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07-06-2004, 11:53 PM
| #1 (permalink) |
| Paused  Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: The Beautiful Colorado Rockies
Posts: 15
|  Hi, I'm new, My Fiance' is an Alcoholic
Have you ever been in a relationship..... that is so up and down. One moment your pining for your honey, but most moments you feel like you can't take him/her anymore???????? I'm so frustrated, Bern never allows me to talk or communicate, he is always the one that has to have the first and the last say and he treats me like a child. Granted, I'm 15 years younger than him, I don't feel he should do such. I can't wait until he gets back from the office each day, but when he gets back, I wish he would leave, because he just doesn't try to understand me. He has got a MAJOR DRINKING PROBLEM, which he will not get help with and has promised me that he will stop/become sober, ever since I met him, unfortunately, I became pregnant less than three months after meeting him and we have been tied together. He promised me he would stop drinking before our baby son Brayden was born, but instead, he drinks more..We love having eachother to come home to at night, but are really questioning whether or not we are meant for eachother, because we are so different and cannot understand eachother, or shall I say he doesn't try to understand me.....I think that he is such a great guy, but in some cases the worst guy I've ever met or been with. To top it off he is a workaholic. He loves work and money, more than his family, it has gotten to his head. He went through a bankcruptcy two years before he met me. I paid for him to move here to Colorado with me, open up his office (our brokerage business), new car, oh and everything in our home is owned by me, except for his clothes, shoes and a few personal items. I'm like his sugar mama and sometimes feel like his slave too..... And why you ask am I telling you all of this, because I need some encouragement right now, or I think I might just run away......... I have a beautiful baby with Bern and I love him very much, but his drinking is taking it's toll on me. I attend emotional management classes every Tuesday and my counselors are telling me he will never change, unless he wants to, and he tells me he wants to, but he doesn't do anything about it....He is so hooked and the sad thing is he would rather get drunk, then spend time with our son, which breaks my heart.........My counselors tell me I should leave him, but I want to stay at least until next year April (when our lease is up). It would be more financially wise and hopefully we could work things out so that we don't split up our family......I feel so bad for our son.....My counselors also told me that the reason I am searching for friends (online) is because that is what I need right now....Supportive friendship, because I don't get that from my relationship with my Fiance'......... At the beginning of our relationship, we were so IN LOVE and in cloud nine, now it breaks my heart to actually admit that we may be a dieing flower...... Why does love have to be like this?????????? Why can't we all just love in peace and make eachother happy??????????? With Tears and sadness I write this. I'm usually the matchmaker for all of my friends and some family. In fact, I've been Bridesmaid 9 times at various weddings......but it is so pathedic that I can't even have a successful relationship myself. I've already been divorced once and now I have a baby to a man that I fear may never turn out to be my husband and soul mate, as earlier in our relationship I was sure of it that he was that. Sorry for babbling.....I'm just beside myself. I've already called my Mom, Grandmother, Sister Amanda and a few friends and I still have so much emotion to get out.....I actually feel like screaming at the top of the lungs "DO I DESERVE THIS GOD?????????", but I refrain from questioning our Lord, as everything has a purpose..... Awaiting a more simple carefree life..... Many Blessings, AngelRachelle |
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07-07-2004, 12:11 AM
| #2 (permalink) |
| Administrator  Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 14,732
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Hi Rachelle, Welcome to SR. This is a great place to come for support and understanding. I'm sorry for your situation and the pain it is causing you. As you've been told, your fiance will not change until he is ready to. The best thing you can do is to look after yourself. If you like, check out the AlAnon forum on this board where there are lots of people with similar problems to yours. Anna
__________________ Anna  And I dont know what the future is holding in store I dont know where Im going, Im not sure where I've been There's a spirit that guides me, a light that shines for me My life is worth the living, I dont need to see the end. John Denver |
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07-07-2004, 07:58 AM
| #3 (permalink) | |
| Paused Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: The Beautiful Colorado Rockies
Posts: 15
|  Quote:
Many Blessings, Rachelle | |
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07-07-2004, 03:08 PM
| #4 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: Sausalito, Ca
Posts: 16
