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Old 02-07-2014, 07:45 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Question Adult Child

Here's the basics: I am what's commonly referred to as an "adult child" of a recovering alcoholic (Dad) and a recovering drug addict (Mom).

For the fact that my stepdad sexually assaulted me, I do not associate with him nor my mother or her family anymore (she doesn't believe me).

I joined this forum in hopes of better understanding what my Dad is going through, because I grew up without him... my Mom did a fine job keeping us from him and actually took advantage of him to get him to give up his parental rights of myself and my brother, but that's a different story.

My Dad. I love him. I don't know him as much as I'd like to, but I'm working on that. It's hard because I don't want to ever be in the situation where I'd have to tell him 'no' and the possible outcome of him being angry with me. I don't have another parent to go to. I'm more fragile than I come off as. So... How can I be supportive of him... but keep the boundaries?

This is probably meant for a different forum, but I did introduce myself, right?
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Old 02-07-2014, 07:49 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Hi kittibear welcome to SR, I don't have any answers for you but there will be spmeone along who will help.

Just one thing, my dad drank all of my childhood and I blamed him and hated him for all the rows feArs and upsets in our family. As I got older and my mum died my dad and I got closer and I realised he is a nice guy with an addiction. He too has passed away now but I'm so glad I got to know the real man.
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Old 02-07-2014, 07:56 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Welcome kittibear

We do have an ACOA forum that you're very welcome to check out:
Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

but this is a great forum too, and I know you'll receive support and help here

how long has your Dad been in recovery?

D
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Old 02-07-2014, 08:01 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Mags1 View Post
Hi kittibear welcome to SR, I don't have any answers for you but there will be spmeone along who will help.

Just one thing, my dad drank all of my childhood and I blamed him and hated him for all the rows feArs and upsets in our family. As I got older and my mum died my dad and I got closer and I realised he is a nice guy with an addiction. He too has passed away now but I'm so glad I got to know the real man.
No worries, I'm past the stage of blame and hate on my Dad.
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Old 02-07-2014, 08:06 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Welcome kittibear

We do have an ACOA forum that you're very welcome to check out:
(wouldn't let me post links yet)

but this is a great forum too, and I know you'll receive support and help here

how long has your Dad been in recovery?

D
Which time? The latest event was just the end of the last year, he ended up in jail before Thanksgiving for violating his probation, BUT-- this time, He was the one to tell his probation officer that he was drinking. That takes balls. I get it. He's be an alcoholic for 30 some years now. He just got out of jail a couple weeks back and is in another halfway house a few hours away from where I live. He doesn't exactly have a lot of solid family support because it's just gotten old for them, and they're all recovering alcoholics, too... complicated, I guess.
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Old 02-07-2014, 09:43 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Update: My Dad has been an alcoholic for over 30 years and at the most, has been clean for two and a half.
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Old 02-07-2014, 09:52 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Without knowing you or your Dad, I'd say that what he did to you and the drinking aren't completely the same thing. Tell him no about what? Why are you afraid of him being angry with you?

This forum is full of support and there is a section where you can hopefully find the answers you're looking for.
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Old 02-07-2014, 10:17 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Without knowing you or your Dad, I'd say that what he did to you and the drinking aren't completely the same thing. Tell him no about what? Why are you afraid of him being angry with you?

This forum is full of support and there is a section where you can hopefully find the answers you're looking for.
My Dad didn't do anything to me... that was my stepdad.
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Old 02-07-2014, 10:32 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Ohhhh! That makes a world of difference. I understand now.
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Old 02-07-2014, 10:34 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Yep. Lol
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Old 02-07-2014, 10:36 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Thanks Kitti

it helps to know just where your Dad is in the process - helps me anyway cos then I can relate it to my own experience.

It's hard to offer advice on the bare bones of a situation.

For instance, I'm not sure what you mean by
Quote:
I don't want to ever be in the situation where I'd have to tell him 'no' and the possible outcome of him being angry with me
.

I think most of us can handle a no - unless you've experienced specific anger from him before in this regard.

Don't compromise on your boundaries. They;re important. If he needs to be told no, tell him.

Chances are you're as important to him as he is to you...If he gets angry, he'll get over it too

D
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Old 02-07-2014, 10:47 PM   #12 (permalink)
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It's hard because I don't want to ever be in the situation where I'd have to tell him 'no' and the possible outcome of him being angry with me. I don't have another parent to go to. I'm more fragile than I come off as. So... How can I be supportive of him... but keep the boundaries?

Ooh man, this one hits close to home. I had similar kinds of abuse growing up. I became the little adult. You don't have to be the parent. Let your dad be the parent. Let him be supportive of YOU. My dad got better and better with time. While we invariably hurt those we love, mostly we/they don't want to and don't mean it. And then we grow.

There is a bright future with your dad, one you missed growing up, & with the power of goodness, it will allow you to be the nurtured daughter you are and were meant & deserve to be.
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Old 02-08-2014, 06:03 AM   #13 (permalink)
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I probably should've included that he has a short temper and has a history of all forms of abuse. He's only ever physically hurt me once and ended up getting a frying pan to the head for it from my mom. :S

But it's easy to pick up on abuse cues when you know what it's like, eh?
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Old 02-08-2014, 06:45 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kittibear33 View Post
Here's the basics: I am what's commonly referred to as an "adult child" of a recovering alcoholic (Dad) and a recovering drug addict (Mom).

For the fact that my stepdad sexually assaulted me, I do not associate with him nor my mother or her family anymore (she doesn't believe me).

I joined this forum in hopes of better understanding what my Dad is going through, because I grew up without him... my Mom did a fine job keeping us from him and actually took advantage of him to get him to give up his parental rights of myself and my brother, but that's a different story.

My Dad. I love him. I don't know him as much as I'd like to, but I'm working on that. It's hard because I don't want to ever be in the situation where I'd have to tell him 'no' and the possible outcome of him being angry with me. I don't have another parent to go to. I'm more fragile than I come off as. So... How can I be supportive of him... but keep the boundaries?

This is probably meant for a different forum, but I did introduce myself, right?
Your father is lucky to have you.... my children are 14,000 miles away with their mum and I am universally hated in my hometown but would give up everything to have one or all of them with me

Just being there with your Dad will HELP both of you so much

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Old 02-08-2014, 01:48 PM   #15 (permalink)
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A history of abuse changes the situation completely.
I cut out all toxic people from my life.

I had to accept my parents were never going to be who I wanted them to be.
I made my family with the friends and special people I've met in my life.

I know thats not the answer you wanted, but it's the only one I've got kittibear.

best wishes and take care,
D
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Old 02-09-2014, 12:11 PM   #16 (permalink)
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To be fair, I wasn't hoping for any answer to my question. I'm literally here solely for the purpose of learning.
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