Does this Resonate with Anyone?
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Join Date: Aug 2015
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Well done, Tufty. The way you're looking at this sounds spot on. I'm not particularly interested in labels either. You've identified a problem with alcohol and you're taking the right action to deal with it. Starting a new sober way of life. Congratulations.
I also didn't go the AA route, and as mentioned before one of the great things about SR is it caters for all different approaches, not just AA. Personally, the key for me was reading about AVRT in the Secular Connections section of these forums, then doing the AVRT Crash Course which you can search for online. Learning where that inner voice demanding alcohol was coming from really helped me learn how to ignore it.
I also found Allen Carr's Easy Way to Control Your Drinking book a real help. Exploded all the myths and lies about alcohol that my AV was repeating to me.
I already let alcohol dominate my life and thinking for the last 35 years. My goal now is to simply enjoy a brilliant new sober life. Doesn't mean my AV won't pop up now and then, which it does still do, but I feel I have the tools now to dismiss it again and treat it with the contempt it deserves.
I also didn't go the AA route, and as mentioned before one of the great things about SR is it caters for all different approaches, not just AA. Personally, the key for me was reading about AVRT in the Secular Connections section of these forums, then doing the AVRT Crash Course which you can search for online. Learning where that inner voice demanding alcohol was coming from really helped me learn how to ignore it.
I also found Allen Carr's Easy Way to Control Your Drinking book a real help. Exploded all the myths and lies about alcohol that my AV was repeating to me.
I already let alcohol dominate my life and thinking for the last 35 years. My goal now is to simply enjoy a brilliant new sober life. Doesn't mean my AV won't pop up now and then, which it does still do, but I feel I have the tools now to dismiss it again and treat it with the contempt it deserves.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
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I went out to see a couple of different people last night and didn't find it too difficult.
I returned a book to a friend of 15 years, she offered me a glass of wine but I declined. I told her that I wasn't drinking any more as I was tired of the cycles and I felt it was time to do a bit of growing up. She knows I've got no balance and can't delay gratification.
She didn't bat an eyelid, she's the queen of moderation, only drinking the odd glass of wine now and then.
I then drove over to see another friend who is a heavy drinker, again when offered a drink I declined and told her that I thought I was an alcoholic. She just laughed and said "oh, we're all alcoholics dear". Her and her partner would each drink half a bottle of whiskey on a Friday and a Saturday night but nothing through the week.
Tonight I'm going to a birthday dinner, there will be booze there and I've already decided to leave early should my AV kick in.
I'm mindful that I'm putting myself in positions that could become tricky so early on in my sober journey and that's why I'm posting here. To make a commitment to myself and everyone on SR not to drink this evening.
I am a very sociable person, I like people and I don't believe that I will benefit from isolating myself and being a hermit.
Best wishes to everyone on their journey, day 18 for me. As ever, it's great to be here.
I returned a book to a friend of 15 years, she offered me a glass of wine but I declined. I told her that I wasn't drinking any more as I was tired of the cycles and I felt it was time to do a bit of growing up. She knows I've got no balance and can't delay gratification.
She didn't bat an eyelid, she's the queen of moderation, only drinking the odd glass of wine now and then.
I then drove over to see another friend who is a heavy drinker, again when offered a drink I declined and told her that I thought I was an alcoholic. She just laughed and said "oh, we're all alcoholics dear". Her and her partner would each drink half a bottle of whiskey on a Friday and a Saturday night but nothing through the week.
Tonight I'm going to a birthday dinner, there will be booze there and I've already decided to leave early should my AV kick in.
I'm mindful that I'm putting myself in positions that could become tricky so early on in my sober journey and that's why I'm posting here. To make a commitment to myself and everyone on SR not to drink this evening.
I am a very sociable person, I like people and I don't believe that I will benefit from isolating myself and being a hermit.
Best wishes to everyone on their journey, day 18 for me. As ever, it's great to be here.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 507
Well done on your progress so far. And I also didn't think in the long term shutting myself away is the answer, though in the early days I did rearrange what I did to try and cut down the occasions where drinking was a focus of the activity. For example, I used to meet friends every Weds night at the pub (heavy drinking), and usually had a band rehearsal on Fridays (no drinking). So I switched the band rehearsals to Weds nights and would catch up with friends for afternoon coffees instead.
After a couple of months I'd start to join in on Weds night drinks again, sticking to cranberry and soda, but I felt more secure at that point, which was useful because of all the questioning I got about not drinking. I don't go every week any more, but they're used to me not drinking now and it's good fun.
Your friends won't notice if you miss a few events over the next few weeks while your brain continues to rewire itself. You may well be fine and totally secure in your sobriety already, but it does feel a little bit like you're playing with matches in a fireworks factory.
