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Grow together or grow apart

Old 07-29-2014, 09:10 AM
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Grow together or grow apart

While my sobriety is only into day 51 and I have no expectations of "Hey honey look at me, why aren't you changing too?" there is an issue I would like some perspective from those with more sobriety.

For several years my wife and I seem to have been growing apart. The blame was my alcohol usage primarily. Now things are again coming into focus and while our relationship has become more interactive and cordial, we are simply very different people. We have been married for 30 years.

My question is this: Has your relationship with spouse changed - grown apart - since sobriety? What have you attempted to do to rectify or have you called it quits?

This is weighing heavily on my mind. Again, nothing immediate and I expect nothing from my wife at this point in terms of believing I am changing. She has seen the promises before.

Any input appreciated!
peace
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Old 07-29-2014, 11:44 AM
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Hey Flynbuy ,
I got no huge wisdom to share about the situation you have other than to suggest what i've heard before about not making any huge changes in the first year and giving yourself and your wife time and space to heal at your and her own pace .

Keep on

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Old 07-29-2014, 12:35 PM
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I agree about not making any big changes early in recovery. Give you both time to get used to the 'new you' before you make any major decisions.
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Old 07-29-2014, 12:54 PM
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good advice, will remind myself of it too.xx
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Old 07-29-2014, 01:03 PM
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I am only ten days in and drinking was something my partner and I did together, but so far we are spending time together otherwise. As far as a 30yr marriage is concerned, the other wisdom above sounds right: take your time, no sudden moves, part of what we are learning is to live with questions, observations, even new truths with some balance and perspective. Give yourself and your marriage some space to heal.
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Old 07-29-2014, 05:37 PM
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My partner has not chosen to stop drinking and certainly has gotten to the alcohol abuse stage if not full-blown alcoholism.

I was the main drinker in the family, but I have been sober nearly three years now with one short relapse last August.

My sobriety has certainly impacted my relationship in good and bad ways.
We get along much better and rarely fight since I had gotten to the aggressive / argumentative stage of drinking before I quit, so that's good.

On the other hand, we used to have many laughs and hang around having cocktails in the pool, mimosas with brunch, good beer cooking out, and those times are pretty much over now.

I don't enjoy being around while he is getting drunk, and from his perspective,
I have gotten really boring, with little sense of humor and no patience with dealing with him loaded.

My sobriety is my huge priority and I protect it pretty ruthlessly.
He wishes we could still hang out and have fun as we used to.
I wish he would try being sober and hanging out more but we don't
seem to do that much. I can't tell him not to drink, and though he
does try to be polite about it and has cut back, drinking equals relaxing for him.

So it is a difficult situation. Married nearly 20 years and still good friends, but the drinking split we now have is not easy.
I wish he would just quit and we could have a dry house.
That is a dream I have--focus on health and things utterly unrelated to
booze. But when we met and married, I did not have a "no booze" clause in our vows.

So how it will play out, I'm not sure. He has the same right to drink as I did.
I'm just trying to stay positive and work my own recovery, hoping he will find his
way out of the bottle as I did. He isn't in as deep yet, but I know better than most
that alcohol is progressive and it is progressing with him.

Sorry for the long post, but I guess the upshot of this is that yes, I do think having
a drinker and a "new" non-drinker in a marriage is a strain and the whole relationship
will need attention and support to grow in new healthy ways.

I do think this is possible or I wouldn't still be in my marriage, but it takes
hard work and time and sometimes I just wish I could be how I once was.
Laid back with a blender drink in the pool listening to rock and roll with my husband
having fun. Romantic as it sounds, I know it wouldn't end well.
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Old 07-29-2014, 05:50 PM
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H and I have also been married 30 years. I have just made 19 months sober. He is a "normie" who has, over time, gradually evolved into someone who rarely drinks now. But early on in my sobriety, he drank, and I resented ( hugely ). We have had many obstacles to overcome. It's often been difficult. We had to learn how to relate sober. It was clear we wouldn't have made it had I continued drinking, but even after I got sober I wasn't so sure . Long story short..... We are good now. It just takes time and a lot of communication . Maybe even therapy. It IS possible to have an even better relationship. Give yourselves time to heal.
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Old 07-29-2014, 06:05 PM
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I'm not as far into sobriety as you, but I respect your efforts. I am further into marriage though, and I can tell you that a good marriage is long and there are periods, perhaps even a year or two, then a couple are not in "groove."

