joey0530

Hi my name is Mary. I just went to see a therapist for depression and he helped me realize that I may be an alcoholic. I drink half bottle of red wine each night. The big bottle. I can't stop and the only reason I would want to stop is because it's fattening and my Husband is tired of spending money every 2 days. I'm stuck right now and just don't know how to get out of this funk. I love to drink. It does not cause anyone harm. I drink when my kids go to bed. I'm not nasty. Why would I stop if it makes me feel good?

I'm lost.

alphaomega

On my friend, but It does cause harm. Systemically, neurologically, spiritually.

Getting drunk is not a benign act. It affects every single part of your life.

And that despression you are referring to ? Alcohol exacerbates that tenfold.

You say "you can't stop".

That's a problem.

sugarbear1

it's making you depressed, or it's helping your depression, but not for long......

staying stopped is the real issue....can you stay stopped?

grubby

I can relate to the fattening part, while under the influence over the last handful of years i packed on just under 20 pounds. I think what happens is that the alcohol, being a poison, gets priority from the liver for processing purposes........ meanwhile the food is fast-tracked into fat. Also booze is apparently loaded with carbs and sugar if i remember reading correctly. That and the fact it dehydrates the body.

As far as the question "why would i stop?" thats an easy one to answer......... you stop because if you dont, it WILL get worse

After a while my booze mysteriously stopped "working", so i started drinking more to compensate.......... its a vicious cycle. Once the tolerance starts to build there is no going back.

If you say it still makes you feel good you may not be at that tolerant stage yet, but just remember....... its progressive, it will "sneak up" on you!

Ghostlight1

I couldn't stop after starting drinking, either. I didn't have the reasons you stated to stop, so it was oblivion for me. It's progressive. I could controlmy drinking for years, too. But I crossed that line into alcoholism and alcohol controled me.
My life turned into a nightmare.
Sounds like you've got a lot to live for sober. And you have a realazation that you may have a problem.
So why not stop? Wish I would have when I was at your stage because believe me, it only gets worse.

Welcome to the site You'll find lots of support here.

SoberLeigh

Welcome, Mary, to SR. Wine was my poison, also, but you can put it behind you and be happy, even very happy.

GracieLou

I think you forgot someone, how about causing you harm?

Welcome to SR. I am glad you are here.

least

Alcohol does cause harm, to you, if no one else. Why would you want to hurt yourself? I finally stopped drinking over four years ago. Best thing I ever did for myself. Sober living rocks!

christimc

I agree with grubby and my poison was wine too! I started with one bottle a night the one liters then the next week it wa a box I swore to make me last a whole week but would eventually onlu last me a couple of days, it does sneak up on you I promise! You don't think it will because your AV says you for it under control but it does we r all here for you I love this community

hockeywino

Glad you are here welcome.....the fact that you have graduated to the big bottle....I remember that day....ok I will only drink half...its relaxing, and it is till the day something big happens, and while the half was good, why not one more glass, I will just drink less tomorrow, and thats when the life buzzer should have went off for me....as the big bottle led to well its two embarrassing to buy two big bottles, I will just go the the store and get three bottles and at the end of the day I will at least know there is one more.....I remember telling myself, see there is still one left, forget the fact I had already drank two, right up until the day the third bottle got opened, and agin I rationalized that. You have much to live for and all these folks are right, you are hurting yourself and its not an if but a when that you will hurt others. Please understand and I am sure I am not alone in this.....many of us functioned....everyday...right up until the point we didnt, and we didnt see that day coming. Please come back, there are some very good and insightful people in here and they have forgotten more than I will ever know.

