Snick

ChillGal - Thanks for thinking of me. I do know exactly how you feel. My husband has been my best friend for almost 13 years and I enjoy his company. I really try to be considerate of his schedule and try to plan things around it so that we can spend time together. It is not always easy and I do not always feel like doing something when he is available.
I visit this board on a daily basis and have learned a lot from it and all of the people and their personal experiences. Thank you all!
My husband and I have agreed that we will go see a marriage counselor to try to help us through our struggles. I went to a speaker meeting with him Saturday and enjoyed listening to his story.
I started reading "Codependant No More".
I too believe that there is such a thing as an idyllic life, I had it once! I guess we sometimes have to adjust what idyllic is to us.
I have also started making plans with friends and family to fill some of my time, and I love spending time with them.
My husband is going to Alaska (to his dad's) to go fishing and is taking his sponsor with him. He had asked me to go, but I figured he would be pretty busy fishing, etc. with the guys. His sister that lives near us is going to be their during the same time and asked me to come up and spend time with her and the rest of the family while the guys are fishing. I will also get to learn how to make blueberry jam and go to a bizzare that my sister in law goes to each year. A fun time to relax and enjoy myself. I booked my ticket yesterday, I am going up the day after my husband. He won't know I am going until I get there. I will be there with him for 5 days and than he goes home and I stay for another 4 days.
I feel like I am making progress.

eddie z.

Groovycool!!!

I apologize for my prior pessimism.
Love, Eddie

ChillGal

Snick
Way to go Girl!!! It all takes time and effort. Some days are good and some are bad. Speaker meetings aren't as scarey are they? Just go to what you want at your own pace. That's what works for me. Even last week as I walked to my 7th meeting I grumbled all the way there. I think I don't get anything out of them and then realize later that Hey I might of learned just a little something. "Adjust to what Idyllic is" I liked that one. Sometimes for me that could change from day to day. I'm sure your hubby will be pleased when he sees you in Alaska. But it also sounds like you are taking some time to enjoy yourself. I find that so hard and even feel guilty when I do it. I guess we gotta work on getting rid of the guilt and start enjoying ourselves. I think the more we like ourselves the more others like us. Hope so anyway. Good luck and keep making plans.
ChillGal

Snick

I agree some days are good and some are bad, and Idyllic does change over time and cirucumstance. I am glad to hear that you are doing what is working for you. We have to take time for ourselves and do things we want to do. What did you do for yourself today?
I made plans for our family to go to a theme/water park that is about 2 1/2 hours away tomorrow. The girls are bringing friends and I am bringing my best friend (my husband). We are all looking forward to it. It has been so long since we all hung out together (other than last weekend with the jet skiis). I am going to start making it happen as often as possible.
Have a great day.

ChillGal

Hi Snick
Good for you. A them park, it must be warm where you are. We are just starting to get warm here. Rain, rain, rain. Today I went to my alanon meeting at lunch. Topic was loving ourselves first? Good one, eh? Right now my AH is off to his Friday night meeting. It's an early one though and he'll be home by 8:00pm. Then we are planning to have a good steak barbeque and watch a movie. Tomorrow we are supposed to go strawberry picking without the boys then I get to make jam on Sunday am while he goes to his meeting. Then we are inviting his whole family down for a barbeque. He better be helping. We are supposed to get a walk in there somehow. I find that when we walk together we have to talk. This helps us a lot. I hope the weekend goes good for you, your best friend and kids. Keep planning and it'll keep happening. Enjoy.

Snick

My husband is also off to his Friday meeting. I went and had dinner with my sister-in-law and niece and nephews. Strawberry picking and jam sounds great. I'll be doing it with blueberrys in a couple of weeks. The bbq sounds good, just ask him to do what you need help with. I know easier said than done sometimes. We have my husbands family over every other Sunday for dinner and over there on the other weeks.
Taking a walk is a great idea, you get undivided attention. Sounds like you are doing some fun stuff. Have a great weekend everyone.

Bessie

Hi, I'm looking someone who can help me deal with the situation of my recorvering husband. He's been home today for a week and I am grateful that he decided to go to rehab and get some help. However, since Sunday, I have been angry and it seems that I get angry over the smallest thing.

ChillGal

Thanks Snick. Busy weekend ahead. Hope it works out for you. And for me too.
Welcome Bessie. All I can say is read any literature you can get your hands on. I bought the "one day a time" for alanon. Try an Alanon meeting. I know they are scarey and you feel resentful that you should have to go but sometimes you do get something out of them. Speaker meetings are easier and helpful. If that won't work for you just go to the Alanon site here and read some posts. You will find a lot of people have the anger and resentment thing. I can remember getting so angry that I thought I was going NUTS!! I think sometimes we spend so much time worrying about them or controlling the situation that when they get help we feel lost and wonder is it going to work. We have spent so much time controlling everything that we don't know what to do now and we have lost just being ourselves. Their recovery is important but so is ours. I sometimes just leave - go for a walk - mumble and grumble to myself. I live near the woods so sometimes I would just yell. I also found that writing all my anger down helped some. i would get a sore hand sometimes I was so angry. Reading it later on it would sometimes sound stupid and make me realize - sometimes?? I have been burning a lot lately. Also as Snick and I find useful is just plan outings that you have to do together. Keep busy. Do some of the things that you forgot that you really liked to do. For yourself. Post here and read here. Hang in there - it will get better.
ChillGal

Snick

Bessie - Welcome, glad you found this board. It has some very useful information. Read, read, read. I have found it very helpful to read posts in Alanon, Naranon and any post by people that are in recovery or are trying to find a way to recovery. So basically all posts on this board. I have found it easier to relate/understand my husband by being informed of how others feel. I am so glad that your husband went to rehab. Things do get better. I think I went through every emotion that a person can go through. I still have bad days, as you can see by my prior posts. Keep yourself busy doing things you like to do.
Chillgal- Enjoy your day! Look forward to our daily posts! It is comforting to know that we are in this together. Thanks.

