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Surviving early sobriety with a spouse who still drinks

Old 04-16-2014, 05:04 PM
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Surviving early sobriety with a spouse who still drinks

Ugh. Day 2 again today. My husband is at happy hour. This is a very tempting situation for me: I could go buy some vodka and mixer and he wouldn't know when he gets home from drinking at the bar.
It is also tempting to (occasionally) go to the bar with him, though I tend to relish the time alone and control over the tv remote.

How have other people dealt with a spouse who still drinks?
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Old 04-16-2014, 05:09 PM
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I personally am single and it's both a bit of a curse for the occasional loneliness. But on the other hand I don't think I would handle being with someone that drinks. Once in a bleu moon drinker could be ok at some point, but a full blown Alcoholic like me would be a major setback.

Just thinking about the smell of it makes me shivers.
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Old 04-16-2014, 06:17 PM
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Well, I've gotten through by keeping myself busy in the kitchen (making lunch and a smoothie for tomorrow and preparing dinner). And deep breathing. 7:14 and he's still out. I feel some anger about it.
First, why is he spending money at the bar? At least drinking at home was cheaper. Second, when he gets home, he doesn't raise a finger to help clean/cook/tidy up the house. Good thing we don't have kids. And getting buzzed makes me care less - I can even blow off any chores for a few weeks if I catch a buzz regularly.
Deep breath. It's only day 2. My emotions are going to be all over and I don't need to drink over it.
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Old 04-16-2014, 07:34 PM
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Have you thought about trying AA lilac?
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Old 04-16-2014, 07:40 PM
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I told my husband that I couldn't be around him if he wanted to drink. He had no problem stopping along with me. Then again, it wasn't a big deal for him as he's not an alcoholic.

Would your husband be willing to stop drinking?
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Old 04-16-2014, 07:46 PM
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HI lilac
I could have written either of your posts. I was my hubbie's drinking partner for 20 years. The first month was it REALLY hard not to drink with alcohol in the house... slowly it got easier.

I had to ALWAYS have cold soft drink or juice in the fridge. I got out of the house as much as possible ... I walked and walke and walked. My dog thought she had gone to doggy heaven

I also stocked up on heaps of varieties of tea ... (my new addiction). I came into chat whenever I had the urge to drink ... I think THAT was my main weapon against taking that first drink while hubby sat on the other lounge with a glass of wine. And lots of snacks are VITAL both healthy and not.

I took up some sober hobbies ... geocaching ... volunteering .. things to do while he was drinking at the club.

I slowly started doing chores I used to "blow off" just one at a time ... I found housework hard tho because it was a major trigger for me .. so I didn't push it.
Keeping busy is a good strategy ... and for quiet time there is also chat.

We have kids and my hubby is pretty good Dad most of the time ... so ATM I am staying put.

Looke after your self .. find a friend you can chat to .. it really helps ... maybe check out AA or Alanon.
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Old 04-16-2014, 07:52 PM
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I think he might be wiling to quit - he has before when I was on the wagon (5 years ago). It may help to look at how much he spends each month at the bar...It adds up and we have debt to pay off.

Keeping busy seems to help. It has helped me in the past deal with triggers and cravings. Chores, cooking, working out (when my body feels a little better), reading, journaling...all are things I can do and ENJOY instead of drinking.

LSC1 - I have a lot of different teas. About to have a cup of chamomile. Comforting and doesn't cause hangovers! Actually, now that I think of it, drinking a cup of chamomile tea has helped me get through cravings several times in the past.
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Old 04-16-2014, 08:13 PM
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My husband won't quit but has drastically reduced his intake and mostly respects my request that he not bring it in the house. If he were drinking daily and refused to quit or cut way back, one of us would have to go. But we've been on the brink of divorce for years.
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Old 04-16-2014, 08:48 PM
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Keep on keeping busy. That was what helped when I quit and my husband continued to drink. I got angry with him too about the money and the drinking outside of the house but in retrospect it was good that he didn't drink in the house. The few times he did though I was still so angry with him for blowing through wads of money that I was too irate to drink. Maybe your husband isn't drinking at home because he doesn't want to feel guilty that he is still drinking? It would kill his fun. Or he may be drinking out of the house out of respect for you. Either way, keep busy. I tried to be grateful that my husband wasn't around because then I wasn't exposed to the temptation of drinking. It helped some. Come here for support. Get out of the house too. Take care of you right now.
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Old 04-16-2014, 08:49 PM
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I hit Day 100 Sober early next week. It's been tricky with a Wife who likes to Binge with her Codie Bingeing Gal Pals, but I've managed to peacefully have her ramp back that behavior. She's trying to be helpful by keeping her Wine somewhat out of sight, and by moderating. We're working through some issues in a low key way, but I'm basically doing all this solo. Some years back, she offered to quit Drinking if it would help me quit. I didn't take that offer seriously then, nor would I take it seriously now if offered again. It was just grasping at Straws w/o necessary conviction. Her [un]willingness to change has nothing to do with my willingness and need to change. She's a Big Girl and a daily Pot Smoker with lots of 'up sides'.

