Debbie329

Sorry 10 months.....time for a new doctor......i got my meds off a psychiatrist.....thats who to see.

Anna

I agree that you should see another dr. I do get that it won't be easy to find medication that will relieve your anxiety/hand-washing/suicidal thoughts, but you might be able to find something that works better.

Another thing I would ask you is what changes have you made in your life since you stopped drinking? Have you tried to find things to enjoy and fill your life?

greens

Glad to hear you have an appt on Thursday ! I can definitely relate to having a dual diagnosis and how frustrating it can be to still struggle in sobriety.
A recovery plan is great and the steps are great but as my sponsor used to tell me - "they are in no way a panacea" and it sounds like you are definitely struggling with ocd. Outside help is key.
also, I know a lot of people who have managed to work the steps without the god concept. It seemed to work for them and lots had long term sobriety they were happy with.
hope your appt goes well-

fastfocus

thanks for the replies,

let me try to be a bit clearer on the god thing,

I don't believe in god, full stop.

I did not say I don't believe there is nothing more powerful than me, for instance like someone mentioned the air I breath.

or even the sea, sun, stars, weather, seasons etc etc.

but my next problem is I don't believe or see how any of those powers will get me or keep me sober.

so to sum it up, I don't believe in any form of god, I do know there are more powerful things than me out there, but I don't see how they will keep me sober, and I am not praying/talking to something that I cant see, and im not off to the beech to start praying/talking to the sea.

fastfocus

im trying to see a psychiatrist but its hard work, though my doctor suggested to the mental health team I see a psychiatrist, but next time I seen her she said its now in the hands of the mental health team and not up to her.

fastfocus

yes ive got loads of anger and frustration, from being a small innocent boy, not even wanted by my own mother, and life continued to kick me in the teeth through childhood and adulthood, and what ever I do throughout the day, be it welding my car, digging my allotment, cutting the hedge, watching a dvd, or just sitting on my arse, I have constant thoughts of suicide, drinking, or both, I have constant anxiety, and im constantly running to the bathroom to wash my hands or body, or wash something before I touch it, there is no off switch unless im asleep, hence why I say part of me wants to be pissed to be out of it.

obviously another part of me knows that not the correct answer or I wouldn't be here typing I would be drinking.

Debbie329

If I was you.....I'd call the mental health team.......and make an appointment to see what they could do for me. asap

soberclover

I think you rock fastfocus dealing with addiction and mental health issues....it is tough. I know a lot of us, me included do this little dance. The fact that you have insight as to what is going on with you is awesome. I'm glad you are advocating for yourself and seeking out additional help/support. Keep it up

fastfocus

im not ungrateful for your replie,

im just so struggling at the moment,

I very nearly picked up a crate of lagers today in Tesco,

I had to fight myself not to,

I wasn't down the drink isle, they were in the door way,

im in a mess at the moment, and really gutted that im 10 months in and feeling like this, if I were 10 days in I would understand feeling ****, but if I feel like this for ever, im afraid ill either drink or take up on one of my suicidal thoughts,

I must stress they are only thoughts at the moment, but they are constant, and not nice, and ive told my doctor, and told the mental health team,

one thing I do is tell them exactly how I feel and think.

fastfocus

im seeing them tomorrow afternoon

FreeOwl

what have you been doing for your whole self.... beyond "not drinking"?

I found that work in therapy, men's group work, self-help with journaling and reading about anxiety and stress and meditation, exercise, were all helpful in addressing the balance of all of me and progressing in my sobriety.

is it always like this - you asked? Well, no. Not if you do the work and find the changes and the support and the healing you need. And it takes time and patience, sure. And sometimes it's depressing and tiring and feels like forever. But it gets better.

I hope you'll continue on and keep seeking - every day - the ways in which you can evolve and grow and process and work on your issues beyond the "not drinking".