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Hi and welcome! Sorry about your situation, but I would like to speak on you fiancés behalf. I recently married the most wonderful lady in my life, but not till after I had gone through detox and was sober, well this past weekend I relapsed and am starting over. When I drink I change, I am not the person she fell in love with but she knows this is a disease and it’s an everyday battle. I never ever in a sober mind would hurt my wife or make her feel bad, but when I drink the hatred for myself is so powerful it makes me hate everyone. I can tell you what has helped me, because I know words are easy to say and from a drunk, words are just lies. Please talk to him, tell him how it’s hurting you and that you don’t want this lifestyle for you and you child. I know it maybe hard to do but you need to think about yourself because all us drunks do is think about ourselves when we are kickin back the sauce. I don’t know if anything I have said helps, but I feel for you and I have tremendous pain in myself for what I have done but alcoholics are not the people we appear to be when we drink. All in all, for me having the law laid down from my wonderful wife is what keeps me trying. She will never leave me as long as I try but when I give then I know she will. Peace and good luck! |
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07-07-2004, 05:19 PM
| #5 (permalink) |
| Member  Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Nebraska
Posts: 219
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Angel, I am a Human Resources Director and frequently deal with stressful personnel issues. The one thing I learned is to not make a rash, emotionally charged decision, especially an important one. Talk it out with friends and family and perhaps give your fiance a final chance to get help and remain sober. Then make a decision and do what's best for everyone. I was like your fiance and believe me, you are doing him no favors by staying with him in an unhappy situation. It easily could go from bad to worse - that is also the nature of our disease if we do not get help. You have a lot going for you - just make sure you do the right thing for your family. Take care Dave |
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07-07-2004, 11:11 PM
| #6 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Nebraska
Posts: 219
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Maybe this has some relevance - it kind of portrays my relationship struggles ... Talk to me softly There's something in your eyes Don't hang your head in sorrow And please don't cry I know how you feel inside I've I've been there before Somethin's changin' inside you And don't you know Don't you cry tonight I still love you baby Don't you cry tonight Don't you cry tonight There's a heaven above you baby And don't you cry tonight Give me a whisper And give me a sigh Give me a kiss before you tell me goodbye Don't you take it so hard now And please don't take it so bad I'll still be thinkin' of you And the times we had...baby And don't you cry tonight Don't you cry tonight Don't you cry tonight There's a heaven above you baby And don't you cry tonight And please remember that I never lied And please remember how I felt inside now honey You gotta make it your own way But you'll be alright now sugar You'll feel better tomorrow Come the morning light now baby And don't you cry tonight An don't you cry tonight An don't you cry tonight There's a heaven above you baby And don't you cry Don't you ever cry Don't you cry tonight Baby maybe someday Don't you cry Don't you ever cry Don't you cry Tonight |
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07-08-2004, 12:36 PM
| #7 (permalink) | |
| Paused Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: The Beautiful Colorado Rockies
Posts: 15
|  Thanks Speedy! Quote:
Thank you so much for your note! I really appreciate it!!!! I have told Bern my feelings many times, however, if he is drunk he doesn't remember half of what I've said and when he isn't drunk he promises me the world, but never follows through with his promises.....but I am giving him a chance. I am giving him until April of next year. As that is when our lease is up. He and I will either be buying or building a home here in Denver or moving to Naples, Florida (near where Bern's family is) and if he and I don't work out, I will probably be moving to Arizona (as I have friends there) and I will buy my own home. Thanks again for the note. You're an angel. Hugs, Rachelle | |
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07-08-2004, 12:41 PM
| #8 (permalink) | |
| Paused Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: The Beautiful Colorado Rockies
Posts: 15
| Thanks David! Quote:
I worked in Human Resources for almost 8 years mainly in the IT industry, but also in Piping/Structural Design-Engineering & Financial. I found out all of my Fiance's nasty habits too late, after he moved in with me I became pregnant that weekend. He and I were a long distance relationship, before he moved here to Colorado. I do feel that I have tried/attempted and clarified the situation countless times.....Ever since I found out how he is. I've tried to support him through his alcoholism, I know, I'm an Enabler and I should be, but he doesn't seem to have the will power to over come it, even with my help. He depends on it alot. He went through a nasty three year divorce and his Ex wife took him to the cleaners, anyway, to make a long story short, his Mother told me that he began drinking shortly after he and his exwife split up. It is a very sad story and yes I admit, I do feel guilty. I've been very easy on him, because of this, however, I have also been stern about my feelings on his drinking and I've cried many tears, that he is well aware of, but when somebody is so reliant upon drinking, it doesn't matter what you say or do for them, they aren't full coherent and they are in another universe. I do pray and I read alot of uplifting and spiritual writings, however, they don't take away the fact of the situation that I got myself into. I'm stuck...If I leave him now, that will be ruining his future. He needs me right now. He isn't financially able to live on his own and I fear he may do somthing stupid....The company we built together as of last July is finally booming and now would be so detramental to part.....I'm so torn......and it may sound like I want to give up, because at times I do, but I really do wish that we could work things out, I just don't know if I can take the pressure for very much longer....but my goal is to try for next April 2005. Thanks so much for your note, you are also an angel. Hugs, AngelRachelle | |
