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Class of October 2015 Part 2

Old 10-12-2015, 08:31 PM
  # 161 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by grizzlybearblue View Post
Haha, Help, that reminds me of me watching the walking dead last night. I watched every episode religiously, a lot of them numerous times, but I was always drunk. So last night sober me was like, "I vaguely remember that happening...kinda...I think...". Thank you for the poems! That was some interesting insight. I'm pretty happy today. Usually that would scare me then I would proceed to sabotage the s**t outta myself. For a long time I was afraid of being happy. I would think, "no, you're not really that happy, you gotta take it down a few notches" (maybe it was more of a subconscious thought, but it was there). I figured my happiness was very fleeting g so I had better not get used to it. So in order to not get used to it, I'd sabotage happiness at its earliest onset. I'm feeling pretty good lately though, and I've decided to just enjoy the ride. I know I'm not always going to have happy days, and my days won't always be easy, but for today, "I'm riding the highs, I'm digging the lows cuz at least I feel alive" (Michelle Branch).
Re the walking dead: Right?!? I'm the same with Mad Men, but I don't think I can recommit to that. TWD I totally can tho

I relate to the happiness sabotaging thing, though I think for me I had a different reason. There's a part of me that doesn't think happiness for me is like ... authentic? Real? Me-ish? Like, why should I be allowed to be happy when I have neither perfected myself nor changed the world? Which is an insane-ass thought, because I'm probably never going to do either of those things, and I only ever made myself hate myself by wanting them; that led me to drink more, and that led me to be a person who was neither happy nor trying to accomplish things. So yeah, I have trouble with the idea of going with it when I feel happy, but I know I need to. I don't know if you relate to that at all, but that's why I nip my own happiness in the bud.
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Old 10-12-2015, 08:38 PM
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So now that I've already posted approximately 1,000 times to this thread already, I'll just say: Hello, I'm closing out day 23.

Worked all day, got home feeling very blah and like, thinking of having a drink in a very abstract way.

Sometimes I think that my cravings are my addiction talking, sure.

But these persistent, "Maybe you can control it now," kinds of thoughts feel more like me, being arrogant and ****** and thinking I can handle anything. They're the only thoughts that, when they come, I don't want help with them. They don't feel external like cravings do, like thoughts of "**** it" do, or like romanticizing does. They feel like my own stupid thoughts.

I don't know. It doesn't particularly matter so far. I find that getting on here will always give me a thread in short order where someone says something like, "I thought this time I could control it, and then I woke up painted like I'm in the blue man group and I don't know why, and I'm allergic to blue, I've got to stop doing this to myself," and such threads can usually set me right. I've screenshotted some too :p

I'm just being dumb and philosophical.

Anyway, I went for a run after dinner and felt much better. I'm so unstable sometimes these days. Taking simple actions can change my mood so drastically I feel a little insane. I trust these are the mood swings of early recovery that I hear so much about. Okay.

I can't promise I won't post anything else tonight. I'm apparently in a posty mood.
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Old 10-12-2015, 08:55 PM
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But these persistent, "Maybe you can control it now," kinds of thoughts feel more like me, being arrogant and ****** and thinking I can handle anything. They're the only thoughts that, when they come, I don't want help with them. They don't feel external like cravings do, like thoughts of "**** it" do, or like romanticizing does. They feel like my own stupid thoughts.
Sometimes we listen to that voice so long, it sounds like us.

It's not tho - from this perspective I can tell you that there's a real you inside trying to get out.

Give that you all the help you can helpimalive

D
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Old 10-12-2015, 09:25 PM
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I just want to cry. Can't sleep !!
Hot bath, melatonin, out of sleep meds for next 4/5 days.
Broke down and drank a few beers ( which is next to nothing for me), but I know that's not gonna do any good at all. God whT a worry wart I am. I hope I can stop this.
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Old 10-12-2015, 09:37 PM
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Hello everyone,
I'm back for day 1 again. Made it. I've been down a rabbit hole for some months and I'm done. Time to look for the exit out of the hole again.
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Old 10-12-2015, 09:42 PM
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Originally Posted by JL2014 View Post
I just want to cry. Can't sleep !! Hot bath, melatonin, out of sleep meds for next 4/5 days. Broke down and drank a few beers ( which is next to nothing for me), but I know that's not gonna do any good at all. God whT a worry wart I am. I hope I can stop this.
Sleep was hard for me for the first four nights or so. It came back after that for me tho. The first few rough nights are worth it.
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Old 10-13-2015, 03:18 AM
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Needtopost, I am sure the list was made up of things to help not drink not just "need to stop drinking". Dee has mentioned several times to have a plan. When the triggers come and the voice starts telling you it's ok to have a drink you need a list of things you can do to help you get through those times. Some people make a list of daily activities also inspired to keep them busy to help not drink. It does work if you work it.
Help, glad your posting it don't matter how much, lol. You have good insight!
JL brush of and start again. Better look at a stronger plan. It shouldn't be that easy to fall down again.
60, good to see you too.

