Judas

I'm serious. I've tried so many times, but yet, I drank again this past Saturday night. I'm beginning to feel like a hopeless case. I can go a week, sometimes a couple of weeks, sometimes 17, 18 days, but then something inside of me just panics a little bit and then I cave in without much of a fight, deciding to pick up some beer on my way home, and get drunk.

Why is this so difficult? I have been to AA meetings, but I honestly can't wrap my head around the higher power thing. I'm usually fine throughout the week, then it's like the weekend becomes a trigger or something for me. I don't even go out and party anymore, it's mainly me just sitting in my living room, watching a hockey game, and drinking beer. I drink to get drunk of course, and at this point it takes me a solid 12-15 beer to get to that level. I don't even have fun anymore. I can't remember the exact point it stopped being fun, I really don't know. I guess I need a break from being sober sometimes, rather than drinking to get drunk. I don't know why I do it.

I don't know what else to do, it seems like I've tried everything. I suppose I will try again, with AVRT and vitamin therapy, that's how I was most successful in the past and hopefully it will work for me permanently. I just can't do this anymore. My drinking has gotten progressively worse, as it does, I know. I've done so many stupid things while drinking, things that I would never have done sober. I know I'm not a bad person, but when I start drinking it removes my inhibitions completely. I think I know the things I'm doing are wrong, but I just don't care, I guess. I don't care about anything but myself when I'm actively drinking. I become obsessed with that next drink. I went 20 days or so without a drink last month, and it was fantastic, I was flying, or so I thought. I gave up sugar, caffeine, processed foods, I was taking niacin and complex b, it was working out great. No cravings at all. Then I let up a bit on my strict diet and then I guess the cravings started to come back. I need to get back to that diet I guess. Sugar really has a crazy effect on my cravings I think.

Anyway, I'm back at day one. Day two I guess it is now. I have the downloaded app on my phone that keeps track of the sober days, and I'm so sick of either deleting it or starting it over again from day one. This is crazy. I'm so disheartened, where in other areas of my life I'm usually very confident and positive. I effin' hate this man. So sick of this.

Humbled84

i know exactly what you're saying man, i'm in the same boat as you. i'm only on day one but everything you said could have been written by me. i have no idea when it stopped being fun but i know that bad side is out weighing to fun side. i wish you a lot of luck and strength with this

sprout50

I have been there. I would find myself driving to the liquor store even when I didn't want to. It all starts with that first drink. But you sound like you know that already.

Go back tto what worked for you before, be vigilant and maybe try posting here before you take that first drink again.

IOAA2

Hi.
Sorry to say when we are ready to surrender to the fact that we can not drink alcohol in safety it’s a steep up hill struggle.
First we need to be honest with our self about our drinking and accept the above. Denial is a huge hurtle for the majority of alcoholics to overcome and a good % can’t recover because of it.
Sometimes as Dr. Phil says we need a 2x4 to get our attention but some of us are so thick we still want to do things our way. He also asks “how’s it working for you/us?”
The Higher Power THING is totally your choice. As often said at meetings it can be
GOD =Group OF Drunks at a meeting because they have more power than me and can keep me sober in times of need because they are there or a phone call away.

BE WELL

gracetuesday

Something I heard in a meeting this week - and something Sprout alluded to - "acting yourself into a new way of thinking..." I always thought that I had to wait until I WANTED NOT TO DRINK... Somehow, I had to get it all correct in my head first...

But, I now, I think that I HAVE TO ACT DIFFERENTLY FIRST.... Which means that when I want to drink - I do something ELSE..... The theory is that if I do something differently enough times, I will realize it is what I want to do.... For example: I actually enjoy waking up sober, I enjoy being present and productive all day, I enjoy not feeling hungover and anxious, I enjoy doing my job well, I enjoy losing some weight, I enjoy being more responsible.... Why the hell would I really want to drink, be drunk, pass out, puke, miss days, be fat, be sick, waste money, get fired, hate myself, etc????

Also, one of the main premises of AA - and a quote from somewhere in the beginning of the Big Book "nothing so much ensure sobriety as work with other alcoholics." At one point, Bill W was out of town for work, at a hotel, and could not fathom how he could stay sober that night..... Somehow, I think he looked up a hospital/church - and went to find other drunks to help. I don't necessarily think it always has to be other alcoholics that we help -but ANYTHING to get out of MYSELF, and my thinking about how I want to DRINK.

Wishing you the best, Judas....

Let us know how you do!

Tang

You know how many times I've deleted sober recovery app from my phone? Or my sober counter app? We just have to accept that we are different and double down on recovery. Whatever it takes!

