MamaHope

Hi guys, I've been lurking for the past few days and this site has helped me tremendously. I wanted to sign up and share my thoughts in the hopes that it will help me further to achieve my goals, whatever they may be.

So a little background. My drinking has crept up on my over the past 10 years. I started out a 'normal' drinker but after the birth of my first child and not having a permanent place to live I began drinking daily. It was a half bottle of wine a night for a few years, which gradually progressed to an entire bottle. This doesn't count for the binge drinking episodes I would engage in on my monthly night out in which I would drink ridiculous amounts. Over the last 2 years I had began occasionally drinking from the afternoon instead of the just the evenings. That's when I knew I had a drink problem but I could not imagine life without a drink at the end of the day. It wasn't that I NEEDED it physically, but more that I WANTED it mentally to unwind and relaxed. I perceived life without wine as boring and food without wine was just not as delicious. Over the past 6 months I had progressed to adding a small bottle of vodka with mixer to the nightly routine. My weight has sky rocketed and my self esteem has taken a huge hit. I've done so many shameful things whilst drunk (big binges) and I have lost friends and/or their respect.

I was determined to make a change last summer in order to lose weight and managed 2 weeks, which were great. I worked out and lost weight. Then I had a foot injury and couldn't work out. Feeling sorry for myself and that the world was against me I went right back to my nightly bottle of wine. My turning has come because again, I want to lose weight. But more importantly cracking open bottle of wine at 1pm made me feel ashamed and guilty. I hid an empty from my husband for the first time and knew this was it. I have to make a change before I become a full blown alcoholic, if I am not one already. I didn't want to have to think about when it 'okay' to drink. There is so much more to this whole story but not enough time in the day to express.

So here I am, 9 days sober. The first 2 days were the hardest. Fatigue and anxiety enveloped me. I was crying all time and feeling very low with negative thoughts about myself. Thankfully, no shakes, headaches or other nasty side effects. Over the next few days these eased off, but they are still there every now and again.

So now I'm thinking towards the further and what I want it to look like. Part of me wants to never touch the stuff again, just to prove something to myself. But another part of me wants to have a normal life, with the occasional drink on Christmas and birthdays (not drink to get drunk). But then I feel scared that maybe I might lose control again. I know that I CAN stop at a glass when I want to, but I choose not to because naively I felt that it wasn't much of a big deal and that I was somehow invincible to any side effects. I can be very hard headed and nonchalant about things and that's where my problem lies.

Like a stroke of luck, my long awaiting appt with a psychologist has arrived for next week. I feel positive and feel that this is my reward for making a change recently. I suffered a traumatic childhood and my husband has paid the price. I agreed to see someone in order to mend my soul and give our marriage a chance. I'm looking forward to addressing my issues without using alcohol as some kind of clutch. I've been thinking lightly about suicide over the past year so I know I need this.

I still think about wine everyday. Mostly in a positive way, such as seeing the good side of quitting and thinking how well I've done. I've also quit a nasty weed habit that was killing my finances. I'm feeling in control. I just don't know what I want to do about drinking in the furure. My first goal is 90 days, but I really want to go a year. Right now I can't imagine an entire life without the odd glass of wine. Is that the addiction talking? Or have I recognised that I've nipped this in the bud and maybe one day I can be 'normal'

Thanks for reading my long post. I've wanted to get things off my chest for a while. My husband is wonderful person but he doesn't appreciate how hard this is for me. He drank often aswell, but not as much as me and only because I purchased it. He doesn't buy it or think about drinking or care. he stops and starts as he pleases and does not have a particular liking for it like me. His mother was a heavy drinker so maybe he doesn't see it as a great thing, understandably. I wish I could be more like him.

lhtlZ

Welcome MomaHope, glad you found SR. Wish I could tell you that I was long time sober - but I can't ( yet!) What I can tell you is that SR has been the single most important source to help me stop drinking. I encourage you to keep reading even if you don't post much.

Your story is all too familiar to me. Except my first 10 years of drinking a bottle of wine turned Into 25 years and a couple stiff martinis and 1-2 bottles of wine every night. I applaud you for having the self- knowledge and courage to know you have to deal with your drinking now - not 25 years from now.

I have been on the SR site for 52 days- 26 of them sober - except not consecutively. I'm learning that when I fall off I can get back up and try again. I scour through this site 2-3 times a day for support.

Keep at it and you will become who you are meant to be!

Chiffon

to SR

plansimake

As someone on day two (and got that fatigue and anxiety) nine days sounds like a wonderful accomplishment to me I'm not craving, but can't say I feel great, but still better than waking up with hungover anxiety attacks

I also feel that I want to be normal, and be able to socially drink occasionally, but I know that it is simply not an option for me unless I want to lose everything (again), so I am trying to keep in mind that there are millions of people that don't drink at all that have normalcy down pat.