It all starts with you. Nobody else, nothing else, not a perfect day to quit not when things in your life go right. Life is life. You've numbed those feelings too long. Time to change your life. Can't live a sober life still existing in your drunk life. You have to change everything including your thinking to start leading a life of recovery. That's when you'll feel awesome! Give it a try. What you got to lose?
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Old 10-13-2015, 03:19 AM
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Welcome 60. Glad you are climbing out of the rabbit hole again with us.

JL-
Sorry about your sleep issues and the beer. Today is a new day. Don't let your mind fool you that you should continue since you only had a "few". I know my mind plays that game with me all too well. Thinking of you.

Help and need - I am all about lists too! Of course only when I'm not drinking. I have a little planner book that I'm writing in constantly - but once I start a drinking cycle, I don't even open it. Its like that part of me disappears. And I miss her.
Top my list also is no drinking. Nothing changes in my life if I don't. From little things like cleaning out a closet to big things like relationships or taking care of myself.

Despite my being sober for 4 days, I find myself thinking old unrealistic thoughts about my ex, kinda like I do when I'm drinking. I blocked him on my phone a month ago but I've been playing this game with myself and unblocking him for a day or a night to see if he will contact me. What am I ... 16?? And I've come awfully close to contacting him - email or text- Which I simply cannot do. There is nothing to be said, it's like chasing my own tail. And he is toxic for me.

Anyway, on to day 5. Both my daughters' birthdays are in the next week so it's busy and expensive! I make a big fuss over their birthdays - always have- and honestly put too much pressure on myself. I'm sure it's my guilt and trying to make it up to them that their dad is such a Sh••**t and Barely in their lives ( this is not my ex I spoke of earlier) . I just like to make it nice for them and Love to see them happy and feel special - because they are

Your posts are keeping me going - thank you to all, let's stick together.
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Old 10-13-2015, 03:21 AM
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Ps Fabl, be strong! Give it all you got, you're worth it!
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Old 10-13-2015, 03:51 AM
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On the right track, sleep or not. ! Gotta do it today. Sober day for me .
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Old 10-13-2015, 04:07 AM
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Yes, you can do it JL 2014!!

Day 3 for me. Plugging away at this one day at a time. I feel some relief that my worst days are behind me. I don't know what life is going to throw at me, but I do know that I don't have to drink over it, whatever it may be. Lesson learned, alcohol makes a bad day 10 times worse.

Happy Tuesday to all
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Old 10-13-2015, 04:23 AM
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Today is Day 13. Yesterday I faced some big challenges--it was a beautiful day, I was out and about in the city, I had no responsibilities, and treated myself to a beautiful lunch on an outdoor patio--how I wanted a beer or a glass of white wine! I drank my sparkling water and it was fine.

Later, I had dinner plans with a friend who also loves to drink outside on a beautiful day. Normally, we would have sat outside and had a few pints of beer. I told him that I wasn't drinking and he suggested we grab a tea and go for a walk instead.

It was FINE. I had a great day off.
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Old 10-13-2015, 05:31 AM
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Juno, you know I'm cheering you on!
Beeme, proud for your 13 days! Way to go!
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Old 10-13-2015, 05:42 AM
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Ugh, iPad just froze up and I lost my whole post. grrrrrrrrrrrr!!!
Don't have it in me to rewrite and I've got to get out the door for work.

For now - hello, friends. finally just got caught up on the thread. Yay. :P

Have a beautiful, lovely, sober day and remember, you're strong and you got this!!!!

