake of turning my back on the beast / my AV and decided one drink of vodka would be fine. Months later, I was back where I started. After that long relapse, I was worse off than ever. I had one night where I really should have gone to the ER. I had the shakes so bad I cut my face with my fingernails by accident nearly hitting my eye and I couldn't function even at day 2. I finally went to my doctor and got proper medical attention. After that, more months went by sober and then, last week, I had about five days or so of heavy vodka consumption.
Now, when I'm sober I'm usually a night owl and full of energy. But by day 2/3 of the heavy drinking, I was asleep by 4 or 5 PM, up at 2 AM to throw up and then back up around 4 AM to start it all over again. This time, however, common sense finally kicked in and I grabbed my AVRT book and snapped out of it before days turned into months. So, by Sunday, I was back to day 1. Thus, the post-relapse journey for me began again.
Day 1 was hard but not as bad as before (probably due to my stopping myself early but who really knows how the body works) but still full of nausea, constant unpleasant bowel movements, shaky hands and empty eyes. Somehow, I managed to get myself to the office (alone since it was a Sunday) for a few hours to catch up from the days I missed and washed my bedding. That night, I had my sleepytime tea and slept best I could (which was not well).
Day 2 things were already getting better. Appetite was back, energy was returning and the fog was starting to clear out of my head. This is the danger zone in my opinion when coming out of a relapse because already the AV is telling you that you are getting better so you can drink some more. Stayed busy after work cleaning, read more in my AVRT book, had tea and stayed close to SR. I made sure I was in bed by 8 PM even though I didn't go to bed until around 1 AM. My bed is my safe place where my AV leaves me alone. I'm surrounded by my defense mechanisms so in early recovery I stay close to those.
Today, day 3, was a good day overall. I was much more focused at work, appetite back in full force and the feeling of my sober self was starting to come back to me. Again DANGER ZONE for AV return potential. So, after work, I stopped at the grocery store, got some healthy foods, did two loads of laundry, watched Netflix and then got into bed around 9:30 with my trusty tea and started writing this. Another thing, when I'm sober I quit smoking by switching to vaping very low nicotine ejuice. It's helped me a lot and has become a hobby of mine. However, rebuilding coils and doing the hobbyist parts of vaping require a steady hand. I did some work on that tonight but hands still aren't totally steady yet so it was a struggle. When I'm drinking, I will take down two packs a day so it's always a process to get off the cigarettes and back to vaping after a relapse for me. Today, I only had 3 cigarettes and tomorrow I plan to have none.
So, that's where I am at the end of the third day. I'm hoping for a fairly good night of sleep tonight and I'm so thankful to be past the dreaded 72 hour mark. I'm keeping my tools close, getting my routine back in order and making sure I follow my plan closely. This life sober is so much better than with the drink - no matter what that nasty AV tries to tell me. Again, this is really an accountability exercise for me but I hope it's helpful for those in early recovery as well. Everyone is different so this is just my experience and me sharing with all of you. If you read all of this, I'm impressed!
Here's to day 4!
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Some very interesting points you made there that hit home to me. It hadn't occurred to me but like you, my bed (bedroom as a whole) has always been an alcohol-free zone. In my 33 years of on-off drinking it's the place I retreat to away from booze.
I may pencil this in to my plan as part of my coping mechanism (sending me to my room like a naughty child when the AV starts on it me!!)
I may pencil this in to my plan as part of my coping mechanism (sending me to my room like a naughty child when the AV starts on it me!!)
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Originally Posted by VirginiaWoof 
I may pencil this in to my plan as part of my coping mechanism (sending me to my room like a naughty child when the AV starts on it me!!)
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Day 4 is complete and I'm tucked away in bed and actually feeling naturally sleepy tonight for the first time in awhile. Hopefully I get a solid night of sleep tonight. I slept decent last night but woke up a few times and had some trouble falling asleep so I was a bit drowsy all day today.
Overall, today was a good day. Very little anxiety, bowel movements are pretty much back to normal, appetite is leveling out but the sugar cravings are kicking in again pretty hard and my head is finally feeling clear again. Since the holidays are getting close, work is slowing down and, being an office job, that makes for a long and boring day. I spent a good amount of time socializing with my friend and coworker and just walking around getting some exercise instead of just sitting like a lump in front of the computer. I got up in time this morning to fix myself a healthy lunch and stopped for a bagel and coffee on the way in which was a nice treat. I also used my down time at work to plan my weekend to make sure I stay busy. Going to change the oil, filter and wiper blades on my car for my upcoming Christmas travel and made plans with some friends I haven't seen in a long time to have lunch on Sunday. I know that when I plan things for myself on the weekend ahead of time, it prevents me from being tempted to grab a bottle on the way home from work on Friday. It's all about planning ahead.
When I got home, I had some Mexican food for dinner, watched some Netflix, had a nice chat with my grandparents, folded and sorted my laundry and cleaned some of my vape gear. Before I knew it, it was 9:30 and I jumped into bed and got on here to update my journal. It's amazing how busy I can keep myself when I'm sober and not obsessing about the next drink. I have to remember to keep myself active as it keeps the AV at bay. Looking forward to day 5 tomorrow! I hope everyone else out there on their journey is doing well!