My obvious suggestion is that solo Activity 'x' that used to be coupled with Drinking 'y' simply takes time to reprogram. FWIW, things got somewhat better for me within weeks. I'm pretty much past wanting to drink just because she does. What I found is that certain triggers get dealt with and then kinda recede. Other triggers pop up, and they need to be addressed, too. However, they're not necessarily overwhelming. They 'spike'. I figger that's a never ending challenge, but it becomes more manageable. Some day, Drinking will be a non-issue, and I'll have only to remain vigilant.

Keep some fall back Escape Strategies handy. You simply tough through it with support it until it gets easier. Not unlike Physical Rehab after, say, Whiplash or Surgery.
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Old 04-17-2014, 05:06 AM
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I really appreciate everyone's feedback. It was tough last night when my husband got home from the bar at 9pm. That's usually my bedtime, but I had decided to try to wait up for him so was just sitting down to write in my journal and have a cup of tea. He was upset that I "decided" to write as soon as he got home.

I also said a couple not kind things, like showing disbelief that he still writes (I had no idea that he still engaged in something besides tv-watching and cycling). The attempt at apology didn't go well. He was too drunk to be logical. I saved it for this morning, if he gets up before I go to work.

I know that when I am sober all sorts of concerns about my marriage, career direction, and finances come up. Staying numb or semi-numb helps me to ignore finding out who I really am and what I really want and deserve.

Ruby2, I don't know if he knows I'm trying to be sober. I did tell him last night that I really wanted to drink and that I decided not to. But when I have my multi-day binges, there's no doubt he knows from the smell (vodka is not odorless in large quantities), even though I hide it. He knows I've been in and out of AA for the past 5-6 years. I even did a stint in rehab (during which he decided to quit to be of support). My guess is that he goes to the bar to "have fun" and socialize. THat's fine with me. It's the frequency and amount of money spent that freaks me out. And also he can be annoying and/or a jerk when he comes home drunk.

Today shouldn't be a problem. I'll work til 5pm, then come home or maybe go workout, depending on how I feel. Tomorrow, being Friday, could be tough. There is rain in the forecast (a trigger for me to hibernate and get drunk at home alone) and my husband usually goes out on Fridays after work. I'll work and make sure to have plans after work. Coming here really helped last night, so I can have an SR date with myself and drink my herbal tea!
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Old 04-17-2014, 05:15 AM
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I can relate to a lot of your last post. Drinking made me numb to reality. Reality bites. But we can't change our reality when we are drunk all the time. That will only change if we are sober and start making decisions that lead to happiness.

I hope lol.
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Old 04-17-2014, 05:19 AM
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I'm with you on the herbal tea plan, and maybe a movie with popcorn.

Bracing myself for the weekend and will need to keep busy!
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Old 04-17-2014, 05:44 AM
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How does anyone work out what to do, I dunno, but I have realised being sober helps, and staying sober is only one persons job, your own. I struggle when my hubbie drinks, but he is doing it lot less, I am dreading when he goes overboard again, or maybe he wont as it was all my fault?? Everything seems clearer when sober, but still messy and full of descisions.. durrrr.. being drink made it all glide by in a haze!!!
Maybe now we'll have to make some descisions and choices - good luck!
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Old 04-17-2014, 06:27 AM
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Originally Posted by lilac0721 View Post

I know that when I am sober all sorts of concerns about my marriage, career direction, and finances come up. Staying numb or semi-numb helps me to ignore finding out who I really am and what I really want and deserve.
This pretty much was me for the last 10 years. It was easier to stay numb than face reality. Or so I thought. So I totally understand what you're going through right now - I'm right there with you.

Except for the husband drinking part. I personally wouldn't have the patience for that. I cannot STAND to be around anyone that's drunk when I'm sober. Never have, never will.

The important thing is to continue to work on YOU. (Can you please remind me of this from time to time as well?)

Hope you have a great day!
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Old 04-17-2014, 07:24 AM
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You all are beautiful - the darkness inside will subside. Stay with me on the trail of soberity. You are more than the sadness you have inside. Our higher power (God for me) created us to be the best we can be. Have faith, and know you all are loved, unconditionally.
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