tufty13

Hello to everyone, I've decided to join your community for some support with my journey.

I'm struggling with the notion that I'm an alcoholic but the mere fact I'm here suggests otherwise.

My father was a hopeless alcoholic and my mother an enabler. I rarely saw my father sober. He lost his driving license four times (only avoiding a prison sentence through a technicality) and the only job he could ever hold down was one where he could get way with drinking at work. We never had any money due to his addiction.

He was always either drunk or in bed or both. Some mornings he used to have to take a swig from the vodka bottle he kept under his pillow before he could even get out of bed.

He suffered greatly from depression and was twice admitted to hospital with psychiatric problems. He died from cirrhosis of the liver when he was 65, having never got to know any of his children, not because we didn't live under the same roof, just because - well, he just never engaged with us.

Contrast that to me, a 51 year old father of four beautiful daughters who all adore me, we have an outstanding relationship. I have a good job that pays the bills and whilst I'm by no means set for life I'm not in debt and never have been.

I've never been in trouble with the police, never missed work through drink. I've never drunk in the mornings, I don't drink spirits, I've never blacked out after drinking or collapsed and I think the last time I threw up from drinking too much was probably back in my thirties.

I don't hide any drink in the house and I don't get cravings for alcohol, I've never worried about where my next drink is going to come from. I don't lose my temper when I drink, in fact I've have never had a fight in my life.

So there's quite a contrast between my experience of what an alcoholic is and how they behave and how I see myself.

So surely I'm nothing like my father. There's no way I'm an alcoholic.

The case for the defence rests.

The case for the prosecution would be something along the lines of...

I first got absolutely smashed when I was just 13. I was so ill I couldn't hold food down for a day. I continued to drink regularly from the age of about 15 and right though my teenage years and into my twenties. In fact I've never ever stopped drinking for more than a week or so.

It's recently come to my awareness that all of my friends are drinkers. I don't believe that's a coincidence, it's clearly the company I choose to keep.

My marriage to my childhood sweetheart failed after 18 years because of a drink fuelled infidelity.

I can no longer keep wine in the house, if I buy it I drink it. All of it.

I can rarely have just one drink, I have to keep on drinking till I reach "that point" or there's none left, whichever comes first.

I've noticed that my drinking goes in cycles, I'll cut down for a while, go for a few days without a drop but it always builds up again.

Recently (usually after I'm two thirds down a bottle) I've told myself that I'll lay off it for a while but I haven't. If anything it's got worse. I've started choosing the wine or the beer that's the strongest and not necessarily the one I like the taste of most.

Recently I've been getting home after work and opening the wine I've just bought straight away; not even pausing to get changed out of my work gear or cook some dinner. Just sitting in the kitchen and drinking on an empty stomach to maximise the effects.

I've got a list of jobs to do around the house as long as both my arms but at weekends instead of being productive I'll start to drink at around midday. Hopeless!

Everything I enjoy doing in life revolves round drinking. Going out - have a drink. Cooking - have a drink. Meet up with friends - have a drink. Go for a walk - hmm, make sure it ends in a country pub.

I've got a new girlfriend, she's lovely and she loves a drink. We've been going out to gigs and clubs having an absolutely fantastic time. God we love a drink. Last weekend we went from pub to pub, we had so much fun, smoked a few joints and staggered out when I was just too tired to carry on. That was 7.30am, what a blast!

So it would appear I have a problem with alcohol but I can't imagine a life without it. I just love it it and the fun it brings into my life.

That said I'm sick of the hangovers and it feels a bit like it's starting to control my life. It's certainly a massive part of my life and I don't like that thought.

I'm on day three.

Wish me luck.

ScottFromWI

Welcome to SR Tufty and thanks for sharing your story. Take solace in knowing that while each of our situations are unique, the overall theme of your story is a very familiar one and we understand exactly what you are going through. Realizing that alcohol is a problem is a big step - you should be commended for doing so, you obviously did a very thorough analysis of your drinking. The fact that you can name a lot of things that you "haven't" done is common too - you don't have to be a daily blackout drinker to know that alcohol is a problem.

You'll find a lot of support and understanding here, hope we can be of help.

Anna

What I know is that you need to completely motivated to stop drinking and live a sober life. It sounds like you are unsure at this point and unwilling to give up the fun you are having. I hope you stick around and read and see that you can live a happy and full life without alcohol.

doggonecarl

Welcome to SR.

The longer you are sober, the more ludicrous that statement will sound. Of course there is life without alcohol and fun can be had without drinking. But can you make the changes in your life to support the decision to quit?

More importantly, can your girlfriend?

TP770

Well, I can tell you that your story sounds a lot like mine. I can also tell you that after 24 days sober myself...the urges don't get easier but life gets better. Every aspect of my life is more fruitful and productive without alcohol.

My relationships are better and like you I have things to do that are actually getting done.

Hey man, you can do it!!! One sober day at a time and when faced with the offer to drink...just graciously decline and sit back and learn who your real friends are. Hang in there...you can do it!!!

