Last Night
Gl@ss Artist & Cat Lady
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Milwaukee, WI
Posts: 880
Last Night
I had a terrible day at work yesterday and thought about stopping on my way home for a bottle. Instead I stopped and got a favorite food from a favorite restaurant, went home and scarfed half of it down and then ran out to a women's meeting I've come to enjoy. While I was there I kept looking at the clock still thinking about getting that bottle. After I left the meeting I managed to make it home without thinking about it again and once I was in my jammies and relaxing I looked at the clock again. 8:30PM.... half an hour until the store can't sell liquor anymore for the night. Well I was in my jammies already... not sure what time my partner would be home and sure as heck didn't want him catching me. Then my mind went to my health issues and how I've been improving since I have stayed sober plus my new eating plan which I would screw up by drinking a bottle of scotch plus how I'd feel like crapola in the morning...(maybe anyway, not always)... and then I just didn't feel like it anymore.
Whew. This morning I'm really glad I didn't give in. But I have to tell ya, I've been feeling so flat and lifeless and resentful. The resentment is more at my partner right now because he seems to have a good time all the time and I'm not having any fun at all and I don't mean not any fun because drinking was fun... it's more like I'm having trouble getting back to things that I used to find fun. Nothing thrills or excites or brings me joy at this time. I know that will change, I am not the most patient person in the world.
The weather is going to be hot today but this morning is beautiful... sunny and 70 degrees. So nice.
Peace and Blessings to all of you.
Whew. This morning I'm really glad I didn't give in. But I have to tell ya, I've been feeling so flat and lifeless and resentful. The resentment is more at my partner right now because he seems to have a good time all the time and I'm not having any fun at all and I don't mean not any fun because drinking was fun... it's more like I'm having trouble getting back to things that I used to find fun. Nothing thrills or excites or brings me joy at this time. I know that will change, I am not the most patient person in the world.
The weather is going to be hot today but this morning is beautiful... sunny and 70 degrees. So nice.
Peace and Blessings to all of you.
Realising my life
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Dorset, England
Posts: 3,656
You showed real determination there, ElleDee, overcoming a number of tests one after the other! 
You will find happiness and contentment again - and this time it will come from within
You will find happiness and contentment again - and this time it will come from within
Gl@ss Artist & Cat Lady
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Milwaukee, WI
Posts: 880
Originally Posted by SoberLeigh 
Great job, ElleDee; you are building those sober muscles as Dee would say.
Things will get easier with time.
Things will get easier with time.
Left the bottle behind 4/16/2015
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: NC
Posts: 1,416
Good job on resisting that temptation. Sounds like you're experiencing what some here have called anhedonia. Addiction, in general, is about instant gratification - the quick fix. When we get sober, we find that the things that used to satisfy us require time and patience. Well, drinking was all about not being patient. We want a buzz and we want it now! Recovery means we practically have to rewire our brains. I'm a month and a half sober and definitely am still struggling with this. When I drank, I wasn't happy either, I was just...numb. Now, I see all the things that were neglected and I feel anxious about it and don't know where to start!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 3,062
THIS is just how it works....staying strong through tough times. Good for you! I know what you mean about your spouse and having good times. In my early recovery I was super resentful as everyone was having fun but me....or so it seemed. We don't get to see the hangover the next morning or the missing work or the being a jerk to the family or the feelings of remorse. THAT is the reality. Keep up the great work!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
Hi ElleDee,
Hey, it's been more than 23 years since I quit drinking, and there are STILL things I no longer enjoy doing that I used to LOVE doing while drinking every night. One example is languishing in our outdoor hot tub (we no longer live where I did that, tho). Now, I can't imagine anything more boring than sitting in a hot tub for an hour -- can't read in there, nothing to DO but drink in there.
Now, things I LOVE doing are often things I can't do while drinking anyway. Things I NEVER did while drinking. I mean, who can ride a bicycle while drinking? There are other things, too.
One thing just popped into my mind that I USED to do while drinking, and it bothers me I ever did it -- my husband and I used to go to the movie theater and brought our own wine inside. No outside beverages allowed, of course, but that didn't stop me from sneaking in booze in my purse. Now, who couldn't smell THAT? I've mentioned it here before already, but we used to drive around in our car with wine in coffee cups. Geez criminey (old fart term). Amazing that neither of us ever got a DUI.
My guess is you can think of a few things you would never, or could never, do while drinking that you would enjoy.
Maybe time to try some new things?
