I'm here and that's a start
Not Alone
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: South East UK
Posts: 1,513
I'm here and that's a start
I'm using, I keep telling myself I'm not ready to get clean...again. I'm here, clouded in a mist of denial and justification. But I am here and I'm withdrawing, but I will use as soon as I can. I keep telling myself to get clean for my 25th birthday but I don't think I want too anymore. I'm kinda functioning and it scares me. I've never been able to be a 'functioning addict' if there is such a thing. I'm buying painkillers online and bloody swigging codeine linctus. I want to go to a meeting.
I don't want to feel the shame of walking back through those doors....again. I wasted nearly 2 years clean. I've been using tramadol and I run out, and promptly hit withdrawals. It was the worst I've had but I've come out of it and I'm alive. But I'll wanna use when there next delivered. I've rambled. Sorry
Natom
I don't want to feel the shame of walking back through those doors....again. I wasted nearly 2 years clean. I've been using tramadol and I run out, and promptly hit withdrawals. It was the worst I've had but I've come out of it and I'm alive. But I'll wanna use when there next delivered. I've rambled. Sorry
Natom
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
I'm sorry you're struggling but I'm glad you're back Tom 
Unless you want to spend the rest of your life this way, you'll have to walk back through those doors eventually.
Your experience of going out again can make your recovery stronger...and it may just help someone else in the years ahead.
I remember you're a straight shooter so cop this:
Get over yourself, stop indulging your addiction, and go back to NA.
Get back to being the man you want to be Tom
D
Unless you want to spend the rest of your life this way, you'll have to walk back through those doors eventually.
Your experience of going out again can make your recovery stronger...and it may just help someone else in the years ahead.
I remember you're a straight shooter so cop this:
Get over yourself, stop indulging your addiction, and go back to NA.
Get back to being the man you want to be Tom
D
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 135
Welcome! There's no shame in asking of help or getting back up again. I think people who face their fears or struggle with addictions are some of the most inspiring and courageous people I know. it's a war on all fronts, but you can get the support and help you need to be victorious.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
Glad to see you back, Natom. As others have said, you know this can only end in one of two ways; you either quit or keep going until it gets a lot worse. If will only get harder the longer you wait, and eventually it will kill you if you let it.
It's good that you came back. Part of you wants sobriety, hopefully you want it enough to fight for it.
It's good that you came back. Part of you wants sobriety, hopefully you want it enough to fight for it.
That bell or bike person
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: london
Posts: 4,978
Tom you haven't wasted two years clean , you might have wasted the last six months non-sober .
So go through those doors , apathy to our own addiction can keep us trapped for a long time … don't waste those glorious years in your 20's & 30's if you don't have to mate (like i did ) ..
I had a "holding pattern" and didn't seemingly go down hill until after quite a few years … but i wasn't thriving and growing like i could have been … You could thrive and grow in this life and you know the tools to achieve this .
Regards, m
So go through those doors , apathy to our own addiction can keep us trapped for a long time … don't waste those glorious years in your 20's & 30's if you don't have to mate (like i did ) ..
I had a "holding pattern" and didn't seemingly go down hill until after quite a few years … but i wasn't thriving and growing like i could have been … You could thrive and grow in this life and you know the tools to achieve this .
Regards, m
Not Alone
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: South East UK
Posts: 1,513
I'm dissapointed with myself. My drugs arrived today in the post and I sat there at work resisting taking them until I got home and then I got home and just couldn't help myself.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Originally Posted by Dee74 
I'm sorry you're struggling but I'm glad you're back Tom
Unless you want to spend the rest of your life this way, you'll have to walk back through those doors eventually.
Your experience of going out again can make your recovery stronger...and it may just help someone else in the years ahead.
I remember you're a straight shooter so cop this:
Get over yourself, stop indulging your addiction, and go back to NA.
Get back to being the man you want to be Tom
D
Unless you want to spend the rest of your life this way, you'll have to walk back through those doors eventually.
Your experience of going out again can make your recovery stronger...and it may just help someone else in the years ahead.
I remember you're a straight shooter so cop this:
Get over yourself, stop indulging your addiction, and go back to NA.