Opivotal

Welcome tufty!

The consequences for alcoholics are different for everyone. I see big time warning signs... that being said, I agree with Anna. You have to want to stop, why not try 30 days alcohol free?

Soberwolf

Welcome Tufty

JD

Hi tufty, welcome to SR. If you think you have a problem and want to quit drinking this is a great place. We range from the truly horrific drinking history to what an outsider wouldn't recognize as a problem. I've never had a run in with law, lost a job, drank to blackout, or anything else terrible, i'm luckier than others. But alcohol was creeping into my life and it was only a matter of time before bad stuff started happening.

If you're seeing alcohol as becoming a problem in your life then now is the time to address that. Hope you find what you're looking for here.

Hawkeye13

Unfortunately, alcoholism is progressive.

Maybe what wasn't a problem is becoming one.

Many of us here hold jobs, don't have debt, are loving parents and spouses.
These other things doesn't mean you can't also have a serious and evolving dependence on booze.

Try a month off--that will let you know how addicted you actually are.

Welcome to SR tufty

Saskia

Welcome, Tufty!

For many years I followed a similar pattern - never in trouble with the law, never tried to drink and drive, never had a drink before my offspring was in bed, asleep, etc etc. And I could even stop on a dime with no problem. So I wasn't really an alcoholic .... I wasn't a skid row bum ... I was financially responsible, etc.

And guess what - I really am an alcoholic. I finally reached a point where I was unable to stop. Even after being here for 2 years I still struggled. Finally I did an IOP (intensive outpatient program), AA, psychotherapy, etc and have now been sober nearly 15 months. I never want to go through that again. And, by the way, I have cirrhosis of the liver and will therefore always be at high risk for liver cancer. The risk of cirrhosis varies a great deal and is not necessarily drinking volume dependent.

So, now you tell me - is drinking really that much fun or is that your addicted brain cells talking?

OpenTuning

Hi Tufty, and welcome to the forums.

From reading your extensive cases for and against, I was in a very similar position as you. Certainly people were very surprised when I decided to quit 5 months ago.

So why did I do it? I was just plain tired of it. Tired of obsessing about alcohol. Tired of counting units, trying to keep under weekly levels I'd set myself, tired of thinking about whose round was next before I'd even started the pint already in front of me. Tired of worrying about what hideously embarrassing things I might say or do if I slipped up and had too much. Tired of being reminded of those things from the last time I slipped up. Tired of hangovers, of going into work but not getting much done. After a very intense 35 year relationship with alcohol, I just decided I'd had enough.

And the bottom line is, I don't regret quitting at all. Life is much, much better sober. I still meet friends at the pub, laugh, joke, enjoy good banter. I still go to gigs and have even more fun because I can stand at the front of the stage for hours without constantly needing the loo due to 6 pints of bitter sloshing about inside me (too much information?). I like waking up without hangovers. My relationship with my kids is even better now.

As others have said, you need to really want to stop, and maybe you haven't mentally reached that point yet. But it might be worth asking yourself what would need to happen for you to reach that point. Keep in mind that nobody's life was ever destroyed by sobriety. Alcohol, on the other hand...

DoubleFelix

Hi tufty13, I'm glad you posted!

Your post resonated with me, I came to the forum with a lot of the same questions and feelings. Out of all you wrote the thing that stuck out to me the most was:

"I can rarely have just one drink, I have to keep on drinking till I reach "that point" or there's none left, whichever comes first. "

Yes, I had this exact reaction whenever I drank too (and so did loads of other people here)! What I've learned since being on SR is that most people don't feel this way when they drink - most people can truly take it or leave it. Have you ever seen someone drink half a glass of wine and then leave the rest? How did you feel? I always feel amazed and sort of frustrated! They are doing something I can't do! This inability to stop once you've started is generally regarded as a classic red flag. There's a popular saying - it doesn't matter how much you drink, but how you react when you do. We're all different here but we share this basically quality, and it has negatively impacted our lives.

When I first arrived with these questions people suggested, as they have now, to try thirty days sober and then reflect, and I encourage you to do the same. I know it is scary and hard, it is very possible that you will learn things about your relationship to alcohol that you'd rather not know. But as many have already said, this is a progression condition that will worsen with time. You owe it to yourself (and your kids!) to give it a go. You've already taken a great first step posting here, I hope you continue to read and post in the future. Welcome!

oak

Welcome to SR! There are lots of people here with similar stories.

Like you, I had red flags but also lots of ways I was 'not as bad as others who drank' (including my dad). But when I look at the underlying reason why I drank, it was obvious that alcohol meant way too much to me.

I am so much happier sober. But when I last drank, I was sure that I could not live without alcohol.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Tufty!!

Dee74

There's some awesome wisdom here Tufty.

to me it sounds like the cons already dwarf the pros, and that's only going to get more pronounced the longer you drink, trust me.

I fought tooth and nail not to change - but when I did I rediscovered a me I'd forgotten about and a really genuinely awesome life to live.

