Confession of an addict
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 419
Confession of an addict
Cow was telling me that I really should share more of myself on here. God knows she does and I was telling her how great I thought that was of her. And then she kinda holds the mirror up to me and says, more or less, "Well?" It was haunting me. Me? Make myself that vulnerable? It's so much easier to tell other people how to pull themselves together. Besides, I can get on my high horse. 
So, Ok. I have been off that killer alcohol for a few years now. And I am not on any of the other usual suspects anymore, but I am still using. It may be something you do too, but maybe it's not a problem for you, so fine. I have heard that there are others on here who do struggle with it. But for me -- it makes me sick. It leaves me using and isolating. It wakes up the persecutorial voices in my head. It makes me paranoid. It leaves me exhausted all week even if I only use it once a week, and it's so very hard to go any longer without it because it either bullies me or seduces me into it and I just get blown away. I have stopped and relapsed thousands of times. It's like . . . what I do.
My heart does this palpitation thing, my limbs jerk, I breath hard over nothing, Sleep stinks, it feels like I have sludge in my veins, my muscles ache. I have been putting myself through this for over thirty years, only, as I get older it just keeps hitting me harder and harder. It robs me of my want to. I find myself accommodating it. It alters my sense of myself in the world. I feel like I am married to it and it's a bad marriage. Normal fun activities and chores only sound like torture. I have these dark rings under my eyes -- the kind that tell everyone that I am sick somehow, only everyone is polite enough not to say anything. But I notice how they notice. I have enough energy to do the essentials of life -- it's not like I need done for, it's just that I am so worn down I just can't bear the thought of doing anything more, or anything fun. I might have to lift my arms. I want to get involved with my community and share my gifts but I just sit in my chair or lay in my bed. The house gets dirty and cluttered, projects get started and left -- for years. It becomes my life.
It's a little like having the flu only forever. I am scared that I will maybe get sick with something, like we do sometimes, only I will find myself already in this weakened condition and then, when something else gets piled on top of that . . . well . . . . . you get the idea. The only thing I find I have the energy for is eating and I use it to try to escape the crappy way I feel somehow so I go from one size to the next size pants larger, and then the next and then . . .
So what is it that I am doing this to myself with? Coffee. I know, just like with drinking, some people don't have a problem with it. Good for you. Why can't I be like that? I just can't. I call it my heroin. I know, I know, it's not as bad, but still it's like that thing that owns me and wrecks me, just like the rest of that stuff used to pile on and do. So though I am years "clean" I can really, really relate to those of you who are still struggling because I am too. And it so sucks.
I won't go on and on anymore about poor little me. I just wanted to say, maybe it's not as sexy as putting in a whole week without booze, but I just put in a whole week without my remaining SOC. And yes, I have gone a week before. I might pull that off two or three times a year. I haven't gone a month without for a few years now. And the longest I have gone without it is maybe less than a year, and that was maybe once and nearly 20 years ago. Oh, glorious days those were. Physical activity was something I had the energy for. It was like a different life. Long, long ago. I got in great shape and everything.
So anyway, that's my confession, so now you all know I am bulls**t, I don't call myself AddictGuy for nothing. But hey, I just went a week, I owe my dear friends, acquaintances and strangers on SR a shout out for all of the motivation I glean from reading and writing the posts. I love you.
Maybe in a few days I can actually clean the kitchen: Not just enough dishes so I can overeat some more.
I want this time to be "the" time.
Today the kitchen. Tomorrow the world.
AG
So, Ok. I have been off that killer alcohol for a few years now. And I am not on any of the other usual suspects anymore, but I am still using. It may be something you do too, but maybe it's not a problem for you, so fine. I have heard that there are others on here who do struggle with it. But for me -- it makes me sick. It leaves me using and isolating. It wakes up the persecutorial voices in my head. It makes me paranoid. It leaves me exhausted all week even if I only use it once a week, and it's so very hard to go any longer without it because it either bullies me or seduces me into it and I just get blown away. I have stopped and relapsed thousands of times. It's like . . . what I do.
My heart does this palpitation thing, my limbs jerk, I breath hard over nothing, Sleep stinks, it feels like I have sludge in my veins, my muscles ache. I have been putting myself through this for over thirty years, only, as I get older it just keeps hitting me harder and harder. It robs me of my want to. I find myself accommodating it. It alters my sense of myself in the world. I feel like I am married to it and it's a bad marriage. Normal fun activities and chores only sound like torture. I have these dark rings under my eyes -- the kind that tell everyone that I am sick somehow, only everyone is polite enough not to say anything. But I notice how they notice. I have enough energy to do the essentials of life -- it's not like I need done for, it's just that I am so worn down I just can't bear the thought of doing anything more, or anything fun. I might have to lift my arms. I want to get involved with my community and share my gifts but I just sit in my chair or lay in my bed. The house gets dirty and cluttered, projects get started and left -- for years. It becomes my life.
It's a little like having the flu only forever. I am scared that I will maybe get sick with something, like we do sometimes, only I will find myself already in this weakened condition and then, when something else gets piled on top of that . . . well . . . . . you get the idea. The only thing I find I have the energy for is eating and I use it to try to escape the crappy way I feel somehow so I go from one size to the next size pants larger, and then the next and then . . .
So what is it that I am doing this to myself with? Coffee. I know, just like with drinking, some people don't have a problem with it. Good for you. Why can't I be like that? I just can't. I call it my heroin. I know, I know, it's not as bad, but still it's like that thing that owns me and wrecks me, just like the rest of that stuff used to pile on and do. So though I am years "clean" I can really, really relate to those of you who are still struggling because I am too. And it so sucks.
I won't go on and on anymore about poor little me. I just wanted to say, maybe it's not as sexy as putting in a whole week without booze, but I just put in a whole week without my remaining SOC. And yes, I have gone a week before. I might pull that off two or three times a year. I haven't gone a month without for a few years now. And the longest I have gone without it is maybe less than a year, and that was maybe once and nearly 20 years ago. Oh, glorious days those were. Physical activity was something I had the energy for. It was like a different life. Long, long ago. I got in great shape and everything.
So anyway, that's my confession, so now you all know I am bulls**t, I don't call myself AddictGuy for nothing. But hey, I just went a week, I owe my dear friends, acquaintances and strangers on SR a shout out for all of the motivation I glean from reading and writing the posts. I love you.
Maybe in a few days I can actually clean the kitchen: Not just enough dishes so I can overeat some more.
I want this time to be "the" time.
Today the kitchen. Tomorrow the world.
AG
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: OZ
Posts: 2,055
Congratulations on a week without coffee...I quit drinking coffee a few months back...it feels better for me. I loved beautiful good quality coffee, love the smell, the taste...the ritual.
...but it stopped agreeing with me, in fact instead of making me feel alert it made me feel very tired, I was thinking have I developed ADHD, what is going on!. I didn't drink great amounts everyday.
I very rarely think about it now.
It is important to remember we are all different and metabolize thing differently...my son suffers from epilepsy and drinking high caffeinated drinks is really bad for him. Good luck.
...but it stopped agreeing with me, in fact instead of making me feel alert it made me feel very tired, I was thinking have I developed ADHD, what is going on!. I didn't drink great amounts everyday.
I very rarely think about it now.
It is important to remember we are all different and metabolize thing differently...my son suffers from epilepsy and drinking high caffeinated drinks is really bad for him. Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: PA
Posts: 1,053
Hey - that's great - it's probably the next thing I'm going to give up but I remember the headaches when I gave it up while pregnant. But I'm happy for you - I hear people feel better when they stop with the caffine all the time
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