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I self medicate.

Old 10-31-2014, 02:09 PM
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I self medicate.

I keep trying. Its amazing how long I have been coming here. I get sober, then I don't. I have spoken with counsellors, therapists, my wife. I self medicate, because the pain inside cant come out, and drinking lets it come out slowly in my tears. My mother died 2 years ago, my sister 10 years ago, my father just a few months ago. I have so much in my life.. two houses, a nice shiney car, a good woman. I also have a 170 pound bag of **** I drag around all day..so much rage, and hatred, so much pain and disappointment. I don't really know anymore. I was sober for huge amounts of time, and that did not fill me up either. God? must be laughing... Just letting you know I am still alive, and struggling.
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Old 10-31-2014, 02:13 PM
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Have you tried a 6-12 month rehab option my friend ?
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Old 10-31-2014, 02:18 PM
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Originally Posted by losteverything View Post
I self medicate, because the pain inside cant come out, and drinking lets it come out slowly in my tears
I'm sure you know Lost, but drinking doesn't let the pain come out. It simply postpones it until you get sober again, and most times actually makes it worse.
Drinking is the problem, not the solution.

You mention you've spoken with therapists - on a regular basis? Some folks do need medications - but prescribed and controlled, not purchased at a liquor store. Have you tried AA? How about outpatient treatment? Or maybe even inpatient?

I know the depths of despair that Drinking can take you to, I've been there as many of the rest of us have. I don't have a concrete answer for you but keep trying as there is a better way, drinking is never a better option.
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Old 10-31-2014, 02:21 PM
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(((((losteverything)))))

I'm so very sorry for your pain, but it doesn't have to be like this. It takes courage and determination to change, but as long as you're alive and struggling it's never too late. Drinking won't take the pain away, it will only mask it for a while (but you know this). What help have you had so far?
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Old 10-31-2014, 02:23 PM
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I definitely know the feeling. I self-medicated for 20 years. It is extremely difficult to fill that emptiness inside once you have stopped 'medicating', especially after you have lost loved ones. It's not easy, but you can do it. I believe that we all have something very special and joyful deep inside of us. We just have to remind ourselves of that from time to time. We may have to rid our minds and our bodies of the poison, that we have depended upon for so many years, to find it, but it is there. I am praying for you. 😀
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Old 10-31-2014, 02:24 PM
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Many of us have tried to drink away the pain or fear, Lost; I certainly did but drinking got me absolutely nowhere; it neither alleviated or reduced the pain and it certainly didn't eliminate it.

I echo the others above; have you tried a regular program of AA? Rehab - inpatient or outpatient?

Don't give up, Lost. Your by-line said that you had lost everything but you mention a wife, two houses, a shiny car. . . . . Maybe everything you have lost is internal; mine was; internal wreckage is awful; do seek help.
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Old 10-31-2014, 02:34 PM
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I'm so sorry for your loss and your pain, but I agree with the other Lost - please don't give up.

If it was true drinking helps you deal with this stuff you've have cried yourself out and worked through your pain ages ago.

What drinking actually does, in my experience, is keep the pain fresh....so fresh that the only solution at hand is to drink and numb ourselves some more.

I was terrified of dealing with any of my baggage. Drinking was a way of not really dealing with it for me.

I promise you the fear of dealing with this is greater than the pain of actually dealing with it.

I had a huge bag I was carrying around too...It took me a long time to empty it and to deal with what was in it. - but I wasn't alone - and you don;t have to be either.

you can do this LE...find the right kind of help and support, and commit yourself to putting down the bag - forever

D
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Old 10-31-2014, 02:34 PM
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Early in sobriety I had to decide if I would continue to run from pain and fear. I am glad I made the active choice to see what comes.

I think in the end the additional problems caused by the solution (alcohol) become overwhelming.

In sobriety my ability to tolerate discomfort, and my general resilience has increased markedly.