Over 30 years you definitely need and love each other. Let that be the focus and perhaps try to walk together or do some different things.

Best wishes!
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Old 07-29-2014, 06:11 PM
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Hey there! Put your marriage on an imaginary "shelf" until you have one year of sobriety and then re-visit your concerns. You could even write all your concerns down on paper and put them in an envelope that says "do not open until xx/xx/xx. (Your one year date) It's amazing how much things change in a year.

Maybe just continue to be cordial & nice but don't deal with any serious issues?

Best of luck and great job on your sobriety! Keep it up! You're amazing!!!

Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery
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Old 07-29-2014, 06:26 PM
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i have known couples drift apart when the drunk sobers up, i have heard people say they would rather have the drunk back than the sober one

but i have seen what happens to people when they suddenly decide they no longer love there partner and break up the home
after a short while the partner finds out that he misses what he was used to and if the other partner will not take him back then he is out in the cold and wishing he never left in the first place
some have gone back on the drink again rather than face life of being on there own as its a huge change

so the best thing to do is to wait and give time time dont make any major changes in your home life for a good year or two

give each other time to adjust to the new sober person
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Old 07-29-2014, 06:31 PM
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I think Least has 'hit the nail on the head' - I think it is important for us not to make big changes in early sobriety.
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Old 07-29-2014, 06:34 PM
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Hi, I am married almost 20 years to my college sweetheart. We were big time partiers in college. I continued the party on through my 20s and my 30s and he became a workaholic, but partied with me and our friends on the weekends. In our early 40s, we suffered a major financial blow and the drinking stopped being about "the party" and became scary. My husband realized it and pulled back without any effort. That is when I realized that I was the one with the real alcohol problem in our marriage. Sobriety has been a huge effort for me and luckily, in support of me, my husband quit drinking alcohol other than very occasionally having a beer at a work function. Still, I get frustrated that it is so easy for him to not drink, where it is something I have to work on every single day. I also feel annoyed that he doesn't acknowledge how hard it is for me, because it was so easy for him. Today is my 10 month anniversary of sobriety and I didn't even tell him because if he "over did" the congratulations that would annoy me, too. I guess that puts him between a rock and a hard place. :P We have always been best friends, but sobriety has been a weird ride, because I feel like my personality is changing on a weekly basis. I really was scared that I would wake up out of my "alcoholic fog" and not like where I was in my life and in my relationship. I sometimes do too much of making all arguments we have or anything I construe as controlling on his part as somehow related to my sobriety, when it really doesn't have anything to do with it. I felt more inhibited intimacy-wise, too, which was strange for both of us. So, yes, sobriety does add some complications to your marriage, but it also makes it more interesting and new and fresh, too. Like all things, time, no rash decisions and a positive perspective makes all of the difference. Good luck!!
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Old 07-29-2014, 06:37 PM
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One more thing -we did take up a new hobby together _ yoga_, when I quit drinking. We would go to classes together at night instead of drinking. It was fun to try something new, together. Maybe something like this would be good for you??
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Old 07-29-2014, 06:41 PM
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So comforting to see these posts. I like the idea of waiting it out for a year. My husband was the "big drinker" for years in our marriage and it has just been since the kids got out on their own that I had picked up a great liking for wine. He has decided that he can drink moderately (but, it still seems like a lot to me). And, sometimes he has picked up a bottle for me even though he knows I am not drinking. We really have a lot to navigate in this next year, right?!
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Old 07-29-2014, 07:21 PM
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Wow! Truly incredible insight from so many. Really amazing to have such kindness in reaching out. Impossible to display my heart felt gratitude.

I like the idea of writing a note and re visiting it in a year - cool deal!
Humbled by ya'll.....

Thank you deeply!
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Old 10-06-2014, 02:46 PM
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Bumping this thread to say thank you for starting it, Flyn.