After a couple of months I'd start to join in on Weds night drinks again, sticking to cranberry and soda, but I felt more secure at that point, which was useful because of all the questioning I got about not drinking. I don't go every week any more, but they're used to me not drinking now and it's good fun.
Your friends won't notice if you miss a few events over the next few weeks while your brain continues to rewire itself. You may well be fine and totally secure in your sobriety already, but it does feel a little bit like you're playing with matches in a fireworks factory.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
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Morning all, I'm just checking in here and staying close to you wonderful people. Writing and reading here is such a help to me.
I went out last night to a friend's birthday celebration and it went really well. There was booze everywhere and I wasn't even tempted, it wasn't hard at all*. The thought of drinking actually reviled me.
I can't tell you how happy I am, I actually feel free. It's like now the option of alcohol consumption is off the table......all these OTHER options are opening up to me. It's like my life has expanded tenfold, it's so much bigger that it was just a few weeks ago. I feel like for the first time in years I have genuine options available to me. The saying "less is more" has new meaning to me.
It amazes me that less than three weeks ago I didn't even think I was an alcoholic but here I am, just 19 days in and discovering a new way of life that is richer than I could have imagined.
*I'm mindful that the work of staying sober never stops. I think my AV will be as loud as ever if I become complacent. If I think for one minute I've cracked this then that is when I will be at my most vulnerable.
Best wishes to everyone here.
I went out last night to a friend's birthday celebration and it went really well. There was booze everywhere and I wasn't even tempted, it wasn't hard at all*. The thought of drinking actually reviled me.
I can't tell you how happy I am, I actually feel free. It's like now the option of alcohol consumption is off the table......all these OTHER options are opening up to me. It's like my life has expanded tenfold, it's so much bigger that it was just a few weeks ago. I feel like for the first time in years I have genuine options available to me. The saying "less is more" has new meaning to me.
It amazes me that less than three weeks ago I didn't even think I was an alcoholic but here I am, just 19 days in and discovering a new way of life that is richer than I could have imagined.
*I'm mindful that the work of staying sober never stops. I think my AV will be as loud as ever if I become complacent. If I think for one minute I've cracked this then that is when I will be at my most vulnerable.
Best wishes to everyone here.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 507
Excellent stuff, really good to hear.
Yes, the voice you need to be really careful of now is the one that says "see, you've proven you aren't an alcoholic because you've gone X days without a drink, and didn't even want one. So why not try moderate drinking?". This forum is full of stories of people who listened to that voice, with the inevitable trip right back into their problem drinking again. I've decided to skip that stage of trying and failing to drink moderately, and will just stick to being sober, thanks very much.
Yes, the voice you need to be really careful of now is the one that says "see, you've proven you aren't an alcoholic because you've gone X days without a drink, and didn't even want one. So why not try moderate drinking?". This forum is full of stories of people who listened to that voice, with the inevitable trip right back into their problem drinking again. I've decided to skip that stage of trying and failing to drink moderately, and will just stick to being sober, thanks very much.
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Thank you Opentuning, I appreciate you posting here and the help and advice you're offering.
It's useful and I'm heeding it, I will be very aware of the AV traps, not least because of my own cycle of cutting down and stopping periodically, only for my consumption to build again to a point where I sicken myself.
Thanks again.
It's useful and I'm heeding it, I will be very aware of the AV traps, not least because of my own cycle of cutting down and stopping periodically, only for my consumption to build again to a point where I sicken myself.
Thanks again.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 561
The cunning voice is so tricky
Originally Posted by tufty13 
There was booze everywhere and I wasn't even tempted, it wasn't hard at all*. The thought of drinking actually reviled me.
*I'm mindful that the work of staying sober never stops. I think my AV will be as loud as ever if I become complacent. If I think for one minute I've cracked this then that is when I will be at my most vulnerable.
Best wishes to everyone here.
*I'm mindful that the work of staying sober never stops. I think my AV will be as loud as ever if I become complacent. If I think for one minute I've cracked this then that is when I will be at my most vulnerable.
Best wishes to everyone here.
I didn't believe people about it until I experienced it myself. 1.5 years sobriety I thought "I can drink again!" Nope, after a few months it was back to overdrinking.
Here's the scarier example. It worries me as I type this actually. I'm a little over 3 months. Six days ago I posted a reply to you that showed commitment to sobriety and sound logic....
Last night awaiting a work reception I almost ordered a drink at the bar. It happened so quickly. The thought "I think I can drink again" and an urge to order.
Then I remembered this website and a quote that I say to myself: never EVER let anything come in between you and your sobriety.
But Tufty I gotta be honest. It was a close call and it scared me. Be careful in those situations where booze are flowing. Sometimes the mind becomes impulsive, irrational, and unsafe.
