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Old 04-25-2015, 01:39 AM
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Good moaning all (yes deliberate and maybe just my mischievous sense of humor),

It is Saturday and the sun is out. Looks like it is going to be a glorious day. I hope the weatherman cooperates with me at the start of day nineteen and my third sober weekend.

Physically I feel good. I slept until my usual body clock time, around four hours, turned over and slept for another five hours. Sleep is definitely easier now. The insomnia monster has left the building. I cannot say that they were the best of bed mates, but I can say good riddance. I did get out of bed without a headache, but as I lay here in the bath and type this, I can feel it fading away. The numb cheek is still there, but slowly gets better everyday. The same applies to the hand shakes. My butt and leg muscles feel great this is a very good sign of muscle recovery. I am looking forward to tonight's exercise.

Mentally I am good. I have stopped waking with that groggy fuzzy feeling regardless of how much sleep I have had. I am pleased with this. Problems that were once huge issues to resolve seem no more difficult than slotting two Lego pieces together. Forgive me for the oversimplification. My mind is also able to control my emotions with greater success at this stage.

Emotionally, I am calm. I don't know what the day will bring, but I will be there to deal with it as a sober individual. I am making progress with emotions. I am not beating myself up over the past so much. What was done, was done. It is water under the bridge. I can however use the past as a road map for what not to do in the future. Not easy for a drunk, but easier for a sober drunk.

I did manage to read much further last night into my story. There is good motivation in the mans story. Most of us ran away from whatever was not comfortable by drinking. He literally just ran away. Good to know that sometimes sober people don't always do everything right. I think we strive to attain the sobriety of others, but that does not mean that the sober person is more emotionally intelligent due to their sobriety. It means a lot of us, drunks and sober people, are emotionally unintelligent. It is a strange thing to say - but I find comfort in this. After all, we are all human.

Time to finish my bath and get something to eat.

Be safe and be strong,

Cheers,

ZAB
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Old 04-25-2015, 10:14 PM
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Good morning all,

So it is the morning of day twenty for me. Sorry for not posting last night, but I just dropped off.

Physically, I feel fine this morning. No headache or anything like that. I had to take something for yesterday mornings headache, it would not go. I didn't sleep that well last night, two hour sessions. The sweats visited me last night. Kept waking in a pool of sweat, not sure why. The hand shakes and cheek numbness are still here. My butt and leg muscles feel great. So recovery is definitely getting quicker. I am famished, so as soon as I am done with the bath and this post - I am off to treat myself to a huge fried breakfast. No headache yet this morning.

Mentally I am fine. Finished my book and have started another. I have been running little tests on myself and I am quite pleased. I am able to recall names, dates, places and little stories from all the books that I have read since becoming sober. I now need to extend this back in time to all the books I have read. Baby steps. Besides it gives my a huge feeling of accomplishment.

Emotionally I am stable. I feel as if I am some sort of air traffic controller or music conductor. I just direct the emotion from here to there or from there to here. It is almost as if the emotions are not mine or that I have disowned them for the time being. Either way, I am not allowing them to beat me up for the past. I have realized that it takes two to tango, so to speak.

So I lie here in the bath on this Sunday morning and take stock. Twenty days sober. Most of the physical symptoms have gone, those that remain are so slight that they are barely noticeable. Mentally I am fine. Emotionally, I will get there. Although there are many loose ends in my life at the moment, I am just taking it one day at a time. What will be will be.

Someone once told me - "You can do this, you are a stubborn b@stard". It was not at all what I wanted to hear. Maybe I am proud of you? Definitely not the first part. I ought to correct it though, I am not a stubborn b@stard, I am a very hard b@stard. I am hard on myself because I know me. After all, I have lived with me for thirty nine years. I am also hard on those around me. Pushing them to achieve their goals or do better. It is not always perceived that way, and looking back I can see why. Perhaps with sobriety I will learn tolerance. I do look forward to that.

Anyway, cats need breakfast. I need to bathe. Come to think of it, I also need breakfast. Got to pack some stuff away today to get ready for the builders tomorrow. So I have a full day ahead.

Be safe and be strong,

Cheers,

ZAB
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Old 04-26-2015, 01:42 PM
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Evening all,

So, I have reached the end of day twenty. To add to that, this has been my third sober weekend.

Without further ado, let's get the business end out of the way.