I feel weird giving advice being only on the second day, but keep on keeping on... your story and sobriety can inspire people, I like reading posts like yours because I know ultimately I am not alone in this, nor are you.

Namaste.

Tang

I'm no expert, but if you think about wine everyday as your goto item for happiness, you may have difficulty moderating long term. I don't think normal drinkers think about alcohol everyday. I could be wrong but I know I can't moderate, even if I have periods of control. It ends up controlling me.

biminiblue

If I went into this thinking that it was only for a month or a year, I would not be able to completely heal.

I tried the "take a month off, oh look, I did it, let's drink again" trick. It always ends up the same - as soon as I go back all the bad stuff starts to happen, and I'm right back to my former levels of drinking within a short time. I just never want to feel that way again. Out of control, wracked with anxiety and depression. Never moving forward. It never worked for me.

Accepting that I'll never drink again has been liberating. Freedom from that kind of self-inflicted pain is the only thing that makes sense.

Soberwolf

Good luck Mamahope

MamaHope

Thank you for your kind words and responses, I can't begin to express how helpful they are. And you know, deep down I think I know that I can't drink again. I think I just needed to say it out loud, squeeze the thoughts to the surface and set them free. The thought of drinking wine actually scares me. I've been giving myself small goals to make me feel like it isn't such a long road. I'm trying to accept that it isn't a road, it's my foundation and if I want to live a long healthy and alert life, the drink must go. Man, I can't lie. I feel so angry at myself for this. How did I let this become so bad. How did I justify drinking every night in the first place. Why didn't I seek help sooner. I'm very alone in this. My husband is the only person that knows I'm on this journey. I never looked like a drinker, I'm still fairly young and apart from becoming fluffier, still look half decent. nobody ever guessed my problem. Everyone just thought I could handle my drink when I did drink. I was labelled a 'lightweight' which would make me shriek with laughter because if only they knew.

MamaHope

Hey don't feel weird giving advice, those first couple of days I had so many waves of clarity. Things were clicking in my mind, so your advice is precious.

Well done on making it to the second day, this is the hardest part so please take solace in the fact that things will get better and better in the next few days.

MamaHope

I see what you mean. It's almost as if I'm trying to reward myself after periods of being dry. Which really means that I am still a slave to the bottle. Hopefully I can remember this when the time comes. I'm not sure how I will feel after months of sobriety.

anattaboy

Welcome! I wish you the best on continued sobriety. I've found SR to be a big help.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Mamahope!!

MythOfSisyphus

Welcome to SR, MamaHope! Whatever you want out of life you're more likely to figure it out and make it happen sober. SR is a great resource, I think you'll like it here.

LBrain

welcome mamahope,
That you think about wine every day may be an indicator you probably will not be able to be an occasional drinker. Good luck.

DickySix

We are in this together Mamahope,

I am approaching 7 days. I have found this time around i have finally decided enough is enough. It has changed my whole approach on life. Hoping my thought process stays this way

aborkie

The future is basically a life or death situation for many of us. At 45 I had to stop. What's in my future? Who knows, but I'll live to find out.

MelindaFlowers

I can relate to so much in your story. I got sick of trying to find the times when it was "okay" to drink like you said. I liked going places were other people were drinking, but the problem is they only had one or two and I looked weird having eight or 10. It was just more stress than it was worth.

Don't get caught up too much in the future. We can always worry about Christmas or New Year's when they come. You say that you could have one glass of wine and stop. I know for me that when I would have one glass of wine it would start the craving and then I would drink 10. If I did stop at one which was extremely rare and only happened when I could not get anymore, I found that I was more anxious after one then just zero.

One drink was torture for me. Three drinks was torture for me. Right around 10 or 12 was where I wanted and needed to be. Why bother with one drink?

Hereandnow2

Mama, your story is very much like mine! I'm now just shy of five months! I have a hard time thinking about forever too. I'm a planner so I tend to think to the future. I am going to aa meetings, sponsor, working the steps, exceed using, starting to make new friends, and a few new hobbies. I'm also committed to one year of sobriety. I these are a few things that have helped me. Pm me if you want

SonomaGal

Hi there,

It took me a good while to get comfortable with not drinking. I pretty much powered through it as best as I could because I honestly wanted to see how it would be to not drink and be comfortable with it. Now that I've gone a little over a year sober I can definitely say it's the best decision I've made. Life is just so much more manageable and rewarding without hangovers, and constant worrying about drinking. You're on the right path!

Grungehead

I know that when I was 9 days sober what I wanted from the future was 10 days sober. I know that may seem over simplistic, but at 9 days sober looking too far into the future was overwhelming for me and not a good way to get past day 10.