ChillGal

Snick
Just checking in. Had a wonderful weekend. Well actually, we had a misunderstanding on Saturday evening where I just wasn't feeling very happy about anything, but we talked it out and things are going fine. It was mostly me letting my anger get in the way. We ended up having 11 people for supper instead of 7 but that worked out very good too. Too busy to make jam but will get to it tonight. Now I'm at work and quite tired but happy. Hope your weekend went good too. Bessie, hope you found things to keep you busy. Posting here and reading here can keep you busy for awhile. I know when I first found this place sometimes I would spend hours reading. It really helped me to find out that I am not alone. Now I check in daily, sometimes twice a day depending on my mood. I enjoy the day to day posting, it keeps me going. Have a good day!

Snick

Sounds like you had a good weekend. Glad you made it through the misunderstanding and was able to enjoy the weekend. We had a great weekend. Enjoyed spending time as a family. Our daughters are 17 & 19 they both brought their boyfriends along to the theme/waterpark. I still get such a thrill watching them laughing and having a good time. I am not fond of rollercoasters and my husband was pretty insistant that I go on them. I didn't want to, so I didn't. I went on all the other rides and we had a great time playing at the waterpark, it was 95 degrees. We didn't get home until 1:30 am, long drive (3 hours) after a long day in the sun. We were all pretty tired yesterday, went to sister-in-laws for our weekly family dinner get together. Tonight we are going to my nieces birthday party. My mom and I had it planned for 6:30. My husband told me that he has a 7:00 meeting so he can't make it. I asked if he could make it if it was at 6:00, he said yes. 6:00 it shall be. A couple of weeks ago I would have gotten very irritated that he couldn't make it.
I talked to my niece this weekend (she is 22) and she has agreed to stay at our house with the girls while we are in Alaska. He still doesn't know that I am going. We will both breath a little easier knowing that she is staying at the house with them.
Chillgal do you have an email address? Would like to email you. Mine is [email protected]
Bessie I hope you are having a good day. Let us know how you are doing.
Got to get ready for work. Have a great day everyone.
Snick

ChillGal

Hi Snick
Have changed my profile. I had my work email address on here but have now put my private one in. [email protected] Will look forward to hearing from you. Hope the day was good. I am getting tired of being so busy. Cheers!!

shumala1

Hello Everyone

I am new to this site.
I was trying to find a site for Recovering Spouses. My husband of 12 years is substance abuser. Any help I may get would be greatly appreciated. I am really needed advice....

Thanks!! :

shumala1

Sorry,
I meant my husband is a recovering substance abuser....

Snick

Shumala1 - Welcome. I am not sure that I am in a position to give you advice. I would be willing to share my experiences. What kind of problems are you experiencing? Give us some information and I am sure you will get some input from people here. Wish I could help you more. Keep reading and posting, there is a lot to be learned here!

eddie z.

shumala1,
You might also want to have a look at the Nar-Anon and/or Al-Anon forums on this site. The Nar-Anon forum is really jumpin'.
Love, Eddie

Wifeydoni

I'm so glad to be readind and learning so much on this site. My husband has been in recovery for close to 7 years, but we've only been together for the past three. In my ignorance, I thought that blank years clean and sober meant no slips and no relapses. After several slips and a few relapses, I became afraid that he would find his way back into that dark pit that lost my first husband. Then I realized that he doesn't ever want to go back into that pit and that he has no idea how he can convince himself to do the drink and drug thing when he KNOWs from being in an inpatient program for six months that it only leads to misery, guilt, and shame. I try to get him more actively involved in his recovery brothers' lives and find meetings or programs or functions in our area to attend. Finally I realized that he is he and I am me. I can't get him to do what he doesn't want to do. I can hold him accountable for his actions if he messes up our finances. There's a such thing as overtime. I can refuse to rescue him in the middle of the night if he gets thrown in jail. If he got to the pint where he felt that he needed to go to meetings every night for 30 days to get back on track, I would not complain because that would mean there might be 30 years of more sobriety for us to enjoy together.

Snick

Wifeydoni,

You are right on track. You can't be responsible for him and if he needs to go to meetings to stay sober it may mean that you are together for another 30 years. I am glad you found this site, it has really helped me in the last couple of months.
My husband and I are trying to find the balance in our lives that include time for all important things and people. It takes effort, but is certainly worth it. Thanks for your input. Hope things are getting better for you.

Snick

chadv

love to chat with you so i can better understand my signifiacant other.. if you can help it would be appreciated.. i have been sober almost 2 years and she really does not understand as i have slipped away from my meetings Ialso have msn ,if not maybe we can hook up here.. thanks

Dee74

Chadv

welcome to SR.

Unfortunately this thread is from 2004...and the member you're responding to has not posted in the last 4 years.

Why not start a thread of your own to get some current responses?
D