Hey, it's been more than 23 years since I quit drinking, and there are STILL things I no longer enjoy doing that I used to LOVE doing while drinking every night. One example is languishing in our outdoor hot tub (we no longer live where I did that, tho). Now, I can't imagine anything more boring than sitting in a hot tub for an hour -- can't read in there, nothing to DO but drink in there.
Now, things I LOVE doing are often things I can't do while drinking anyway. Things I NEVER did while drinking. I mean, who can ride a bicycle while drinking? There are other things, too.
One thing just popped into my mind that I USED to do while drinking, and it bothers me I ever did it -- my husband and I used to go to the movie theater and brought our own wine inside. No outside beverages allowed, of course, but that didn't stop me from sneaking in booze in my purse. Now, who couldn't smell THAT? I've mentioned it here before already, but we used to drive around in our car with wine in coffee cups. Geez criminey (old fart term). Amazing that neither of us ever got a DUI.
My guess is you can think of a few things you would never, or could never, do while drinking that you would enjoy.
Maybe time to try some new things?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Elle! You scared me for a minute there 
Great job talking yourself through that and doing the next right thing.
It was hard for me at the beginning too, I didn't have the thrill of the first buzz. But the thrill didn't last more than a few minutes - maybe thirty - and it certainly wasn't worth the anxiety, depression, hangover, loss of money, loss of relationships, injuries, driving under the influence, should I go on?
The flat mood is a good thing - it is the way we are designed to live, without the drama. I believe I heard it called Serenity.
Great job talking yourself through that and doing the next right thing.
It was hard for me at the beginning too, I didn't have the thrill of the first buzz. But the thrill didn't last more than a few minutes - maybe thirty - and it certainly wasn't worth the anxiety, depression, hangover, loss of money, loss of relationships, injuries, driving under the influence, should I go on?
The flat mood is a good thing - it is the way we are designed to live, without the drama. I believe I heard it called Serenity.
Gl@ss Artist & Cat Lady
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Milwaukee, WI
Posts: 880
I think I'm going to take on the project of indoor room painting... living room, hallways, upstairs hallway. That's going to consume me for a while... many evenings and weekends. It will kill a lot of idle (thinking about drinking) time and I'll stay focussed without the booze in the mix. It will save me a couple thousand $$$ and I can put that money towards the new carpeting I've been wanting. Plus the $75-$100 a week I was spending on scotch should help pay for it as well! 
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
ElleDee,
Biminiblue is onto something with the "flat mood" thing, but if the idea of calling it serenity doesn't work for you, just try to remember what the term "homeostasis" means, if you ever learned it in biology class.
The reality of the situation is that the human body ALWAYS tries to achieve homeostasis. That's why the liver recognizes that alcohol is a poison and tries to eliminate it from the body. That's one of its many jobs.
The human body was never designed to be in a prolonged "heightened" state, which is why our natural high (from endogenous endorphins) comes in bursts after stuff like physical exercise, happy surprises, sex, (maybe a happy surprise, no?), and eating chocolate. Sometimes with other things, too.
If you force the body to be in a "heightened" state with alcohol, the liver ceases to be able to detoxify it fast enough, so damage occurs and eventually fatty liver and then later cirrhosis develops, which of course can kill you. With drugs, (and alcohol) another thing happens -- multiplication of the pleasure receptor sites (i.e. dopamine receptors) -- which also represents damage to the human organism.
After the receptor sites are multiplied, they never reduce back down again. Because of that, when you stop artificially forcing the body to accept high doses of alcohol and/or drugs, you naturally feel "flat."
The reason for that is simple -- when you force-feed yourself drugs or alcohol, your body stops making its own pleasure chemicals (endorphins) because it doesn't have to. After you quit drinking or drugging, it takes time for your body to "remember" how to make its own pleasure chemicals again.
If you don't give it enough time to remember by drinking again, you will never make your own pleasure chemicals again. Don't make that mistake.
The good news is that you WILL start making them again, and they are BETTER than alcohol ever was. One way to speed things up is to add exercise to your routine. It really does help.
Biminiblue is onto something with the "flat mood" thing, but if the idea of calling it serenity doesn't work for you, just try to remember what the term "homeostasis" means, if you ever learned it in biology class.
The reality of the situation is that the human body ALWAYS tries to achieve homeostasis. That's why the liver recognizes that alcohol is a poison and tries to eliminate it from the body. That's one of its many jobs.