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07-08-2004, 12:43 PM
| #9 (permalink) | |
| Paused Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: The Beautiful Colorado Rockies
Posts: 15
| Quote:
That is so sad and absolutely beautiful!!! Thank you for sharing it!!!! I take it you and your SO aren't together anymore and you have a child together? Many Blessings, AngelRachelle | |
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07-09-2004, 12:45 AM
| #10 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Nebraska
Posts: 219
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AngelRachelle, thanks for the kind words - it makes me feel good that you came to this site seeking some information. By the way, there is never a dull moment in HR!! I have been sober for over ten months now and I am still married and have a nine year old boy. That is why I responded as I did - I got help and quit drinking and have never looked back! It can work, but my wife gave me an ultimatum and it was like an angel was sent to me ... so to speak! You have a plan and that is good, but don't be afraid to make that change when and if the time comes. Dave |
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07-12-2004, 12:42 PM
| #11 (permalink) | |
| Paused Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: The Beautiful Colorado Rockies
Posts: 15
| Quote:
I'm happy you and your wife have been able to make it! That gives me some reassurance, however, may I ask how long it took you before you got your act into gear and actually WANTED to quit? As the problem with my Fiance' is he doesn't want to and I can give him all the ultimatums that I can think of, but those don't do a thing to help the process any quicker, those only cause contention. Thanks so much for your note of advice! Sorry I took so long to respond, I'm so busy and haven't been able to visit this site again until now. Feel free to pm or email me, as I may get a chance to read your responses earlier. Whatever you'd like. Many Blessings to you and your family! Hugs, Rachelle | |
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08-28-2004, 07:57 AM
| #14 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Georgia
Posts: 89
| Hey Angel
Dear Angel After reading your story, although we both are from two different worlds (i am newly divorced 3 yrs ago, single mom with 2 kids who was so desperate and lonely during marriage and divorce, I reunited with my high school sweetheart who i really did not know was a progressive alcoholic. He drank when we were teens but I did not know it had become a problem. Now, I recently found out he is smoking crack (I found some stuff hidden in my kitchen). I am devastated because its been so hard just dealing with his alcoholism. My point is I had begun to refer to him as my "fiance." I have had to reevaluate my life, especially since I have two beautiful children (one is a boy). It hurts so bad to know that I have to accept he will "never" be my husband because of the drinking and drug use unless God chooses to work a miracle. I love this man so much. I have been isolated from family (i have a couple of friends) and I have been really struggling to not get into a depression over this. My kids are what is keeping my sane and cheerful. It seems that you are as heartbroken as I am because of the reality that neither of us has a man who is what we want him to be to us or our kids. Since I have gotten much advice to completely break off the relationship more than once from different sources, I am steering in that direction. I believe I can do it, depending on my higher power to help me know that my boyfriend wont die from his disease and addiction. I hope you come to the point that you can make the right decision angel. You will eventually have to for you and your son, and hopefully your fiancee will get the help he needs and get sober. I am looking forward to that day. I may never go back to him after he is clean, because I thought that I was part of the problem, but who knows....our higher powers will help. At least I will know that my decision to completely break it off was worth it. Be blessed, T |
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08-28-2004, 08:36 AM
| #15 (permalink) |
| Member  Join Date: May 2003 Location: El Paso, Tx
Posts: 5,877
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Welcome to SR! There is much support for you here! I hope you'll visit the Friends and Family forum, so you can see your not alone. Many stay with their active A's and learn to find a balance and way of acceptance in the relationship, they can live with. We're glad your here! |
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08-28-2004, 09:00 AM
| #16 (permalink) |
| Gold Member Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: It's raining again!