Overall, today was a good day. Very little anxiety, bowel movements are pretty much back to normal, appetite is leveling out but the sugar cravings are kicking in again pretty hard and my head is finally feeling clear again. Since the holidays are getting close, work is slowing down and, being an office job, that makes for a long and boring day. I spent a good amount of time socializing with my friend and coworker and just walking around getting some exercise instead of just sitting like a lump in front of the computer. I got up in time this morning to fix myself a healthy lunch and stopped for a bagel and coffee on the way in which was a nice treat. I also used my down time at work to plan my weekend to make sure I stay busy. Going to change the oil, filter and wiper blades on my car for my upcoming Christmas travel and made plans with some friends I haven't seen in a long time to have lunch on Sunday. I know that when I plan things for myself on the weekend ahead of time, it prevents me from being tempted to grab a bottle on the way home from work on Friday. It's all about planning ahead.
When I got home, I had some Mexican food for dinner, watched some Netflix, had a nice chat with my grandparents, folded and sorted my laundry and cleaned some of my vape gear. Before I knew it, it was 9:30 and I jumped into bed and got on here to update my journal. It's amazing how busy I can keep myself when I'm sober and not obsessing about the next drink. I have to remember to keep myself active as it keeps the AV at bay. Looking forward to day 5 tomorrow! I hope everyone else out there on their journey is doing well!
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Day 5 is down and it was actually a pretty active day. Work was decently busy which was nice since it keeps my mind occupied and makes the time go by faster. Sleep keeps getting better every night and I woke up early today and got into the office early. For some reason, it feels good to be the first one in. Very little anxiety today and the life is starting to come back to my eyes. My friend and coworker even commented that I looked "refreshed". As close as we work together, I know she knows I have a problem but she never talks about it and I think she is relieved to see me getting back to normal.
We had the office holiday party today which includes lunch and then a white elephant gift exchange. I've learned, however, over the past few years that all it really amounts to is people trading bottles of liquor. So, I have not participated for three years. When I was asked this year why I wasn't doing it I simply said I didn't care for booze, grabbed some food and treats and headed back down to my desk. It felt good to remove myself from that situation and I had a delicious free lunch. Win win all around!
The drive home took me almost an hour today which is about three times longer than normal but I didn't get nearly as annoyed with it as I usually would. Not sure why but it was a nice change. I just enjoyed music in the car and the sunset as I moved slowly along. When I got home, I had dinner, enjoyed my usual session of Netflix with the cat by my side and then made my tea and got into bed. I'm actually feeling even more tired tonight than last night. More than likely from getting up early and having a pretty active day. I look forward to sleeping well tonight. I'm also proud to say I'm on my second day without a cigarette. Between all the drinking and smoking during my bender, my voice was very rough and it's now mostly back to normal. I didn't realize how rough it sounded until it started to improve.
I look forward to day 6 tomorrow. It's Friday so I'm sure the AV will be stronger than usual but I'm prepared and I know I will not drink. I'm looking forward to waking up Saturday sober and having a nice breakfast far too much to ruin that. I hope everyone out there is staying strong in their journey and doing well. Thanks again to all for letting me make this a place to chronicle my journey and hold myself accountable. This has been a very helpful exercise for me that I look forward to continuing.
We had the office holiday party today which includes lunch and then a white elephant gift exchange. I've learned, however, over the past few years that all it really amounts to is people trading bottles of liquor. So, I have not participated for three years. When I was asked this year why I wasn't doing it I simply said I didn't care for booze, grabbed some food and treats and headed back down to my desk. It felt good to remove myself from that situation and I had a delicious free lunch. Win win all around!
The drive home took me almost an hour today which is about three times longer than normal but I didn't get nearly as annoyed with it as I usually would. Not sure why but it was a nice change. I just enjoyed music in the car and the sunset as I moved slowly along. When I got home, I had dinner, enjoyed my usual session of Netflix with the cat by my side and then made my tea and got into bed. I'm actually feeling even more tired tonight than last night. More than likely from getting up early and having a pretty active day. I look forward to sleeping well tonight. I'm also proud to say I'm on my second day without a cigarette. Between all the drinking and smoking during my bender, my voice was very rough and it's now mostly back to normal. I didn't realize how rough it sounded until it started to improve.
I look forward to day 6 tomorrow. It's Friday so I'm sure the AV will be stronger than usual but I'm prepared and I know I will not drink. I'm looking forward to waking up Saturday sober and having a nice breakfast far too much to ruin that. I hope everyone out there is staying strong in their journey and doing well. Thanks again to all for letting me make this a place to chronicle my journey and hold myself accountable. This has been a very helpful exercise for me that I look forward to continuing.
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Day 6 is complete. Got a good night's sleep and woke up early again which was refreshing. Got out of bed with no anxiety and starting to look noticeably better. It occurred to me today how wonderful it is to wake up guilt free and feeling refreshed. I was just kind of hanging on for the first 5 days and today it hit me how important my sobriety really is to my mental and physical state.
