FallAhead

Hello All,

I'm a secretive boozer. I hide it from friends and family. I work out, I go to work, I dance, I laugh and debate. But I drown myself nightly.

It has started problems though and my spouse is tired of it. This person loves me and is there and willing to support me. So why am I so scared of going home and not drinking tonight? Why does the idea of not drinking terrify me?

I'm scared of what it'll do to me. I'm scared of it, yet I'm scared to leave it.

I'm not sure how to start a thread or what to say. I was planning on quitting drinking 8/1. That's tomorrow, I'm sure most will say, just start now. I should - but 8/1 sounded like a starting point.

I'm reading what people write here and its amazing how similar our experiences are. How we are all normal, functioning people with the same relationship to something that hurts us.

well - I don't know what else to say. But I want to visit with you all daily so here is to my first official thread and the day before I take the plunge into sobriety.

Meraviglioso

Hello and welcome FallAhead, we are happy to have you here. The more people that join this supportive community, the better for all of us.
Your story sounds so similar to mine. I am also "functioning". I get up early, make my kids a hot breakfast, get them to school, get my work done, go to the gym, volunteer, am social, friendly, helpful, etc. But notice I put functioning in quotation marks. The truth is I am barely hanging on by a thread. And although I have been able to keep up outside appearances it is starting to slip. The time is now for me to stop. I also have a great boyfriend who while he doesn't really know what to do to help me, is there for me and loves me. But he is also sick of the drama and BS that surrounds my drinking.

I completely understand your fear. It IS scary to think about being without the crutch of alcohol. But once you can get past that initial phase I think you will find it wasn't a crutch at all but rather a huge hinderance to you being a happy, healthy, highly functioning person.

Have you ever read any books about alcoholism or written by alcoholics?
If you have some spare cash I would recommend buying these books because they are really amazing and you will probably want to turn to them again in the future. Otherwise if cash is tight I bet they have them at your local library.

Drinking: A Love Story by Caroline Knapp
Blackout: Remembering the Things I Drank to Forget by Sarah Hepola
Under the Influence: A Guide to the Myths and Realities of Alcoholism by James Robert Milam and Katherine Ketcham

I do understand about your 8/1 start date. Sometimes we need a minute to digest our decision, say goodbye and a nice even number as a fresh start. That said, yes, today would be even better. But no judgements here, we are here for you when you are ready.

BringingBackB

Welcome to SR FallAhead. I'm sure you will find a tonne of support here

NestWasEmpty

Hello FallAhead it's good you have decided to get sober . What your experiencing is your " alcoholic voice" ( AV) is the abbr. in here for it . I should speak for myself , but most alcoholic 's will get that feeling .
Reminds me of that saying Devil & Angel thing on your shoulders . For me that Devil always won , when I was drinking . After you have a few days of sobriety it's ( somewhat ) easier to fight it off !
That's wonderful that your better half is willing to be their for you . Will be a big help . Keep reading & posting get a plan going .

Ruby2

Welcome to SR. We're functioning, sort of, until we're not. And it all starts cascading downward. Stopping is scary. I was scared. Not drink? Really? I didn't know how to live without alcohol. It came to be how I defined myself. It was a lonely barren life, limited to getting drunk.

We can stop and have a lovely more fulfilling life but it requires change. Change is scary. Take it one day at a time. One day. We can all do one day.

Behan

What helped me make the big decision and stop was focusing on all the good stuff that stopping would bring by eliminating all of the negative destruction that alcohol has brought. For me, I realised that alcohol had generated a chemical delusion, fuelled by time, peer pressure, and advertising.

Any kind of change scares the bejajasus out of us all!! Just take it one step at a time buddy. Give a holler here if you need any help!!

B

Meraviglioso

Hi FallAhead, I realized when reading back through that I made an assumption about your gender. I assumed you are female, for whatever reason. You may in fact be a male. I bring this up only to say that the first two books I mentioned are written by women and touch heavily on the struggle with alcohol as a female. Not to say that they could not be useful for males, but they are particularly poignant for women.

FallAhead

Thank you Meraviglioso,
Yes – “functioning” in quotations. That’s it. I do all those things. But over the last year I have been realizing what I am truly doing to myself. Daily I am anxious, concerned for my health, sick of the random pains. I get worried about the damage I am doing to my body and THINK AND THINK about it and to calm myself down? I effing drink! WHAT!? I do the exact thing to calm down that I’M WORRIED about it. If I didn’t know how terrible that was I would almost find it comical.