StormiNormi

Hi Mary, and welcome.
I can relate to your story. For me, alcohol has ALWAYS made me happy. It was my 'secret garden' I felt better, more relaxed, joyful when ingesting alcohol. What happens over time, is that your brain stops producing serotonin and dopimine ,instead, relies on the chemical effect of the alcohol. What went wrong for me; is when I was NOT drinking, was the problem. I became anxious, irritable and discontent because my brain could no longer produce these harmonies on it's own. Thus, drinking a small amount of wine, or beer; would relieve the tension. It got so I would have three or four drinks a day, spaced over 18 hours or so. No big deal-, I thought. As with any addiction, those maintenance drinks would be required more often, and since it felt SO GOOD, it progressed to two in succession. By the time I realized my days were beginning to be my planned to accommodate my drinking requirements, I consulted a doctor. The diagnosis was depression, but he never asked me of my drinking habits. I was prescribed anti-depressants, and he adjusted the dosage over a period of time, always up. After 8 years of this, and naturally I was drinking more and now having black outs; I decided the anti-depressants don't work for me and sure don't mix well with alcohol, so I discontinued use of the meds; besides:alcohol provided immediate relief. The depression got worse, I drank more and more often to find relief, and it was working!! I was happy. So long as I knew when I could get a drink. But the funny thing is, I had been around AA long enough by then to know that I would NEVER fully relieve my depression unless I gave my brain sober time to learn to produce these harmonies on it's own. But I could not, would not (fear) because I was terrified the depression would get worse before it got better. I know it will get better, given sober time. I know if I continued to self medicate, I would soon be suicidal. I can not imagine living another decade being this depressed. My daughter watched her Mom slip into a black hole over 27 years, and finally she could not go on with life herself (what did I teach her about coping skills?) Taking her own life on Feb 6, 2009.
I have finally made the decision to go into that black pit of despair and trust in the light on the other side. I can't go around it, over it or under it; I have to go through it. It is said, if you are living in hell;keep walking.
I am 51 years old. All I know is of depression, as far back as I can remember. I am trusting those who have gone be for me, it gets better. Keep coming back Mary. I will share my hope with you.

joey0530

Hi everyone. Sorry I think I posted twice. anyway thank you for sharing your stories. I'm truly amazed at this site. I found it today and I am so thankful. All your stories sound similar to mine! I can tell you briefly about myself.
I am 42. I train in Martial Arts. I have a 4 year old daughter and a 6 year old son. My Dad was a bad alcoholic. We don't speak to my Parents anymore, which I think is one of the reasons I started drinking more. My Dad just called up one day and said he wants nothing to do with anyone. Also, I became emotionally attached to my Martial Arts Instructor. We became close friends and he helped me so much but I became so attached I started to become obsessed and depressed whenever he started speaking to other girls. It wasn't that I loved him that way (I'm married to a great man) it was the fact I have a fear of loosing his friendship. I've always been hurt by people who were close to me. Sometimes my kids drive me crazy too. Sometimes life in general I can't deal with so I drink. There are times I wake up in the morning and realize I drank an entire bottle of wine and feel so bad. Other times I tell myself "oh I'll just have 2 glasses tonight" and it turns into 4. Sometimes it goes down like water. On weekends I can't wait until 4:00 so that I can have my first glass of wine.
How can you stop? I knew I couldn't stop but I didn't see it as harming anyone. I'm not nasty when I drink and I don't black out. I just sit and enjoy TV or enjoy sitting on my deck. My Therapist asked me how much I drink and when I told him, he explained about how alcohol and depression are related. HE also had me to a urine test which I have no idea why they do that. My second therapy appointment is next week. I still don't know how therapy can help. How I will have the will power to stop. Cold turkey anyway. Thank you all for your support and stories. I found this by accident. I didn't think there was any site like this out there!

StormiNormi

Mary, Nothing in God's world happens by accident. There are no coincidences.

GracieLou

I understand this. I think we go through life expecting the people that we love never to hurt us when in fact they may be the people that hurt us the most deeply.

I had to look at that hurt and I saw over my lifetime how many choices and roads I have taken because of this hurt. I had to first admit that even though they hurt me, the choices I made were mine. I had to see my part.

I have children and I understand this as well. When I stopped wanting or wishing they would be who I wanted them to be and accept them for who they are, it got a little easier.

Me too. It was my escape until I got to the point that I could not escape the alcohol or at least I thought I couldn't. I did not know how to cope with out it. I did not know how to be sober or live a sober life.

I used to be this way too. Then I got to 2:00 then 12:00 until I just gave up and drank right after my second cup of coffee. It is progressive. I can't tell you the amount of times I looked down on others for having a drink at 6am but I can tell you by the time I was doing it, I didn't care anymore.


It is possible, One day at a time. I had to learn how to live sober. I could not just stop and have all the reasons I drank go away. They were there waiting and I drank again. The reasons I drank and the resentments I carried had to be looked at and removed. I had to forgive. I had to learn to live a sober life.

That is only way I am able to do it and I can only do that, one day a time.