Work was sloooooow today so that dragged on a bit but I got my shopping list in order for after work. Then I went to the store and it was crazy busy. I kept my cool but I could feel some anxiety and frustration building as I was shopping. Then I had to go to the grocery side and there were displays for alcohol from front to back of the store. I had no way to avoid them but I prevailed and left without a bottle in hand. When I got home, it felt like a real victory - especially given today is Friday and that's when I'm most venerable to my nasty AV. I won the battle.
When I got home I spent some time tinkering around with my vape gear. I rebuilt the coils and wicks in one of my small rebuildable tanks just to test my hand eye coordination since it's been off all week. It was still a bit of a struggle but I managed to do it. Another small victory that made me feel good. I then enjoyed some tacos and Netflix, chocolate ice cream for dessert and made some tea and got into bed where I am now.
I can't wait to wake up tomorrow sober and make a nice breakfast. I'm thinking omelette with cheese and turkey, bacon in the oven, hash browns and some toast. It will be my reward for my sober Saturday. I hope everyone is staying strong and will join me in this sober weekend. Day 7, here I come!
Work was sloooooow today so that dragged on a bit but I got my shopping list in order for after work. Then I went to the store and it was crazy busy. I kept my cool but I could feel some anxiety and frustration building as I was shopping. Then I had to go to the grocery side and there were displays for alcohol from front to back of the store. I had no way to avoid them but I prevailed and left without a bottle in hand. When I got home, it felt like a real victory - especially given today is Friday and that's when I'm most venerable to my nasty AV. I won the battle.
When I got home I spent some time tinkering around with my vape gear. I rebuilt the coils and wicks in one of my small rebuildable tanks just to test my hand eye coordination since it's been off all week. It was still a bit of a struggle but I managed to do it. Another small victory that made me feel good. I then enjoyed some tacos and Netflix, chocolate ice cream for dessert and made some tea and got into bed where I am now.
I can't wait to wake up tomorrow sober and make a nice breakfast. I'm thinking omelette with cheese and turkey, bacon in the oven, hash browns and some toast. It will be my reward for my sober Saturday. I hope everyone is staying strong and will join me in this sober weekend. Day 7, here I come!
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As of 6:00 PM today, I am officially one week sober! Oh what a difference a week can make. I got a full night's sleep last night, slept in this morning and then enjoyed a delicious breakfast complete with cheese omelette, copious amounts of bacon, red potato home fries and toast. It was wonderful and a nice treat on such a cold day.
After sitting around for awhile in a food coma, I decided to go to the store to get out of the house and grab some bottles of sparkling water and some fruit to add to it. It's become my new favorite thing right now. While in line at the store, I saw a man purchasing numerous bottles of wine, a handle of cheap vodka, soda, chips and other junk food items. He was really fidgety and you could tell he wasn't in a good place. He looked rough and probably hadn't showered in at least a day. My heart broke for him as I have been in that place many times before. It really put the importance of my sobriety into perspective. I don't want to ever be in that place again. As for that poor man, I hope he breaks free of his alcohol prison soon.
When I got home, I wrapped all my Christmas gifts. It took me about an hour and a half but I think they came out rather nice. I went with the more expensive wrapping paper this year and that made the process a lot easier. After that, I decided to pay my parents a visit randomly. My mom seemed surprised as I usually don't leave the house on the weekends and, when I was drinking, I most certainly did not go anywhere near their place. It was nice to have the freedom to be able to go over there guilt free.
Then I got home and relaxed for awhile jumping between SR and Netflix with the space heater by my side. Tonight, I am so thankful for my sobriety. My experience at the store today really reinforced that. Tomorrow is day 8 and I'm looking forward to enjoying some sushi with a couple of friends I haven't seen in a few years. It will be nice to catch up and get out of the house some more this weekend. Be well everyone!
After sitting around for awhile in a food coma, I decided to go to the store to get out of the house and grab some bottles of sparkling water and some fruit to add to it. It's become my new favorite thing right now. While in line at the store, I saw a man purchasing numerous bottles of wine, a handle of cheap vodka, soda, chips and other junk food items. He was really fidgety and you could tell he wasn't in a good place. He looked rough and probably hadn't showered in at least a day. My heart broke for him as I have been in that place many times before. It really put the importance of my sobriety into perspective. I don't want to ever be in that place again. As for that poor man, I hope he breaks free of his alcohol prison soon.
When I got home, I wrapped all my Christmas gifts. It took me about an hour and a half but I think they came out rather nice. I went with the more expensive wrapping paper this year and that made the process a lot easier. After that, I decided to pay my parents a visit randomly. My mom seemed surprised as I usually don't leave the house on the weekends and, when I was drinking, I most certainly did not go anywhere near their place. It was nice to have the freedom to be able to go over there guilt free.
Then I got home and relaxed for awhile jumping between SR and Netflix with the space heater by my side. Tonight, I am so thankful for my sobriety. My experience at the store today really reinforced that. Tomorrow is day 8 and I'm looking forward to enjoying some sushi with a couple of friends I haven't seen in a few years. It will be nice to catch up and get out of the house some more this weekend. Be well everyone!
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