Posts: 2,461
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Hi Angel, welcome to SR. Like it or not your tied to this guy for life after having a baby. ugh, that was something I had to get use to as well. I'v learned you cannot change a person,but change yourself and try to do the best you can. No advise on the relationship department from me LOL, I still don't know what end is up,but I do keep my focus on myself and children most times. ((((((((((((((huggys)))))))))))))
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08-28-2004, 10:53 AM
| #17 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Vernonia, OR
Posts: 2
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Angel- Your thoughts touch me  I have been married to an alcoholic for 17 years. We have four awesome sons and as Zoomer said - we are connected for life. I have tried almost every angle to get him to "stop", and have had to stand back and watch him suffer through some horrible consequences for his choices, but if I had it to do over again I probably wouldn't change much 'cause I have grown so much and been able to teach my children a compassion for life that is unknown to the average person. Al-anon, readings and friends have been invaluable for me. The lesson I had the hardest time learning was how powerless I am over his disease. I have grown over the years through learning to separate my needs from his and set boundaries for the boys and I. Sometimes I have had help from outside entities -- CPS almost took our kids away once because he was using heroin in the house. Years ago I made a choice that I would continue to love him for better or worse; whether we are living together or not I support him as his best friend. I know you will make the best choice for you and your child; what seems like the easiest solution "leave him" etc. is not always the best in the long run.Blessings |
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08-28-2004, 11:12 PM
| #18 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: Flint, MI
Posts: 5
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My fiance is an alcoholic too. His whole family is. It's hard, though. He doesn't drink everyday, but when he does... It's all over once he cracks the first one. He embarrasses me because he gets so drunk. If we go out I have MAYBE three drinks in about 5 hours, but he has countless and always buys more on the way home and drinks by himself ALL NIGHT while I'm sleeping. I've woken up many times around 8am to go to work and find him still up. Then he just drinks a pot of coffee and showers and goes to work. This is very unhealthy. To make things more annoying. All he talks about is excercising and ragging on me because I should join him. He wants to go to church (we went once) but I am annoyed because he thinks if he does these things he is automatically better. He doesn't try. He fails a lot and says...it's not my fault. My whole family is drunk all the time. I am so fed up. He is not home now. Who knows where he is or when he'll be home. About three hours ago he called and I let the machine pick it up. He was supposed to be on the way home. Not here yet. Part of me wishes he would be pulled over and thrown in jail. I would not bail him out tonight. I am so angry. What makes me even more upset is TWO DAYS AGO he was telling me he was done drinking. DONE. Look at hime now. Out drinking with his brother since 10am .....This is so ridiculous. I don't know if I want to marry him. BUT I DO. I love him. He is so wonderful when he doesn't drink. But when he drinks, the whole world is a blurr and he is the only one that matters. He is so defensive. He's been to ONE AA meeting and claims it is not for him. He mentioned detox and then changed his mind. Half the time I think he just says stuff to get my hopes up. My children will not have a father like this. I have already decided. But how the hell to I start with the ultimatums (spelling) without sounding controlling? I need help taking ANOTHER first step. I do tend to get angry and yell when he drinks, which I know is bad. I tried to say nothing and be calm and act like I didn't notice a couple times and then he starts saying I KNOW YOU KNOW I HAVE BEEN DRINKING!!! It's like he wants me to scold him. I just need some advice, I guess. My parents have caught on to it recently, too. They are telling me I can count on them, they are here, They wouldn't be disappointed if I wanted to back out of the wedding.......I wish they didn't know. But if they notice, it's bad. We only see them occassionally. Help help help!!