I've never regretted it Tufty - honestly

D

teatreeoil007

Welcome to SR! Your post and story probably resonates with many here. At some point we have all loved to drink and part of the feeling (s) it gave us...the fun...the partying...the hanging loose...going out and dancing...many people can "loosen up" and have more fun dancing after drinking a certain amount...some people cannot even start to dance until they have had a certain amount of ETOH....

It's all enjoyable and pleasurable up to a certain point! ... But then there comes a point in which it starts to actually ROB you of pleasure! Something to think about!

Anytime we put something in our bodies that cross the blood-brain-barrier we are altering our brain chemistry....!! This sets off warning bells in me as I have always been very health conscious and still am...the main reason I turned to alcohol at my age was insomnia and depression, NOT to have GOOD TIME...but I 'GET' that everyone drinks for their own REASON...there is a REASON behind: *every* *single* *human* *behavior* ....there is a "why".

When we EXPLORE the *why*...we can get to bottom of it....and we can come to a good turning point in our lives....and head off in a better direction!

** You have indicated you drink because you ENJOY it and have fun with it....I totally get that as that is why I drank and partied in college...BUT I had a wake call in my early '20's and I just knew it wasn't healthy and would in the long run take FROM my ABILITY TO ENJOY LIFE.....[eventually]...that is what alcohol eventually does if it is abused repetitively!! It affects the brain in a negative way...and it affects the body in a negative way...I think of it like a slow POISONING...yeah, no denying the "feel good" stage people get...but it is SOOOOOoooooo possible to get a better "feel good" from things that are healthier - rejuvenate yourself so that your brain manufactures the feel-good neurotransmitters in better supply **

I have found that I get much better, longer lasting, and blissful (peace/joy) feelings from eating right, FITNESS, fresh outdoor air, good music, and meditation ......... i also have my Faith in God, my church*which is like an ANCHOR for my soul !!!!

I have my different families: A group of souls journeying on in this life: My natural family, my work family, my music family, my spiritual family, and now, my recovery family. It's freakin' awesome....

For me: recovery is "soul work"...it's new Life...it's connecting on a much higher level....I am discovering that the "recovery community" is a wonderful one that is supportive, kind, caring, attentive, you name it, it's just a very healthy thing....and I'm so glad I found it...

Think about this: How do you want to live out the rest of your days? In an alcoholic haze or fulling engaging in blissful ways?

Alcohol is DECEITFUL, though....at certain times it makes you feel like you are FULLY ENGAGING, but you are NOT!! So, I caution you to not be deceived by the haze of alcohol and hangovers and behaviors that only feel good on a temporary basis. I hope I don't sound 'preachy' here, because I sure as heck don't like it when people preach at me! ! ! ! This is meant to MOTIVATE you by getting you to think about it differently.

Take Care ...

and


Blessed Be....

Pray about it too!

Hevyn

It's great to meet you, Tufty. Thanks for a well written, insightful post. You're very self aware, which helps.

I felt the same way about drinking, just before my world fell apart. Like you, all the fun things in my life revolved around it. I couldn't imagine being without my buffer - how boring life would be. So I kept going. I tried every trick I could think of to manage it - to use willpower so I could hold on to it. Nothing worked. Every time it was in my system, unpredictable things happened. I'd have a bit of success with moderation - become overly confident that I was 'handling' it - and the next time I'd drink until I blacked out. Dangerous things began to happen - I was losing respect at work, my friends & family were disappointed and scared. I literally drank 24/7 in the end. That's when I found SR. I'm so glad you're here to talk things over. We all understand, like the 'normies' can't. You're in good company - welcome - and congratulations on Day 3.

Eddiebuckle

Not, never, don’t, never, don’t, never, nothing like, no way…

…yet.

The thing about yet, is it creeps into your life in subtle ways and so gradually you barely notice it. Until you cannot deny it. You don’t have to experience what yet feels like. Unless you insist that you are not, never, nothing like, and in no way like "those people."

Reluctantly admitting that I was one of those people was the hardest thing I have ever done. It was also the beginning of the best days of my life.

Good luck, you can do this!

Girlie928

Welcome Tufty. Oh, if only I had quit drinking before the bad things started to happen. I didn't even recognize some of the bad things that had happened until I quit. Give it a try. You don't have to take it all the way. Be well.

Soberween

Where you are now in your relationship with alcohol is about where I was when I decided I wanted to get sober. I could see that it kept escalating. There was a time when I would drink once a month on a weekend, then it began to be every weekend and then it started to be almost every night after work. I started to feel completely enslaved to it. One thing that made me quit that you don't seem to have experienced yet was that I kept hurting myself. I fell and hit my head. Another time I broke my wrist. I wasn't even that wasted when these things happened as I clearly remember them and was not in a black out. I started to be concerned that I would accidentally kill myself in some freak accident if I didn't stop. I have several years under my belt now and life has never been better. Just keep in mind that this is a progressive disease and if you see it escalating you may want to seek a sober life.