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Old 12-13-2013, 05:37 PM   #1 (permalink)
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My abuser is trying to contact me! I need strength!

My abuser is trying to contact me. I have blocked him from my email and any cell numbers he's called me from I've blocked and it goes straight to VM. Honestly, I'm NOT afraid of him...I'm more afraid of him pulling at my heart strings. I saw the number in my Blocked list on my cell and for a moment I wanted to UNBLOCK the number so I could talk to him and hear what he wanted to say....WTF (why the face)?!!!!! AS IF! Like WHAT am I expecting him to say?! I love you...I'm so sorry for all the abuse...I'm going to change and spend the rest of my life with you. HA! First, he's 23...I'm almost 53. Second, he's abused me so much both physically and mentally that I can't think straight! Lastly, HE IS NEVER GOING TO CHANGE!!!!! AND I WILL NOT ALLOW HIM TO EVER ABUSE ME AGAIN!

AND...HE IS A TRIGGER...and will cause me to spiral downward and back into the drinking and drugs yet again!

I KNOW I'm doing the right thing in blocking him and getting rid of him. I MUST STAY STRONG!

I've given in EVERY time and the abuse just gets worse! And then the drinking starts again. And each and every time it brings me deeper into a place I don't want to be!!!

I need to stay strong! I MUST!!!
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Old 12-13-2013, 05:40 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Hi Leenamarie

You posted in our Daily Support Forum which is only for the continuation of existing threads.

I have moved your thread to Newcomers Forum where you will find more response.

Have you considered changing your number?
Is this a matter you can involve the police with?

D
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Old 12-13-2013, 05:41 PM   #3 (permalink)
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to SR! I agree that you should not engage this person in any way. He sounds like he's dangerous if he's abused you. Please stay strong. There's a lot of support here. Lean on us for a while.
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Old 12-13-2013, 05:58 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Write down a list of all the things he did to hurt you. Post it somewhere and look it over whenever you start thinking about him or calling him.
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Old 12-13-2013, 06:01 PM   #5 (permalink)
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to SR! I agree that you should not engage this person in any way. He sounds like he's dangerous if he's abused you. Please stay strong. There's a lot of support here. Lean on us for a while.
__________________________________________________ ______

Thank you so much! I'm trying to stay strong. I know I can do this. It's only been 2 days since I gave him his walking papers though I've tried MANY times before...and I always fit that cliche and take him back! I NEVER thought I'd be "that kind of woman" but add the alcohol and drugs to it and I was NOT the same woman!!! I DO NOT WANT TO BE THAT WOMAN EVERY AGAIN!!! HE WILL NOT ABUSE ME AND BRING ME DOWN TO HIS LOW LIFE LEVEL!!!
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Old 12-13-2013, 06:06 PM   #6 (permalink)
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I am going to speak to you like you are my sister. If this bothers you, please ignore.

GET THE **** away from him. Not only with the phone and the email etc. Inside your mind get away from him. You will NEVER find someone that works for you with his BS bouncing around in your mind. I am sincere in saying I am not trying to be mean. I had to give up someone like this, that was very detrimental to my happiness, but I kept longing for them, day after day even knowing it as bad for me.... (it does sound a lot like the Alcoholic voice, doesn't it)

If you really were my sister I would be in jail for the next couple of nights to try and keep him away from him. He would be in a hospital right now for ever touching you lol. I am a brother tho, and I would do anything to protect my sister.
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Old 12-13-2013, 06:06 PM   #7 (permalink)
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I agree that changing your number would be a good idea, and talking to the Police, if that would be appropriate.

Try to focus on yourself and moving forward with your life.
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Old 12-13-2013, 06:14 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I'm sorry to say this but this sounds a bit like co-dependancy. Look it up and read, you might find info on how to help.

And if you are dealing with a border line personality disordered person, you have become entrenched emotionally. To detach will be hard. I was involved with one. It took me 2 years to heal.
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Old 12-13-2013, 06:15 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
Hi Leenamarie

You posted in our Daily Support Forum which is only for the continuation of existing threads.

I have moved your thread to Newcomers Forum where you will find more response.

Have you considered changing your number?
Is this a matter you can involve the police with?

D
______________________________________

Oh thank you Dee...I AM new here and not always sure where to post. Thanks so much for pointing me in the right direction!

Well...I'm embarrassed to say I've changed my number so many times over the last couple of months friends and family are getting fed up with me. THAT'S how "addicted" I was to this person along w/ the drugs and alcohol.

So for now, I think I can just keep the number blocked but I will NOT hesitate to change it if need be.