And also... GREAT JOB on the "not drinking".

fastfocus

yes I do, do other things I have to keep busy, but its what im trying to ay, these thoughts are always there, drinking thoughts, suicidal thoughts, anxiety and ocd washing, I don't get a break, even if I keep busy.

Elizabeth333

Hi - I have suffered from OCD ever since I was a child. It has been a nightmare. The booze seemed to work for awhile - Yet I almost died from drinking to pass out. After reaching out to mental health folks - I am now taking meds to combat the horrid thoughts and have to say - I'm gaining ground. Do not pick up. Stay the course. there is help.

SpiritedMaster

FactFocus,

You actually don't have to believe in God to pray, or to work on steps. You simply open your eyes to the possibility. For an atheist, that might mean saying "I don't believe God exists, but I am going to do exactly as it says in the Book, open my eyes and watch very carefully." You might end up praying to a God you don't believe exists. Honestly, the fact that you are hung up on this point makes me question whether you have an adequate sponsor....

The situation is that you have proved as of today that you are really struggling to stay sober on your own power. Others in the program were in the exact same position and just gave up on fighting. We got a sponsor, did the steps, and lo and behold, we found some other power outside of ourselves that allowed us a daily reprieve from the obsession of the mind.

I did exactly that. I figured that all of these people claiming amazing higher power assistance were all lying, or that some might actually be telling the truth. Because I figured that some people must be telling the truth about themselves, finding some power outside themselves, that I was willing to give the steps an honest effort, working hard with a sponsor.

The result? I discovered that there is something bigger in the universe than me that I can tap into, and develop a personal relationship with.

The alternative to giving it a shot is not pretty. I wish you the very best, my friend...

sean0621

Drinking won't make the anxiety or suicidal thoughts go away. My thoughts and emotions did continue to get better over time. I felt like I was losing my grip on everything around 10 months. But I continued to go to therapy and I continued to go to meetings every week and eventually I did level back out.

fastfocus

I don't have a sponsor, don't want one, but did have one and he went through the steps with me, but ive had loads of sponsors and they all sack me off, usually cause I drank, but this last one said he couldn't cope with my moods.

Debbie329

I'm moody too fastfocus......really moody........previously when I tried to quit drinking I either had tempertantrums.....or fits of rage......or I was crying after a week or so......I just could not take it.......I was incredibly unhappy and now w the meds I'm a whole new person.......I do none of the above anymore......I'm very honest w my doctors so keep that up......it's the only way they can help you......like I said in my earlier post.....it's been 6 months......I'm feeling oh so much better and even my psychiatrist was happy w our last session. He said I'm doing well. So if they can help me go from a crying mess they can help you stabilize......it's a science. Hang in there buddy! We're all rooting for you!

sean0621

I couldn't work the steps and had a poor relationship with two sponsors at AA. One told me that the best thing he found in sobriety was naps he was napping his way through sobriety, I wanted to punch him after telling me that. Another just told me to work the steps but I never got past the higher power part. I didn't give up my search for a meeting that worked. I got lucky and found something local in my town called Racing for Recovery. So I didn't give up and found something that works. That group helped me to see what was working in my life and focus on that rather than focus on beating myself up for things that are mostly out of my control. Other than that I stuck with my psychiatrist patiently and though I ended up going through any number of SSRI's, anti-psychotics and anti epileptics to stabilize my moods and depression. I called the suicide hotline at one point before I got on meds and back in January through April I had a nervous breakdown and really thought I was going to end it all. But that support I received in Racing for Recovery and Group Therapy for Mood Disorders at the VA helped me stick through it. And eventually I was able to feel normal again and I was able to put myself in a better situation and stop beating myself up. The hypomanic mood swings subsided and the depression subsided and I was able to think about other things without having thoughts of self destructing pop in my head every other minute. The only thing I really did was to stick it out and reach out to the people that cared around me. Somehow it worked for me. Good luck to you, I believe you can get through this.

greens

Have you tried any non spiritual programs fast focus? You don't need spirituality or god to recover imo

fastfocus

any suggestions of these groups? thanks dave