I hope you can find a way
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Old 10-31-2014, 02:54 PM
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What else is there? I do not ask this with complacency. What else is there? I was miserable, sober. I did that until I had my head full of just being miserable. What else is there? Should I shoot heroin, should I smoke bowl full of dope...what? That hole will be there... and do I want to make my sobriety my new job? Should I do psychologists, AA forever, AV, forever? I think I have a terminal malady. I wish to live sober, but sober life sucks just a little less than drunk... and what does it bother anyway? we will be all dead in 20-30 years...
.
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Old 10-31-2014, 02:57 PM
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I am afraid now of everything. I fear death, I fear lightening, I fear loud noises, I fear confrontation, I pretty much fear everything. I am no small guy.. 180 with a black belt... I don't know what to do...
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Old 10-31-2014, 03:01 PM
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I did the same thing, for almost 40 years! It wasn't until I admitted to myself that I had a problem, that I could begin to work through the underlying reasons for my addictions.

Talking with a counselor openly and honestly was the best thing I ever did. Getting an unbiased opinion on the things that were causing my drinking and using changed my life. A fresh perspective from someone who you have never met, could be a turning point for you... it was for me. There was a lot of crying and emotions while I worked through the trauma's from my past but it was completely worth it to get someone else's take on my situation.

Making the decision to go to AA, get a sponsor and work the steps has made a dramatic change in my life as well. Getting to the root cause(s) of my addiction and working through each of them has been key to my sobriety. Attending meetings and making sober friends has been nothing short of miraculous.

Keep your chin up, there is help for you available... if you look in the right places.

Good Luck!
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Old 10-31-2014, 03:14 PM
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Originally Posted by losteverything View Post
What else is there? I do not ask this with complacency. What else is there? I was miserable, sober. I did that until I had my head full of just being miserable. What else is there? Should I shoot heroin, should I smoke bowl full of dope...what? That hole will be there... and do I want to make my sobriety my new job? Should I do psychologists, AA forever, AV, forever? I think I have a terminal malady. I wish to live sober, but sober life sucks just a little less than drunk... and what does it bother anyway? we will be all dead in 20-30 years...
.
lost, I am so sorry you feel this way and I can somewhat relate.
Have you REALLY given AA, therapy, meds, etc a real working chance? Be honest now.

The only other option to trying until something works (and trying smarter) is to give up. You're posting here for help so you already realise giving up is a crappy option and you have the courage to keep fighting.

Because try try try try try try try try try try try try try try try try try try try try try try try try Succeed! Is the brave way forward and you are doing that right now.
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Old 10-31-2014, 03:22 PM
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I agree with Stevie; try something, Lost, and give it ALL you've got; put your everything into it. Sometimes your program takes forever (but is that really so bad????); I know some AA lifers and they are truly happy to be such. You won't know until you give it a truly valiant try.

Rooting for you, Lost. Don't let alcoholism win.
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Old 10-31-2014, 03:33 PM
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Originally Posted by losteverything View Post
What else is there? I do not ask this with complacency. What else is there? I was miserable, sober. I did that until I had my head full of just being miserable. What else is there? Should I shoot heroin, should I smoke bowl full of dope...what? That hole will be there... and do I want to make my sobriety my new job? Should I do psychologists, AA forever, AV, forever? I think I have a terminal malady. I wish to live sober, but sober life sucks just a little less than drunk... and what does it bother anyway? we will be all dead in 20-30 years...
.
You sound a lot like my brother. His favorite phrase is "nothing tastes" and he too has that fatalistic view that we are all going to "worm food" in the end so why bother. But YOU are bothering by posting here. YOU are reaching out for help. So there is something inside of you (you may not think so now) that wants life, not death. You want peace in sobriety, not pseudo-peace that chemicals bring. Worse case scenario- so what IF you have to make sobriety your new job? Isn't life worth it? We all have a terminal malady called life. It CAN be a good one...really!
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Old 10-31-2014, 03:40 PM
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If you were miserable sober you weren't doing it right Lost.

Not saying that to slap you around either - to achieve happiness sober I had to not only stop drinking, but deal with the underlying issues I used to drink for as well.

I also had to change my life as well cos my old life was all about drinking and self medication.

Both those things are tough and they take time to deal with. Support makes the going easier but it still takes a good deal of time and commitment.

