Youngaddictionwarrior

You girls are beautiful, males can't live with them can't live without them I'm getting counselling but need it more frequently I'm scared to open up my past which leads to why I love this man so much but he knows everything about me & has stuck by for 3 years when I've put him through hell. One thing I'm changing is I now come first not him xxxx

Youngaddictionwarrior

well we had the big talk last night. He is now realising what im feeling and I have also realised he has issues that he doesn't like to admit. He is being nicer now and said hed cook dinner tonight which is unusual. I cried myself to sleep last night but weirdly it make me feel calmer. Im a lot happier today mostly because I know what he is feeling and have finally in 3 years time stuck up for myself. I was so angry from the hurtful things he said but instead of crying & sweeping it under a rug I showed him I know how to be strong. Were on minimum conversation terms now but the weight is lifted off my shoulders. now I need for me to stay sober and not do anything that gives him the excuse to treat me bad. I asked if it makes him happy being mean to me & he said no it doesn't I said why do you do it then & his words were 'cause im a controlling c..." I have to be in control. what do I do with that one? any tips x

Nuudawn

[QUOTE=kahlia01;4794042 'cause im a controlling c..." [/QUOTE]

NO MAN should EVER talk to a woman he "apparently" cares for in this manner.
EVER

You need recovery desperately my friend. You need to find your friend within. You need to get out of this relationship.
Blaming YOU for his bad behaviour is CLASSIC abuser tactic.

Youngaddictionwarrior

I know that but that's whats seen from the outside. I want to give him a chance to now change for him back to the man I met who took me to cairns Hilton for my 21st when we had been together a month, the one who used to do things like write I love you princess in the snow & send pics to me, write his amazing cards. I know that's all honeymoon phase but I basically said last night a relationship needs to be 50 50 & im not standing for **** anymore I want to be wanted not needed. I chucked in a comment on how him cooking dinner means a lot cause its the little things that count and he must have taken it in cause he said he wants to cook me dinner tonight. my mum was an alcoholic 2+ bottles of wine a day and I remember how it made me sick she couldn't talk properly or would go off and not remember. even if she was being fun and bubbly id set her off cause I couldn't stand being around her. I think of all the broken promises ive said and done to Bernie and he has lost friends over me, ive embarroused him, hurt him physically and emotional all from alcohol so I am trying to work on getting the me back he fell inlove with because we have come so far & just last month wanting to buy a house together. if he can show me the love respect and support I deserve I want to give him a chance just like he has given me 1000000 from drinking. its so hard to just leave too cause id have to go to court for custody of our dog and if I lost take my buster & break his heart from leaving jack there. all my friends & family live 1.5 hours away from my work...the list goes on but I told him I will leave if it keeps up and as much as I love him life will go on...that was me trying to be strong. I love him so much id be destroyed without him. love sucks its an imperfect science...xxx

Youngaddictionwarrior

im also feeling really insecure hoping I can talk about my depression and stuff on this forum which leads me to drink, I don't have anyone else to talk to except my mum and she is very ill from liver disease its not fair. I get really worried people might get angry cause I haven't drank in 8 days and im venting stuff here...???

MelindaFlowers

I agree with Nuudawn on this one. I'm not sure what else to say. He sounds like a classic abuser.

Nuudawn

Please stay sober. Please undertake the process of recovery. Please look into recovery or support groups. Is counselling an option for you? There is much work to be done.

Youngaddictionwarrior

im seeing a therapist and want to stay sober & be a better me

Youngaddictionwarrior

apart from my therapist I only have time for online help. venting and knowing im not the only one struggling not to pick up the bottle helps a lot. do you have any suggestions & also is it ok to be on this site im feeling really nervous

Nuudawn

There is no reason to be nervous. This is a wonderful little community. It takes a bit of time to feel comfortable and connect with others a bit. Like life right? Glad to hear you have a therapist. For me, sobriety is overflowing with reward ..yet that doesn't mean it ain't work. Some days are easy breezy..and some take effort to endure and get on through. Focus on simply staying sober. First thing first. The disharmony in your relationship will provide extra challenges. I had to leave mine (which isn't easy either). I experience "cravings" to return to him..just as I do with drinking. In all honesty, my addiction to the relationship is far more challenging right now. But I remain sober and I remain away from him. I am grateful for that today. My ex could be the sweetest, most generous and loving person I know. He could also be bullying and outright deceitful. He is capable of very little introspection or insight. He is "other" centered in that "I" or my behaviour was the problem. Essentially, he has much more trauma and abuse in his past than I...and well, he is simply not at the point of authentic change. Not sure he ever will be. The damage may be far too great.