As far as the police go...without having to get too much into this young man's life...he's from the streets of Puerto Rico...which was basically lawless and taking the law into your own hands. He wouldn't give a flying you know what about a restraining order. I don't know if it would make him angrier...and a piece of paper isn't a shield. I know that might sound like a cop out but I do believe I'm in a safe place right now staying out of my home and with a friend and far enough away from him.

I've never had the courage to do this before...to block & delete him out of my life permanently. I think he's just panicking because he's lost control of me.

IF he finds a way to get up here to me unannounced...then yes...I will have to file a Restraining Order...and change my number. But for the moment...I'm confident I can handle this.

Thank you for your support.
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Old 12-13-2013, 06:19 PM   #10 (permalink)
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I'm sorry to say this but this sounds a bit like co-dependancy. Look it up and read, you might find info on how to help.

And if you are dealing with a border line personality disordered person, you have become entrenched emotionally. To detach will be hard. I was involved with one. It took me 2 years to heal.
________________________________________________

I will definitely look more into that because yes, you are probably right! Codependent, emotionally entrenched...I cared about this young man at one point and wanted to help him find his way here...but I don't anymore because I care MORE ABOUT ME! I MUST FIND MY WAY BACK!!!! I LOST EVERYTHING!!!

I WILL NOT LOSE ANYMORE TO THIS PERSON!!! I have my life and my health and I am moving forward! HE IS NOT MY PROBLEM ANYMORE!!! (I'm screaming at myself not you! Ugh!) It's so draining!!!
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Old 12-13-2013, 06:19 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Old 12-13-2013, 06:28 PM   #12 (permalink)
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I was there, and I have co-dependancy issues also so I totally get you. You'll be ok with SR and the stuff I sent you.

Take care friend. And mostly, do not make contact at all cost It will be hard because he will use all sorts of tricks to suck you back in. those unhealthy relationships are like a drug.
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Old 12-13-2013, 06:30 PM   #13 (permalink)
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I am going to speak to you like you are my sister. If this bothers you, please ignore.

GET THE **** away from him. Not only with the phone and the email etc. Inside your mind get away from him. You will NEVER find someone that works for you with his BS bouncing around in your mind. I am sincere in saying I am not trying to be mean. I had to give up someone like this, that was very detrimental to my happiness, but I kept longing for them, day after day even knowing it as bad for me.... (it does sound a lot like the Alcoholic voice, doesn't it)

If you really were my sister I would be in jail for the next couple of nights to try and keep him away from him. He would be in a hospital right now for ever touching you lol. I am a brother tho, and I would do anything to protect my sister.
___________________________________________

Mikie I don't mind AT ALL your honesty.

Yes, there are a number of "addictions" here that revolve around this young man and our relationship the last year...alcohol, drugs, and intimacy...very powerful addictions. But I know this and recognize it now. And I'm on the mend and need to stay strong.

I promise I will.

I'm a strong Italian woman! Nobody messes with me! I'll be ok. Promise!

Thank you for your honesty and support.
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Old 12-13-2013, 06:31 PM   #14 (permalink)
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I was there, and I have co-dependancy issues also so I totally get you. You'll be ok with SR and the stuff I sent you.

Take care friend. And mostly, do not make contact at all cost It will be hard because he will use all sorts of tricks to suck you back in. those unhealthy relationships are like a drug.
Yes! Yes! Especially the part about "do not make contact at all cost...and he will use all sorts of tricks...unhealthy relationship just like drugs and alcohol"!

I know this...It just helps so much to hear it from others!
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Old 12-13-2013, 06:42 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Don't unblock the him, he will only bring drama and chaos into your life.
Drama and chaos can be addictive. That drama and chaos has a lot of power and can leave you feeling lost & confused, angry, desperate, lock in, invested etc. You are right he is a trigger and avoiding triggers is very wise.
Drinking and drugging can bring chaos and drama into your life as well.

This is your time....step back, breathe..take some time and stay sober, you will cope better when the emotions come up. You can do this.
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Old 12-13-2013, 06:54 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Don't unblock the him, he will only bring drama and chaos into your life.
Drama and chaos can be addictive. That drama and chaos has a lot of power and can leave you feeling lost & confused, angry, desperate, lock in, invested etc. You are right he is a trigger and avoiding triggers is very wise.
Drinking and drugging can bring chaos and drama into your life as well.

This is your time....step back, breathe..take some time and stay sober, you will cope better when the emotions come up. You can do this.
Thank you so much. I can so relate to everything you said.

