Abandonment
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Abandonment
In sobriety, I have realized that my alcoholism was an extreme case of self abandonment. I have been doing my best to remedy myself..to experience "me" fully and completely. I've been doing the work...
But I let someone in...to my life, my heart, my trust.
I thought he was a good one.
I took the time...
We get close...
And he abandons me.
I'm having a very hard time making sense of it all. I was at home...minding my own business.
And someone seeks me out...pursues me.
And leaves me.
I wasn't LOOKING ya know...
That's why I thought is was okay!
I'm mad at my Higher Power right now. Why send a wolf in sheep's clothing...why send him now?
It just doesn't feel fair...
I find myself....I try to do the right things. I look after myself with the best of my newly constructed abilities ..and I still fail.
Someone leaves the real me..
Not the drinking me...
And that just destroys my understanding of everything.
How do I process this?
How do I not be angry with the powers that be.
But I let someone in...to my life, my heart, my trust.
I thought he was a good one.
I took the time...
We get close...
And he abandons me.
I'm having a very hard time making sense of it all. I was at home...minding my own business.
And someone seeks me out...pursues me.
And leaves me.
I wasn't LOOKING ya know...
That's why I thought is was okay!
I'm mad at my Higher Power right now. Why send a wolf in sheep's clothing...why send him now?
It just doesn't feel fair...
I find myself....I try to do the right things. I look after myself with the best of my newly constructed abilities ..and I still fail.
Someone leaves the real me..
Not the drinking me...
And that just destroys my understanding of everything.
How do I process this?
How do I not be angry with the powers that be.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
That would take me a while also to figure out or process Nuu!!
I think though even the Sober versions of ourselves aren't compatible with everyone out there, so it's not a success/failure type of a situation, relationships aren't all destined to be successful, regardless of Sobriety, they either work or they don't based on the variables of compatibility!!
The other thing is allowing this to damage your faith in humanity and in yourself is something to push through, keep putting in the work, don't abandon the plan or the Sober project over this one person.
When the right person comes along, then you'll definitely be ready for it!!
Hang in there!!
I think though even the Sober versions of ourselves aren't compatible with everyone out there, so it's not a success/failure type of a situation, relationships aren't all destined to be successful, regardless of Sobriety, they either work or they don't based on the variables of compatibility!!
The other thing is allowing this to damage your faith in humanity and in yourself is something to push through, keep putting in the work, don't abandon the plan or the Sober project over this one person.
When the right person comes along, then you'll definitely be ready for it!!
Hang in there!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Oh, honey. The two of you weren't meant to be. It can't be forced. You both left each other. The timing just wasn't right - it isn't you. It isn't him. It just is.
Please don't go down that path of "I wasn't good enough." That way lies misery. That's your "ic" talking.
Please don't go down that path of "I wasn't good enough." That way lies misery. That's your "ic" talking.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: liverpool, england
Posts: 1,708
what makes you think the higher power sent this person into your life ?
the peoblem with early recovery nu is that when something good comes into our life we tend to think there is someone out there making it happen and that life is wonderful etc
when things go bad we then have to struggle with trying to make sense of it all when the best option would be to try to not attach things to one in the first place then there is nothing to blame when bad luck comes our way
did the chap tell you why he was leaving ? as only he knows why he didnt want to take things futher he will have his own side to things and see you the way he sees you etc
its never easy 2 people meeting and then finding out that maybe there not the right one after all but it does seem to be harder for alcholics to take as in our own minds we are perfect : ) etc
i had many a run in with love relationships that i got hurt from as they walked away from me once they got to know me not that i was really bad but i was clingy to them i felling in love far to easy but i didnt know this until i had learned this from the guys in aa
there wisdom in telling me to wait a year for example before i even tried dating was a wise one for me in fact it should of been much longer but would i listen ? would i hell as i knew it all and how dare they tell me not to have one etc
its all part of growing in my eyes, when my son died i to thought about why and had a real run in battle over the god issue in aa and how people believe it protects them and gives them everything that is good
i tell them thats great for you as it is now as your not losing anything but wait until something bad happens in your life and then see how you feel
but i learned somthing more valuable for me and its that because i dont believe in a god i can not blame one should anything go wrong in my life