The human body was never designed to be in a prolonged "heightened" state, which is why our natural high (from endogenous endorphins) comes in bursts after stuff like physical exercise, happy surprises, sex, (maybe a happy surprise, no?), and eating chocolate. Sometimes with other things, too.
If you force the body to be in a "heightened" state with alcohol, the liver ceases to be able to detoxify it fast enough, so damage occurs and eventually fatty liver and then later cirrhosis develops, which of course can kill you. With drugs, (and alcohol) another thing happens -- multiplication of the pleasure receptor sites (i.e. dopamine receptors) -- which also represents damage to the human organism.
After the receptor sites are multiplied, they never reduce back down again. Because of that, when you stop artificially forcing the body to accept high doses of alcohol and/or drugs, you naturally feel "flat."
The reason for that is simple -- when you force-feed yourself drugs or alcohol, your body stops making its own pleasure chemicals (endorphins) because it doesn't have to. After you quit drinking or drugging, it takes time for your body to "remember" how to make its own pleasure chemicals again.
If you don't give it enough time to remember by drinking again, you will never make your own pleasure chemicals again. Don't make that mistake.
The good news is that you WILL start making them again, and they are BETTER than alcohol ever was. One way to speed things up is to add exercise to your routine. It really does help.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
ElleDee,
Towards the end for me, I was drinking and using to the point where I was driving 200mph everywhere. My highs were so over the top because my addictions are progressive. So it was not just my tolerance that increased (actually decreased at the end with alcohol but different issue there) but mentally I needed more. This was my hungry ghost. As FT mentions above I craved more substances because I was actually killing off neuro transmitters. I had less delivery of dopamine but craved more. No matter what I fed my mind or how out of it I could become it was never enough, hence the unsustainable nature of addiction.
When I made the decision to get sober and began recovery things felt blah. I went from being high and drunk and all my antics that were frenetic to living a life I found to be boring. In the early days I would sleep then I couldn't sleep. When I could not sleep, I would eat cookies and ice cream. I would chain smoke. I would watch porn and I would pontificate on SR. I would find faults in others and refuse to look in the mirror at myself. I survived.
It took time to adjust from going 200 to 65MPH for me. I did whatever I could to hold on and survive the first few weeks and months and this lifeline was key. I would post and look at how many people responded or how many thanks I got. My mind craved dopamine and I could not provide it through substances so I had to find other ways, some healthy and some not so much but none were the life and death I face between a relapse or staying sober for me.
I am not sure how much comfort you can take from this because I trusted nobody early on but what you are experiencing is normal. Your body and your mind is beginning to repair. As an addict/alcoholic, I craved the easy fix. I had no patience. Recovery is all about patience. Keep going 65mph and before long these things that might not feel great are going to start to feel amazing.
Be gentle with yourself, if your like me you taking on the hardest thing you will ever face in your life, getting and staying sober.
JD
Towards the end for me, I was drinking and using to the point where I was driving 200mph everywhere. My highs were so over the top because my addictions are progressive. So it was not just my tolerance that increased (actually decreased at the end with alcohol but different issue there) but mentally I needed more. This was my hungry ghost. As FT mentions above I craved more substances because I was actually killing off neuro transmitters. I had less delivery of dopamine but craved more. No matter what I fed my mind or how out of it I could become it was never enough, hence the unsustainable nature of addiction.
When I made the decision to get sober and began recovery things felt blah. I went from being high and drunk and all my antics that were frenetic to living a life I found to be boring. In the early days I would sleep then I couldn't sleep. When I could not sleep, I would eat cookies and ice cream. I would chain smoke. I would watch porn and I would pontificate on SR. I would find faults in others and refuse to look in the mirror at myself. I survived.
It took time to adjust from going 200 to 65MPH for me. I did whatever I could to hold on and survive the first few weeks and months and this lifeline was key. I would post and look at how many people responded or how many thanks I got. My mind craved dopamine and I could not provide it through substances so I had to find other ways, some healthy and some not so much but none were the life and death I face between a relapse or staying sober for me.
I am not sure how much comfort you can take from this because I trusted nobody early on but what you are experiencing is normal. Your body and your mind is beginning to repair. As an addict/alcoholic, I craved the easy fix. I had no patience. Recovery is all about patience. Keep going 65mph and before long these things that might not feel great are going to start to feel amazing.
Be gentle with yourself, if your like me you taking on the hardest thing you will ever face in your life, getting and staying sober.
JD
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