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08-29-2004, 12:55 AM
| #19 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Vernonia, OR
Posts: 2
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It is so hard for anyone to understand what you are feeling right now unless they've been there, and I can sure relate. I came to a point where I had to decide what I wanted -- not what my parents wanted for me or what my friends thought was best for me -- but I had to decide what I was willing to live with. I knew that staying in a relationship with an alcholic would be challenging, just as it would be to be in a relationship with someone with brain cancer or someone who is paralized. I also knew that I could not live with some of the behaviors my husband exhibits when he is drinking. I learned to set boundaries with behaviors -- not just fuss about his drinking. We have been separated many times over the last 17 years because he was either in treatment or had to move out till he was clean and sober. I know it has been difficult for our children at times, but we have a good relationship and I wouldn't trade him for anyone. His boys have some anger issues with him but, for the most part, they love him and understand that he loves them. He hasn't been a perferct parent, but, then again, I haven't met many of those  The best advice I know of is to be sure you are getting regular support from al-anon or something comparable. Whatever you decide is best for you will be challenging, and meeting regularly with people who understand is invaluable.
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08-29-2004, 04:44 AM
| #20 (permalink) |
| Member  Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: Stuck in my Head!!
Posts: 36
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Welcome to SR Angel. On eof the best things that I have noticed about AA, SA, NA is that the more you talk with the people who attend the more you realize that there is always someone who has or has had it worse than you. Now maybe you wouldn't believe that but let me tell you that I am a codependent alcoholic who decided to marry a sex-aholic who only cared about one person in this life; herself. Maybe thats not enough for you so I will continue my story with the fact that she has not only cheated on me with more than one person but she now carries the baby of one of those individuals. Now I only tell you all of this to continue to say that there is hope for us both. This website I have found to be a Godsend in these troublesome times because of the support that is offered here. I now find myself addicted to reading and posting things on this website. Angel I feel like right now you need to concentrate on yourself and your son, because those are the things that will keep you going day after day. Just know that there is someone out there that not only can impathize with your situation, I can sympathize with it as well. One day at a time right now. I will pray for you and your son, as well as your fiance. nucldragr |
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12-02-2008, 11:21 PM
| #21 (permalink) |
| Member  Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Atlanta GA
Posts: 11
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I am in your exact situation minus the child and it sucks. When we first met everything was perfect. We got engaged 3 months after meeting and I was sure it was fate. A month after we got engaged, his addiction showed its ugly head for the first time. He quit for a week once, because I dragged him along with me to church one sunday. He won't go back to church anymore. He is 16 years older than me and treats me like a child. Part of me wants to leave the other part of me just couldn't bare it. I love him so much, and he's done so much for me. He helped me get clean from an opiate addiction. I don't know what to do. I've been going to church and that's been helping me a lot. Other than that, I don't know what to say. Good luck with your situation, and God bless you and your son. I'm really thankful I didn't have a child with Shaun. Always count your blessings. May the Lord be with you. |
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12-08-2008, 01:40 PM
| #22 (permalink) |
| Member  Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Biloxi, Mississippi
Posts: 31
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i only know about alcoholism from my brother. he developed a drinking problem when he was thirteen. he carried his addiction with him until he died at age 29. a combo of alcohol and opiates. all i know is that most people with addictions are using as a replacement for something. my big bro was always looking for something he could never find. whether it was love or acceptance, we'll never know. all we know is that he drank and did drugs to supplement what he couldn't find in his life. i know it must be hard for you to be in love with someone with such a debilitating disease. i'm glad you joined our little group. everyone here knows so much! and the bit of advice that i have for you is to just love him. show him that you love and support him even when he's at his worst. go to aa with him. and explore couples counseling. you never know what will work until you try it. but i'll tell you this, no matter how awful he's acting, he loves you, and he needs your love very badly. i hope you find what you need here!
__________________ I'm safe, up high, nothing can touch me, but why do I feel this party's over? No pain inside, you're my protection, but how do I feel this good sober? |
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