if things go wrong its because i have done somthing or just bad luck that happens to us all somewhere along the road
in short i go to aa for my drink problem and its saved me from it but only from my drink problem, its helping me live a good life but its not going to provide me with a good life unless i do all the work, a good life means i am sober and able to deal with things good or bad, a good life isnt one where i get everything i want on a plate with no cost at all etc although some do run away with the idea that giving up the drink will cure everything in the world and it doesnt as there is a real world out there with real problems to be faced
the bottom line is if you stay sober when pain hits then that really is amazing as staying sober when everything is going good is the easy part
the peoblem with early recovery nu is that when something good comes into our life we tend to think there is someone out there making it happen and that life is wonderful etc
when things go bad we then have to struggle with trying to make sense of it all when the best option would be to try to not attach things to one in the first place then there is nothing to blame when bad luck comes our way
did the chap tell you why he was leaving ? as only he knows why he didnt want to take things futher he will have his own side to things and see you the way he sees you etc
its never easy 2 people meeting and then finding out that maybe there not the right one after all but it does seem to be harder for alcholics to take as in our own minds we are perfect : ) etc
i had many a run in with love relationships that i got hurt from as they walked away from me once they got to know me not that i was really bad but i was clingy to them i felling in love far to easy but i didnt know this until i had learned this from the guys in aa
there wisdom in telling me to wait a year for example before i even tried dating was a wise one for me in fact it should of been much longer but would i listen ? would i hell as i knew it all and how dare they tell me not to have one etc
its all part of growing in my eyes, when my son died i to thought about why and had a real run in battle over the god issue in aa and how people believe it protects them and gives them everything that is good
i tell them thats great for you as it is now as your not losing anything but wait until something bad happens in your life and then see how you feel
but i learned somthing more valuable for me and its that because i dont believe in a god i can not blame one should anything go wrong in my life
if things go wrong its because i have done somthing or just bad luck that happens to us all somewhere along the road
in short i go to aa for my drink problem and its saved me from it but only from my drink problem, its helping me live a good life but its not going to provide me with a good life unless i do all the work, a good life means i am sober and able to deal with things good or bad, a good life isnt one where i get everything i want on a plate with no cost at all etc although some do run away with the idea that giving up the drink will cure everything in the world and it doesnt as there is a real world out there with real problems to be faced
the bottom line is if you stay sober when pain hits then that really is amazing as staying sober when everything is going good is the easy part
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,860
Nuu,
Reading this, my heart hurts for you.
Broken trust is a terrible thing. It's a betrayal that leaves us in shreds. Mine was not the same situation as yours, but it left behind a similar cut. We think we weren't good enough. The real us. Gotta be us. We default to that being the only plausible explanation.
Bunk!
And you wanna know what? We're great. You're great, Nuu.
Sometimes, when we reach out to others -- as you so often do and with such a genuine spirit -- we see things more clearly. Cast that bright insight on yourself.
Wish I could wave my Harry Potter wand and teleport the savvy dames of SR to your side for tea and cake. Absent that, be extra kind to yourself today.
Ven
Reading this, my heart hurts for you.
Broken trust is a terrible thing. It's a betrayal that leaves us in shreds. Mine was not the same situation as yours, but it left behind a similar cut. We think we weren't good enough. The real us. Gotta be us. We default to that being the only plausible explanation.
Bunk!
And you wanna know what? We're great. You're great, Nuu.
Sometimes, when we reach out to others -- as you so often do and with such a genuine spirit -- we see things more clearly. Cast that bright insight on yourself.
Wish I could wave my Harry Potter wand and teleport the savvy dames of SR to your side for tea and cake. Absent that, be extra kind to yourself today.
Ven
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,859
Sweet Nuu; it wasn't you; it wasn't him; it just wasn't meant. Sometimes we never know why someone comes into our lives and simply isn't there one day. But we try and learn from the relationship - maybe learn a lesson or take something good from it and carry it with us.
That relationship . . . .
Perhaps it came to merely linger
To temporarily abide
Perhaps it came to change the tide.
Something really good is coming, Nuu.
That relationship . . . .
Perhaps it came to merely linger
To temporarily abide
Perhaps it came to change the tide.