Physically, I am fine. I did get a headache during the day, but after taking something, it has gone and not come back. I feel tired. Normal as it is 22:15 here. The numbness in my cheek is there. I have not done the hand shaking test this evening, but there are no shakes if I just hold my hand out. Appetite is great. Chocolate craving is back. Smoking has its ups and downs, but in general I am smoking less than a pack of twenty a day. Hard to believe from the four packs of twenty a day three weeks ago. I am sticking to my self imposed ban of not smoking in the car or the house. I only had that one lapse on the first morning of the ban. Muscles are feeling good and I am looking forward to tomorrow evenings exercise.

Mentally, it was a good day. I didn't really have to think with the tasks that I had to do today. I did read quite a bit. So there is a plus. I am still playing online chess. I like the games that have no time limit.

Emotionally it ha been a so so day. Neither here nor there. I find that if I don't like the emotion at the time that I am able to change my train of thought and get to a new or neutral emotion. This does not mean that the original emotion does not come back, but simply that I have a small means of control over it now.

I did spoil myself with a greasy breakfast this morning. It was just the thing I needed to get my butt into gear for the day. I replaced the headlight bulbs on my car, cleaned the fish tank, did some grocery shopping, packed some things away and did a few house repairs. I guess that takes care of my five tasks for the day. To end it off, I took myself out for a steak dinner and some NA beers. Not a bad end to the weekend.

I finished the book I was reading. I love kindle. The book that I was reading is another running book. I have got to say, the Americans are lucky in that they are really spoilt for choice when it comes to ultra marathons. We really don't have much here in SA. I am finding solace in the books that I am reading. These people's stories resonate with me being a former long distance runner. So I understand the peace and solitude of the long run. There is something special to be said for trying to conquer oneself. I will try to explain that in a later post.

Well the cats are here and dozing. I have to get up early for the builders. Tomorrow is going to be fun and games. Strangely, I am excited about it all. If this were a few weeks back, I would be dreading the whole thing.

Be safe and be strong.

Cheers,

ZAB
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Old 04-26-2015, 02:17 PM
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Thank you for sharing your progress. It was calming to read.
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Old 04-26-2015, 11:24 PM
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Originally Posted by TennantSmith View Post
Thank you for sharing your progress. It was calming to read.
Ta a lot TS and it is my pleasure.
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Old 04-27-2015, 12:55 AM
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Morning all,

So I have reached my initial goal of twenty one days. More on this later. Let's get the business end out of the way.

Physically I am fine. I slept through and woke at my usual time. I did manage to roll over and catch a few more zzzs. No night sweats last night so I think that was a once off. I had a slight headache this morning. The numbness in the cheek is there, but the hand shakes are gone. My leg and butt muscles feel good. I am famished as usual. I am rearing to go and seem to have a lot of energy today.

Mentally I am great. Firing on all cylinders today.

Emotionally I am like a mirror. All smooth and calm. I don't have much time today for drama. Too much going on around me to worry about this aspect at the moment.

Initially when I started this detox, it was to prove that I could go twenty one days without alcohol. I would then drink moderately from there on in with the occasional binge. I won't say that it has been easy. The physical aspect of the detox was bad initially, and then the emotional aspect took over. I think for me the emotional aspect was the worst. I have not had physical cravings to drink. I have had the AV lurking around a few times. It has even tried to convince me that I am not an addict as I have been without alcohol for weeks. I might or might not be an addict in that sense, but I do have an addictive personality, which is worse. So now that I have reached my goal of twenty one days, I can open that celebratory beer and get back on with the life I used to know?

Somehow, I think not. There are too many things that are unresolved. Emotionally, I am not stable. Physically, not all the withdrawal symptoms are gone. Mentally, God alone knows as I cannot remember feeling this sharp. I don't know if it gets better than that. As a runner, it is very important to get food into your body as soon as you have finished running. This is to aid with the recovery process. The quickest way to do this is to drink something that has all the things you need. In my case - beer. I would run a road race in the morning, be finished by seven or eight and have a couple of beers. I know, energade would have done exactly the same thing, but hey, energade is not beer. I know that I cannot do that at this stage in my recovery, and I suspect that I will never be able to do it again.

So in celebration of my twenty one days, I am sitting here listening to the builders chip away, and am drinking a NA beer as I share my thoughts with you.

