My Friend Thinks She's In Recovery
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: MI
Posts: 452
My Friend Thinks She's In Recovery
Hi, everyone,
I have a friend who thinks she’s in recovery – although I suspect that she is beginning to recognize deep down that she is not. When I met her, she had recently stopped regular use of cocaine, applying a variety of recovery staples to that problem (journaling, step work, meditation, avoiding “people, places, things,” etc). She is not a fan of meetings, but does recovery work on her own, and is a spiritual person who enjoys talking about recovery concepts. I am not an addict, but went through a horrific experience with my heroin-addicted son almost two years ago, and have had a strong interest in addiction, treatment, and recovery since that time.
Here’s the issue with my friend – she drinks. A lot. She lost her driver’s license before I met her due to repeated DUI’s and is not eligible to get it back until 2015. She is dating a sommelier and he keeps her home stocked with wine. I have never done anything with her that did not involve alcohol. Last summer, I was with her several times when something in our conversation made her feel anxious, and she threw back a Xanax with her swallow of wine, apparently unaware that this was not normal behavior. I was appalled, expressed concern, and she hasn’t done this in front of me since. She will throw out little comments in a nonchalant tone, such as, “… after X event, my BF and I came home and had a couple bottles of wine and ….” Like everyone does this. And inside I’m thinking, “A couple BOTTLES of wine? The two of you? In one evening at home? Wow.”
My friend seems to think that as long as she is not doing cocaine, she is in recovery. She seems to be completely oblivious to the fact that her daily alcohol consumption isn’t normal. She hides behind the “elegance” of wine – the fancy glasses, the “bouquet” and the wine-snob lexicon. Drinking aside, she is a sweet, generous, loving person, and I enjoy the time I spend with her. I have gently suggested to her that given her addiction history, maybe she shouldn’t be drinking, but she dismisses this and I don’t pursue it. I learned through my experience with my son, and from reading here and elsewhere, that until she’s ready for recovery, it’s not going to happen, and my making an issue of it will most likely only drive a wedge between us.
But … the last time I was at her house, she told me that she was eligible to get her license back in 2015, and she asked me write a recommendation letter for her. She also suggested that I might testify on her behalf … but said that if I did that, I would have to say that she doesn’t drink at all, and that she has been going to AA meetings. I told her that I can’t lie for her, so testifying is off the table. She would still like me to write a recommendation letter of some kind, but the more I think about this, the more uncomfortable I become. She has a problem with alcohol – this is clear to me even if she doesn’t see it. She is a DUI waiting to happen. In the end, I know that I won’t write a letter for her if I can’t do so with honesty and integrity, so this may be the beginning of the end of our friendship. I’m wondering if I should take her out for coffee and have a serious conversation with her, basically putting everything I’ve just said in this post on the table. Is this likely to be at all productive? I feel that she is in denial about her alcohol use, and that she is unlikely to be receptive to such a conversation, but the alternative may be the demise of our friendship. I find myself wanting to put distance between us now – maybe allow the friendship to lapse because she has asked me to do something for her that I just can’t do. And this makes me sad.
Sorry for the long post. I would greatly appreciate any thoughts and advice.
I have a friend who thinks she’s in recovery – although I suspect that she is beginning to recognize deep down that she is not. When I met her, she had recently stopped regular use of cocaine, applying a variety of recovery staples to that problem (journaling, step work, meditation, avoiding “people, places, things,” etc). She is not a fan of meetings, but does recovery work on her own, and is a spiritual person who enjoys talking about recovery concepts. I am not an addict, but went through a horrific experience with my heroin-addicted son almost two years ago, and have had a strong interest in addiction, treatment, and recovery since that time.
Here’s the issue with my friend – she drinks. A lot. She lost her driver’s license before I met her due to repeated DUI’s and is not eligible to get it back until 2015. She is dating a sommelier and he keeps her home stocked with wine. I have never done anything with her that did not involve alcohol. Last summer, I was with her several times when something in our conversation made her feel anxious, and she threw back a Xanax with her swallow of wine, apparently unaware that this was not normal behavior. I was appalled, expressed concern, and she hasn’t done this in front of me since. She will throw out little comments in a nonchalant tone, such as, “… after X event, my BF and I came home and had a couple bottles of wine and ….” Like everyone does this. And inside I’m thinking, “A couple BOTTLES of wine? The two of you? In one evening at home? Wow.”
My friend seems to think that as long as she is not doing cocaine, she is in recovery. She seems to be completely oblivious to the fact that her daily alcohol consumption isn’t normal. She hides behind the “elegance” of wine – the fancy glasses, the “bouquet” and the wine-snob lexicon. Drinking aside, she is a sweet, generous, loving person, and I enjoy the time I spend with her. I have gently suggested to her that given her addiction history, maybe she shouldn’t be drinking, but she dismisses this and I don’t pursue it. I learned through my experience with my son, and from reading here and elsewhere, that until she’s ready for recovery, it’s not going to happen, and my making an issue of it will most likely only drive a wedge between us.
But … the last time I was at her house, she told me that she was eligible to get her license back in 2015, and she asked me write a recommendation letter for her. She also suggested that I might testify on her behalf … but said that if I did that, I would have to say that she doesn’t drink at all, and that she has been going to AA meetings. I told her that I can’t lie for her, so testifying is off the table. She would still like me to write a recommendation letter of some kind, but the more I think about this, the more uncomfortable I become. She has a problem with alcohol – this is clear to me even if she doesn’t see it. She is a DUI waiting to happen. In the end, I know that I won’t write a letter for her if I can’t do so with honesty and integrity, so this may be the beginning of the end of our friendship. I’m wondering if I should take her out for coffee and have a serious conversation with her, basically putting everything I’ve just said in this post on the table. Is this likely to be at all productive? I feel that she is in denial about her alcohol use, and that she is unlikely to be receptive to such a conversation, but the alternative may be the demise of our friendship. I find myself wanting to put distance between us now – maybe allow the friendship to lapse because she has asked me to do something for her that I just can’t do. And this makes me sad.