I have had outbursts when I was drinking. They don’t happen all the time but my spouse has said that hanging out in public with me when I’m drinking is becoming unnerving. I’m unpredictable…He is unsure whether or not I am going to be happy and outgoing…or get upset and start acting like a fool. We refer to this as me losing myself. I know I’m a good person…but you wouldn’t think so if you’ve seen how I’ve acted sometimes. *so ashamed*

He has said that we can cut back together…but I’m thinking that is more than likely not going to be an option for me. I’m thinking I will need to cut it out completely.


Thank you BringingBackB.

NestWasEmpty – ahhh yes. I’ve read about that. When I tried to quit drinking months ago (a successful 4 days…*shrugs*) I would tell it to please leave me alone. It’s a cruel beast at times.


Ruby2 – you are right. One day at a time. I don’t want it to define me but thinking about not drinking is like, the weirdest thing I’ve ever heard. The last time I made a fool of myself my spouse wrote a nasty letter. He was severely hurt. He said that alcohol has become my best friend. I felt so terrible that he thought that way. Because I love him with my whole heart. But yet – I drank so much that I lost who I was and fell into the booze and said stupid things. So I guess I did chose the booze over him. I never want to do that again.

Behan – you are right. 100%. It is what it fuels … it hasn’t done me an good, except for forgetting the fool I can be.  and I love your quote.

All – is it inappropriate to ask how long people have drank and how much they would drink each day on this board?

FallAhead

Your assumption is correct.

I really do want to look into those books. I think I can maybe read them and not be intimidated by what I am reading.

I felt overwhelmed reading this stuff yesterday. But I'm almost feeling relived now that I am writing on this. I think this is going to help.

FallAhead

Seriously - thank you all SO MUCH for responding.

Anna

The way we get hooked is using alcohol to deal with life, then worrying about it and feeling guilty and then being scared to stop using it. It's an endless cycle until you take that leap of faith. You will be able to do this.

I also highly recommend "Drinking: A Love Story" by Caroline Knapp. It's a memoir written by a young, high-functioning alcoholic and her love affair with wine. It's deeply honest, and when I read it I knew that if she could do it, I could do it, too.

FallAhead

Yes - I've used it to deal with life for a long time.

I want to be strong enough to say I don't need it. You all are helping me see past the AV. It's going to take awhile and I'll visit daily. I don't want to keep talking my poor loves ear off about it.

He can only somewhat understand...

Thank you all - i'll get that book this weekend.

doggonecarl

Welcome to SR.

Hope you can manage to stick with your plan. I spent the last few years of my drinking planning to quit tomorrow. I succeeded in my sobriety when I moved my quit date from the future to the present. Another night of drinking is another night your addiction has to convince you to keep drinking.

Wish you luck.

Meraviglioso

Trust me, the books are written by women like you and I, alcoholics. They are not intimidating, they are eye opening and emotional, but anything but intimidating.

I am the same way, both my boyfriend and myself are often nervous about what a night out will bring. It is humiliating.

Come here for support when you need it, we understand. It is very difficult for a normal drinker to understand what we are going through. If you search back a few pages you will see a post I started titled "Relationship issues" talking about exactly that.

Meraviglioso

I think the only thing that is off limits on the boards are asking for or giving medical advice- you need to see your doctor for that or sexual come ons to other members. But a mod can help with that question.

To answer your question, I have been drinking heavily since I was 18, I am now 36. I had a 14 month stretch of sobriety at age 24. Last year I had a stretch of 46 days.
I am now fighting with every ounce of my being so am drinking a bit less, but more recently (ages 33-present) I had been drinking on average of two bottles of wine a day, sometimes three.
I always hung on to the fact that I never drank in the mornings, I held on to my responsibilities, I didn't get the shakes. But all that happened too. I often began drinking as early as 10 in the morning and didn't stop until I passed out cold at night. Disgusting when I think about it.

Linz0510

Yep this happened to me as well. We often said we need to cut back. Finally I put my foot down, after a night when I couldn't remember the night before and if I said anything hurtful, it was time to quit. It would eventually ruin my marriage. Well done for seeking out to help with this.

FallAhead

I will definitely do that.

We got together at 19, married at 22. He's my best friend, my love. We've partied together, drank together, used plenty of other 'items' together. We quit using those other things and now drink together.

I almost lost him and that would have killed me. So I'm doing this for me...but also for him.

I would normally be embarrassed about saying that I feel as if I am possibly some day not going to be under alcohols control. But you all understand that feeling.

thomas11

I know that some will say quit today, but I am more like you. I have to plan for anything. I am not spontaneous. the fact you have set a date, would lead me to believe you've thought about this for awhile. Good for you.

FallAhead

Thank you so much for sharing with me. Are you sober now?

FallAhead

Thank you Thomas.
I've been "thinking about this" for a year or so...But last weekend I realized I needed to do something now.