P.S. you should never ever permit anyone speak to you with such disrespect. Mine was controlling..and well, there were lots of problems. But he never personally denigrated my being in such a hateful, disrespectful verbal manner.

ReadyAtLast

I was once in a relationship with an abuser. At first it was wonderful - he was handsome,charming, attentive, he also took me to Paris,brought me flowers every time he saw me, was loving. It was amazing. Then little by little, the abuse started, the control, the put down comments ,made me doubt myself. I honestly thought I was going crazy. It was so subtle and over a period of time that I didn't really notice though. Just thought it must be me, he was under pressure at work, family trouble, my drinking etc. I remembered the good times and when he wanted it to be wonderful it was wonderful.

It was only after I left the relationship that I saw him for what he really was. A manipulator, a controller, an abuser. Men like that purposely choose women they can manipulate, control and abuse. Feed you bits of wonderful trips, flowers, loving actions that you then hold on to whilst they control and abuse you and put you down while you stay and put up with anything

Men like that never change either. The only thing that works is to leave them for your own sanity, self worth and sobriety

soberlicious

Your relationship describes the cycle of abuse, right down to the intermittent reinforcement.
I have been in more than one of these, because even when I got away fom one I ended up picking another one. I had to fix some things with me before I could make better choices. For a while it seemed like there was an invisible sign on me somewhere that only the @ssholes could see, because I sure was a magnet for them!

Make no mistake, yours is not a healthy relationship. I'm sorry you are going through this. Best to you. Xo

ReadyAtLast

That's a really interesting article Soberlicious and really opens my eyes to some of my past relationships. I wish I'd discovered SR 20 years ago and I probably wouldn't have made half the mistakes I have made

Youngaddictionwarrior

If you think this is bad my x paid a security guard to kick me out of the pub he had all my money car keys handbag. Cause I was hysterical I ended up in the watch house when I was let out they said to wait for my bf & to make sure I remove my car. He took my car that night with my money heading for the casino and rode it off then used the excuse he was going to jail and gonna be shipped back to nz to get out of the relationship. The 1 before that rung up $15000 on my credit card then te money ran out & he left. I was over men full stop before Bernie showed up I pushed him away for a month cause thought I'd hurt him & he was too nice for me & I only attract assholes so you can see how this relationship is a bed of roses compared to the others. He's a controlling arse but deep down loves me and was the only one to stay with me through bulimia, mental health, loss and I know now if I show him I'm strong he will respect me a hell of a lot more. Really disappointed our 3 year anniversary is 1st August & he booked his mates wedding weekend away 4 months ago not thinking it would fall on our anniversary so instead of moping I'm gonna pamper myself that day, massage, nails done dinner & movie with my best gay friend even though it hurts there is no point crying over what's not gonna change. He feels really terrible. To make matters worse I get home to a driving fine!!!

ReadyAtLast

It is very normal for women who go out with abusive men to repeat the cycle. Just because he hasn't done something as bad as a previous bf doesn't mean he's good for you or that you should put up with controlling, abusive behaviour. It's not a case of comparing and putting up with him because he's not 'as bad'. at the end of the day it's still abusive behaviour and you deserve better.

Youngaddictionwarrior

Soberlicious I just read that article it's so true. I'm not letting him treat me like crap anymore though so fingers crossed for me to stay sober and strong. I demand 50/50 none of this intermittent **** & mums taught me which was proven while I was away for a week that he can't live a normal life without me so if he's rude I'll simply walk out of the house. Something I've never done. I'm trying to find some good online self esteem help. Does anyone know of anything ?

soberlicious

I suspected this was not your first bad relationship.

Can you see how by accepting the abuse it invites more abuse?

I took me many years to see how I was perpetuating the drama and abuse in my life. It was hard for me because even when I knew it, I was so hooked into the rush to stop. I was bored with someone healthy. The more yelling, screaming, crying, hitting, demeaning, then remorse, apologies, kind gestures, promises...that kind of intensity meant someone really loved me.

That is simply not true. That is not love.

Youngaddictionwarrior

He's never hit me it's verbal abuse but I'm not strong enough to up & leave I wanna try & work through this but I'm taking in everything you are all saying and want you to know how much it opens my eyes makes me feel stronger & just letting me vent I wish I could pay you all. You know more than my psychiatrist has done in the last year lol

Nuudawn

[QUOTE=soberlicious;4794447For a while it seemed like there was an invisible sign on me somewhere that only the @ssholes could see, because I sure was a magnet for them![/QUOTE]

^^^ I thought I emitted a high pitched whine that only as*holes could hear.

Jupiters

yup. *raises hand*
that was me as well.
I'm still trying to undo the mental/emotional damage from these "relationships" - talk about setting the bar really low.


kahlia - I hope you keep posting here.