Yes, I'm all wound up emotionally right now but w/ a dear friend now so I'm not alone. Now I can breathe a little...and YES, stay sober. I CAN! I WILL! I MUST!
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Old 12-13-2013, 08:46 PM   #17 (permalink)
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______________________________________

Oh thank you Dee...I AM new here and not always sure where to post. Thanks so much for pointing me in the right direction!

Well...I'm embarrassed to say I've changed my number so many times over the last couple of months friends and family are getting fed up with me. THAT'S how "addicted" I was to this person along w/ the drugs and alcohol.

So for now, I think I can just keep the number blocked but I will NOT hesitate to change it if need be.

As far as the police go...without having to get too much into this young man's life...he's from the streets of Puerto Rico...which was basically lawless and taking the law into your own hands. He wouldn't give a flying you know what about a restraining order. I don't know if it would make him angrier...and a piece of paper isn't a shield. I know that might sound like a cop out but I do believe I'm in a safe place right now staying out of my home and with a friend and far enough away from him.

I've never had the courage to do this before...to block & delete him out of my life permanently. I think he's just panicking because he's lost control of me.

IF he finds a way to get up here to me unannounced...then yes...I will have to file a Restraining Order...and change my number. But for the moment...I'm confident I can handle this.

Thank you for your support.
I don't know...What I'm reading here is that the two of you are continuing to romance each other in ways that feel familiar. Your running monologue about "my abuser" is beginning to feel like reading a twisted romance novel.

Your continuing to refer to this man as "my abuser" grants him a rarefied position in your thoughts and, well, in your life. And in this thread. To the extent that you continue to engage him from a distance -- phone number blocked or otherwise -- you're endorsing and collaborating with him in his abuse.

It's time that you started doing things to take care of yourself that don't include monitoring and reporting on your abuser's whereabouts and behaviors. Like getting help with your alcoholism.
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Old 12-13-2013, 09:53 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Hi Leenamarie,

EndGame may have put it a tad bluntly (:-)) but nevertheless has a point. I know from long experience what it's like to free yourself from such a person - and no, it surely does not happen overnight.

I've just read through your first thread on the matter, so I could get a sense of what the story is for you. Perhaps - just a thought (and wish I'D thought of something like it years ago when I was boring everyone witless with tales of present and then past abusers!): just perhaps, you could change just one word. Change 'my' to 'the' or 'that' [abuser]. Sort of an extra distancing by language, just for the immediate future.

Meantime, of course, I do agree with those who've suggested you take whatever necessary steps re police - even taking into account your concerns that he will just ignore such restraints. He may be able to ignore them once, even twice...but if you continue to call the cops, go to court and so forth, he'll hopefully end up in jail. [Yes, I'm a tough bird too. Well, now I am. Not so tough back when I should have been in order to care for myself].

As Fresh would say: 'onward!!!'
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Old 12-14-2013, 04:39 AM   #19 (permalink)
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I don't know...What I'm reading here is that the two of you are continuing to romance each other in ways that feel familiar. Your running monologue about "my abuser" is beginning to feel like reading a twisted romance novel.

Your continuing to refer to this man as "my abuser" grants him a rarefied position in your thoughts and, well, in your life. And in this thread. To the extent that you continue to engage him from a distance -- phone number blocked or otherwise -- you're endorsing and collaborating with him in his abuse.

It's time that you started doing things to take care of yourself that don't include monitoring and reporting on your abuser's whereabouts and behaviors. Like getting help with your alcoholism.
Strong powerful and to the point but so true! Thank you so much for your honesty!
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Old 12-14-2013, 04:53 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Hi Leenamarie,

EndGame may have put it a tad bluntly (:-)) but nevertheless has a point. I know from long experience what it's like to free yourself from such a person - and no, it surely does not happen overnight.

I've just read through your first thread on the matter, so I could get a sense of what the story is for you. Perhaps - just a thought (and wish I'D thought of something like it years ago when I was boring everyone witless with tales of present and then past abusers!): just perhaps, you could change just one word. Change 'my' to 'the' or 'that' [abuser]. Sort of an extra distancing by language, just for the immediate future.

Meantime, of course, I do agree with those who've suggested you take whatever necessary steps re police - even taking into account your concerns that he will just ignore such restraints. He may be able to ignore them once, even twice...but if you continue to call the cops, go to court and so forth, he'll hopefully end up in jail. [Yes, I'm a tough bird too. Well, now I am. Not so tough back when I should have been in order to care for myself].

As Fresh would say: 'onward!!!'
Lots of support and good ideas. He was such a big part of the addictive behavior. I'm struggling with letting go of it all and even though it's all bad unhealthy behaviors it's all I've
known for a year and it's become too familiar and too routine.

I just need to stay focused on my recovery and nothing more!

Thank you!
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