Something really good is coming, Nuu.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Thank you all. It's just so very hard. I know I played equal part.
I'm just upset because I feel like I was "plucked out" of my life..when I was doing everything in my power to do the RIGHT things...
And it all went horribly sideways.
Is this the horrible stuff I have to face? How does a newly sober person defend themselves against someone who you're every concept about them...is that of a good nice guy. Someone you could trust...someone you could allow in?
It wasn't like I was out there looking?
Why do I have to come face to face with this tidal wave ...at 4 months.
What freaking person will deny the opportunity to know someone ..from their past...that their every indication is that they are ...GOOD.
I wouldn't have done this with a STRANGER.
I feel like I was set up for the perfect storm.
I'm just upset because I feel like I was "plucked out" of my life..when I was doing everything in my power to do the RIGHT things...
And it all went horribly sideways.
Is this the horrible stuff I have to face? How does a newly sober person defend themselves against someone who you're every concept about them...is that of a good nice guy. Someone you could trust...someone you could allow in?
It wasn't like I was out there looking?
Why do I have to come face to face with this tidal wave ...at 4 months.
What freaking person will deny the opportunity to know someone ..from their past...that their every indication is that they are ...GOOD.
I wouldn't have done this with a STRANGER.
I feel like I was set up for the perfect storm.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Hi Nu i remember when this guy was first mentioned by you and i cant lie i thought even at 4 months it was way too soon to think about entering into something like this no matter how good it seemed
im so sorry that it hasnt worked out and hope that it doesnt continue to affect you like this
really sdorry Nudawn big hugs
im so sorry that it hasnt worked out and hope that it doesnt continue to affect you like this
really sdorry Nudawn big hugs
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Hi Nuudawn.
As others have suggested, it's an extremely challenging thing to not take such events personally. Whatever people around us do or don't do, it's a reflection of the other person's character, and only that. Over time, I came to learn that what happens to me is the result of other people’s actions, thoughts, and feelings — which I am not responsible for. And I've gradually come to spend little or no time wondering why others do the things they do, and much more time thinking about what I will do about it.
As I commented previously, it's more than likely that you were simply too much for him. People who suffocate themselves (and who thereby keep others at a "safe" distance) with their schedules, especially their work schedules, always have a built-in excuse for avoiding intimacy or genuine human interactions generally. I used to think that it was more about my not being enough for the other person, but I've since learned otherwise. Such things as intimacy, though they may be important to me, are only sometimes important to other people, including people who I'm attracted to.
Relationships are negotiated space; the prepackaged varieties are never as good as those made from scratch. Anyone who uses a "rule book" for such things is either as terrified as a frightened child, controlling in the extreme (which amounts to being terrified) or otherwise psychologically underdeveloped. If people discover early on that they're not able to do business with us without making what for them are intolerable adjustments, then it's a good time to move on.
As others have suggested, it's an extremely challenging thing to not take such events personally. Whatever people around us do or don't do, it's a reflection of the other person's character, and only that. Over time, I came to learn that what happens to me is the result of other people’s actions, thoughts, and feelings — which I am not responsible for. And I've gradually come to spend little or no time wondering why others do the things they do, and much more time thinking about what I will do about it.
As I commented previously, it's more than likely that you were simply too much for him. People who suffocate themselves (and who thereby keep others at a "safe" distance) with their schedules, especially their work schedules, always have a built-in excuse for avoiding intimacy or genuine human interactions generally. I used to think that it was more about my not being enough for the other person, but I've since learned otherwise. Such things as intimacy, though they may be important to me, are only sometimes important to other people, including people who I'm attracted to.
Relationships are negotiated space; the prepackaged varieties are never as good as those made from scratch. Anyone who uses a "rule book" for such things is either as terrified as a frightened child, controlling in the extreme (which amounts to being terrified) or otherwise psychologically underdeveloped. If people discover early on that they're not able to do business with us without making what for them are intolerable adjustments, then it's a good time to move on.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: London
Posts: 32
When things are painful you feel pain and it takes time for that to heal. Stay strong and remember that tomorrow really is another day, concentrate on seeing something positive in it. There will be something. I really feel for you.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,357
Originally Posted by Nuudawn 
I'm sorry..I know I'm wallowing in self pity.
