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Old 02-07-2014, 04:39 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Feeling Rejected

Dealing with the sting of rejection tonight. My new sort of boyfriend didn't like something I did the last time he saw me and instead of telling me he has been selectively ignoring my text messages for the past couple of days. I felt like something was wrong but I wasn't sure. Tonight, after asking him directly he finally told me that he doesn't know if he wants to see me again because of whatever it was that I did. I feel hurt and angry. I don't know why he didn't say something in the moment but instead pretended that everything was okay. He didn't let me know what was going on with him or give us an opportunity to discuss it and work things out. I don't really know what I did, there are a bunch of things it could be or it could be all of them. I feel yucky. Writing about it here to try and feel better instead of drinking.
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Old 02-07-2014, 04:54 PM   #2 (permalink)
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I'm glad you're venting here rather than drinking over it. Look at it this way: he isn't being very nice to you. Is that the kind of bf you want to be involved with? Might be better to let this one go and wait for a nicer person to come along.
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Old 02-07-2014, 05:25 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Rejection can be such a tough feeling to deal with. Be kind to yourself. We've all been through feeling rejected before. It's really not any fun.

I agree with Least, doesn't sound like he's really the sort of guy you want in your life.
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Old 02-07-2014, 06:22 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Quote:
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Look at it this way: he isn't being very nice to you. Is that the kind of bf you want to be involved with?
I'm with Least on this one. Sounds like this guy isn't a good match for you. You don't know what you did and he won't tell you either? That has unhealthy written all over it. If its bad like this now could you imagine how bad it will be in the future?

Rejection sucks either way you look at it but this may be a blessing in disguise.
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Old 02-07-2014, 06:22 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Thanks for responding! I am just going to try and be nice to myself and let the chips fall where they may. I think you guys are right about him not being nice enough but sometimes I need to hear it.
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Old 02-07-2014, 08:37 PM   #6 (permalink)
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One thing I'm finally figuring out in my forties is that the way people treat me isn't, in fact, always about me. In fact it is more often than not about THEM. That feels particularly true in your situation since you're having a hard time pinpointing what it is you even did "wrong" and why he's so at odds with you. When I read that, it makes me think it's about HIM. Not you. In which case, you aren't being rejected because, again, it's not about you.

It's one thing to say that and quite another to believe it. My default is always to feel rejected, so it's something I'm reeeeeeally working on with my therapist, etc.

Just a thought. Whatever the case, I'm sorry that you're feeling lousy about the whole thing. (((hugs)))
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Old 02-08-2014, 12:22 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Thanks for responding! I am just going to try and be nice to myself and let the chips fall where they may. I think you guys are right about him not being nice enough but sometimes I need to hear it.
I realize we're only hearing one side of the story but I'm inclined to agree. He doesn't sound very mature or honest. Games really suck. Don't trade one bad thing (drinking) for another bad thing (an a$$hole boyfriend).

Not only are there more fish in the sea, it's often better to have no fish than a rotten one!
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Old 02-08-2014, 01:02 AM   #8 (permalink)
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How other people behave is out of my control . I try to accept that .

Often by ascribing others actions or perceived re-actions to my actions , in the cause and effect way our brains like to work is me jumping to conclusions .

Stay calm , stay confident , you're doing great and are doing well . I'm sure that things will turn out for the best either way with this guy . I used to run off on flights of fantasy when i met people and they used to disappoint , i use to disappoint myself by not being perfect as well .
These days i keep my focus to today and maybe as far as this week or tops the end of the month , although it was fun to build "castles in the sky" the hurt when they fell was crushing , these days i try not to build them ..

Thats how it was for me , bestwishes, m
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Old 02-08-2014, 09:30 AM   #9 (permalink)
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I've read a lot where people recommend not getting into relationships for the 1st year of sobriety. It's a time when we should be focusing on ourselves and not on other people. Plus, stuff can happen and we might not have our coping skills built up enough yet to be able to handle it without thinking of drinking.

Not that I'm any example there. But what I've learned by doing it not that way makes me think the recommended way may be a good way to go. Just something to think about for where you go from here.

Maybe it's a blessing if things don't work out not only because he's not the best guy, but maybe it's also good for you to have some time to focus on you.
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Old 02-08-2014, 10:11 AM   #10 (permalink)
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couple thoughts

brand new, sorta kinda relationships is when we are finding out about the other. Sometimes it's just not a good fit.

Sometimes we find out it's not a good fit because the person does something that we are not comfortable...it may not be anything bad or wrong, it is just something we aren't comfortable with.

I couldn't date a body builder, or someone who belonged to a faith incompatible with mine or had two young kids. There is nothing wrong with those things. They are just something I don't want in my life.

It's not a judgement on them or their quality as a human being or a partner, it's just not a good match.

It's hard when things don't work out like we wish they would. But it often is NOT personal. Just a bad fit.
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