Sorry for the long post. I would greatly appreciate any thoughts and advice.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,964
Are you in recovery for alcohol or drugs? Take a friend with you and go talk with them.
If you aren't one in recovery from alcoholism, maybe find someone who is and to talk with your friend over coffee....
maybe?
If you aren't one in recovery from alcoholism, maybe find someone who is and to talk with your friend over coffee....
maybe?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
I think you're doing the right thing to refuse to write a letter of recommendation. What if she kills someone while driving under the influence? I think as a friend you should try to find some way to communicate your concerns, but I suspect, as you do, it might not go well. It sounds like she is in denial. On the other hand, she may also know she has a problem but hasn't faced up to it yet. I like your thoughts about a discussion over coffee, sometimes as friends we have to just be frank with those we care about in order to get through to them. You might risk the short term friendship but so what if it gets her to start thinking about it?
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,359
My brother just asked me to do that for him. He needs 5 people to say he has been sober for 1 year. I straight refused. All those times we bailed him out of jail so he didn't lose his job we were actually hurting him. I didn't understand that at the time but now after going through it myself I get it. Never come between an alcoholic and their consequences. If she needs to be clean for a year to get her license back then that it what she needs to do. She doesn't need people to lie for her she needs to do the time. She may not understand this but your instincts are right on. Anything to help them but nothing that makes it easier to live in that delusion. When you are the addict it doesn't come across as help but it really is.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: MI
Posts: 452
Thanks, everyone, for your thoughts and advice. I agree that I can't give the recommendation, at least not at this point, and that I should take the risk of having a conversation with her. Whether I do or not, the friendship is in jeopardy, I think, so I might as well explain my concerns. Silentrun, I learned the rules on enabling vs. appropriate support when I was dealing with my AS, but it has been awhile since I've been put in this position. It's easy to see the difference between the two in the abstract, but when you are dealing with a person you care about, it can be tough to do the right thing. You want to give them what they want, do the thing that makes their lives easier right now, because you care about them and want them to be happy. But that approach isn't necessarily the right approach when you are dealing with a person in active addiction. Thanks for reminding me of this.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,772
A conversation with her might plant the seed for her to think about her drinking. But she will most likely react defensively. I think you are right not to write the letter for her as it would be writing a lie.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,359
A year of sobriety would be an absolute gift to her right now. She probably has no idea just how much her drinking is affecting her. The courts seem to be able to offer the kind of consequences that sometimes get people to take a good look at what they are doing. I still sometimes think I cross the line into enable. It is so counter-intuitive.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Originally Posted by SeekingGrowth 
I agree that I can't give the recommendation, at least not at this point, and that I should take the risk of having a conversation with her.
The recommendation is a classic example of what in the rooms is referred to as "cosigning her BS." If the relationship is contingent upon your writing a recommendation that is against your conscience, you haven't lost much of a friendship.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 3,597
I would tell her very kindly but very directly that her behaviour with alcohol points to a problem. Be specific, such as the volume she talks about drinking is far above the recommended daily minimum. Ask her how she feels about her drinking.
I would find it hard to be around someone with a visible drinking problem.
One one person ever said to me that they thought I had a drinking problem and I was 19 at the time. I'm 44 now and I still haven't forgotten it, despite the fact that I laughed it off at the time and sincerely believed that person was overreacting. It's a memory I have come back to time and time again because it's one of the few external prompts I have that remind me how bad it was. I drank in isolation and hid it from others, so no one knew, or if they knew, no one cared enough to say anything.
I would find it hard to be around someone with a visible drinking problem.
One one person ever said to me that they thought I had a drinking problem and I was 19 at the time. I'm 44 now and I still haven't forgotten it, despite the fact that I laughed it off at the time and sincerely believed that person was overreacting. It's a memory I have come back to time and time again because it's one of the few external prompts I have that remind me how bad it was. I drank in isolation and hid it from others, so no one knew, or if they knew, no one cared enough to say anything.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Deep in the heart of Texas
Posts: 1,736
I've been thinking about all the friends in my life who never said a word to me about my drinking (& one is even a group therapist at an outpatient rehab!). The only one who ever has is my husband and he tiptoed. Maybe it's because I'm kind of the new breed of alcoholic - the "high functioning" kind. Maybe it's because I never had a textbook bottom. Maybe they're all enablers. Maybe my alcoholism touched a nerve deep w/in themselves. Who knows. The tiptoeing at least got me to thinking though and partly what got me here to SR. Even though it was meek & mild, I'm grateful for it. Now.
As addicts we know how to surround ourselves with enablers. That's the last thing your friend needs right now. If you want to be her friend you'll take the advice already given & the one you're considering. The message you'll send her by refusing to write the recommendation will p!ss her off and could very well cost you her friendship. Or it could help save her life. It's a no-brainier don't you think?
As addicts we know how to surround ourselves with enablers. That's the last thing your friend needs right now. If you want to be her friend you'll take the advice already given & the one you're considering. The message you'll send her by refusing to write the recommendation will p!ss her off and could very well cost you her friendship. Or it could help save her life. It's a no-brainier don't you think?
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