Get back to being the man you want to be Tom
D
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
Originally Posted by Natom
I really want too but I just have some kind of massive denial justifcation block going on. I hate it but I love being wasted.
Hope you can call someone and get some help before something terrible happens.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
Originally Posted by Natom
I really want too but I just have some kind of massive denial justifcation block going on. I hate it but I love being wasted.
Pride kept me from doing what I knew I should do for 20 years...that's a lot of time to be out in no mans land.
You're a young intelligent guy - you can start to turn things around today.
No decent person is going to hold it against you that you went out...we've all been there and know how it feels.
There's no loneliness like it.
Be smarter than me, Tom.
D
Not Alone
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: South East UK
Posts: 1,513
It's a bit of pride Dee. I've walked back into the rooms before after relapsing and whilst I was nervous I was glad I'd gone back as I heard some people say they'd gone back out for years and I heard about people that didn't make it back.
I'm scared my sponsor won't want to sponsor me because I never talk to him, last time I spoke to him was easy 6-9 months ago, I can't even remember, and I can't remember the last time I went to a meeting. It's been at least since January.
I think I'm also slightly off kilter because it's a different kinda using to my existing using. When I first got clean when I relapsed it was very quick and fast paced and would last a weekend, or at max a week. I've been using pretty much solidly since January, and have touched my old drug off choice once.
I'm on Tramadol 50mg, alcohol, and codeine linctus. I kinda want to go to a meeting further afield. I don't even know. I'm high now and my head is f**ked
I'm scared my sponsor won't want to sponsor me because I never talk to him, last time I spoke to him was easy 6-9 months ago, I can't even remember, and I can't remember the last time I went to a meeting. It's been at least since January.
I think I'm also slightly off kilter because it's a different kinda using to my existing using. When I first got clean when I relapsed it was very quick and fast paced and would last a weekend, or at max a week. I've been using pretty much solidly since January, and have touched my old drug off choice once.
I'm on Tramadol 50mg, alcohol, and codeine linctus. I kinda want to go to a meeting further afield. I don't even know. I'm high now and my head is f**ked
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,641
Hey Tom,
You are my buddy, so I am going to be honest.
Did you ever buy that 4 litre Fiesta with alloy wheels and furry dice?
Just go to a few meetings.
Bite the bullet and just go.
Pride will kill you.
Look into the future at 35, 45.
Do you really want to be a stoner looser?
God alone knows what is in the crap you are getting in the post.
It is going to be a mighty withdrawal.
Might as well just get started.
Big hugs buddy.
You are my buddy, so I am going to be honest.
Did you ever buy that 4 litre Fiesta with alloy wheels and furry dice?
Just go to a few meetings.
Bite the bullet and just go.
Pride will kill you.
Look into the future at 35, 45.
Do you really want to be a stoner looser?
God alone knows what is in the crap you are getting in the post.
It is going to be a mighty withdrawal.
Might as well just get started.
Big hugs buddy.
quat
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: terra (mostly)firma
Posts: 4,823
ew I hear you. I loved getting wasted. I don't think I would ever react differently to getting wasted, it certain;y touches somewhere/thing in my brain/mind.
The way I saw it though was I had to pick one side of the coin wasted or life. Whichever one you pick, the other has to follow the chosen's rules.
If I picked wasted, then my life would follow the rules of being wasted, if I chose life then being wasted would have to be taken off the table.
I don't think it was a choice limited only to me, but I think it surely is the limited choice of those of us who 'love' the wasted.
I think the hate part you feel, is from knowing the wasted and love of it part is a huge lie.
wish you well
rootin for ya
The way I saw it though was I had to pick one side of the coin wasted or life. Whichever one you pick, the other has to follow the chosen's rules.
If I picked wasted, then my life would follow the rules of being wasted, if I chose life then being wasted would have to be taken off the table.
I don't think it was a choice limited only to me, but I think it surely is the limited choice of those of us who 'love' the wasted.
I think the hate part you feel, is from knowing the wasted and love of it part is a huge lie.
wish you well
rootin for ya
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