I feel pathetic.
I feel pathetic.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Dear Nuu... I am so sorry about this whole experience and the way you keep feeling about it. You will get a lot of feedback on this here on SR I am sure. Here is mine. IT IS NOT YOU! It's not about you.
I see mainly two possibilities.
1. I think that rejection in personal relationships, when there is no obvious reason, is often not truly rejection of the other person, but the self (of who is rejecting). Behaving this way, he rejects himself primarily, before everything else. It's a self-defense, most likely driven by his own insecurities. He runs away from his fears by rejecting you, because most likely he does not know how to deal with it otherwise. It may well be that you (or what happened between the two of you) actually had a far too strong, overwhelming effect on him emotionally, and he got scared. He ran away from you because he does not know how to face himself and such a consuming response from his own self. He never learned how to deal with such a thing probably in a healthy, interpersonally nurturing way, but probably he learned this kind of response in his past. And he just repeats it. You said on another thread that this man usually pulls out the "busy card"... So... It's NOT YOU, he is running from himself.
I am telling you the above not only as an analysis, but I had this experience myself. I reacted to overwhelming situations that way (rejecting others, before they could reject me) in the past. Not once. And only understood later... after hurting several people. Sad cowardly reality, and my version of the struggle with vulnerability.
2. Maybe it's simply just not a compatible combination, you and him, and that's all. In that case, there is really no other question. Some people are a good fit, others are not, and we don't always see who is or is not a match for us in the beginning. It has nothing to do with anyone's self worth. A new relationship is always a new experiment in a way...
I have no good advice for you regarding how to move on from your current feelings and state, but I know you have great friends here who will be able to talk to you about it more.
I also love the new avvie. What better expression of vulnerability? It's a good thing, Nuu; you will find men in the future that will tell you this, just like us virtual friends!
EDIT: Just read that Mr Black Cat has already posted some of the same things above me while I was writing... and others as well... so I guess these are probably really the things about it!
I see mainly two possibilities.
1. I think that rejection in personal relationships, when there is no obvious reason, is often not truly rejection of the other person, but the self (of who is rejecting). Behaving this way, he rejects himself primarily, before everything else. It's a self-defense, most likely driven by his own insecurities. He runs away from his fears by rejecting you, because most likely he does not know how to deal with it otherwise. It may well be that you (or what happened between the two of you) actually had a far too strong, overwhelming effect on him emotionally, and he got scared. He ran away from you because he does not know how to face himself and such a consuming response from his own self. He never learned how to deal with such a thing probably in a healthy, interpersonally nurturing way, but probably he learned this kind of response in his past. And he just repeats it. You said on another thread that this man usually pulls out the "busy card"... So... It's NOT YOU, he is running from himself.
I am telling you the above not only as an analysis, but I had this experience myself. I reacted to overwhelming situations that way (rejecting others, before they could reject me) in the past. Not once. And only understood later... after hurting several people. Sad cowardly reality, and my version of the struggle with vulnerability.
2. Maybe it's simply just not a compatible combination, you and him, and that's all. In that case, there is really no other question. Some people are a good fit, others are not, and we don't always see who is or is not a match for us in the beginning. It has nothing to do with anyone's self worth. A new relationship is always a new experiment in a way...
I have no good advice for you regarding how to move on from your current feelings and state, but I know you have great friends here who will be able to talk to you about it more.
I also love the new avvie. What better expression of vulnerability? It's a good thing, Nuu; you will find men in the future that will tell you this, just like us virtual friends!
EDIT: Just read that Mr Black Cat has already posted some of the same things above me while I was writing... and others as well... so I guess these are probably really the things about it!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
My last relationship was with someone I had known for 40 years. It really sucked when it didn't work, because it had transported me ( in my mind ) to the seventh grade me. I hadn't visited my hometown in 30 years, and he was still there. The pull was huge...for me. For him, he was three times married and divorced. Ex-addict, sober for lots of years. He was in the midst of a lot of drama including a new job and a foreclosure. Of course, it took me a while from 3000 miles away to ferret out all this stuff.