IOAA2

Hi.
In the beginning, for some ancient history, it was suggested to think about anything else when the obsession of drinking came into view. It worked for me along with getting active in my group.

BE WELL

Judas

Here's the thing though - I know I'm different than other people. I know I can't drink safely or normally, I'm not wired that way. I know I can't moderate, those ships have all sailed. Drinking isn't a casual thing for me, I'm not struggling with trying to control it, because I know that I can't and I know that I will never be able to. I just turn into a zombie, and instead of trying to convince myself that it will be okay to have a few beer, I just don't think at all. I turn into a robot or something. I just don't get it.

Soberwolf

Judas in the very begining i had an angel on one shoulder a devil in the other

I went to a lot of ppl to get help but it all came down on me not drinking i accepted that i couldnt drink safe or responsibly and in the very begining it was tough very tough getting through that first month

if it was on me sometimes id sit with and get through it other times i picked up the phone and said im suffering urges hard to do at first but its a very useful tool in early sobriety

have you got a plan

Tang

Part of it for me is identifying the time or trigger and doing something different. I used to start at 5pm drinking. Now when I get a craving at that time I lift weights. I'm not saying it is easy for me and I know everyone's addiction can be different. Why not try coming here and posting when you think about starting to drink?

Judas

I think I'm going to try AVRT, get some exercise and watch my diet. And post on SR. I need this to work this time. I'm so sick of this.. it's ridiculous.

Soberwolf

Well done judas get a solid plan and it seriously helps

Judas

I think I'll copy off you if you don't mind.. start lifting weights whenever I get a craving. Fridays are usually the worst, because I usually drink on the weekends. I have been meaning to get back to the gym anyway. Thanks for your replies everyone.

mfanch

1. Get a PLAN.
2. Follow the PLAN. (every day)

JanieJ

Judas, I know that feeling of being a robot, just going to buy drink even when you don't want it. That's your AV talking, your addiction.

I've had many, many relapses over the years. I think you are getting there now, being totally sick of it is a good sign.

Think you might want to remain more vigilant for longer -seems to be when you start to relax into it that you get caught out again.

Judas

You're right Janie. Thanks for your insight. I think I do get relaxed or something.. I honestly don't feel like I can moderate or that I'm "over it" in any way though, when I eventually decide to drink after a couple of weeks sober. I just.. don't think at all. I just decide to drink. It's like I have no ability to deal with frustration at all - I have a craving and then the only thing I can do to deal with it is decide that I will drink. I will have to be stronger and more vigilant whenever these situations arise though, because I have no choice. I'm at the end of the line.

FreeOwl

You surrender.


You go back to AA with the attitude 'I may not be able to wrap my head around a higher power but I am willing to be helped'.

You go watch the sunrise and as it comes up.... You try with ALL your power to make the sun NOT rise. If you cannot, then you admit through your own experience there is obviously some power greater than yourself.

You put out at least enough faith that if millions of others can get and remain sober by taking the steps and making changes in their lives.... Maybe you can too.

You realize that going to meetings won't do it, it is YOU that you must actively work on.

You don't drink, TODAY.

You take action.

You stop doing the pattern-based things that keep you locked in the cycle.

You start doing the new things that support a rich, healthy, blessed life of sobriety.

You put down your pride and your ego and your doubt and your justification and your resistance and you say out loud and from the heart; 'I WANT TO LIVE!!!! Please help me!!'

When you look back upon those things from a sober vantage point you will be astounded at how hard you worked not to get sober.

We put so much energy into remaining drunk and miserable......

herradura

Something that helped me a lot if to settle down when I get the urge to go drinking and take 5 minutes and think it through. What is going to happen when you drink, is it going to be fun, exiting, and experience new unfound happiness? No it is not. It is going to suck, it does not deliver what it used to, it does not work for you anymore.

It sounds like you are making progress, and only need to not snap a few more times and then you will get where you want to be. Keep working it and try to think it out. Habits are hard to break, good luck.

strategery

A lot of us here are the same way, which I hope provides you some comfort. I wish I could drink responsibly, but I am not built that way either.

anattaboy

For whatever reason, either reading the AVRT stuff or I was just sick of the same game or both, I can see the "eff-it" before it builds momentum and SHUT THAT BITCH DOWN (the Addictive Voice). Few other behaviors require this much attention to thought but it's not a bad practice all around. Thinking/talking it all the way through with a sober person that knows you (and we do) has helped me more than once. Never has a relapse worked out for me. Meetings are the best place for phone #'s and may require several visits to get a feel for someone you can relate to. Also there is here. Got any family on your side for abstinence? Whatever it takes. Best wishes on getting over this hump. You will if you keep looking.