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Originally Posted by Tamerua
I didn't drink liquor, just wine and beer and not everyday). What I have learned is that the amount or type don't matter. How it makes you feel and the way it lowers your expectations of yourself are what matters.
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Originally Posted by SportsFan15
As a frI end in this journey with you, I must respectfully warn you that the lying voice is extremely tricky, unpredictable, and quick.
I didn't believe people about it until I experienced it myself. 1.5 years sobriety I thought "I can drink again!" Nope, after a few months it was back to overdrinking.
Here's the scarier example. It worries me as I type this actually. I'm a little over 3 months. Six days ago I posted a reply to you that showed commitment to sobriety and sound logic....
Last night awaiting a work reception I almost ordered a drink at the bar. It happened so quickly. The thought "I think I can drink again" and an urge to order.
Then I remembered this website and a quote that I say to myself: never EVER let anything come in between you and your sobriety.
But Tufty I gotta be honest. It was a close call and it scared me. Be careful in those situations where booze are flowing. Sometimes the mind becomes impulsive, irrational, and unsafe.
I didn't believe people about it until I experienced it myself. 1.5 years sobriety I thought "I can drink again!" Nope, after a few months it was back to overdrinking.
Here's the scarier example. It worries me as I type this actually. I'm a little over 3 months. Six days ago I posted a reply to you that showed commitment to sobriety and sound logic....
Last night awaiting a work reception I almost ordered a drink at the bar. It happened so quickly. The thought "I think I can drink again" and an urge to order.
Then I remembered this website and a quote that I say to myself: never EVER let anything come in between you and your sobriety.
But Tufty I gotta be honest. It was a close call and it scared me. Be careful in those situations where booze are flowing. Sometimes the mind becomes impulsive, irrational, and unsafe.
I do already have those thoughts and feelings about drinking again. Not particularly when I'm out and on my guard, more when I'm at home and my mind just wanders.
I've often caught myself thinking "well this is going well, I could probably start drinking again in moderation". These thoughts are quite frequent.
I'm really not sure what to do about invitations to be sociable, it feels like I should be exposing myself to situations where booze is free flowing so I can retrain my brain to handle those situations sober whilst my resolve is steadfast and my motivation high. Or is that just my AV talking?
Would it be better to isolate myself from people and booze completely? Long term that's unrealistic but any advice from SR would be welcome.
Here's to a sober weekend, good luck to all on their journeys.
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Loneliness is more of a risk factor than proximity to booze for me. And knowing that about myself, I agree with you that practicing being near it and staying sober is very important. I've also read studies that show that ability to be in such situations without giving in is one of the strongest indicators for long-term sobriety (15+ years).
That said, it's important to do it carefully. Luckily most of my friends' social events aren't booze-focused, just booze-inclusive, so I generally don't feel the presence of alcohol that much. But during certain seasons (Halloween, New Years, parts of summer) where I might get invited to 3 or 4 events in one week that involve lots of alcohol, I try to limit my total exposure... either by only going to a few, or by not staying too long. Even if it feels ok at the time, I do think that it wears me down subconsciously to spend too much time around only the best face of drinking.
Sounds like you're already doing the other thing I recommend, which is making sure that key people know you've quit, are serious about it, and think you have problems with alcohol. A few times when I've had moments of insanity, it's been helpful to know that my friends would be concerned if I suddenly decided to drink.
And finally, keep an eye on your progress and make adjustments accordingly. I had a terrible relapse after which I'd quit for a month, a couple weeks, etc, and then relapse. That period lasted for a year and a half, and I kept trying to go to events with booze... that was a very, very big mistake. I was way too weak for that at that time. I was mostly drinking alone, but a few of those short quits ended at parties because I was forcing myself to act strong when I wasn't.
It's important to balance heavily with social events where no one's drinking, too... it helps to reinforce in your mind that sober events don't have to just be people standing around not drinking. I love having sober ex-alcoholic friends, but also I love hanging out with people who don't drink much and never really have. It's a window onto a totally different social life.
That said, it's important to do it carefully. Luckily most of my friends' social events aren't booze-focused, just booze-inclusive, so I generally don't feel the presence of alcohol that much. But during certain seasons (Halloween, New Years, parts of summer) where I might get invited to 3 or 4 events in one week that involve lots of alcohol, I try to limit my total exposure... either by only going to a few, or by not staying too long. Even if it feels ok at the time, I do think that it wears me down subconsciously to spend too much time around only the best face of drinking.
Sounds like you're already doing the other thing I recommend, which is making sure that key people know you've quit, are serious about it, and think you have problems with alcohol. A few times when I've had moments of insanity, it's been helpful to know that my friends would be concerned if I suddenly decided to drink.