So back to my situation. Where to from now? Well sobriety is like ultra distance running. I have finished my 10km, now I have to tackle my 21km. From there I can tackle the 42km and go on to the ultras. Even were it that all my issues were resolved, my wife and I reconciled, bright and sunny skies ahead, I would still only have completed 10km. I would still only be where I am right now. If I took that drink now, happy or not, I would not have the control to stop. My life would descend in to the pits of hell again. I fear that I would be worse off than when I stopped three weeks ago. Never mind that I am in limbo at this stage and that nothing is resolved, I would still drink myself to pieces. Whether my emotions alternate between self pity, hatred, love, fear or anger is irrelevant at this stage. What is relevant is that I actually feel emotion after all this time. If I were to pick up that drink, it would take far more than what I was initially drinking to drown these emotions. For me, that would be signing my own death wish. It is not normal to drink like I was drinking and I think my body was busy trying to do me in.

So what is the next goal? How many more days? When can I have a little test to see if I can control it? I don't know the answers to these questions. I do know that I cannot control it now. So for now I cannot have that first drink. Will I ever be able to control it? I don't know. As long as I don't know, I cannot have that first drink. Do I miss drinking? Not really no. For me I drank to the point of black out or pass out every evening. I don't miss that. The fights, the arguments, the cold shoulder, the passage sex (when you walk past each other and say f@ck you to each other). Do I miss those things? I will answer that with a question - would any sane person miss those things?

So where do I go from here? I will continue to update this journal. I will continue to go back and read it to remind myself of the hell that awaits me if I take that first drink. I will continue to take life one day at a time. And I will continue to stop and smell the roses. They say to forgive and forget. We as addicts can never forget. Forgive yes, but never forget. It is at that moment that we forget that we are at our weakest. We need to remember, is that we do not make the same mistake again.

Anyway, enough reflection for now. Time to check on the builders. These guys are really moving along.

Be safe and be strong.


Cheers,

ZAB
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Old 04-27-2015, 12:21 PM
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Congrats on 21 days! Life is better without the drinking, keep up the great work and surround yourself with things similar.
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Old 04-27-2015, 12:51 PM
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Evening all,

Well it is the end of day twenty one for me. Not the easiest day I have had so far, but I made it. More later on, first the business end.

Physically, I am ok. Headache attacked me mid morning. I think it was because I didn't eat. I had to take three headache powders to get rid of it. The numbness if the cheek is just with me. The hand shakes are gone. Although I was hungry most of the day, I only ate this afternoon. Not good, but it was the first opportunity I got. I didn't get my exercise in today, kind of gutted. Tomorrow is another day. My muscles are fully recovered though. I am smoking too much - boredom I guess. I am now making a concerted effort to use the silver cigar as much as possible.

Mentally it was not a very challenging day. I supervised the builders most of the day. I had to do a few wiring modifications for the light circuits as they knocked out a wall for me. My kitchen is now bigger by a third. God how I love a big kitchen.

Emotionally the day went ok, until this evening. Then the darkness set in for a while. With the darkness came the AV. It is difficult being attacked on two fronts, but with deep breathing and forcing my mind to dwell on other things I managed to get through it. I guess I had the H (hunger) and L (loneliness) of HALT today. In retrospect, I should have gone for the exercise even if it was dusk. I think that would have put me into a calmer frame of mind much quicker than trying to ride it through.

Even with the darkness of this evening, I cannot say it was a bad day. It is one more day under my belt. Although not pleasant, I'm facing my emotions and hopefully learning to deal with them. I am still sticking to my motivational books. Maybe after I complete this current one (another ultra marathon runner who was an alcoholic), I will have a go at the meditation. I have read some posts on the forum today and it seems to me that AA is not for everyone. I can see how. Not everyone appreciates a 'holier than thou' drunk dishing out advice, penance or punishment. No offense intended to anyone. I think that it is different strokes for different folks.

So tomorrow the last bit of building work gets done. Crete to be removed from three bathrooms, the stairs, the kitchen and the passageway. A door to be bricked up and plastered. Then the tiling can begin. If all goes well, these guys should be out if my hair by Friday afternoon. With winter coming on, I am considering putting in a fireplace in the upstairs master bedroom. Thank God for renovations, it keeps your mind off dark things.

