Cleomie

I am so disappointed in myself. Today would have been one week sober for me, instead I woke up with the old self loathing and remorse. My AV beat me down yesterday afternoon and I caved at 4:30. Decided to go by the ABC store and buy 2 bottles of Chardonnay. Went right back to my old habit of cooking a nice dinner (which I barely ate.... Don't want to mess with the buzz) and drinking the whole bottle. I'm getting rid of the other bottle today. Don't even want it in the house.
What's wrong with me? I was the poster child for sobriety yesterday morning. Then by the afternoon, poof, all gone. I could use a few words of encouragement, SR. I need you guys.
Thanks.

Gilmer

It happens, Cleomie. You're still new to the fray--the AV is wily and often takes us by surprise. Sometimes you just have to shout "NO!" and force your mind onto different topics, or go immerse yourself in some task that prevents you from interrupting it with a ride to the store. Call a friend--run here to post before you get in the car. We are great at talking people down from the AV cliff!

feeling-good

Cleomie

Do ANYTHING other than drink today. I personally find keeping busy helps tremendously - small things round the house, gardening, working, ironing, cleaning - if you are lacking in energy, then even a day spent watching TV and drinking lots of tea is far better than drinking even one more drop.

I wish you the best

LadyBlue0527

Hi Cleomie,

Don't be surprised because none of us are, we have all been there. The AV is powerful and it's at those times that you have to muster every bit of will to walk away from it. To not listen.

Think about where your head was at when the AV started and develop a plan for next time. Come here and post, do whatever is necessary to power through the craving. It's hard, I know, believe me I know. There is a huge satisfaction when you win though. That satisfaction is far greater than what you feel when you give in and take that drink.

You CAN do this! Do you have a plan in place?

anattaboy

The beast did NOT win since you're still here posting. Recognizing him (mine is a she-dog) will dissolve his power/presence. You ARE doing it and will prevail. Thanks for posting.

cometk

Write down why you caved while it is still fresh on your mind. Write down how you feel because you caved. Keep the note available (I have a journal). Next time you think about caving, re-read the note to remind yourself how you feel when you do.

This is a lifestyle change. It is not a linear path, it is a process. Learn from the bumps in the road to make personal progress.

CK

pavaoiztarza

Hi,

your title caught my atetntion. The "beast" is biblical word for satan. He operates by instilling thoughts of remorse and disgust or any other like lust, greed and pride, into minds.

My perspective on your case is that you already have a great deal of self-awareness. Why don't you expand from there ?

As far as my experience is concerned, yours and all other cases of temptation are explained in detail in Genesis 3 : Woman sees that the fruit (drink) is good-looking and tasting good (desire), she [B]thinks [/B] about reaching for it and - hesitates.

Then satan moves in and says a straightforward lie - "it is good for you" type of thing. And she reaches for it (takes a drink) and gives to her husband (invite friends to share the bottle).

Please let me know if I have communicated this well to you and if you can take this and protect yourself from your temptation.

The solution to problem is talking to a stronger party in the spiritual world : God. You can ask God of Israel to rescue you from your temptation. "Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from the evil-one.".

Nonsensical

You're addicted. Your brain will tell you that drinking will make you feel better when in reality you'll feel I woke up with the old self loathing and remorse.

I have tons of similar experiences.

Drinking makes the beast relentless. If you want it to be quiet you must starve it. It's the only way.

Dust off and get back on that horse. You can do this.

FreeOwl

so....

whatcha gon do different THIS time, Cleomie?

Croissant

Cleomie, I found this helpful when I had my first slip.

I was so sad and disappointed. I felt like an old lover had returned promising me everything and making me wake up feeling dirty and used the next morning.

I found reading others feelings about their desire to quit and their relationship to alcohol made me feel not as alone.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/..._________.html

Hope it helps. If not today - sometime.xx

Windancer

The beast did not win . You're here, and giving it another go. The beast knows it. The beast wants you to feel guilty and ashamed. Please don't let this ruin all your hard work and dedication. You can still kill the beast! Its dying and knows it.

trachemys

Cleo, you aren't tuned in to the beast, yet. It started whispering early in the day, probably right after you woke. It started planting little seeds in your mind that grew in to the idea that you could drink again. After all you'd been so good. Surely, you deserved a reward? Little nudges all day long that you didn't recognize and thwart.

It's a sneaky conniving little beast. If it can't use tantrums it'll use deception. Kick back with a cup of tea or coffee and go over your thought process for the day. Find the nudges and prepare to slap them away next time.

soberlicious

I was going to say there is nothing "wrong" with you, then I saw that Non had already said it. You are addicted and that's what is going on right now.

You need to learn to identify and separate from the voice, without the battle. As you can see, the battle is not sustainable. It is a learned skill, but it becomes effortless very shortly.

Glad you are back and not giving up. What is your plan for the Beast's next visit? Because there will be a next visit. Consistently identify and dismiss the AV and the visits become almost nonexistent.

ElleDee

Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt. Get back up and keep fighting. Maybe when that urge hits you again, think about something you could do different to help break that pattern or old habit. You can do this or your wouldn't be here!

PurpleKnight

That's what addiciton does, we gotta the plan though moving forward with the plan hasn't worked, are you getting enough support other than SR? meetings? etc

You can do this!!

gvrecovery

I've been in your shoes too many times to remember. What works for me is to keep a loose schedule of things to do like walk, go to the coffee shop, exercise, read, etc. my AV likes to play around mid-afternoon, so I plan on being busy then. I've discovered cooking lately, so I make dinner for my wife most nights; this really helps.

UnixBer

I'll second this. And what a coincidence. Mine is a she-dog as well. This is no joke. It really takes that kind of form. And it is exceptional, if not truly rare to actually perceive it not to mention its form.

Be determined. Stay close to SR. You will succeed.

Cleomie

Thank you, to so many of you for your wise words. Looking back on the day yesterday, I saw I was tired and was committed to cleaning out my daughters room, since she's moved out. I think I was sentimental about going thru her things and whar it all means in starting a new chapter in my life.
I also know I was hungry about that time and was debating whether to get a greasy cheeseburger thru the drive thru or cook a nice dinner for my son. The ABC is right next to McD's. Sure wish I had gone for the burger instead. I never feel like drinking on a full stomach. I know I can use that to stifle the beast next time.
Again, thank you for your support. I really feel sure I can do this, but I can NOT let my guard down. Thank God for this site and for all of you. Onward and upward.

soberlicious

Remember the Beast will use anything as an excuse. Trying to keep a lid on "triggers" can be like a never-ending game of whack-a-mole.

Instead, I recognize that there will always be times when I am not at my best. Circumstances will arise that cause me anything from mild discomfort to deep despair. Happiness, profound joy, irritation, indifference...to be human is to experience these feelings. There are times I will be hungry. There are times I will be tired. No way around it. That is how life is. I can do my best to take good care of myself and to manage my environment, but the most effective way to banish the beast is to decide that despite any circumstance I will not drink alcohol. No. Matter. What.

ForgetfulKevin

I used to drink while cooking (never on a full stomach), so dinner got made around 11 PM, which was fine with me at the time, as I wanted to drink all evening. But I often missed work the next day.

So these days I do a lot of microwave cooking or one-pot cooking with minimal prep time. I have a little something like pretzels or baby carrots if I'm hungry before dinner is made.

Plus as you mention, there's also take-out.

Glad you got back on the sober bus so quickly!