There's no easy fix, I'm afraid - but if you stick with it I promise you that you can deal with that void - not by filling it, but by *healing* it.

If you're like me you gave years to drinking - honestly, how much time did you give to sobriety?

D
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Old 10-31-2014, 03:54 PM
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I'm sorry for your losses and your suffering.

I hope that you won't give up. I hope if you stay sober and add things to your life that you enjoy, you will change your perspective on life.

Do you have activities in your life you enjoy? Do you have sober friends? Is your job fulfilling? I also wonder if you've talked to your dr about depression. It could be that a chemical imbalance is causing you to feel so sad. It might be an idea to consider medication.
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Old 10-31-2014, 04:01 PM
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Not to minimize your pain, but all of my family is dead too. They all died in just a few years. I'm not married and I only have one house.

So.

I stopped drinking eight months ago. Only when I stopped was I able to deal with all the things life had thrown at me in the last few years. The drinking was taking me to such a dark place that many days I wished I would just die. If it hadn't been for my two cats, no one would have known, since I'm not working right now.

Honestly, all of my past can be dealt with now. All I saw was tragedy and pain and self-pity when I was drinking and now life seems much less sad and I have ways to cope with the small annoyances. I am grateful that I do have a home and a car and hot water, and those two cats. I can't do a thing about my family being gone, I can't bring them back and I can't fix wrongs that have happened. Why dwell on them? It just makes me feel bad. I choose to try to find positives where I can. That's all I have, my attitude and my view of the way things are. Alcohol does nothing but make me feel depression and pain.

I agree that you may benefit from getting to an AA meeting where people understand and can help you. I hope you are able to stop drinking before you really lose everything. It gets better quickly if you can just stay away from the drink.
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Old 11-01-2014, 03:50 AM
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I didn't know I was drinking and drugging to medicate. And every time it was suggested, I laughed.

Ha! I do it for FUN!

I finally realized it was medicating.

And now I'm finally starting to get at the feelings I was trying to treat.

It's not easy, but it is so much better than being a slave to that mad cycle.

AA has really helped me. Therapy alongside it.
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Old 11-01-2014, 04:38 AM
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Losteverything, I'm new here and new in my latest forge into sobriety but I will say this: you can drink enough to black out every day and it will never make the pain go away. Reason for that is twofold: chemically, the alcohol is rewiring your pain every day so that the on,y way it can make itself happy is to have alcohol. Two: the only way to get through pain is to go through the fire. Avoiding it won't work. Pushing it down won't work. You have to put on your fire suit, jump in, and go through it.

When you go to therapists and counseling, are you honest with them? With yourself? Do you do the hard, soul searching work that needs to be done? Do you apply the new coping mechanisms they try to teach you? Talking helps, but nothing changes if nothing changes.

I self medicate too. I medicate for loneliness. But you know what? If I am honest, and it's really hard to do! The truth is I make myself lonely. I had to leave home at 17 because it was abusive. I have no family, so I've had to create one. But I haven't. I push people away, I hide within myself, I build up walls. The good thing is, I can change. The actual problem is what's wrong is the only thing that I actually DO have the power to change: myself and my attitude. And that's a pretty empowering thing to realize.

I'm so sorry you've experienced the deaths of a lot of loved ones. But drinking won't bring them back. Drinking won't heal the pain. It doesn't even let you go through the pain. It's like you're In a time loop. You'll keep feeling it deeper every day as long as you drink.

You need to stop drinking. You need to let your brain chemically feel happiness again. You need to grieve, bawl your eyes out, break things, whatever makes you feel better. Then you need to move on. You can do it. Find a therapist that you click with. Find a friend or sponsor in AA that you can lean on. You can do it. Life sometimes is filled with loss... But it's your choice to fill it up again.
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Old 11-01-2014, 06:52 AM
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How are you feeling today, losteverything?

I wanted to come back and post a link to SandyB's famous speech, "Drop the Rock," because of the wording you used "170 lb bag of _ _ _ _"

The Famous "Drop The Rock" Talk - 1972 - RecoveryAudio.org


From experience I can tell you it feels really good to let go of that

((blessings))
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