Be safe and be strong,

Cheers,

ZAB
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Old 04-27-2015, 01:09 PM
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Congrats on day 21 Zab your doing really good bud
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Old 04-27-2015, 01:20 PM
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Congrats on reaching 21 days zab.
A couple things you mentioned. Am I an addict? For me that is a two part answer. The day I quit drinking for good was they I was no longer an addict. The day I pick up my next drink I become an addict again.
Which brings me to the second point. You ask if you will ever be able to drink 'normally' again. For me and many others others, the answer is, "I don't really want to risk knowing the answer to that. So it is no."

Keep up the good work. Also glad to hear you are getting on with your other half.
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Old 04-27-2015, 01:23 PM
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Zab, well done! You are doing great!
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Old 04-27-2015, 08:39 PM
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Originally Posted by AliveSoul View Post
Congrats on 21 days! Life is better without the drinking, keep up the great work and surround yourself with things similar.
Ta AS.
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Old 04-27-2015, 08:42 PM
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Originally Posted by soberwolf View Post
Congrats on day 21 Zab your doing really good bud
Ta SW, no one said it would be easy mate.
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Old 04-27-2015, 08:54 PM
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Originally Posted by LBrain View Post
Congrats on reaching 21 days zab. A couple things you mentioned. Am I an addict? For me that is a two part answer. The day I quit drinking for good was they I was no longer an addict. The day I pick up my next drink I become an addict again. Which brings me to the second point. You ask if you will ever be able to drink 'normally' again. For me and many others others, the answer is, "I don't really want to risk knowing the answer to that. So it is no." Keep up the good work. Also glad to hear you are getting on with your other half.
Ta Brain, much appreciated. I think I didn't make it very clear when I posed the question of whether I would be able to drink normally again. I was trying to make the point that if there is any question or doubt - the answer is no. I have to work on getting my premise and conclusion across more clearly. If not talking to or hearing from my wife in God knows how long is getting along - then we're running for marriage of the year mate. Again, I will have to work on getting things across more clearly. It is more difficult it seems, to get meaning across in words than what it would be face to face.
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Old 04-27-2015, 08:56 PM
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Originally Posted by Buggirl View Post
Zab, well done! You are doing great!
TA BG, much appreciated.
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Old 04-27-2015, 10:37 PM
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Morning all,

So it is the star of day twenty two for me. The sun is out and the birds are singing. I am waiting for the builders so I thought I would get this post in.

Physically I feel good. Slept like a baby last night. Woke up with my alarm clock this morning. Instead of going back to bed, I waited for sunrise. Went out on the balcony and smoked a cigarette while enjoying the spectacle. I didn't wake with a headache, but the onset of one is here. I am hoping to try ride it out. No visible handshakes. The numb cheek is ever so slightly perceptible. I am famished as usual. Muscles feel good. I must exercise tonight.

Mentally I am great. Not much thinking or problem solving to do. I think this will change once the tilers start their thing.

Emotionally, I am fine. It is a new day and I shall see what it holds.

I think I need to make a summary of which day, which symptom left as well as when a new aspect put in an appearance. I think I will do that for tonight's post. It is strange, but I am actually craving a lamb vindaloo this morning. Curry for breakfast anyone?

Well not much for me to say this morning. Too many thoughts running around in my head. I will try to marshall them into something coherent and put them in post at a later date.

Be safe and be strong,

Cheers,

ZAB
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Old 04-28-2015, 01:08 AM
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Originally Posted by ZaBoozer View Post
If not talking to or hearing from my wife in God knows how long is getting along - then we're running for marriage of the year mate. .
You and me both last I heard from AH was that he had done a residential rehab and is now holidaying somewhere in Europe with his latest gf...yep think I could vie for marriage of the year with you ZaB!!

We are doing all the right things...just got to keep going, have a good day and yes the sun is shining here too
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Old 04-28-2015, 02:01 AM
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Originally Posted by martina12 View Post
You and me both last I heard from AH was that he had done a residential rehab and is now holidaying somewhere in Europe with his latest gf...yep think I could vie for marriage of the year with you ZaB!! We are doing all the right things...just got to keep going, have a good day and yes the sun is shining here too
Ta Martina, much appreciated. One step in front of the other.
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Old 04-28-2015, 09:10 AM
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Always enjoy your journal entries, Boozer. Keep up the great work!
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Old 04-28-2015, 09:43 AM
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Thank you Zab.
You're a great inspiration.
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