Ciao
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Old 10-13-2015, 08:36 AM
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Hi everyone. I think this is day 2? I don't know. Anyway I just wanted to check in. Yesterday's family event was great. There was only one thing of mildly spiked apple cider...like, 7% cider mixed with half a pot of apple juice. There was another non alcoholic apple cider too since there were four of us who don't drink at all (and more who didn't drink "just because") so anyway. It wasn't that bad. There was a friend from India at our feast and he got to experience this cultural event for the first time! So, that was great.

Anyway, I'm off soon for a therapy appointment finally, and then shopping with sis. And then when I come back home I really need to clean, and eat leftovers!! :P

Sorry I feel kind of out of it and I'm trying to read other's posts but it's hard to focus. I'm also having troubles sleeping - I did read other people have the same problem. Take care everyone.
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Old 10-13-2015, 09:41 AM
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Member of the July class who's back to Day 2. This one hurts more than usual, and it's not just the cravings/hangover/PAWS. I managed to lose my job this time. I'm trying to look at it as a blessing because it was a massive source of stress at a time when I needed to be focused on my disease.

But I let a lot of people down. Thankfully, everyone I've talked to has been understanding. My wife was the biggest source of strength. In the past there would have been a lot of anger and threats after a mistake like this. Not this time. She saw how much pain I was in and really took charge of the situation. The last few years have been hell for her, but we've been together for more than fifteen. She believes in me, but knows that I can't give one inch to my disease. I need to treat it like diabetes, something I could have prevented but a manageable sickness.

I've taken the first step and, for the first time, I'm 100% committed to recovery. There's no job to worry about and no emotional abuse or constant shaming from my wife. I'll be posting every day to track my progress. I did that back in July and it was nice to go back and read my posts again. It reminded me that these feelings I'm having right now will pass. I can be healthy again. I just need to stay vigilant.

Thanks for reading this. I hope I'll never have to be in this position again, but it helps to hear that others have made it through similar situations.
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Old 10-13-2015, 10:39 AM
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Day 10 here. Feeling pretty good, but as a binge drinker, 10 days sober was the norm and usually the point where I would drink. However, I feel solid this time, and since I won't be traveling for my occupation the next few months, I won't be facing one my biggest obstacles.

Stay strong everyone, we can do this.
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Old 10-13-2015, 10:44 AM
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Layali, Strong, and Time2....stay strong...you can do it!

Use this post as a reference that SoberWolf posted for the September class.....
Read this stuff until you eyeballs fall out of your head...It works..engrave it in your brain...make it second nature! No, really it does help if you find things you can implement into your own life. Me, I was willing to do anything, "anything" to change my ways.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ful-links.html
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Old 10-13-2015, 12:07 PM
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Hi Team,

Just finished work! Yay
Gonna head to school in a bit then yoga and read for school tonight.
I try not to count days, but I do know when my 30 days will arrive, I'll celebrate then.

As for being jealous of drinking, I used to be, but not really anymore.
I don't want a couple social drinks, I want to sit on my deck alone and put down a bottle or two.

On that note, I don't feel like I'm being deprived or missing out, I allow alcohol to deprive me of so much; I've realized it's the other way around, I'm not missing out by getting sober, I miss out on EVERYTHING else when I do drink, I drink and hangover my life away.

I have cravings, but its more of a bad cycle of thought, rather than actually wanting to drink; I always think about "I could drink tonight, today, tomorrow etc",
If I have more sober time, I'm pretty sure I'll stop thinking about it so much at some point because it's not something I do anymore, it's years of a repeated thought pattern that needs to be corrected.
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Old 10-13-2015, 01:35 PM
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Time2rise. I am a binge drinker too and i also can go days without it affecting me but around day 4 i start to feel the pull. I have never been a every day drinker but i was moving my way up to it. I got to an every other day thing for awhile. That was really bad. Anyway i think 10 days is amazing whether your a binger or not. Just keep going.

JL- I have not slept well for two days. It is awful. I am out of my medication i take for sleeping as well and i can't get any refills. I have done melatonin but that doesn't always work for me. Last night was awful i just could not fall asleep. Probably because i drank two days ago. My body always does this. I will not be able to sleep for 3 days than at 3 days i finally sleep and then i am stupid and drink and the cycle starts all over. Why does alcohol mess with your sleep so much and for so many days? I am a zombie today!
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