And finally, keep an eye on your progress and make adjustments accordingly. I had a terrible relapse after which I'd quit for a month, a couple weeks, etc, and then relapse. That period lasted for a year and a half, and I kept trying to go to events with booze... that was a very, very big mistake. I was way too weak for that at that time. I was mostly drinking alone, but a few of those short quits ended at parties because I was forcing myself to act strong when I wasn't.
It's important to balance heavily with social events where no one's drinking, too... it helps to reinforce in your mind that sober events don't have to just be people standing around not drinking. I love having sober ex-alcoholic friends, but also I love hanging out with people who don't drink much and never really have. It's a window onto a totally different social life.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
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Originally Posted by tufty13
I'm really not sure what to do about invitations to be sociable, it feels like I should be exposing myself to situations where booze is free flowing so I can retrain my brain to handle those situations sober whilst my resolve is steadfast and my motivation high. Or is that just my AV talking?
Would it be better to isolate myself from people and booze completely? Long term that's unrealistic but any advice from SR would be welcome.
Would it be better to isolate myself from people and booze completely? Long term that's unrealistic but any advice from SR would be welcome.
Originally Posted by tufty13
Everything I enjoy doing in life revolves round drinking. Going out - have a drink. Cooking - have a drink. Meet up with friends - have a drink. Go for a walk - hmm, make sure it ends in a country pub. .
So I'm wondering if the question is not so much shutting yourself away vs being sociable. But rather that it might be an idea to really examine your current social life and decide whether that's the one you want to have as a sober person? In the same way you appear to have moulded your social life around your drinking, maybe you could explore ways to gradually re-mould it to better suit being sober. New hobbies, sports, social activities, social circles that aren't centred around booze. I still love going to gigs, and enjoy them more sober. I had one set of friends who didn't drink much, and another who were heavy drinkers. Guess which ones I used to hang out with the most before I quit? Guess who I'm trying to hang out with more now?
I'm not suggesting drastic, immediate action about this, but just seems to me that your current lifestyle and not drinking might be a constant source of tension, and temptation for your AV to exploit.
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When I first posted on SR I was a little confused as to whether or not I was an alcoholic. I felt I needed to give my body a break for a few days but beyond that I wasn't sure.
Amongst all the amazing advice I was given was to try 30 days sober and find out for myself.
Well today is my day 30 and once again I want to reach out and express my gratitude to everyone on SR and especially those who responded to my first post with their words of wisdom.
I would also like to encourage any lurkers reading this to also try the "30 day challenge" if they think their drinking might be causing concern. You have absolutely nothing to lose and so much to gain.
So I've learned that alcohol was holding me back and preventing me living a full life. I really did believe it was adding something when the truth is it was stealing from me.
It stole my motivation and my joie de vivre. It stole my health and my money.
Today I'm more present, I'm productive and my physical appearance has improved enough for people to comment.
The best thing is that I am so much happier. My life is already fuller than it has been for many a long year.
I had forgotten that life can be so fulfilling and I will not, go back to the bottle. Not ever.
Amongst all the amazing advice I was given was to try 30 days sober and find out for myself.
Well today is my day 30 and once again I want to reach out and express my gratitude to everyone on SR and especially those who responded to my first post with their words of wisdom.
I would also like to encourage any lurkers reading this to also try the "30 day challenge" if they think their drinking might be causing concern. You have absolutely nothing to lose and so much to gain.
So I've learned that alcohol was holding me back and preventing me living a full life. I really did believe it was adding something when the truth is it was stealing from me.
It stole my motivation and my joie de vivre. It stole my health and my money.
Today I'm more present, I'm productive and my physical appearance has improved enough for people to comment.
The best thing is that I am so much happier. My life is already fuller than it has been for many a long year.
I had forgotten that life can be so fulfilling and I will not, go back to the bottle. Not ever.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 507
What a fantastic post to read first thing in the morning! For me it felt like I'd had a dark filter between me and the world for so many years. Removing it has made a huge difference to my life. Well done, and it's terrific that you feel so motivated to make this change permanent.
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Day 31 for me and I'm happy with my progress to date although I suspect the real work starts now.
I'm not getting complacent but I am going out to watch a couple of indie bands with my girlfriend this evening. This will be my first sober gig so I'm interested to see how it feels.
I'm too grateful for this new way of being to be tempted to drink, however, just in case my AV does find its voice I will make a commitment to myself and everyone who has given me so much support and encouragement on this thread NOT TO DRINK this evening.
Warm wishes to everyone here on their own personal journeys.
I'm not getting complacent but I am going out to watch a couple of indie bands with my girlfriend this evening. This will be my first sober gig so I'm interested to see how it feels.
I'm too grateful for this new way of being to be tempted to drink, however, just in case my AV does find its voice I will make a commitment to myself and everyone who has given me so much support and encouragement on this thread NOT TO DRINK this evening.
Warm wishes to everyone here on their own personal journeys.
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