My hubby tours with a band and has been gone the entire time I've gotten sober (50+ days). He'll be home on Sunday and every now & again I get a little nervous about it. I've discussed all of this with him and his reactions have been shock (he thought this was just another "I'm gonna cut down" declaration), happiness, relief and pride. He's brought it up several times since just reiterating how proud he is of me.

We knew each other when we were 18 (before my drinking career began), were best friends and he fell in love with me (I never admitted it but I loved him too). We had a falling out and lost touch until 5 years ago (when my drinking was ramping up). We both fell in love this time and were married in June. Part of me is nervous that he doesn't know me sober but that isn't true - he knew me and loved me before drinking. I think that's just my AV trying to weasel its way back in, filling my head with lies trying to get me to drink again. Not falling for it!

Saying it out loud (or writing it) helps as does all of these responses. Now that I've said it I can let it go & begin to actually look forward to our new & improved life together.

Thanks again!
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Old 10-07-2014, 05:18 PM
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Originally Posted by HeartsAfire View Post
Bumping this thread to say thank you for starting it, Flyn.

My hubby tours with a band and has been gone the entire time I've gotten sober (50+ days). He'll be home on Sunday and every now & again I get a little nervous about it. I've discussed all of this with him and his reactions have been shock (he thought this was just another "I'm gonna cut down" declaration), happiness, relief and pride. He's brought it up several times since just reiterating how proud he is of me.

We knew each other when we were 18 (before my drinking career began), were best friends and he fell in love with me (I never admitted it but I loved him too). We had a falling out and lost touch until 5 years ago (when my drinking was ramping up). We both fell in love this time and were married in June. Part of me is nervous that he doesn't know me sober but that isn't true - he knew me and loved me before drinking. I think that's just my AV trying to weasel its way back in, filling my head with lies trying to get me to drink again. Not falling for it!

Saying it out loud (or writing it) helps as does all of these responses. Now that I've said it I can let it go & begin to actually look forward to our new & improved life together.

Thanks again!
Great post Hearts!!!
Wish you all the best with the homecoming!!

Others have advised me to not make any relationship changes in my life. I care for my wife but we are very different. I guess some introspective interactive dialogue would help - but the responses to question I ask, other than basic weather type info - just isn't there.

Today I am on one of those flat line days. Just uneasy. I commented to wife that these rhythms in me seem to coincide with new moons.

Her response was - hmm. The chicken is ready if your hungry.

Peace
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Old 10-07-2014, 05:41 PM
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Ours was a new marriage. We married in November of 2011, and I finally got sober and stayed sober April 2013. He didn't even know me sober. So, it's been like getting to really know one another He says things have improved - we actually have a life now. He gets to spend quality time with me. I feel the same. There were issues of PAWS for me which we worked through.

The biggest issues I foresee as a potential problem are his religious beliefs don't allow for accepting others' rights to choose their own paths. He has a problem with me saying this, and disagrees, but his actions and words show otherwise. He sees "wrong" and "right" from his interpretations of the Bible. I am accepting of his right to choose his beliefs, and sincerely hope that one day he will show me the same respect. I make allowances for now, and am well aware that it is my right to leave the relationship if I find this unacceptable at a later point in time. We both agree we will not have children, so we have cats and dogs instead. We are both ok with the way we handle finances, he is more frugal, I am more spendy, but I am also the one who juggles all the money around and pays all our bills... so I tend to know exactly what we have and where. I want to travel more than he does, but we will cross that bridge when we get there. So, we've covered all the "big" areas that tend to ruin a marriage and I feel pretty good about where we stand.

I think that because it's a new marriage we were able to survive. I can't imagine carrying on the way we were for 20 or 30 years. He'd have left, or I would have left. Doubt we would've made it had I kept drinking. I quit when I did because I thought it would be a shame to run a perfectly good marriage into the ground. His support has been invaluable to me.
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Old 10-07-2014, 05:44 PM
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Unhappy

Quite similar situation to yours myself, so I'm glad you started this thread. I wanted to yesterday, but I'm too early on in this (one week) to think of much else than not drinking. I think it's 50/50 for my marriage, but am gonna put that thought away as so many suggested. I am a sucker for happy endings....just not sure if the happy will be me or we.
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Old 10-07-2014, 08:15 PM
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Methinks a couple must give marriage counseling a try before throwing in the towel on years together.
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