I didn't have any badness going on in my life and had been single a lot of years, so I was open and ready. He was shut down like a snapping turtle's mouth. I gave it my best shot. It didn't work out, and I'm glad I didn't uproot my life to be with him like I was tempted to do - and like he suggested.
When we split, I cut off all contact. Facebook, email blocked. Neither of us made any further attempts to contact one another. It still was hard - I had built up a whole little story about us that started when we were 12. There was a lot to work through for me. I journalled in OneNote (Windows) for months. There was a lot of stuff I was angry and hurt about. Dreams squashed. It's never easy - but I came out of it with new lessons, as always.
I learned to be careful and to guard my heart. I make everything romantic and larger than life. Not saying I will remember this lesson- but there is it.
I didn't have any badness going on in my life and had been single a lot of years, so I was open and ready. He was shut down like a snapping turtle's mouth. I gave it my best shot. It didn't work out, and I'm glad I didn't uproot my life to be with him like I was tempted to do - and like he suggested.
When we split, I cut off all contact. Facebook, email blocked. Neither of us made any further attempts to contact one another. It still was hard - I had built up a whole little story about us that started when we were 12. There was a lot to work through for me. I journalled in OneNote (Windows) for months. There was a lot of stuff I was angry and hurt about. Dreams squashed. It's never easy - but I came out of it with new lessons, as always.
I learned to be careful and to guard my heart. I make everything romantic and larger than life. Not saying I will remember this lesson- but there is it.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Originally Posted by haennie
Just read that Mr Black Cat has already posted some of the same things above me while I was writing... and others as well... so I guess these are probably really the things about it!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
I cannot deny...that what you are all say is well..undeniable.
I suspected he would shut down. I even told him that. I said "My fear with you is that when you are upset, you will shut down and shut me out".
He responded with "No. I don't believe I will do that ...not with you"
The bolded part only came to me later...It is his pattern or why would he just not say..no I wouldn't do that. He has been letting me know...all along. He told me his "busyness" was ALWAYS a problem in relationship and that he was NOT going to change being busy.
When he texted last night with his continued stalling behaviour or "confusion" and I need time. Well...I guess I lost it. I finally PICKED UP the phone and gave him an earful. The truth is..he DOESN'T know me. He won't let himself. I let him know that there is something HORRIBLY wrong with a relationship that is dependent on text message...as he says he is a slow processor so prefers that style of communication. Again...DEFENSE MECHANISM.
Like a couple of wierdo's we still ended up texting until 6 a.m. In which he let me know that despite being married..twice. He has never been loved and the woman he has..well they just "settled for him"..that he was ALWAYS on the back burner.
I told him he was "chicken"...
Which he told me brought tears to his eyes...
So NO..he can't handle me. He can't handle himself.
Everything you guys are saying is right.
Thank you...so much.
And new Avatar..was actually my "original" Patsy avatar. It's how I felt when I started a sobriety journey last year..
AND well...it's pretty much how I feel RIGHT NOW.
I suspected he would shut down. I even told him that. I said "My fear with you is that when you are upset, you will shut down and shut me out".
He responded with "No. I don't believe I will do that ...not with you"
The bolded part only came to me later...It is his pattern or why would he just not say..no I wouldn't do that. He has been letting me know...all along. He told me his "busyness" was ALWAYS a problem in relationship and that he was NOT going to change being busy.
When he texted last night with his continued stalling behaviour or "confusion" and I need time. Well...I guess I lost it. I finally PICKED UP the phone and gave him an earful. The truth is..he DOESN'T know me. He won't let himself. I let him know that there is something HORRIBLY wrong with a relationship that is dependent on text message...as he says he is a slow processor so prefers that style of communication. Again...DEFENSE MECHANISM.
Like a couple of wierdo's we still ended up texting until 6 a.m. In which he let me know that despite being married..twice. He has never been loved and the woman he has..well they just "settled for him"..that he was ALWAYS on the back burner.
I told him he was "chicken"...
Which he told me brought tears to his eyes...
So NO..he can't handle me. He can't handle himself.
Everything you guys are saying is right.
Thank you...so much.
And new Avatar..was actually my "original" Patsy avatar. It's how I felt when I started a sobriety journey last year..
AND well...it's pretty much how I feel RIGHT NOW.
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